Cable tv shows with the Dragging Tattoo

I guess everyone is mad at Homeland for its nonsensical direction and as much as I agree with them I just can't fully commit to the idea that suspension of logic for the sake of filling a plot hole means nothing.

Homeland took some chances this year and to not give the audience what they want without it being self serving of their own indulgences to make the show something it isn't is refreshing. That being said they really took their time with some stuff and rushed others. The drama with the daughter hit and run was more upsetting and inappropriately balanced you'd think it was the sodomy rape scene in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The episode where Ginger Al Qaeda murders the Vice President was more rushed than whatever cohesion element and scenes that were missing from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to make it the movie people rank it an 8 on imdb.

I don't even like anyone on The Walking Dead as much as I like my secondary pick on who i want to win an episode of Chopped. There was less transition between these two paragraphs than The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.... That should be the last of those references. Well not so quick. I hate when an actor or actress goes through a physical transformation and is automatically considered giving a great acting performance. Rooney Mara got nipple rings and a frumpy hair cut and suddenly now she is Deniro in Raging Bull? I won't secede this point. She doesn't emote through out the entire movie. She basically did what Christian Bale did in The Machinist and hope the absence of their reserved self torture shows through the fact they don't look like their Wikipedia photo. I almost feel like Charlize Theron and Robert Deniro unknowingly opened a pandora a box for marginal work to be unendingly praised.

So does anyone find the rotating door of characters in the Walking Dead to start to feel more like an assembly line of zombie testing dummies and less like a cast of characters. Black guy 1 lasted a while. 2.45 seasons before he is eaten. But then there is black guy 2. He overlaps black guy 1 by about 2 episodes. But he eats a shotgun blast to the tits so he is gone. And just when you think the show has gone all New Hampshire they introduce another black guy.

I'm starting to feel like the show just gives you people to kill them. And if that is the case and all we really attach to is the father and son who effectively won't die then what are we watching? It's a recipe for feeding zombies. I guess I'll partake. I guess.

Story time.

I went to a pet shop/zoo in Providence one time. Guy had alligators monitor lizards snapping turtles. I asked the gentleman what's the thing you want to be bit by the least. He pulls out a coffee tin and gets a feeder mouse. Drops the mouse in and tilts the can towards me.

I was expecting a dinosaur or a thousand scorpions made out of barb wire. I look in and see a centipede bite the tiny mouse and hang on. I was like. 'Cute bug'. The mouse proceeds to melt from the inside out like it stared into the Arc of the Covenant and it was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.

I've since thought about that bug biting my hand or my ankle and just feeling my tissue dissolve. Tendons, arteries even bone just become a green mush and how devastating that would be. Achilles' tendon just corroding down to paste.

What an awful little pile of shit that centipede was.

Disney buys Star Wars.

I don't understand how a bunch of 25-40 year old men complain about a movie studio/toy company who's purpose is to sell to children buying a franchise that was made for children.

This is like everyone being mad if Disney bought Nintendo, when I was a kid Nintendo was great, I'm an adult now I don't blame Nintendo for having kids games, they're not for me anymore I didn't expect Nintendo to mature with me much like I didn't expect Sesame Street or The Muppet Babies and the way Star Wars fans shouldn't be upset that their franchise didn't mature for them. Children like Jar Jar Binks. Kids loved him, like the fan boys all liked Chewbacca. Have some fucking self awareness you fucking pricks. It's not for you. It's time to grow up and move on to overrate another mediocre franchise that will haunt me the rest of my life.

Try The Dark Knight. I hear there's plenty of mundane shit in that movie to debate forever.

Newrosis

When Neurosis submitted their album for review(me downloading it illegally off a blogsite) I figured here we go, another installment from my favorite band. And it's funny because I never gave myself a chance to really explore Given To The Rising. Which is fine that album only came out a couple years agFIVE!?!? THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO?

Ok first song. I love neurosis however I find it extremely presumptive of Scott Kelly to say we ALL rage in blood. Speak for yourself mister.

I sometimes think that Scott and Steve just try to see what an ass the other one is acting like, and tries to out do it. Like a pissing contest. It's like a game of dickhead chicken and neither of them is going to pull up and admit that the other won. Like oh you wrote about walking through snow fields that go on forever? Ok well let me compound it and scream more about wolves some more. Fuck he made the reference to blistered hands now what? I got it I'll bring up unending darkness.

I don't get it. Will the new world be cold or will it be too warm? They talk about deserts and snow so much I really don't even think they know what's going to happen. I wonder if they are doomsday prep-ers. Neurosis needs a reality show so bad. I bet they spent all their mercy money on a desalinization tank.

That's a really long verse to begin an album, it was kind of just a run on sentence. 18 bars is asking a lot of someone who listens to pop-rap but they've still got me. I mean of course they do. I love this band and I'm so happy to have more music from them. I'm a Neurosis apologist. I claim everything they've done after 1994 is gold. I even like their side projects, or ignore them if they suck.

Ahhhh it's Steve's turn. I love neurosis formula, it's a formula and it feels completely different every time. God do these lyrics make no sense at all to anyone but them. Whoever says these guys lyrics are great are just trying to fit in. Steve loves to hold notes. He's like a little Celine Dion in black jeans and a beard. Was that a vague heroin reference? Are heroin references ever not vague...other than that Baroness song about 'heroin what have you done with my friend'. God was that hilarious.


For a world with no people and just selected cults and nomadic wondered looking for berries and sustenance there sure is a shit ton of battles. There's 30 people left alive why are we fighting each other?

More of my favorite music. More lyrics that make no sense. Can't wait until Neurosis lets us into their little club where their lyrics don't just seem like a man listing things that seem not fun to go through and talk about being tired from walking a lot.

It gets to a point where I genuinely wonder about neurosis' life. Does anyone in neurosis own a copy of Up on DVD? Which member laughs at the other's lyrics behind their back the most? Do they rent? Own? What's their bathroom look like? Did they have any strong opinions on Chris Benoit? Christmas trees? Do they have kids that go to school or do they just wear cloaks around the house and practice with their scythe?

Yessss the slow starting song that eventually breaks after 4 minutes and turns into rifftits.... I guess that's every song. But fuck you. I need this. Iron? He brought up iron? Who is harvesting this iron? God the apocalypse just seems like too much work. I have no skills really. If the world ends will there be a band I can make fun of? Or will they battle me? I'm just not a fighter for survival type. And I'm one of the billions really. Only four or five of the 101 Dalmatians really fought for their lives if you think about it. The rest just ran behind the others and made sarcastic comments.

This song I guess is about starving. Which is fine. But it would be like me writing a song about hang gliding. Neurosis aren't exactly svelte and trim. Gaping wounds? Pass! He's yelling about shadow worlds. I assume this is a Zelda reference.

Just went to the bathroom and Scott is still yelling about a shadow world. Just use the mirror dude you'll go back to light world maybe that's the desert they're talking about? They talk about 'a mountain' 'a desert' Hyrule? My mind is blown.

I've always felt like X-Men First Class was a more enjoyable holocaust movie than Schindler's List.....what brought that up? This guitar part is lasting a while I guess haha.

walken dead

Can anyone tell me what is likable about the horrible pirate hoarders the cast of the Walking Dead have become? I didn't really care if they died to begin with and now that they show no sign of being human I'm completely disconnected from everyone on the show.

Resident Evil Six

So like me you forgot how disappointing 5 was and still have your hard on for 4 and you bought 6. To be honest with you I don't understand how this series still exists. 8 something average games, 5 worse movies all held up by partial Jovovich nudity and a game cube game that came out 7 years ago that featured a quick time jet ski event as the final level. Well its too late, you surrendered your money anyways and its time to be underwhelmed like you were at a metal festival, you're surrounded by mouth breathing zombies that look ghastly and you're out 60$(insert your gross currency conversion here) and it appears to be hours before you get to feel safe again. If you are tired of the formula of the last couple games well then you're in luck you didn't just purchase a typical Resident Evil game, which is great, because you get tired of doing the same repetitive things and you long for a new format or at least a twist on what you've been playing in the last couple games. So here it is Resident Evil....meets Gears of War. What? You didn't want that? No one was asking for that? Well too bad.

Actually I understand changing the game around and Gears of War and Call of Duty sell a lot of units so as disappointed as I am with the decision to become a ultra-linear piss based duck and cover, push up the line, rail shooter. Updated formula I guess, don't want to go stale right? I play these games trying to figure out who is the Fifth Element girl and it never happens so what the piss do I know. But the duck and cover fire around corner way of playing this game is just boring, also pointless considering many times you are dumped into a huge room with bad guys spread out. So if you velcro your back to a wall you are probably about to get your neck bitten by a pale Asian man with blood dripping from his mouth. Which would be alarming if there was no such thing as porn tube sites.

I really don't know the characters, Leon is from 4, Chris is from 5, and everyone else is just a blur. The funniest part about the game is its assumption you care enough to remember its mythology, my favorite thing about comic books is when it catches you up during the story in a seamless transition, if you missed Thor 22, Thor 23 will do a reasonably acceptable job of letting you in on whats going on. Resident Evil assumes you are its biggest fan and they are above explaining anything to you. Just kind of hit the ground running, more importantly though it doesn't really matter does it? Leon is paired with some girl named Helena who you never get attached to or love like you do Ashley from 4. Chris has Piers, lol Piers. Jake and Sherry.... no idea. And eventually you play as Ada, Ada has the batman grappling hook that you don't really get to use that much and for the first 3 campaigns she is pretty much just a cock.

Speaking of outdated, why not abandon the whole stupid herb system? I'm getting rockets fired at me by militia henchmen and a gas has turned men into indestructable flesh eating giant mutants with Cyberdine arms, why am I finding potted plants and eating them to feel better? Why do I have to equip the plant and then hit the button to use it? Why don't I just use it out of my inventory? Maybe I should just be happy the duck and cover health regen system isn't in use. Lets talk about the modernized additions to the game...

New additions:

HUD/NAV Point!!! Well one is a constant NAV point on my HUD telling me where to go, constant. At no point is it not on the screen for the first couple chapters, Even if there is one door in a room, it will remind you that to progress, one must go through it. The ammo is always on the screen shown by twinkly lights, and when you fire an automatic weapon its incredibly distracting. The health Bar is always on the screen and apparently a stamina bar, which is impossible to run out of especially when you exchange trinkets for upgrades, which no one would ever do, except me.

Sliding!!!! They added the ability to run and slide on your ass and be able to fire from the ground. This is a great addition because mobility is something you don't need when fighting a room full of zombies, neither is the ability to not be pig piled on by zombies that are behind you(you can't turn around quickly when you're on the ground) so basically they added a feature that is for the bored and adventurous who want to see why nobody has ever won a boxing match in the prone position.

Swimming!!! Was swimming the missing element? The bane of my existence is the swimming parts in video games, never could get past the swimming part in NES Ninja Turtles, no one goes back to the swimming levels in Mario 64 for a fun review of the water mechanics, games are involving enough I don't know why I have to deal with the responsibility of my players blasted breathing. Granted you swim for about 2 minutes total but as you can tell it was a rather taxing 2 minutes on me. But seriously you know why there has never been a action underwater game where you have really great advanced swim physics? Because swimming is like watching your loved ones die in front of you.

Weapons!!!!!!! You store 20 different weapons in your back pocket. It becomes a little silly that by the end of the campaigns I have 4 assault rifles on me at all times, and never enough ammo. You can upgrade your weapons and skills as you go along by collecting trinkets that though barely having any value in reality but in a post apocalyptic time you can exchange them for the ability to kick harder and make bullets hurt more. The weapons gradually get bigger so the further you go into the game switching guns becomes more and more comedic and like a cartoon.

Gameplay:

Your partner is just a hindrance, much like in parts of 4 when you had to protect Ashley, and all of 5. They go down needing to be picked back up, they never can cover for you in battle the way you need. Why is the single player game sacrificed for the need of a co-op campaign mode? Why would a zombie based horror thrill action game assume anyone has friends? Also it feels exactly like Medal of Honor when you are reduced to playing push up the front line over and over against the.... pro-zombie mercenary/henchmen? Anyone care to explain how evil someone can be so as to accept a check in return for supporting a gentleman who's main goal seems to be the death of 5.97 billion men women children tits and dolphins? You people are somehow worse than Nazis.

The weapon use is all the same everything has a laser site but you have the option for a retical if you need one, and if you do I recommend having someone come over and beat the game for you and sleep with your girlfriend because you are a knob. One great thing about this game is that the melee system is the best combat method, way superior to firing shotguns into zombies chests, which makes me think a ball was dropped here, and kicked down a hallway into the silly room. Shouldn't melee be a last line of defense? Whoever spent the time on the melee mechanics and art development had some sway with the final product, because the best way to confront a body armor wearing zombie firing a m4 at you from across a rooftop is to charge at them while they go through cycled animations of them yelling and pointing at you, get close enough to them and hit the L button to kick them in the chest or break their neck. After you've done the same melee moves 10 times each you get kind of tired of them, which is funny because then you get to say the sentence that just proves the myopic nature of this combat system "I'll think I'll challenge myself and use the firearms instead".

This game glitchy, my partner gets stuck in all doors, every little door has a tiny none shall pass Gandhalf reference within. Your partner also will either run away from you or stand in your way, there is no middle ground. Zombies that get in close to you can not be hit by bullets, there is no aiming system with anything within 4 feet, you will just miss, center-mass non-headshots are like peeing on a 10 story inferno. In fact the best way to kill these zombies is the one feature the game lacks the most, a back pedal option. If you're far enough away from an enemy it doesn't know its on camera and will just sit there waiting for its cue. You can repeat skull snipe them for as many hits as it takes(multiple head shots from sniper rifles are necessary apparently) and they won't move, they'll just take repeat beatings and sit there like an Irish woman until they die.

Camera system just aims into walls when it wants, there is no control there is just anarchy, back up into a wall and its like the camera man fell over something behind him and next thing you know some upside down man scorpion has mounted you. The controls are funnier than Neurosis lyrics at times, especially when you're close and combative, when you need them the most. They'll just point at a wall or you will disappear and if you expect the AI of your partner to help you in those spots they'll just get stuck on a texture at that point and basically you're stuck in a tailspin until a zombie mercifully decides to hit you and you fall on your ass and the camera repositions, unless you fall on your ass right next to a wall, then you're in for a special kind of hell.

Visual:

The scale has gone way up but that's not an art, its just masturbation. its nothing but texture work like the quick time events to open doors become grinding out your time devoted to something that doesn't love you back. I have signed up to play a video game, why do you need to turn this into a job? The game is obviously visually stunning, the scale of bosses is remarkable, there are building collapses plane crashes, massive explosions, towers being toppled and it all is done really well. Visually this game is a 9 and I'm really only holding it back a point because I never played Skyrim and that's all anyone talked about. The levels seem huge but they're linear, cars locked doors and chairs... chairs block you from exploring which is kind of disappointing, I understand Resident Evil can't be a sand box game because that would be fun but does it have to feel like I'm being dragged behind a boat like I'm water skiing?

The interface/menu/HUD/inventory are all really impressive, I mean they're gorgeous but just confusing to no end and they mean nothing to me in any way and the only way I figure anything out is to click everything multiple times and just really hope things work out.

Catacombs... there are an awful lot in these games don't you think? Couple that with underground bunkers medical labs and Eastern European castles, you have every setting you can guess you would end up at. Plus the metropolitan cityscape that look like every multiplayer level in Call of Duty.

The game is dark though, I hate to admit this but I am a coward so I had to turn the brightness up a couple levels just so I could see better, and it turned out I ended up playing the entire game in a dusk lighting mode that probably completely kept me from immersing myself into the game, which is stupid, and made the game exponentially easier. I didn't miss a crate or a hidden walkway at that point. The backgrounds are breath taking but its a Resident Evil game, to give out points for that is like giving points for spelling your name right on the SAT test.

Story:

To complain that a game is too short is one thing, 5 was short, 6 is not short, 6 is long, long because it is a movie that you control between cinematic events.
The dialogue between the characters while you're walking around in between battle stuff is supposed to tie the story along right? But really I just have to ignore it because of the constant quick time events that if you do not complete you die. I can't listen to my partner talk about the next objective or whoever Simmons is because I'm constantly afraid the floor is going to drop out and I will have to hit two buttons consecutively to the metronome or I'm going to die. The game developers have to know this right?

Different stories bring different environments and different enemies which is cool, but though individually different from story to story they do get repetitive. Leon and Helena(these names will eventually mean something to you) fight standard Zombies. Chris and Piers fight mercenaries and sword armed fiddler crab zombies, who are sometimes armed, which I'm sure was explained but, during the explanation I was probably waiting for a QTE and didn't hear it. Jake and Sherry fight henchmen with hilariously poor aim and have a constant chapter ending battle with another video game boss(more on this later).

In closing:

Every boss is the same as every mini boss really, its a big stupid bio-scorpion arachnid thing with independently glowing appendages that you shoot when told to, its the same from the last couple games. The final boss for Leon is a half giraffe half German Shepard and a non-playable character kills it while you hang off the edge of a building like a stupid Flying Wallenda before it turns into the Brundle Fly. Jake and Sherry fight a mother from Bioshock(not kidding) and Chris and Piers the constant homo-eroticism between them throughout their storyline. I hear there are a lot of really great gruesome death scenes in this game, but I didn't really see any, because I'm not a fucking rookie. 5.375 out of 10. Oh wait there are animated tits...5.2/10.

casting mis-step

why couldn't jason statham be in the longest yard? he could be the English soccer player turned field goal kicker.

this just makes too much sense on so many levels. He gets all excited to play football, gets outside and sees its American football and acts all dejected about it finally after some convincing he joins and everyone accepts him.

It would even give the soundtrack a chance to play a random song from The Who.

Beta Testing For Bane

actual footage of Thomas Hardy's transition into finding the voice of the mercanary turned terrorist turned dictator Bane.

Green and or Yellow

WARNING THERE ARE A LOT OF OBSCURE METAL REFERENCES INSIDE, ANY BANDS I MENTION PROBABLY SUCK SO DON'T LOOK THEM UP.


Track by Track Mario style, heeeeere we go!!!!!!!!!

Unable to shake the mold of "uncreative metal act" the release starts out with a stupid instrumental build up track of non-coincidental noise that no one could possibly enjoy. It's like E Honda's moves in Street Fighter, they're stupid and repetitive and no one wants to ever see one again.

oh what a delight you are with your....multiple face palms? seriously what a chick you are

look out, for the top of his vulnerable head!!

first you hit me with your chin, which any boxer will tell you is a brilliant strategy, then of course yeah dude attack me with your ass, thats just fantastic

Ok right off the bat the second track first actual song of the album is really enjoyable, mostly because on this listen I'm not paying attention to the lyrics like I did the first time, whoops, paid attention. "DID YOU TURRRRRRN THE OTHER WAAAAAY" I know judging an album from a snippet is cheap(like E Honda's moves in Street Fighter) but how bad is that? Don't worry they get worse. Take My Bones Away sounds like a Rob Zombie song name and I mean that can either be a really tremendous thing or a really stupid thing. The song is completely different than Baroness' last release which is the highest praise any Baroness album can receive. Its like referring to any of Dale Earnhardt's races as "that one you didn't fucking die on national tv during".

Now seems like a good time to address the vocals, they sound EXACTLY like the short lived much hyped nu-grunge/metal act called CKY, which of course had the CKY video series as one of their brothers was Bam Margera. Now I guess this is where I should shred the band for this and the aforementioned CKY, but honestly, I've always enjoyed the band's work and I won't even call it a guilty pleasure, I will say they have 10 or so songs I legitimately enjoy and I'll say the bands sound is unique(until now lol) and I'll stand with this opinion, so whatever.
Vocal similarity comparison:
Baroness.

cky

tell me that's not incredibly similar.

MORE TO THE POINT, similar(identical) vocals aside, wow are they enhanced. They are the Coco of vocals.

Thanks to the new Baroness record metal fans can no longer make fun of pop vocals for being all studio enhanced. Katy Perry has as much cred as Lemmy and every uncreative argument about successful music with mass appeal is null and void to the bearded constituency.

The guitars sound a lot like Radiohead on various solos that the band has done. More on this later.

My god we're only at the third track. March into the Sea for some shocking reason shares the name with one of the few Pelican songs I'll admit to liking, even more shocking is I specifically enjoy the JK Broderick remix of the song, this entire paragraph belongs in 2004 or moreover the waste bin. Again, song sounds a lot like CKY vocals with Radiohead guitars, and that honestly is not a bad combination. Now lets concentrate on the lyrics. "Heroin where did you take my friend". Jesus that is some remedial stuff, maybe its heartfelt though, I just really feel like its Layne Staley cover act material. "when will you let me go" This is one of those depressing heroin songs that for some reason get instant legitimacy from me having dealt with substance abuse problems and friends of mine dying. However if I ever wrote "heroin where did you take my friend" I'd fully expect to be mocked.

On to what could be the worst track on the entire album, definitely is. Straight out of a Puddle of Mud record "Little Things" is just the worst. It sounds like some mid 2000s bad radio act, it sounds like Lit. It sounds like the band Lit, it sounds like the band Lit with echoed Eve6 vocals. I don't know what the song is about as no one could possibly have any connection with the vocals, but it sounds like he is blaming a girl for being sneaky and for some reason greasy, I'm sure it gets deeper than this but no one will ever find that out, its like a guy reaching into a ball pit and instantly finding a piece of shit, you're not going to go back digging in the ball pit for ANY reason despite what anyone says about further down in the ball pit there is something wonderful. Also calling someone or something "a sneaky little thing" just sounds ridiculous.

The next song is basically a 'A Perfect Circle' song with more echo vocals than a chanting monk cd. It also features about the same dynamics and range as one of those cds as well. It sounds like that stupid Sol Invictus song that no one really likes. Whatever its 2 minutes and honestly is a nice cohesive transition track between song 6 and 3 considering I will be deleting track 4. The 'A Perfect Circle' comparison is really the band I was thinking of when I first started writing this review for the comparison, unfortunately I don't know anything about that band or their sound so just hang on for some comic book references and me calling things "dumb"

Track 6! 2/3rds through! Its called Cocainium, which is either where Marvin Gaye played basketball or the periodic element found in Kate Moss' brain stem. Two up to date references, very proud of myself. This song is really weird.

Track 7 is really out of nowhere, the entire album sounds the same I think with the exception of this song, and wow does it sound a lot like Paranoid Android. Like exactly like it. To the point where if someone told me this song was recorded in the room Paranoid Android was recorded in 20 minutes after Radiohead left and no one touched any of the dials and used the same instruments and referred to the first recording as "the blue print" I wouldn't be surprised. The vocals at this point become numbing, they all have the same sound, all pretty much delivered through the entire album with the same cadence and it even gets to a wierd point where I'm convinced he's used the term "windowsill" in every song. awful 30 second electronic ambience at the end of this song, I guess as a build for the next song, but why not have it at the beginning of the next song, its like the opening credits for Return of the Jedi rolling at the end of Empire. I did that reference solely for Jaci.

So along with the echoed distortion added to the vocals now theres some weird electronic tinny sound being added on. I can not tell you how much the vocals sound like CKY. They sound like someone lamenting through the voice enhancing settings used for Apocalypse during the X-men Animated series that took itself way too seriously for its tween audience. You know, if the X-men were really into Radiohead. Hilarious lyric moment when "theres no difference between poison and the cure" is said, not because its bad songwriting, but because of how I instantly think of the bands Poison and The Cure and what a sad looking fat fuck hobbit Robert Smith is now.

Finally the closing track "Eula. Ok...this is a really good song. Its clearly coming from a legit bout of depression and suicidal thoughts and honestly if the entire album was like this I think I would love it, maybe I just need to try and get into the rest of the album like I can this song, not because I'm a sad pussy but because it just seems like they have a real connection with this one. I mean its funny how I feel about this song compared to the other songs on this album and I grant this one legitimacy....oh wait they just completely stole the guitar sound from the solo in Just by Radiohead. I cant blame a band for having the unfortunate circumstances of having heard Kylesa and Cult of Luna before they knew of Radiohead but come on guys. get a fucking sound. In their defense, Radiohead has more different sounds than just about any band so I will give them a brief reprieve when I say that its hard to say that they've copied the guitar work of that band. That being said Radiohead have sold more records than just about anyone and to act like their sound has eluded you is kind of silly.

I don't want to attack this band for having the idea to create something. I give this band all the credit in the world for doing something better than their last idea to release a 'better' sludge metal lp. So fuck it they put on Icarus wings and took a flight and whether or not it worked out at the very least you can say it sounds nothing like Rebreather. Which at this point in my life is the biggest compliment I can give. But in closing.

New Baroness = Paranoid Android arrangement + CKY vocals + Def Leppard vox effects + Alice in Chains lyrics + Radiohead guitar tones on solos + ANOTHER FUCKING DISC OF THE SAME THING .

I was planning on doing a live review of the new Baroness record thoroughly smashing it. Unfortunately I think I like it. Sorry for the cock tease.

What the Crap is Burn Notice?

Has anyone seriously watched Burn Notice? I would be shocked it's still on the air but seriously it's on the USA network and I don't really know what to say about that. 

Well it features a former operative who I guess works free lance now? I don't understand it and I honestly would be shocked if anyone expects me to. The funny thing is the main character  is fucking dreadful at acting. He goes into character at least once a show. He can't even do his own voice and he does like Boston accents and French accents about as effectively as you would assume 'The Situation' could. 

His accents aside are bad enough but forget that. He has the funniest over done facial expressions ever I would be shocked if he had a face before being cast in this show. In fact I'm almost positive the face is a mask and they just give him different ones for the scene. I'm not sure he's ever had a conversation before either. This episode he is doing a southern accent and I also would like to parlay my never having a face bet with never ever speaking to another adult before. I swear to fucking god I'm waiting for him to say "Tarnations!!". I think he's trying to be an oil baron. Those are owned by major corporations now what year do the writers think this is? Why not just be a slave owner? 

So he has two friends and basically a new enemy every episode. The enemy is whoever the enemy is of the person who pays him. So basically the enemy  is really just a matter of perspective. 

He has two friends. One is Ash, Ash from Evil Dead is apparently on a cable show. How is that not a bigger deal then it is? I mean I guess it isn't really a big deal. I could pretend it is. But honestly who even gives a shit about him anymore. Dude was in 3 good (for its genre no one who can be taken seriously would take Evil Dead trilogy over a good serious drama) movies almost 20 years ago. I'd say 'what happened' but really he's not a very good actor so why even speak of him. In the show he plays a sidekick/best bud who apparently drinks beer a lot is a womanizer and wears Tommy Bahama shirts. So basically you sit around all episode hoping he dies. 

Secondly is some girl who plays the girlfriend/also sidekick who is shockingly really really good at acting. Like pretty good. For USA network she is unapproachable. And she is out and out gorgeous....when she wears all over the face sunglasses. When she doesn't yikes. Well it's nice to see a girl get work from just acting merit. She's like the opposite of Scarlet Johansson. And too bad this is basically as successful as you can be as a not so attractive actress. The USA Network. 

getting deep with thrones.

Why does the show think that the hound quitting the war means anything to me? You've spent no time explaining him to anyone how do I know he wouldn't do something like that? Your show is spread too fucking thin and I don't know who this jerk off is or why he quit or if him quitting was fuck all expected or not. You spent 8 episodes getting me ready for a 35 minute war how dare you say winter was fucking coming when it shows up at the end of the last episode 20 seconds before credits. People draw comparisons to lotr and this show and they're right. They both made you sit through 9 hours of set up to see a short war that you thought was brief but ended with an army you don't care about showing up and beating everyone off camera.

It's funny when you read about the budget restraints on this show and what they did to save money. They really did a brilliant job of stretching a buck at parts and then having the scenes in New Zealand look so great spending millions there. But really, this was just a set up season. There was one great part of one show and the rest has just asked more of the viewers. There was no progress in a lot of story lines. 15 minutes devoted to the Dragon Girl. Maybe double that for the Night's Watch. Why even have them?

How can the story they end the last season with mean nothing this season? If season 3 is anything like season 2 the snow zombies will be a 15 minute sub plot that is killed off in the final episode before anyone really has time to think about what they are/were to the overall story.

Games on Games on Games

I've decided to complain again about a cable tv show for being over praised. Now before I do the whole Walking Dead thing I will say this, Game of Thrones is not a poorly written action show that people just enjoy because of the action content and the exclusive elements of gore and sex. I'm not sure its written at all.

I understand it is a novel that tons of teenagers, virgins and socially awkward women have loved for years upon months now, but this show is about as easy to follow as Nightcrawler free running parkour style through midtown Manhattan circa .

Why does a 5 front mega war need more going on in it other than the war? Adding to it is kind of ridiculous right now isn't it? A war in itself can be confusing, especially when all the characters look like Amon Amarth. To take a war of one army spread out in three parts against 3 different sieging families only really referred to as "The Northerners" is really fucking confusion, but add to that a civil war between one of "The Northerners" only distinguished by the slightest of idiosyncrasies and of course, which way the deer is facing on their emblems you can't really get a good look at at any time. A civil war between two deer clans that you by the way have no idea who is right and wrong. They both make claims for the throne, what throne by the way I'm not sure, because they're trying to kill each other and not the guy who has a throne that I actually need to see the person inhabiting killed otherwise I won't be able to fucking live with myself.

Add to that 3 different groups of people have altercations involving 3 different mythical creatures. I admittedly hate the fantasy aspect of the show and the thought of dragons and walking zombie werewolves is enough, but adding an unexplained smoke monster to the ordeal and losing him for the next two episodes with no mention of him in anyway is pretty fucking cruel, even for a show featuring baby wars. Unexplained smoke monsters by the way always the sign of a lazy show that is disgustingly overpraised by fan boys who should just be watching Batman movies crying about their inaccuracies to a comic book the movie is not based on. Which by the way shares a hilarious similarity with this show. If you want the books, read the books. This is different. Also, has anyone explained who impregnated Tori Amos with Venom? And why that whole situation has miraculously disappeared from the show?

God fucking dammit there are pirates, which were made a deal about for about....20 minutes. Then never discussed. A supposed Naval Armada battle against a Kingdom protected by its impenetrable walls(finally a story with a kingdom with impenetrable walls). Dragon lady vs The villain from Harry Potter and Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation's love child who can do the Multiple Man trick. Who stole 3 cat sized dragons who are supposed to be powerful and bring Blondy Naked Lady to her rightful(not explained) spot on the throne. Which gets about 40 seconds a week to unfold.

Not fucking done. Add a separate sub-story involving two different kids, one you don't care about who is crippled and had what could be the worst non-twist in any story line ever. He's dead at the end of one episode, and everyone goes "nah he's probably not dead". And at the end of the next episode is SURPRISE HE'S ALIVE to which EVERYONE watching at home goes "yeah dude we know". Then add someone you actually give a fuck about and have her have the thrilling life of being a waitress/maid/bug eye giver at every situation she is in.

Its like its a silent movie she over does the facial expressions,

look away from the tv you can actually hear her make the faces.

As for how convoluted the show can be. It's like watching Lord of the Rings on an iPad in a movie theater while they play Braveheart while someone next to you is reading you the script to All the Presidents Men and every 15 minutes you have to watch 2 minutes of Finding Nemo with two different fish. Then throw in 4 love triangles and a couple different starting love stories none of which really get going because they have to focus ON THE FUCKING WAR. Then...again, try and read a novel of a man sent away by his family to go live on a wall in the middle of nowhere and just constantly elude to a mythical werewolf that you haven't seen since the first episode as he has run ins with 3 different clans of people who's origins intentions and way of life is never explained, also add in a love story with him that is actually different than the others and somewhat interesting, but you only get about 3 minutes a week to tell his story. Of course because its on hbo you have to add in brief soft core interludes of uncomfortable sex between a hideous looking man and a girl who either looks like Florence and the Machines or a sickly version of the bi girl on House. Some of which featuring incest, So much fucking incest. I guess there was incest back then, but you don't have to feature it every other episode. Its like pointing out that black people were called different terms in a series by having a segment every show called "the spook minute". We get it, stop founding a monument on the fucking thing. I think the series is kind of like the opposite of any other on tv, rather than have a lot happen to a couple characters they have decided to have a little happen to about 60.


That last paragraph was convoluted and confusing. Now imagine 70% of the characters in those movies all look like this.

Tim Burton. Eh.

So The Avengers had a leak and now you can watch a cam rip on line. Can anyone explain to me why anyone would ever want to do something like that? You ruin your film experience for what? To see the plot and dialog of a comic book movie? I've decided to spoil the ending and get none of the atmosphere sound or detail in effects and lighting by watching some losers flip cam version?

space jail we're space jailin'

AKA Space Jail.

So there's a space jail. And that's sort of that. Its the non-clever future you've seen in RollerBall to Total Recall to Blade Runner. VARIANCE they keep prisoners in Matrix pods in suspended animation which is apparently where the writers areHAHA! Boom! Suck My Dick!!!!

Guy Pearce stars in a movie that is so far beneath him that it bothers me. He's a great actor. Read: Great. This movie is piss. He plays a character who's name I think was Corporal Anti Hero. A soldier/cop/taskforce/specialist that you think would play it by the numbers wait no, he's a renegade who obviously takes life very seriously, wait no he breaks up the movie with his quick remarks and comic relief while bringing toughness and a hidden selfless mentality founded in him by the loyalty and tutelage of his General(not explained at all) whom is killed in the beginning of what could be the most rushed beginning of a movie since Red Dawn. Patrick Swayze doesn't even establish the fact he is a human before Russians are touching down. Enough about a good movie though, back to Space Jail's lead that you have seen at least 9,000 fuck all times. He's basically a scrapbook of other action movie heroes. Only the names have changed. Think Die Hard in a Halo suit played by an actor who could be in a movie that people would give a fuck about but instead is in a movie I'm pretty sure a copy paste program had as much passion in writing as whoever imdb gives credit to for issuing out this pile of well worn assery.

Really bad CGI chase scene with a motorcycle from the future. Its fucking music video quality bad. Kind of surprising to see really, and so early in the movie you immediately know you don't have to take the rest of it seriously, its kind of like the first time you hear Al Pacino's voice in Scarface and you realize the rest of the movie is a joke and nothing that happens from that moment on could mean anything to anyone who isn't a total fool.

moving on

Guy 'Neo' Pearce crashes the motorcycle into a building going an estimated 600mph based on the blurry Hellboyesque graphics and just rolls to a stop after smashing through a window. When filming this scene Guy had to just keep looking at a picture of the check he got for inspiration. Not sure what book the special effects guys read before making this scene but I'm sure it started with "An Introductory To:".

The jail has a revolt and is taken over with what can be described as a 2-3 minute rebellion. Games tag have had slower transitions than this. Its the most important part of the movie other than the climax and they rush it like it was a contest to see how quickly they could do it. They showed about 15 security guards grab guns. 3 get killed and next thing you know it's over. They showed about 1,000 cells and there are maybe 28 prisoners in any scene. I hope they didn't scale down to save money because the movie looks ridiculous. There's a space revolt that must be stopped because a group of 3 dozen horrible criminals are acting up? This could be filmed in a Detroit public school every day. Guy 'CorbanDallas' Pearce is sent on a one man mission to rescue the president's daughter who remains inconspicuous for about 10 minutes before someone reads her name tag and deduces she has the same last name as the president. So bad news for Reggie Bush 5 years ago, you're fucked. As for the President's daughter she is on a prison satellite full with thousands (dozens) of murderers and awful people. And she had 3 secret service guys with her. All over powered and killed. That's the best they can do? AC Milan's tour bus drove by me one time. They had a 20 police car escort, this seems like they're playing it a little cheap. Moving on.

So Guy 'Dutch' Pearce gets to the Presidents daughter in about 12 seconds of looking. Actually not even that long. He breaks into a floating prison looking for one pers...oh there she is. She's played by the daughter from Taken. So instantly I'm on the prisoners side. She is strangely attractive in this movie though

Maybe because it doesn't show her goofy running with a denim jacket bedazzled with unicorns. He finds her inside what looks like a floating O'Hare International Airport mega terminal floating in space in about the time it would take you to find Kate Upton's tits in this picture

They uncover that the prisoners are being expiremented on. More on this later....just kidding it only comes up once in passing and no one is vilified for it. I mean not even like an evil super prisoner, just that, the movie asks "do you see what they're doing?" and then immediately answers for you "yes". Did a writer from Lost have anything to do with this movie? What a weird aside to the audience that went nowhere and has no bearing on the movie in anyway. Guy 'RickDeckard' Pearce doesn't even really react to it, almost like he was trying to send a message that "yeah this is nothing focus on me". As for the experimented on prisoners? I kept expecting mutant altered mega prisoners later in the movie, they don't even have a reason for who is authorizing it or why. Its like they cut a scene out later in the movie explaining what that scene meant, they also seem to have cut the scene explaining why they even ended up in a lab to begin with. We're in ducts we're lost we don't know where we are going, brief check in on the power struggle amongst the prisoners hierarchy, ok we're in a lab now.... this movie uses cohesion like its bacon in Shareef Abdur-Rahim's kitchen.

Thinking conservatively, shouldn't a space jail have a sleeping gas fail-safe control that could be activated from earth to cull riots? And I hate to problem shoot a movie because it's lazy and stupid. It takes a shallow boring human to shoot down plot holes of a fantasy movie with reality because the key to any movie is the suspension of disbelief and if you are sitting in a movie where you just say things like "just call the cops and wait outside" or "just kill him and its over" is something an uncreative unimaginative bore would do. So me even mentioning the sleeping gas idea is stupid...but they mentioned having one. And for some reason didn't use it. I guess they didn't want to have a security override system from earth for whatever reason, which is fine. Otherwise how would we get to experience Guy 'SolidSnake' Pearce go through the motions like every kid in highschool did when they had to do pushups in gym before they got to play dodge ball for 40 minutes. Pearce virtually films this movie like his car was running in the parking lot. Filming time couldn't have been more than 10 days.

I feel like a lot gets cut from this movie. The beginning, establishing the main character, and getting to the jail is maybe 45 seconds. The takeover is maybe 2 minutes. The insurgence is quicker, yet the movie somehow ends up over 2 fucking hours. Thats a lot of time Guy SnakeBliskin Pearce spends in duct work. Its like the beginning of Golden Eye when you can't figure out where to go initially. I want to almost see an editors cut. So much is missing. They show a scene where 8 security guards get chased by 12 inmates and they imply I guess that the armed guards lost that battle. The movie takes place in a crawl space for about 50 minutes, you get claustrophobic to the point its like you're reading a fucking Ray Bradbury novel. It gets so cramped he breaks out into a hallway with no windows and it feels downright spacious. Guy 'JohnMcClane' Pearce has quip filled interactions to what he believes is a silver spooned doesn't know anything about the real world spoiled brat, and she gives it right back to who she believes is a heartless soldier cog of her passionless father. A dynamic rarely seen in a movie since the last time they made this movie 4 years ago.

Come out to the spacejail, we'll get together, have a few laughs..

Back to the scale issues of this movies. The prisoners turned hostage takers make mention of more hostages. They can find 4 safety engineers at the snap of a finger. They elude to a giant room full of hostages they never show, all sorts of engineers guards infirmary workers janitors technicians and so on. Then the loose cannon prisoner leader takes a six shot revolver starts executing random people and all of a sudden Guy DetectiveRiggs Pearce tells the first daughter "All the hostages are dead". Oh? Are they? An entire floating space jail full of humanity is overrun and murdered by 30 bad guys? Specifically in a scene where you hear 6 maybe 7 gun shots? That was abrupt. That was pretty fucking quick. Especially when you didn't show any of it. So basically you have implied carnage that they repeatedly refuse to show. Not to sound like a disgusting man pig but...where is the violence? This movie is shockingly PG-12 with the violence. They shoot hostages but, really only in the background of a security camera granulated feed. I mean it's a prison riot movie. The prisoners turn on each other and get revenge on the rats by...insinuating that they're going to hurt them? They take over from the guards by throwing them over a rail and playing the sound effect of them hitting the ground. Even the big payoff at the end of the movie is just a jarring quick jab punch that knocks the bad guy unconscious. Unsatisfied? Imagine Guy Pearce's face at the premier half way through a movie that could kill George Clooney's career.

I also don't want to ruin the movie for you but I will just give away this so think hard about it before you see this. Guy 'CaseyfuckingRyback' Pearce escapes prison satellite jail by jumping from it and parachuting back to earth. So yeah. Go see it. Seriously. Read that and go see it.

goosefish2

me at the aquarium making a great jurassic park reference, then louldy announcing I made one, following it up with mocking a child, because I am a prick.goose fish feedin' part 2

goosefish1

this is it, this is what a day is like with me at an aquarium. my friend patrick is the one shouting at me to move, I immediately denounce everyone. goose fish feedin' part 1.

I just can't take Game of Thrones seriously until they find more characters to introduce to the show and then do nothing with for 2 episodes.

pretty sure Game of Thrones just fell into my formatted cable tv show theorem.

science.

I'd like to cite a law of physics.
Theory of relativity and how it completely doesn't work with Grey's Anatomy.

Time inside vs time outside. People leave the hospital and have multiple days worth of activity in what amounts to about 20 minutes inside the hospital. Some hospital exec leaves and visits multiple places during the time it took a separate story line to get an xray result back.

So many characters on this fucking show. War and Peace in a hospital if all the conflict happens between incestuous doctors.



They completely borrowed a character from nip/tuck. It's ABC though. No one will notice. Some pool hall handsome chap named McSteamy. he basically is just over the top Sawyer from Lost. He's like cartoony Luke Perry. It's so weird. Is this show supposed to be this campy? I keep expecting Ash to walk by or something. I feel like he just walked in from a different show entirely. He's dressed like a pilot. Does he ride a motorcycle? Why is there a bad boy doctor? He's a plastic surgeon? Can Nip/Tuck sue?

It's not bad but it's certainly guilty of using one time characters like patients as lightning rods for emotion rather than have anything between the everyday characters.
This is a better produced version of General Hospital. It's just the typical relationship things cheating breaking up and a pile of shit. This show is an inferior less layered version of House. Torpid House, the show should be called Condo. Get it? Smaller cheaper house? Fuck you.

So much self doubt vs reassurance from other characters. Everyone is constantly giving pep-talks. This is like an episode of Degrassi with out the kids that are assholes. No one on the show is a bad guy, everyone is just having a tough time with stuff and there are 0 antagonists. Theres one serious story line and 20 Rosencrantz and Guildensterns just there for giggles.

Oh good a voice over accompanied with adult contemp music. And apparently a lesbian sex scene. Or at least an implied one. Which happened in House like 5 years ago.

yeah thats about it

This truly is the Oceans 11 super cast of no talent. Every mediocre black actor is in this movie Where is Idris Elba?
He couldn't get away from filming The Losers? When will there be a Fast and Furious and The Expendables cross over movie?


Holy shit why is the bad guy from Desperado oh.... He's the bad guy. I guess I'm supposed to believe that he's Brazilian. Because this takes place in RIo. Which in it of itself is fucking hilarious. 3rd continent for this franchise. Psyched about the Sudan installment where Dom races some local diamond mine war lord guy played by again the logical direction for this franchise....Idris Elba. of course they'll have an evil right hand gorgeous woman henchman.

Everything tyrese says is offensively stereotypical black guy to the point it is racist. If this movie was viewed by a more educated audience who knew that it should be viewed as offensive it would be a much bigger issue than it is.

Don Omar? Tego Calderon? Where is Daddy Yankee? Cars play almost no role. I never would've guessed that two reggaeton stars and a rapper would play a much bigger role on this movie than any car.

Ahhhh. The trade mark of a lazy script. Completely made up technology that will probably never exist. It's like a James Bond gimmick.

Tyrese has giraffe mouth.


1/3rd of the movie is in subtitle-less Spanish. I'm watching the DVD and the only subtitle option is Spanish and Thai. Is what they're saying to each other important? I have no idea what the bad guys, the cops or two of the guys on the team are saying.

0 car driving. They show implied racing. They don't even show the racing. They implied a race occurred. I'm watching a heist movie under the guise of racing. What the fuck is this?

The rock disappears for 45 minutes mid movie. It's like he had 4 days on the set. He's the antagonist and he dominated the story at first and now it's over. The movie took a break from establishing a character and now we are watching guys weld stuff without explaining what they're doing.

I hate it when my parents fight


The most obvious plot twist betray telegraphed 40% into the movie. That everyone knows is coming. Also I'm complaining about a Fast and Furious movie telegraphing its twist. Figuring it out doesn't make me feel smart. I'm actually giving the movie praise because I thought the movie would've taken less time.

What is Dom Turrano anyways? Italian? Mexican? He's half black isn't he? What is he? They imply he's about 10 different nationalities. His sister is Latin gf is Mexican. They elude to him being Italian. I'm lost.

At least 42 unblocked full swing connected punches to the face in the rock vs vin diesel fight. People would die if they got hit full force this many times. ........SOMEONE THROW A BLOCK.

The rock joins forces with diesel.

Amazing.

FINALLY THE CHASE.

They tow a gigantic safe down a street and it crushes a fuck ton of buildings and cars probably killing dozens. But apparently they're the good guys. How does The Rock explain to his superiors why he took part in a robbery that destroyed millions of dollars of private property including what looked like hospitals schools banks and definitely a police department. The tow lines connected to the vault they are dragging rip down numerous concrete structures. I guess they're made out of adamantium. How do the lines not break?
This is bizarre now. You're killing police men. I understand the higher ups are corrupted but you are driving a safe down a metropolitan area murdering civilians eventually some legit cops are going to ask you to stop doing that. And you respond with murderous rage.

How many empty garages are there in Rio? The entire movie takes place in 6 different empty garage locations scattered across a city. That city being Rio.
Why Rio?

In closing.

Fast
And
Furious
Five
Is
2
Hours
Long
Fuck
What
You
Know.

No one makes me laugh harder longer than my dad. He is the best thing that ever happens to me. If it wasn't for him I would be a destitute bum blowing men for cash for mouthwash to get drunk on. I learned how to be funny from him and I only wanted really to be funny to make him laugh.

4 years ago my Dadsy had heart surgery and I never really asked him about it but today out of nowhere I did. I asked him if e prayed. Not a terribly religious man my dads answer of "no" was no surprise. But then he said something I felt I had to write down.


"I don't think god answers those things. If he did on a case by case basis I don't want his help."

So I just recently found out I'm sick, and its going to be a while until I'm ok. But I think I'm gonna listen to my dad and for once in my life not be a little baby about things.

Wish me luck.

music...because the other blog is dead

I really liked Anathema. They always seemed like a more refined?(lack of better term) Katatonia. I even purchase their music as it comes out. I didn't listen to the last album so can someone please explain to me when they completely changed? They were never razorwire and cocks but I'm completely lost with this new stuff.



When did they become diet Opeth? When did they become Evanessance tough? When did Anathema become praise music for a non-denominational deity? Girl vocals? Is this someone's girlfriend?

This is background music for a video collage of still pictures from a born again's white water rafting trip with her church group. This is really weird, it just seems like final episode review montage music for a reality show that involves a rope course.

does this make sense to anyone?

also there will be no download as its really easy to find, and you should come here for ME not the music.

also as a wierd aside. i enjoy this album. a lot.

hbo cancels luck

so with walking dead suddenly becoming good I don't have much to complain about. So why not say something awful.

I honestly don't care that much about horses lives to really jeopardize my entertainment. I know thats probably horrible and the horses didn't ask to be put in a show or whatever the response is fine and you're not wrong. But really if someone told me 3 horses were going to die but you would be highly entertained I would sign up. Now I'm not a malicious psycho who needs to see animals be killed and honestly I'd like the footage never to surface. But that doesn't mean a show has to hault. Micheal Mann really is a twat for this, he has his second good production in his entire life and he nixes it.

I guess its sad these animals died, but really, this is a Dustin Hoffman production. Its worth at least 3 human lives let alone big stupid stork dogs. They don't even love. They're just awkward deercows. Dumb pricks. I bet they would've lived too if they just had it in them to get a hold of themselves. Horses are like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man during the baby scene. They just go to pieces over nothing, difference being horses have the decency to kill themselves usually in their panic. Legs snapping or running off cliffs and what not.

Sad that Luck is gone. Kind of wish that Game of Thrones would get the ax in its place. Not that I don't enjoy the show just that I'm sick of people comparing it to the television version of the rapture. Its very ok. But if you like shows because it has a fantasy land element of dragons and sorcery you're a fucking child. And when you add tits to it, you are a fucking creep.

Rest In Peace Luck, you were the second HBO show me and my dad really enjoyed.

Halle Berry made a shark movie with the director from Blue Crush. Can we take away her oscar yet?

weekly walking dead post

Walking dead

Ok. I won't type out the stupid this show only does suspense well thing. So fuck it. I guess because the last episode was so good they needed a catch up episode. So we check back in on the Korean guy and I don't remember the last time the black guy talked.

The dead child's mother is annoying and yeah she's basically dead meat waiting until her sympathy is dried up and people don't care about her. They will kill her off. But I mean honestly. I can not stand Dale.



He's just...



always...



doing the same fucking thing...



and its just
too
much

He's the most exasperated and bewildered character ever on television. Stopped being shocked by your surroundings.

I swear they added a daughter to Herschel for no reason other than they'll need to kill her. They used a kid and zombie thrill for two commercial break cliff hangers. Two. Congrats show. And this is another thing I am officially over with this show. Why does there always have to be a longing conversation about life before. Its like the show is basically guys hanging out with their highschool friends and reminiscing about the good ol' days. And its like, I understand you are in a transitional period in your life, but we know this. We watched your life, you don't have to explain to us how you feel when we saw you transform. Its not like if you were watching a show about butterflies and they feel the need to tell you what life was back when they were just a caterpillar. And its like, yeah, I knew you then. We don't have to review that life has changed, we watched it changed. Now if we met you when you were a butterfly then its like. Ok. Tell me about you as a caterpillar because I have no idea.

Whatever. Enough about this show. It's gotten better lately. Hitting it with a newspaper is not called for. Especially with the delightful treat at the end of the episode. Fuck You Dale.

Also how long does it take to decide to shoot some one who is bleeding out on the dirty ground with his fucking guts ripped out? I don't know either, but that reminds me I need to finish my Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy review.

oscars the slouch.

Wow. Billy Crystal is awful. I hope he doesn't sing a song. And he went right into a song. Who wants this? Who sits around wanting this? The best acting job of the night was Brad Pitt laughing at the song. The best make up job was whoever doused Crystal's hair with soy sauce.

I just realized now the kind of collusion behind not nominating Zombieland for best actress. It really was just an excuse to nominate a black actress. Not to launch on a race diatribe but why not just nominate Columbiana too?

Wow. Tom Hanks has a cool dad beard. He looks ridiculous. Everyone has glasses. Tribute to the lamest movies ever.

Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz out to present the award for the two people I hate the most in the building. And then tried to make it about themselves. Gross fucking humans. Now they just tried to be funny, and to give them credit it was as funny as anything they could possibly do, which is miserably unfunny. Their personal assistant staff deserve a nomination for the job they undoubtedly did back stage acting like they were hilarious.

Morgan Freeman has a hilarious earring. Why is Adam Sandler here? Why is Ben Stiller here? Why is Reese Witherspoon here? Why is Tom Cruise here?

Sandra Bullock looks gWHY IS PUFF DADDY THERE?!? Nice to see a movie from Iran win best foreign. If for nothing else but to see a room full of Jewish people be uncomfortable. He's talking about peace, is he kidding?

Nick Nolte has a fucking spray tan.

Christian Bale is reading like he was a fucking police officer reading the report in the court room. And the award goes to the black lady for being black. Oh well. I'm 0-1. Angelina Jolie's lips are red and she looks like a Robert Palmer video ho. George Clooney is there with the 3rd manager for The Dudley Boyz.

The editing award went to the movie that lasted way too fucking long. Is that one of The Flight of the Concords guy? I can't figure it out... he looks like one, he just tried a joke and it wasn't funny and people laughed, has to be him.

Cirque du soleil guy just fell down and I think it's all a joke. Craziest thing maybe ever and one guy falls. Suck a dick circus. Chris Rock is hilarious.

Christopher Plumber. 1-2. There we go. Nick Nolte looks like Santa clause. Billy Crystal is drowning. He did the rewind joke. Yikes. Angelina Jolie has a 7head and she covered up her lol waitress tattoos.

Woody deserved to win for best screenplay He wrote a great movie it just sucks it didn't turn out well. Holy lol why is Milla Jovovich there? Did she agree to do a voice over? ahh.. cue: voice over.

Streep takes it down, I'm 1-3. This is getting ugly, what the fuck was I thinking? The Help lady must be sad losing her one nomination to a woman who should have 20 stupid trophies.

So the lead from The Artist won? Ok it's a lock for best picture now. Oh well. I can't 100% say it shouldn't win. I enjoyed Moneyball more and I think Extremely Loud and The Descendants are better movies.

And yeah, there it is...The Artist wins, I'm a pussy for picking The Descendants. Oh well. 1-5, pretty bad. oh well.

Best Movie

Hugo Haven't seen it but it seems to me to be a tribute to the great old movies that everyone seems to have forgotten about and the wonder of losing yourself in the beauty of cinema, so I give it an F, for fuck this movie.


The Tree of Life HAHAHAHAHAHA

War Horse This will be the first of two movies where I think the director has just lost his fastball and is now being nominated based solely on name recognition, the difference being I think that Woody Allen deserves to be nominated on his name and Spielberg needs to take a nice long walk and think about his last few movies and the effect they've had on the world and wonder how long he has been an irrelevant boring old man who can't tell a story anymore. Spielberg directed some of my most favorite movies, and my most favorite movie, and over the last few years really has done nothing anyone should make it a point to see, and this Disney movie is no exception, its an animal movie with a war torn country side spin. It goes for the cheap emotional moves over and over and I mean if this movie was directed by the guy who did the Chronicle of Narnia movies I'm convinced it wouldn't even have been submitted to the academy for consideration.

The Help What a dreadful fucking movie. Its a new Driving Miss Daisy. I don't know, maybe I'm just a miserable bigot but I know when a movie is done well its great, and when its not it just feels like an after school special. I understand there is a plight and all but when you do a movie that relies on the struggle of the race to be the emotional and its just kind of doing what every other movie like it does, with no real exception. So yeah, its no worse than the worst of those movies, but its certainly not better than the best of them. I guess overwrought would be my word to describe this movie. Its Forrest Gump, its saccharine, its just whatever. This is the best movie made for moms and 14 year old girls ever.

Midnight in Paris
I love Woody Allen but if anyone else directed this movie no one would ever have nominated this movie, its no better than Weekend With Marilyn and honestly is just another bad later day Woody Allen movie, and it sucks to say it but whatever, I'm not one of those assholes who thinks he has to make another Manhattan for me to take him seriously but this is the discussion for best picture and this movie does not belong here. Owen Wilson has been slammed by everyone for his job in this movie and no one else makes up for him.

Moneyball I didn't enjoy any other nominated movie like I did Moneyball. I guess I'm just holding it back because it was a baseball movie about 2 characters with out any real conflict and the transition happened in the first 7 minutes of the movie, it was basically like if Ghostbusters started and before the credits ended they had a firehouse and particle accelerators. And there was nothing to wait for really, I guess I'm just scaling it back because I know it wasn't the best movie, and I just absolutely love Brad Pitt and baseball and the book by Michael Lewis on which this is based on.

The Artist I liked this movie a lot, and I remember watching it and thinking, there is no fucking way I'm going to let people call this movie overrated. Then it started to clean up award shows and people are calling it the front runner for the Oscar, and now I have to say it, slow down. It was a gorgeous movie, definitely deserves it for direction and cinematography. The move was an absolute joy to sit through. But it just was that, a great experience to sit through, I am hesitant to call it the best movie because it really wasn't. I don't think it was better than Moneyball or Extremly Loud & Incredibly Close, I just think in 5 years more people will remember this movie as important than those two.


Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Yeah this movie was fucking sad. And not cheap sad like Warhorse, I don't know what Sandra Bullock and this kid did wrong to not get nominations, the movie was basically spent on their shoulders after Hanks left in the beginning and scarce flashbacks through out. I had no idea that Bullock could act, I thought she was marginal in The Blind Side, and I would clearly say this role is significantly better. She dies in this movie but stays on screen alive after her husband is killed, I actually see the grief in her that I see in people I know personally who have had spouses die. The movie around her is terrific, the kid in this movie had the performance that I'm convinced would rocket him into fame like every other kid had after a role like this. This movie was what Pay it Forward thought it was going to be. I've read depth reviews from actual humans who understand movies and they say the cinematography and direction on this movie was not tremendous, but I mean, even if it was as bad as any George Lucas movie, I didn't notice it, but I don't notice that shit.

The Descendants I don't know, I do not believe in this pick like I thought I would when I ranked these over the last week. I just don't want to pick The Artist, and I know Moneyball won't win it was either this and I don't want to pick the movie I saw yesterday in Extremely Close. So yeah heres me pussying out and picking the movie I think had the best script. Can anyone explain to me how the other other maid from The Help got nominated over Clooney's daughter in this movie? I guess it wasn't hard to make this movie beautiful, you could frame a movie anywhere in Hawaii and get either the ocean, a mountain or a sunset and it would look gorgeous. Its like where they shot the movie Shane or The Ox-Bow incident. Just film somewhere gorgeous and people will think you did a tremendous job. I liked this movie a great deal, and the story was brilliant and no one in it did anything less than a very good job. I think Clooney deserves a serious look at for actor and I think Payne deserves the Oscar for screenplay and directing, but I have a loose grip on writing credits and none on directing, I can just figure out when the movie looks like piss, and this movie was the opposite. The directing Oscar should be his for no other reason than him being snubbed for About Schmidt and honestly for Sideways too. Both movies better than the movies that won it (Million Dollar Baby and Chicago)


Eventually I'm going to make my top 10, why did this movie win over these movies list, but I can just spoil it now, Forest Gump, Chicago, Crash, and Braveheart are all paper champs.

best ho

Glenn Close for Albert Nobbs (2011)
What a dreadful fucking movie this was. Stop it. Fuck you for even being here. Considering it didn't get nominated this will be my last time to bash this movie so I am going to take it. To act like anyone in this movie did anything worthy of any nomination is fucking absurd. This movie was so fucking dull, the supporting actress is the one who really went through a tough time, Albert is just an inconspicuous boring fop of a person who cross dressed to get a job. Close was good and all but moping is not a fucking class of acting, this basically was The Man Who Wasn't There except with a gender role spin. I guess this is the academy's nod to the gender issue crisis that some people have, but again, a woman pretending to be a man to be a fucking waiter is seriously more boring than it sounds.


Viola Davis for The Help (2011)
What a dreadful fucking movie this was. Was she even the lead? I though Zombieland girl was. Even so she played one of the two maids... I guess she was the more featured of the maids but... its a shitty movie. She was just the whatever lady in it, its a new Driving Miss Daisy, I don't know, maybe I'm just a miserable bigot but I know when a movie is done well its great, and when its not it just feels like an after school special. I also don't get how she qualifies as a best actress but Berenice Bejo doesn't? Anyone care to explain this to me? Berenice had WAY more screen time in her role and was infinitely better.

Rooney Mara for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) So yeah, She was the best part of this movie, I can't believe how good of an actor Bond 5.0 is and yeah this is where she should be. 3rd, she was great but yeah she was the show. I didn't really like this movie, and I'm not sure I met anyone who did.

Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady (2011) Meryl is the best actor/actress in the world and what sucks is she hasn't won an award since 1983 and has only won 2 awards. Which is mind-boggling considering since her last Oscar she's been nominated 12 times. So yes, I don't know much about Margaret Thatcher, from what I read she does a great job of impersonating her, which is great because the movie is worse than fucking paint drying, at least when paint dries something gets accomplished. I am to understand that Thatcher actually led an interesting life, but you can't tell by this movie, this would be like writing a biopic about J Edgar Hoover and having it be miserably boring and that's almost impossible to do.....fuck. I guess I'm front running with her, but whatever, she's the best in her breed and she deserves to win this Oscar...you know if it wasn't for the future Meryl Streep, Michelle Williams.

Michelle Williams for My Week with Marilyn (2011) For me to start a conversation about what could be the best Actress of the last 5 years and the next 20 years with Dawson's Creek is kind of hilariously disgusting. But I fucking knew she was a great actress since back in the day, and I always wanted to way fuck her over Katie Holmes... I'm even embarrassed for typing that. So lets actually discuss the role and movie she was in for the first time in this entire series of posts. This movie without Michelle Williams would be a fucking piece of shit. I guarantee you people thought this role should've gone to Scarlet Johanson because she looks a fuck ton more like Marilyn Monroe than Michelle Williams, but Kate Upton looks a lot more like Monroe than Williams, but she's a shit actress...and so is Johanson. This is movie is about her, and everything plays off her, there is no one else in this movie you even pay attention to. She deserves the Oscar like any player on a shitty team that carries their team to the playoffs deserves the MVP. Its funny how my two best Actress picks are from two really bland movies. But if someone else was cast as Thatcher I think it would still be boring and dry, but if someone else was cast as Monroe the movie would disintegrate into something no one could take seriously, like a step below that Ashley Judd Monroe movie. This movie would be an unnoticed farce of a production and the credibility it was given by Williams is immeasurable. I saw this movie based solely on her being in it.

best fukken actor.

I'm doing best actor first just because I want to. Ladies on top! Actually I just want to post my love for Meryl Streep and it will take more than a day to write it. Again, Ascending order because I like to detract much more than praise.

Demian Bichir, A Better Life Ok if you are in a fantastic movie you pretty much get nominated, its clockwork. What I don't understand is...this movie was fair to luke warm. I guess this is just the nod to the Hispanic plight in America. And I guess like Crash and Slumdog Millionaire I'm supposed to be uproariously moved by it. Buuuuuuuuuuuut I wasn't. Its a good story about the struggle about. It basically was La Bamba without the fun music and if Richie was played by a 30 year old Edward James Olmos, and the hilariously over the top brother was played by 20 Mexicans with face tattoos.

Jean Dujardin, The Artist meh. I mean... I didn't even know he was really the "lead" for parts of the movie. I'm scared the Academy is going to go this way. He's certainly good in it and I love his mustache but he's just in 4th place for me. Which isn't a travesty. I guess this could be summed up with "yeah".

Brad Pitt, Moneyball Oh Brad. I am not a Brad Pitt detractor, not at all. I think he was great and Seven and Fight Club...jesus I am a 28 year old white man. Ok Ok I thought he was great in A River Runs Through it and Legends of the Fall...jesus I am a 28 year old white woman. Ok whatever, I find him charming in the Ocean's 11 12 13 movies and even in Mr and Mrs Smith, I hate his wife but I can compartmentalize that hate and send it elsewhere with no issue. I will see all of this man's work for the rest of my life and I've forgiven him for ruining Inglorious Basterds for me and I look forward to the movie he's making with the guy who directed Chopper. Having said all that, he does an impression... as a baseball fan I know Billy Beane very well, and its a great impression, but Billy Beane kind of...is Brad Pitt he just throws chairs. Brad is a great actor but he rolled out of bed and just fell into the perfect role. I loved him in this movie and I loved this movie. But it goes in the same category for me as Jamie Fox for Ray and Phillip Seymour Hoffman for Capote. A great impression, except unlike those two roles this guy was basically Brad Pitt anyways.

George Clooney, The Descendants Yeah I over the top swoon for George Clooney, and this is one of his best roles. I know I've said this 100 times so I'll address it here, yes, George Clooney is not stretching hard to play this role, its his normal voice no real accent or whatever but acting is not about convincing people you're of a different nationality otherwise people would consider Dominic Moore to be a good actor. And no one does.

Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy SO I didn't know that Oldman was doing shallow bit roles for the better half of the last decade because he took time off to be a full time dad. I love Oldman, probably the best actor alive, so yes, this is partially a lifetime award from me and yes I'm a miserable uncreative failure for doing so. Oldman played the most complex character and got the most from him. He wins.

Best supporting Actor

No idea why men are put in front of women, I'm a chauvinist pig and I can even admit acting takes just as much from both people and that the best performer of my lifetime is Meryl Streep.


Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn Yeah. I don't entirely get this one. I think that the acting in this movie was so strong that someone else had to be nominated. He was good I guess, not entirely sure if he was played by someone else that...wait this guy isn't even her romantic interest? The older guy in the movie? I thought this guy for some reason was Eddie Redmayne, the fuck is this? Jesus this is a fucking stretch. Is this a lifetime achievement nominee for his role as "Britishy guy"?

Max Von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Yeah I don't know, it was sad and all and I wish it didn't happen but...what are we doing here? Tom Hanks was beyond tremendous for all his fleet time and the kid in the movie was tremendous and he deserves the credit Haley Joel Osmit got and didn't deserve from all the years ago. John Goodman was great for his 40 seconds on film as usual and will probably die as the most unrecognized great actor of all time. I typed all that without mentioning Max Von Sydow because...he was just in this movie and I really have no idea why he was nominated over anyone else in it. It was everyone else's movie at one time or another. He deserves as much credit as the old neighbor guy does in Home Alone. I understand his role in the movie is "support" but really he was kind of just...there. I guess he should win an award for guy who reminds me most of Magneto without the powers. I'm not even sure the trailer should say "starring Max Von German" it should say "also with" or "featuring a timely appearance by"

Jonah Hill, Moneyball I will not be making a Jonah Hill fat to skinny post here, so you're welcome. So... Lucky Charms Jonah Hill has my favorite role in this sect of nominees but I honestly can't give it to him. One because I don't want to see Special K Jonah Hill walk across the stage with his lollipop body. And two, he didn't really act. He kind of was just Jonah Hill except with more dryer humor and sincerity with out the one-liners, that I completely loved. I like Jonah Hill. I think he is a good actor. But to say he transformed or delivered this movie in any way different he did anything that was in Cyrus or even Funny People (two movies I really liked) is a stretch. He basically should get credit for his dynamics the way Steven Segal gets credit for his. Steven Segal by the way now is completely out of breath in all his movies, he is winded from just walking and talking, or the production is so low they don't mic him or the scene properly, I shouldn't hear an actor breathe in during an establishing shot. Also all he does now is just take on hordes of unarmed men with karate chops to their necks. Pull the fucking trigger you piss henchmen.

Nick Nolte, Warrior
I thought this was a disney movie, when people took the fighter so seriously last year I saw the preview for this and wanted to eat the floor. But I have to say this was the most surprising movie I saw this year and to me the fulcrum of the movie was Nick Nolte. He was completely believable to the point where I forgot I was watching a movie with Nick Nolte, and to me out of everyone nominated he was the most recognizable. I didn't really fall in love with this movie, but I did Nolte. I hated the idea of this movie(veteran turns underdog mma fighter vs surprise his brother another underdog) and I ended up enjoying it. in my life had this movie come out in 2011 or 2009 I'd say he deserves to win it.

but...
Christopher Plummer, Beginners Ok now I really liked this movie. It was a clever movie about a man dealing with his father coming out of the closet to him and that reminds me of...every other movie like this. However unlike those movies this one also had an element of mortality because the father was dying. So it also was like every movie like that. So it was a clever hybrid movie and Christopher Plummer somehow was as good if not better than Ewan McGregor(lead)a man I consider to be a fine actor. It was a very enjoyable movie and in all honesty Plummer was my favorite part of this movie. McGregor by the way could be Hollywoods most forgotten gem, no idea why he fell out of the top tier of actors in the world. He's been great in just about everything he has been in and I swear if this is because of the fucking Star Wars shit movies I will cry blood. However reading his bio on IMDB him being ranked #36 in Empire (UK) magazine's "The Top 100 Movie Stars of All Time" is a bit over the top. Even for me. And I agree completely with this.