Horror Business 1! 2!

To me the horror genre has kind of been in neutral for a while revving its engine that pale douche bags with the video game and message board depleted social skills of mr Bean insist is a 552 big block but really is a golf cart engine. Now its funny for me to call out fan boys when I collect comics and play fantasy sports and would rather watch Hong Kong action movies than have the burden of fucking a girl present itself. But I don't really fall into any fan boy columns, not that I'm an individual. I'm just too afraid of commitment. Art house movies are too pretentious, comic book movies are always letdowns, anime movies are for children who hate their genitals horror movies are all over-hyped piles of garbage. I'm shocked these movies still make money. If I wasn't already disgusted with the American public and teenagers I'd be really upset with this.

When it comes to horror I like the psychological ones like The Shining and The Thing. So right away I've pretty much just said "I like thrillers" but lets just say they're horror movies just to give horror a fighting chance(don't worry if this is a stretch for you later I'm gonna include Predator) The problem is those movies are almost 30 years old and aside from some intentionally campy movies I've pretty much thought horror as a genre is the biggest failure ever. I loved Shawn of the Dead like everyone else did, actually I've never even seen it. But I'm trying to say I have some appreciation for it I guess. But I really don't because I can't bring myself to watch it. So what am I even typing. "I like the idea of Shawn of the Dead"? I really liked the Evil Dead trilogy and in all honesty thats about as serious as i could take a horror movie thats been made since the early 1980s.


Its always a cheap to say "My favorite horror movies were the Evil Dead" but I do it for a different reason, I say it because I've liked maybe 5 non-Evil Dead horror movies in the last 30 years. No one cares about obscure movies from the 50s and 60s so go fucking call rob zombie and dig fucken ditches and burn through witches with him because no one gives a shit about Zombi with an I and if you do your so fucking full of shit and Bad Boys 2 is better than any of those obscure pieces of shit so go fuck yourself and listen to afi and cosplay with a fat girl.

I have a couple friends really into horror movies and they have to do one of several excuses for the movies before I see them. They always have the same arguments for the gigantic vast chasm of substance in the horror genre. "Japan still makes good horror movies". And right away you're already excusing and needing help from elsewhere to bail out the sinking ship. Its like buying a Toyota and still insisting American Cars deserve a chance. And this will sound like a shitty thing to say but to me at least suspense can't build when I'm reading dialogue at the bottom of a screen, maybe thats why the twist in Old Boy surprised me so much, because I was so disconnected with the plot that when it finally happened I was like "MY LIFE WAS A LIE!!!"

Also with the advent 3d I'm convinced I'll never like a horror movie again. I liked Piranha 3d obviously, but there was a reason. It was a comedy movie, I just don't think a movie with strong 3d ties can ever EVER be taken seriously. Its just impossible for me to suspend disbelief, invest myself in the characters and let the movie rest its delicious balls on my face nothing can take me out of it than ooooh look the shovel is coming at you!!! Its like going to see an opera and the singer mentioning the hometown team. If I saw Luciano Pavorati at the Boston opera house and he yells "GO SOX YANKEES SUCK" I'd be in my car before the next song starts. When a movie plays itself up for the sake of doing it in 3d its just as cheap and stupid and then I sit there thinking "these people are actors" and "this movie sucks dick".

Ok I have a couple plans to rebuild the genre, and it will be a rebuilding process. We have to blow the whole thing up, retire all old characters and ideas and grow together. Now who better to fix a failing franchise than someone who doesn't have the nostalgia problems and won't think "oh but the Saw franchise started out so promising" or "Eli Roth is so likable". So yeah next post will be my first idea out of 3 or 4 to save whats left of this shitfest.

Jurrasic Park 4 pt1 of too many

So its time for me to take something back from Hollywood that its always owed us. People talk about Lucas and Spielberg like they are animals for ruining Star Wars and Indiana Jones and whatever else, not like there was much to ruin about Star Wars, they were a stupid movie for kids made to sell toys with borrowed premises that you've seen 100 times before and they've stayed that way. But to me the biggest sin Spielberg did besides what happened to Jaws after he didn't do the sequels or more over not allow them to be made in the first place was what happened to Jurassic Park. He had a great idea, dinosaurs on earth today and only made one and .25 good movies out of it.

clever girl


So ever since 8th grade or so I've thought about Jurassic Park 2, then eventually 3, then now 4. While other students were talking about various girls and their pussies or whatever guys talk about I was dreaming about Deinonychus and how they compare to Velociraptors. What if there was a D vs V brawl? Who would win? And of course that's a stupid question because Velociraptors are like 2/3rds the size of Deinonychus. What about Allosaurus?!? What about Dinosaur vs Dinosaur fights. And of course in 2005 with the discovery of Mapusaurus and the previous Giganotosaurus. Two Carnivores bigger than the t-rex. And of course the Spinosaurus showed up in JP3 but who even gave a shit at that point? And further more how would anyone explain that a dinosaur was made by InGen that was never accounted for or discussed in either movie before and oh by the way its bigger than a t-rex. To write this story you have to fight the inner dino-demand to be a total dino-geek adding in all sorts of dinosaurs from various eras and then have InGen have no idea they would be there. How were people shocked by a 40 foot tall carnivore? How do people "forget" about the most powerful animal on earth? It snapped the fucking t-rex's neck for fuck sake.



A paleontologist said that "tyrannosaurs are likely to have been scavengers and rarely would hunt and kill where Spinosaurus were the great hunters of the era thousands of miles west of the tyrannosaurs and likely never ran into each other" he'd go on to say that Santa Clause wasn't real and your parents like to fuck each other. What a fucking buzzkill to read that, so like any good movie, I'm going to ignore science.

Obviously I have the whole movie planned out with actors and actresses with an evolving cast since I've been a kid. The female lead started out as Nee Campbell and worked its way up past stints as Rose Mcgowan and whatever other big titted brunet i fell in love with for a short period of time that no one has seen in 3 years. Now I'm not gonna make Gummo with dinosaurs so i played for conventional movie Hero, Woman(who doesn't need saving all the time but reluctantly needs the hero), Evil dude, other good guys, other bad guys, people you don't get to know and will just eventually die. I'll get into casting in the next post, then eventually story line.

Would it be rude of me to mail hugh jackman a running lawnmower hat and hope he puts it on

Jwow haiku. Clothing line will fail. All you do is lay in bed. more pauly, less you

Public Enemies. Almost a great movie.

Is Public Enemies the biggest collection of a wasted opportunity ever? Think about it. What could be one of the better time piece re-interpretations. 1920s America was kicking. Prohibition, bootlegging, automatic weapons, corruption, what my racist uncle called "the good ol' days" add to that a bank robber lead character avoiding the cops with shootouts and getaways, he's banging broads giving money back, being loved and feared. Then you have the struggle of the lawman trying to arrest this guy while his life is tattered and the pressure from an iconic figure like J. Edgar Hoover. This time line touches on what could be the only time America was interesting with what could have been its last great outlaw.

Ok key to any movie ever leading actor. Johnny Depp. Bang! A 10/10 casting job for a charismatic anti-hero bank robber cultural phenomenon on the lamb. Beyond handsome almost to a devastating amount. Beyond likable. If it wouldn't make me throw up on myself I'd say he could be today's Luke Jackson. I'm not passionately in love with Depp as an actor but i do enjoy him as a movie star and it pains me to see that he made a movie with Jolie and its coming out this winter, you'll never guess it but she is playing a spy or something, really mixing it up for her. its about time Angelina Jolie played a role where she can hide any sort of depth in her character and keep it under the guise of "mysterious" when in all actuality we are dealing with a case of a dull fucking gorgon. She is like 48 now can't she let someone else be a spy? Her uterus is about to die and she is supposed to be seducing Johnny Depp?

So you have an immensely likable main character so what better to get with that then an unlikable frozen upset and miserable law man who at times seems over his head and wrought with pressure and a crumbling personal life and who better to cast for this than anyone but Christian Bale. Ok fine Christian Bale could work, the movie will be 70% focused on Depp anyways so Bale despite what i would call a limited skill set. Now clearly I'm not sold on Bale as an actor, I believe he could be the most overrated actor currently making major movies. Which is actually the proper use of overrated and not just a saying. Lots of people call Vin Diesel overrated but when no one rates him highly what is the fucking point? He can't be widely known as shit and still be overrated. Anyone could fall into his roles and no one would notice. Batman Begins does not get axed if Bale doesn't sign, in fact it probably would have been better with out him. I'll get into how thoroughly replaceable Bale is in movies in a post in November or so but in a big surprise no one would give a fuck if he died and the only great thing he's ever done was punish a director of photography over his unprofessionalism in a movie about a robot revolution in the future where he sends a guy to go into the past to cream pie his mom.

Ok two strong actors to play cop and robber. Now to add a director, and here is where i give the most slices of pizza to on the fail pie. With a movie like this you need a sure thing director who has made massively successful movies before. So when they put this in Michael Mann's hands I think the producers dropped the ball. But maybe it wasn't his fault. Michael Mann, ok, not Fellini, not Eastwood but this isn't supposed to be a piece of art. Its supposed to be a great GREAT movie movie. Think Shawshank Redemption. Movie movie seems like a term that I know exists but I absolutely can't prove means anything to anyone but myself at this moment, but I'm sure you guys can follow this.

Anyways a movie with a great setting and cast of characters is absolutely a movie that Michael Mann is very capable to turn into something fantastic. Last of the Mohicans The Insider and Heat are perfect examples of how this movie could have gone. The Insider being in a distant 3rd place but is a good movie, but when compared to two titans it clearly takes the bronze. Heat is one of the best crime dramas of all time and The Last of the Mohicans to me gave birth to several awesome things
1. the career of Daniel Day Lewis
2. war movies set in precolonial times from non-European viewpoints
3. Madeline Stowe's cheekbones.




Now many of you smell the pending backlash against Mann and deservingly so. If you look at Mann's filmography it has a lot of movies that should have been better than they were. He could very well be the king of "eh" The Kingdom, Collateral, Public Enemies, Miami Vice, Ali are some of the biggest let downs of my life. Even Hancock should have been better then it was and it should have sucked, he somehow skewed lower than suck. Michael Mann has taken some of the best movie premises in recent memory and directed them into being average flat forgettable flops of shit.

On top of poor directing instincts he has attached himself to some miserable failures of projects that could have killed anyone's career and even the best of creative teams behind the scenes couldn't rescue, and was a no win scenario for the actors in the roles and in Orlando Bloom's case destroyed their career. The Kingdom is one of the more ponderous movies of all time. Orlando Bloom fresh off of LOTR heat, which was a pile of shit movies but people liked them so whatever i file it under Forrest Gump as a movie i didn't like but people did so i don't know what to say about them other than "you're wrong you asshole it sucked". To me when people tell me that Forest Gump was a great movie I think that if they were in the live freestyle between Biggy and Tupac they'd cheer the loudest for the 10 year old kid Syheim(like every single fucking person in the crowd and since I heard that i realized I'll never respect the opinion of the masses because they're fucking fools).

Anyways we were talking about the death of Orlando Bloom, Bloom was the Luke Perry of the LOTR movies, the heart throb hero that stole the screen from the main character whilst winning over the tweens. When you get tweens behind you there's no excuse for a failure, and The Kingdom raced past failure on a jet ski that ran on bad ideas. A Braveheart/Gladiator like war movie that was light on the combat more on the sitting around between battles and also had the heavy handed message that Christianity stomps infidels, which to me was off putting. I mean I hate fundamental Islamics more than some people are comfortable saying but the whole movie was glorifying the crusades which is fucking insane to even watch, it'd be like the kid from Twilight going on to be the sympathetic lead in a movie about a Spanish inquisition-er who is in love with a girl and thinks about her longingly while he burns a child's face because they didn't pray correctly. I hate when people use the term of "too long" to dismiss a movie because they could just watch a sitcom if they wanted in and out. But this movie really dragged on with a lot of inconsequential scenes that had nothing to do with anything.

By the way we were talking about Michael Mann in his role as director/producer of Public Enemies, now i realize I got off on a tirade about how Mann crushed an actors career and it didn't really have anything to do with the point of this entry and it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with Public Enemies...so lets do it again.

Mann also directed Miami Vice which completely killed Colin Farrel's career. Colin was everywhere and his snarky rebel attitude was the new good looking Hollywood rebel. Then out came Miami Vice, a movie about drugs in Miami, with out knowing it made the unfun version of Bad Boys. Straight down to the "lets have the villain do something brutal in the first 10 minutes so we all know that he is a dick and lets have the cops do something selfless with a hint of cool so they are spoon fed into everyone's mouth as likable" Vice was such a fucking meh movie IMDB probably doesn't have a 1-10 rating for it because no one could sit through it. Foxx and Farrell were so big at the time it was like Michael Jordan and Mike Tyson creating a sport together, so many people loved them whatever came out would've been a hit. Mann somehow figured out how to make a cop buddy movie into such a boring 2 hour + shitfest that I honestly have no idea how it ended or what the plot really was other than coke in Miami, if Miami Vice was a band they would be Converge. Yes I know I saw and heard something, but to be honest i couldn't tell you what it was and what it meant to anyone other than it sucked. Miami Vice was so bad I'm convinced Colin Farrell is still at the premier somewhere staring at the screen wondering what the fuck just happened. Daredevil did more for Farrell's career. Farrell's sex tape left people feeling better and more fulfilled than Miami Vice did, and it probably made more money and was less embarrassing for Farrell's parents to see.

On top of Miami Vice Mann somehow was allowed to ruin a movie about the life of Muhammad Ali. M.A. could have been Black Elvis if Kool Keith didn't already take that title. I don't need to explain what M.A. meant to America and its culture but i can say that the movie Ali almost erased it. Ali could have ended Will Smith's career. Luckily however it didn't, which is good because despite Will being a Scientologist Will is incredibly likable human and i believe a talented actor. It was nice to see him escape a death sentence like Ali and I'm glad his career was not ruined, that was saved for Hancock, yet another Michael Mann movie. Ali was a colossal let down for a movie that was supposed to be "the biopic to end all biopics" in a movie where Will Smith was actually strong in too. It was just a boring dry movie, another "Mannsterpiece". Mann could be a very good cinematographer but he is just that. He can make movies look good but not be interesting, he's every girl i want to fuck. A total unending bore with no ability to keep your interest but yet has tits so I'll still sit through their horse shit

Anyways back to Public Enemies and lets look deeper into the cast, I guess. Who gives a shit at this point but fuck it I wanna type things. Public Enemies was such a let down even the rap group Public Enemy deserved a backlash for it.

I'd like to get back to the elements of this movie namely the cast. So in the words of a pedo-uncle "lets do some role play".

So you are a non-headlining second or third tier actor in Hollywood and you are pitched "Dillinger's death played by Depp with Bale and the director of Heat" now on paper that has a chance to win Oscars and become a part of America's culture for years, the problem is these actors(a lot who pick their roles carefully) didn't really think about what that meant. It attracted a pile of good actors to play supporting roles in parts they were too good for. Giovanni Ribisi who once had a great career so good that I'm shocked Michael Mann didn't try to kill it earlier. Billy Crudup who's last name sounds like a frog said it and who's dick is gigantic and blue and every girl I'll ever date would throw me into a volcano to make out with him. Even Stephen Dorff came out of his cave for this movie. Fucking Stephen Dorff!!! He's still alive!!! Blade didn't kill him! I thought this guy was going to be the next Christian Slater.... well it turns out he kinda was. Here for a second everything is going gooWHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO? I checked Dorff's filmography to see if I could place when he went away and it was either "Cecil B Demented" or "feardotcom" i can't believe one man could have those two movies in common. its like being involved in both 9/11 and........feardotcom. Feardotcom, the movie about a website that when you go to it you get killed. A website, that kills you. A....fucking.....website.......Tom Hanks could have made feardotcom after Gump Saving Private Ryan Philadelphia Apollo 13 Toy Story and A League of Their Own and it still would've destroyed him in the eyes of viewers, more than Castaway did.

Sorry back to the cast. My boy Lucas from Empire Records had a small role as a fed, and maybe expecting more from him was fruitless and i shouldn't have thought Mann could've gotten more from him. I guess he'll never be Lucas again but its not like Jack was ever McMurphy again and YES I AM COMPARING THE TWO. Moving back to the top again the film had a nice collection of two actresses who fit in perfectly, one was at her peak of popularity in fresh off an Oscar win for best actress Marion Cotillard, or as I know her, foreign attractive Maggie Gyllenhaal, and as everyone will know her "that girl who won an Oscar made shit movies and went away" IE: Halle Berry.
had to post something here with tits.

Cotillard however did a good job of acting but at times she kind of stole the story and this will sound sexist but a top tier leading lady tends to take away from a movie's chemistry, it stops being there's Dillinger and his broad lady and it becomes, oh look its Depp and Cameron Diaz or Depp and troglodyte Angelina Jolie. A strong leading lady tends to take some of the story and focus away from the leading man and it almost forces the movie to take into account other people's point of view that the movie didn't need. This works in a lot of movies and in some cases it sabotages the movie from the inside. But luckily in Public Enemies Mann was able to over saturate the story line taking into account both of the women's perspectives on top of 2 criminals and 2 cops. Its amazing when a dull drawn out movie can still manage to be a unsettled clusterfuck like this. Then the movie about Dillinger stops and it becomes another thing you have to sit through before they mercifully roll credits.

Casting
Continued.

They also went slumming and got a popular actor amongst the kids in Channing Tatum and in an upset Channing kept up his unthinkable streak of being in movies less and less interesting than "Step up" if I was a producer in L.A. and wanted to know if a movie would be good or not I'd call up Channing Tatum and if he says "Yeah sounds great" I'd throw the script out of my fucking window and fire whoever handed it to me and 3 people with similar names just to be safe.

In an odd turn of events one of my favorite fighters of all time Don Frye is in this movie complete with his mustache and horrendous eyebrows, its fun taunting a man like Frye from behind a keyboard as he'd punch me in the chest and my heart would explode like the death star.


also if you ever wanna see the best fight of all time


At this point you can tell I'm getting lazy with the casting but as a final statement about how stacked this movie was and how good the final product COULD habe been this guy guy who has the scariest fucking imdb photo ever was in it.

To sum up all the ingredients of this shit chili. A great story of one of America's most infamous human beings who has been both vilified and glorified by historians for years but was always regarded as fascinating and to go with a great story plot climax and ending an amazing cast of popular notoriety and skilled actors who for the most part were all peaking at the point of this movies release. A strong visual director who like every other director who released great movies had some shitty ones, but still absolutely had it in him to release a great movie. and with a great story you could take a visual director to really make the movie a masterpiece. Everything was going perfect for this. You had story and cast all you needed was to mix it together correctly and you have a delicious pile of fun. Instead it was slapdashed thrown together with no empathy for the audience. This is two movies in a row where I am accusing the writers producers and directors of going out of their way to punish the audience and i stand by my silly claim.

They had an audience a great cast a great story and they fucking threw it all away.

This movie is by no means an awful piece of shit like Salt. But it really really wasn't good, and especially compared to everyone's expectations it was a piece of fucking shit. Its just like 4 out of the 7 movies Mann has directed since 1992. Its a C movie with all the ingredients to have made an A movie. Its like a super group, This movie was the 03-04 Los Angeles Lakers, a finished product that was never the equal of its collected parts. Kobe Shaq both in their primes, Karl Malone, Gary Payton still very functionable and talented, Derek Fisher, Rick Fox off the bench. Phil Jackson coaching, it should have been automatic championship, but they discovered that paper wins you nothing. Just like this movie gave everyone nothing. This movie was so dry and dull it hurt. It wasn't even like a "that looks good" conversation before the movie started. It was a fuck whatever movie we just saw lets talk about how great that movie is going to be discussion that took place afterward.

This SHOULD have been a monster hit, but it just wasn't it was a fucking flop. i don't care what it did in the box office money wise and whether it supports or disproves my argument. I don't care how many people saw this movie or rented it the movie was just a bust. I guarantee no one ever watched the director commentary of this movie and was impressed, unless Mann says things like "here is when I said fuck the viewers i want an 7th shot of a sun setting for 40 seconds".

It should have been one of those movies that people acknowledge for years. It should have been as good or better than Once Upon a Time in America. See!!! Thats how highly I thought of what this movie could have been! I look at this movies trailer and I still think it could be good. Thats when you know you have been betrayed, when even after the incident you look back at it like, nah wait this could still work. Give it a shot!! In the trailer there's this really well shot iconic glimpse of Dillinger jumping over a counter with his Thompson and his overcoat is in the air like he was a superhero. And I'll always think about seeing that in a preview thinking, wow this movie is going to be phenomenal. He might as well have jumped over the counter into a fucking shark tank.

taunting animals part 3

Guys I'm worried. Its been about 3 years since I or anyone has seen Josh Hartnett. Is he ok? If you see him will you please tell him I'm worried sick!

Veruca Re-Salt

Salt. Again.
I tend to obsess on a movie or an idea for a week so bear with me on this one. And for those of you who are rolling their eyes fuck you. This movie was packaged as a smart thinking thriller action movie and its fucking clown shoes stupid. It is build a ramp stupid.

Moving along at a snails pace the worst part to Salt in retrospect other than the name of the movie, the marketing campaign, the bad story line that was basically stolen from Bourne Identity then slapchopped into a shit salsa, the casting of nobodies, her stale acting on top of her refusal to get naked, the complete lack of a twist in a twist ending and the shitty typical cliffhanger ending for the "just in case its a hit we can pump out sequels" Hollywood. THE WORST PART is the lack of respect and foresight for the people they were writing this movie for.

The ideal conditions by the writers would be to have the audience be questioning "What side is she on?" "Why kill the president?" "Was he in on it" "is she a body double?" "is her husband behind this?". The idea is to have the audience guessing and pondering the inevitable twist. But no. Everyone is sitting in the audience is just shifting in their seats thinking "oh god to what length of fucking bullshit will they go to explain this?" "Just get to her being a good guy again" "that president better not just suddenly not be dead later in the movie" "why haven't I seen her fucking tits yet?"

cool shirt dick, now GTFO

That blinding lack of understanding for the audience is the part of the movie where we are supposed to believe that she's actually Russian spy doing harm to America, killing the Russian President, knocking off CIA agents, plotting to kill the President of the USA. The fact the writers talked about doing this, said yes, spent days(or as i assume 45 minutes) hashing out the details of it and never asked: "Don't you think the audience will know they didn't pay 10$ to see a movie where Angelina Jolie actually is a Russian spy who kills people? Won't they know she's just acting like she is to get in deeper with the villains so she can foil it at the very top?" "Don't you think its a bit much for her to watch her husband get shot right in front of her and have a poker face over it?"(that actually happens she watches the guy she is in love with and is on run from the CIA to rescue get capped and then acts like it doesn't bother her. Brains on the wall, and she looks like she just ordered a sandwich from Panera all to keep her cover. She Forrest Gump faces it like oh well no used crying over spilt brain containing membrane and fucking fluid.)

What type of a movie would we be watching then? Besides an original movie that actually did something different. Then again it'd be hard to market a hero to America that kills the President of America....well maybe 12 years ago it would've been not so much now or with Bush but whatever. We would be watching a fucking disaster. It would be too controversial for theaters, at least with an A list talent in it. If some straight to dvd movie starring Amy Smart or Mena Suvari (holy shit remember her?) did this no one would care. When a legitimate star(WHY IS SHE A LEGITIMATE STAR)does something like this its huge. Demi Moore shaved her head and it was apparently so big the Mayans saw it coming.

When you get the entire audience to groan in misery at what you think is a great story arch you're writing a bad movie. The levees have broke and the audience is drowning in your cum. Your story has a million fucking holes in it and your movie stopped being a movie and became a visual chore. When the entire audience knows where the story is going you don't have a movie anymore. When the entire fucking audience is just counting the minutes hoping to see your hero's tits you've lost them. When you lose the entire fucking audience at the end of a movie its just a stupid movie with a bad ending, like Cast Away or Identity or Law Abiding Citizen (I'll get into that soon). Then its forgivable. But to lose your audience 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie and you know they're watching for another hour its fucking selfish and its shitty its something a conniving sociopath does when they aren't in control of themselves and can't help but to spread their shit all over everyone's Panera sandwich I'm hungry. Like when Valerie fucked her step-dad THE NIGHT BEFORE HIS AND HER MOM'S WEDDING just to do it. Its that bad, except i fucking bet the writer doesn't look anything like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen so its forgivable because you'd throw your mom into an alligator tank just to wash her dishes. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen by the way is much better looking than stupid Angelina Jolie AND even just with 90210, Saved by the Bell and Son in Law eclipsed Angelina Jolie's entire fucking body of work. There is nothing about Jolie that is superior in any way outside of lips current husband and hype that beats T-A T.

its upsetting it even gets discussed.

To lose yourself 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie just because the writers are lazy is like going for a walk with an elderly man up a mountain and back down it again. It wouldn't be so bad at first. You go your pace and he goes his. You run up the mountain while he walks slowly then you run down passing him while he's about half way up saying hello and being courteous. But then you get to the bottom and you realize he has the car keys. So you sit there hating the old man for going so slow and hating yourself for going fast. You sit there blaming yourself for not being stupid enough for Salt.

So salt expects people to wait the 40 minutes it takes to get to the finish we all know its coming. Its like when the Macho Man Randy Savage was a good guy. We all know with Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior as good guys that the bad guys needed a big name especially with an Aging Andre the Giant.(personally I think a young Rick Rude and Curt Henning with the pending addition of Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon could've handled the work load as bad guys but were so buried by Hogan at the time that they never got their shot.) We all know you're a bad guy Randy, so just be a fucking bad guy. Except in Salt's case its in reverse. This movie's story is so fucking bad and plaid out its subject to 1987 WWF comparisons. Except they don't have the Elizabeth Jake the Snake Roberts/Undertaker story to get you to like Macho Man first. There is no Summerslam Wedding with Salt, there is no Mega-Power (savage and Hogan) tag team with Salt. There is no Intercontinental Title Feud against Steamboat or Tito Santana with Salt. Theres just fuck you I'm here, I'm not, fooled you guys I'm here. Its a shitty practical joke by someone who isn't funny.

mom and dad

In this movie you're introduced to salt and 8 seconds later she's a villain? Is she? Its not like hey everybody I'd like you to meet Macho Man Randy Savage, he is now your friend and then BANG 2 seconds later he's teaming with Zeus to take on The Mega-Maniacs (Brutus and Hogan) and is a total villain now AREN'T YOU SHOCKED? At first you got used to him as being a good guy, for years he was a good guy, it was over fucking time where the story line built. He and Hogan were giving each other odd looks backstage and then it of course boiled over into the great Elizabeth conflict between he and Hogan. Now obviously Savage started out as a dick being mean to Elizabeth and whatever but obviously we skip ahead to when him and Hogan were teaming up together to take on Mega-Bucks(Million-Dollar Man Ted Dibiase and Andre the Giant)

Just wanted an excuse to post this picture.



This was Savage's peak and there is no fucking denying that and I'm disgusted any of you would say otherwise. To fucking sit around and waste time talking about pre-87 Macho Man is like talking about George Clooney before E.R Cam Neely before he was traded to the Bruins or Sasha Grey before Share My Cock 4, its a waste of time and no one discusses it.


You guys aren't gonna believe this but I found another better looking person who has a more respectable career than Angelina Jolie.



So in the movie i guess you're supposed to be in suspension of disbelief mode, like you are in any other movie but in all honesty I don't know this pig(back to Salt again sorry for the confusion this review is about Salt). She could be a Russian or an American loyalist what do I know? I don't know anything about this woman or her past you introduced me to her as "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" so at the end of the movie when she is "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" I kind of feel like i just got milked for no reason other than someone's sporadic idea to be a fucking dickhead. Its not a growth story when the person ends up exactly the same on the other side, its just an opening paragraph, here is Macho Man and sure enough 90 minutes later here is the same Macho Man. This is like meeting your friend's roommate's girlfriend. And then suddenly discovering she is a racist and then the big reveal that she isn't. Is it shocking? A little? barely? kinda? I mean you're facebook friends with her MAYBE at most. You don't know her last name or what her parents look like but you know what town she is from and maybe what she drives or a loose background about her job if it was in your field at all because if it isn't interesting to any degree you block it out. Is that shocking? An iota, but not as much as when you see a swastika tattoo on your moms chest when you walk in on her in the shower. What's insulting is when you know your friend's roommate's girlfriend isn't racist but she insists you don't know that and carries on like she is. Then later does a TADA and tells you she isn't racist and she's only pretending to be (shut up the analogy works).

So there you are. Over your friends apartment listening to some douche bag in a college sweatshirt she might have gone to that you don't know and could die tonight for all you care; Yell about the Jews when you know she doesn't mean it. Or your mom burns crosses in your neighbor's yard or drags their children behind her minivan. Oh plus you've seen your mom's tits. Unlike Angelina fucking Jolie in this movie.

Why do I lie to people and say I've seen Memento? I know the plot and ending, I have no interest in seeing it. Twist movies are so fucking disco at this point.

taunting animals part 2

In-salt to injury

Salt is so bad.
Its so bad I'm about to type a fucking thesis paper about it to hand it over to nobody to read it.


We will revisit Salt as a movie obviously but lets just skip to the hilarity that this movie was even made to begin with and the preconceived notions going into this movie that there is something special about Angelina Jolie.

put your tits away mom

Her personal life is of no concern to me because I'm not a housewife and I don't care about celebrities lives outside of what they do on tv. So I won't get into it but more importantly lets talk about her looks. Now its a given I as any man would have awful sex with her. I would line up to be the worst lay of her life. Having said that, her face, her gibbony face. I don't find her to be the end all be all of attractive female actress and maybe that means something in this discussion as i trash her as an actress but whatever its my shit blog. That being said her tattoos are hilarious and belong on a stripper with a c-scar.


Moving on to her as a celebrity. Who decided she was cool and should be looked up to? What makes her socially acceptable over Kate Hudson or Jennifer Garner? No one looks up to shitty action movie women and thinks they are a staple of modern society yet this slob has transcended from trashy slut who fucked Slingblade in a limo to Mrs. America. To address her place in this world i have to bring up the movie Salt so with out getting into it lets just explain the type of movie it is.


Salt is a piece of unrelenting recycled horseshit from bad James Bond movies. What's upsetting is this is not a movie an A lister makes unless they're known for it.(Schwarzenegger Stallone action types are the only forgivable ones this movie would end Will Smith's career) This movie was a rough draft of Bourne Identity before it was reworked to make it "less wet thai food shit" This would be a movie Kate Beckinsale made as a final goodbye to her career like Excess Baggage was to Alicia Silverstone. Now lets really think about this, why is Kate Beckinsale on a lower level than Jolie? Other than Jolie fucking Brad Pitt(which I'm sure Beckinsale has done) there is nothing better or maybe even as impressive on Jolie's career as Beckinsale's. Theron got ugly and got nominated so Jolie did it several times, and was laughed at.

You can't look at Kate Beckinsale and say she is less attractive Angelina Jolie to the point where she should be that far behind her on the cultural relevance scale and you ABSOLUTELY can't say

That being said if my attractive ranking system equated fame Gina Gershon would be on our currency.

would ptf


Jolie's career has been filled with popcorn movies with no challenging acting or massive massive fucking bombs. To save time I'm only going to get into movies she is listed as the top billed/co billed person in.


Changeling (Clint's worst movie hands down)
Salt (awful)
Mr and Mrs Smith (charming)
Wanted (awful)
Tomb Raider 1 (awful)
Tomb Raider 2 (awful 2)
Add to this list of tragedy supporting roles in:
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (awful)
Gone in 60 Seconds (awful)
Alexander (one of the biggest letdowns in cinematic history and crowned the end of both Oliver Stone and Colin Farell's Career)
Taking Lives(awful)

You're going to tell me that collection of absolute shit is better than Underworld 1 and 2, Pear Harbor, The Aviatar (co supporting actress), Serendipity and Van Helsing? Beckinsale has been in just as many miserable movies as Jolie. She's just been in less of them. The two of these women use their career like a paintbrush of diarrhea. I find Beckinsale 10xs more attractive and forgiving as a human being. Jolie's hype is Jolie's life. Jolie is the female version of Nicolas Cage, its just that Cage doesn't have a strong audience of men who want to fuck him.

Ok back to this miserable piece of shit of a movie.

Salt has physics and action sequences so super human it should be a transporter or x-men movie. Kung-Fu Hustle(awesome movie) has more believable action scenes , including the one where the man is killed by music notes turning into swords. Salt is so bad Milla Jovovich should have played Salt if it was Salt vs zombies giving way to the tag line of zombies = slugs to kill them just add SALT. Michelle Rodriguez should've played Salt if Salt hated men was from a hardened neighborhood and had a background of being a tomboy(dyke). Jean Claude Van Damme should have played Salt if the goal was to peak on the USA network at 2am on a Saturday. Jason Sthatham should have played Salt if the movie had 2 more car chases and my interest.If this was 1994 Geena Davis would have played Salt. Salt's script is so bad I think it would be a reworked sequel for Pamela Anderson's BarbWire. Jennifer Love Hewitt should have played Salt and Brandy should have played her counterpart and vice squad partner Pepper. Salt isn't a 70 million dollar movie with Angelina Jolie it should have been a really deep plot line for the movie Alias. Salt's story is so bad that it could have been a sequel to Ultra Violet, Catwoman or an episode of House after season 4. The script to Salt was so bad that Salt from Salt n' Peppa should've turned it down. This movie was so bad Morgan Freeman should've played the President.

The turns in Salt story line require a bigger suspension of belief and reason than a Scientology pitch. I'd need a fucking jet pack to make these leaps of faith. It features a man able to con his way all the way to CIA director. A man in place to kill the president and set off warheads. To review, a spy, all the way to the President's right hand man/lead intelligence guy. She uses spider venom to fake kill someone. Oh yeah she fucks a Spiderist in this movie. Eat a bowl of fuck and think about that, a CIA operative spy who has killed dozens upon dozens of people is fucking an Entomologist, and his job later factors into the movie. This movie made Wanted look like it was done by Fellini. A curved bullet would've made more sense than her fake assassination. Thats right, fake assassination, of a Russian President and then the disappearing reappearing ink like revelation within the fake assassination, in which she convinced that she killed the president of Russia but only put him into a coma with her spider venom, I'm not kidding, a whole team of doctors and CIA agents were fooled by a lil' venom.

She, Salt, later then allows herself to be captured. Much like the first villain in the movie walks into CIA headquarters allowing himself to be captured all the while knowing he had a way of escaping. Stabbing people with his shoe knife and running out the front door of the CIA headquarters. The CIA takes a hit in this movie, being fooled multiple times by its own operative and allowing its headquarters to allow 2 people to escape the premises roughly 10 minutes from each other.

Also, its 2010, WHY ARE WE STILL MAKING MOVIES ABOUT FUCKING RUSSIAN SPIES? The cold war has BEEN done. We are now at war with an entirely different type of people now and for the last 5 years there have maybe been 10 fictional movies with Middle Easterns as enemies. The last over the top action movie with a Arab villain was fucking True Lies.


There's a part in the movie where she sneaks into the White House dressed as a man. Its so incredibly unconvincing. She looks like a combination of the following




Prince from the Dirty Mind album cover


Ralph Macchio as Johnny from the Outsiders

One of the guys


Labamba


C Thomas Howell as soul man.


George from Otto and George.


By now the movie is fucking lost so I'm completely rooting for her to die especially after watching a guy rush at the president shooting at him while she did nothing but watch. At this point in the movie you don't know she fake killed the Russian President so in your head you're thinking "is she a bad guy?" but you're not because you know she's the hero in this shit pile despite her onlooking as a guy almost MURDERS the president just to keep her who gives a shit cover. Now as a sad side note: Why are all the presidents closest body guards like 6'1 in movies? Haven't movie makers seen henchmen? You need at least a team of 7 foot monsters around you? Whatever back to this shit show.

She then breaks into the White House bunker(killing no guards while jumping down an elevator shaft from floor to floor via steel I beams like spiderman before sliding down the wall like spiderman2 getting to the bottom and the whole fucking thing turns into a wash of horseshit climaxes that leaves you wondering who thought the audience would reach for this ending like spiderman 3.

She gets to the War room way too easily and breaks into it using of course the very clever and CIA trained way of entering a secured room by shooting through a concrete wall with an M-60 and opening the door only to get apprehended JUST AS SHE SAVES THE WORLD FROM NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST WITH ONE SECOND LEFT for her several dozen body count including attempts on the Presidents of two major nations and the director of the fucking CIA who was a planted spy who was already foiled from his sadly unironic doomsday missile Russian crisis like Dr. Strangelove except instead of being enjoyable I actually routed for my house to get hit by a warhead. Then freshly after saving the day (unbeknowst to those stupid CIA agents who still think she's the bad guy) gets detained but in the end the agent bringing her in has a point break cliffhanger ending where she jumps out of a helicoCONVOLUTED PIECE OF SHIT ENDING!!!!

Now that we have established that the movie is shit, lets look at the actors. Well for starters the villain of the movie is.... Liev Schreiber. Yep, thats right, sabretooth from xmen 4(i refuse to call it by its real name). American Vinnie Jones himself Liev Schreiber. The star power of this movie goes like this. Jolie, and now I'm not kidding, Schreiber, the nazi in the bar scene from Inglorious Basterds, a role actor you've seen in 100 movies who's name you don't know, 40 people you've never seen before, a younger version of Morris Chestnut. The drop off there is so startling Xander Cage couldn't jump safely and land it with a snowboard and a parachute.

Another unforgiving element missing in Salt is the lack of Jolie being not very clothed at any time. She was never even in her underwear. At least tease us with bad fake Hollywood almost nudity. She's offensively poor as an actress. Liev Schreiber blows her off the screen. An actor who plays sabretooth blows her off the screen. If she was a guy and was this overshadowed by average actors she would be on entourage. Jolie unlike her awesome completely covered tits is beyond flat through this entire movie. It was with out a doubt the worst movie i saw in 2010. TITS OR GTFO salt, and you chose GTFO.

taunting animals part 1.

Just when you thought we couldn't possibly discuss rape anymore

At this point I asked some of my friends for some heroes and this is what they suggested and for those of you who haven't read my High Plains Drifter post, Clint Eastwood's character the hero rapes a woman almost before the credits finish. I'm exploring what could happen to a character from a movie if they committed rape and how we would all feel about them going forward and in turn; basically proving rape should bum everyone out and make everyone hate the protagonist instantly.

Natalie David Jeremy Shauna Chris and Vinny all picked the following.

Detective John McClane - no brainer pick. Let's just dive into the logical rape scenario and skip the summary because everyone knows John. Ok so it isn't in Die Hard 1,

Die Hard 2


or even Die Hard With a Vengeance (which we will visit in our "worst villain of all time" discussion.

MORE LIKE JOHN MCCAIN AM I RITE?!?!?!

Alas in these 3 movies there's no chance to for 1 lack of viable women or 2 his ex wife would so take it willingly after killing Hans Gruber.I guess the most reasonable rape scenario for him to rape would be in live free or die hard with his daughter. Yep. I said it. Fuck you. She wasn't appreciative of what ok ok ok fine the Asian lady but seriously she sucks for hating her dad he saved like 700 lives before that movie where he saved like another couple thousand. Anyways the Asian lady McClane beats her down with his toughness and her clear advantage in the fight of not being in 2 car accidents and a helicopter crash and various beatings. Couple that with her martial arts training and for Christs sakes this movie stinks. Ok so he beats her down but doesn't kill her. And he needs to work her over for info. Now here is the problems.
1 McClane has been in 3 movies already so to torch his legacy over a deep dicking of some henchmen would just be tits on a bat ridiculous.
2 if she was in a movie with Willis at this point she obviously had to fuck him to even get in the movie to begin with. That's irrelevant but I just wanted to point out to women that its time to start fucking if you want things.
3 the sidekick comedy guy who looks like Shia LaBeouf or whatever is right there so for Willis to get hard and nail her in front of Labeouf he'd instantly become a total fucking creep and he'd instantly grow a mustache and the movie would completely collapse into itself like if you took Yzerman off the Red Wings.
So McClane is out.

Jaci and her infantile picks.

Peter pan: Now despite Robin Williams deserving the rape we have to think about what would happen if the hero became a rapist and to be frank with you the opportunity for rape just isn't even here. Unless he shrinks or Tinkerbell grows then i really am a loss for words with this one. He's not gonna pull a McClane and rape his own daughter.
And if he did the lost boys would just lose their fucking shit and revolt and side with Hook. So I mean what can he possibly do? He's an adult male finding his inner child, not sure how anyone could forget being a flying nymph that fought pirates. I remember the day i woke up and forgot dinosaurs were extinct but later over breakfast was reminded by Momsy that they are in fact extinct. But Pan can't remember the first 13 years of his life? AND flying? Rape in a PG movie would go over about as well as me drunk at a mothers against drunk driving meeting complete with me taunting them with jingling my keys. How we ended up here is detestable. Its a PG movie even Hook couldn't rape in this movie with out the whole thing just going to shit. Pan is bangeranged out of this.


Dr Alan Grant - If anyone is capable of rape its absolutely Sam Neil, guy looks like a total dead eye creep. Saddler and him are already an item so bear with me on this one. Now he is married and he loves his girlfriend/fiance thing but lets talk about the brachiosaurus in the room clearly this fucking ghoul has his eyes on Hammond's grand daughter. So we skip to them being in the tree together. His reasoning is clear as day. She's already in love with him. The guy has written like 3 books, he's handsome, he's beaten a t-rex in combat and he now has her life in his hands.
She kind of looks like a mix of Aurora Snow and Brett Hull, but she's all growns up, you're out in the woods surrounded by prehistoric death machines hellbent on killing the fuck out of you and look who's protecting you? YEP the creep from Event Horizon.
Now moving along into Grant's train of thought. There's no guarantee you make it out, and if you do you could always trip her and let the raptors tear apart any of the DNA evidence. Of course had Grant gone through with what i assume was his only waking thought over and over thinking about ruining her pre-teen vag.

...the fall out
maybe the biggest ever?

Instantly he surpasses Nedree as the number one guy you want to see devoured by the dinosaurs. You go from rooting for him to make it to the end and avoiding the raptors to hoping a raptor bites his throat then a t-rex bites the raptor and Grant AND a Triceratops stomps his body in a stampede all in one motion. Its a pg-13 movie so the world would just end. There is no discussion.
So Grant is out just because of the crowd reaction, its a kids movie directed by Spielberg. However in an interesting turn of events Jaci was able to name the first character that is both a hero AND someone i could completely sign off as a rapist, and in this case a child rapist. Nice work you fucking creep.

into the mystic...

a brief vacation from all the rape and go into the nice light topic of race wars.

"Hey Chuck its your cousin Marvin. Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you've been looking for well listen to this."

And just like that whitey pulled the rug out from under the blacks for a billionth time.

Basically if you remember the plot Marty is stuffed into a trunk by Biff's gang of cronies. Who I always thought deserved a name. Anyways he's almost immediately freed by the band playing the enchantment under the sea dance(only after being called "spooks") and in doing so the guitarist hurts his hand and can't play. Marty fills in on guitar plays a cover of the penguins earth angel and then plays his own song. Now in his own song he covers Chuck Berry's Johnny Be Good and that would be all fine and dandy if it wasn't for the guitarist then picking up the phone backstage and calling his cousin, who we are to believe to be Chuck "shit on a glass table while i jerk off" Berry himself. And it is Marvin who shows Chuck the inspiration for what Chuck would create in the form of Rock n Roll. I mean the writing even implied that Berry stole the song outright too. Not even the sound, they're not implying a standard zeppelining they're going for the full blown carbon copy ripoff.



For years the knock against Elvis was oh he just stole rock n roll from the blacks but the writers of BTTF take that all back with one quick sucker punch. In what would be the inaugural time traveling movie and basically the prototype for thousand of stupid string theory arguments about time tributaries and all sorts of horseshit I will touch on way too many times. But in other go into the past movies the travelers alter the future greatly and there's all sorts of consequences. Marty to have altered the future in two ways. Firstly when he arrived in the future he knocked over a tree so the name of the future mall would be "Lone Pine Mall" instead of "Twin Pines Mall" and secondly he gave rock n roll to the black man.



Now in what I've learned of the space time continuum you can't go back in time and effect your own present but you'd be effecting a different dimension. And when Marty set the course for his parents meeting off course all he did was touch off a series of events in an irrelevant dimension that Marty would never be a part of unless he stayed there. So I understand this but you have to go by this movie's rules for reality and the effects there in.

A point of pride for blacks has always been that Elvis stole his songs from the black man and he had undeserved fame and fortune that was made from other people's sweat. And they'd be 100% right. So to take this from them is just kind of disgusting. The unmitigated gall of the writers of BTTF to use the benefit of altered reality and the space time continuum to bring about a chick/egg scenario with rock n roll. Did McFly give rock n roll to Chuck Berry or did Chuck give it to America and thus to McFly. What racist douche bags the writers are of this movie to have McFly's one "Gump like" alteration of pop culture and history alike be a backhand to black musicians and pretty much black culture.

Now I love LOVE Michael J Fox. So I'd like to point this out to people that before this critique. The idea, that some pukey highschooler who plays bad bendy metal solos with his shitty high school band would create the spark. The spark that gave birth to an American phenomenon and what could be our best gift to the world outside of medicinal works, automobiles and Katy Perry's tits in rock n roll: is just offensive. To spit in Chuck Berry, Little Richard and i'll even take it into blues and name guys that would hate my guts for naming them in a shitty blog review of a Disney movie but fuck it i wanna show my music dick LEADBELLY AND ROBERT JOHNSON's collective face is nothing but sheer Disney bigotry.

more, rape.

Rape is such a horrible occurrence yet its a part of all our lives. I've had family members raped and there's a friend of the family who actually went to jail for it, when i found that out it undoubtedly and deserving leaves a stigma to the guy. My dad believes the man to be innocent of the crime but yet still doesn't trust him. 9/10ts of the girls that have the misfortune of fucking me have had rape fantasies. Which I'm just flat out not willing to participate in. For starters all women are headcases and any woman willing to fuck me should be hospitalized. So the idea that I'm gonna supposedly rough a girl up and take her and leave dna yields to a trust level that I'd just never attain with a girl of that ilk. Now if someday my wife is into it maybe but even then I'd still demand it written out that she won't press charges. I'm sure those will stand up in court. Anyways lets just dive right into it with a suggestion from my friend.

Jack the narrator: so two things here. I'm not gonna keep typing the narrator his name is Jack for fucks sake and secondly I'm gonna take a quick shot at Palahnuik fans and I'll say this. The screen adapters and Fincher did more to help understand Jack and Tyler more than the book could. With out the ability to give you the written word. Ok so this is harder. Unlike Rambo, Mad Max and others jack didn't really have a bad background. I don't care how you spin it having a boring job is not an excuse for sexual assault. Chuck was lazy and wrote what I assume is Jacks back story in Choke of a fatherless kid with a hands off mom. So cry yourself to sleep fag mommy didn't love you. The only position for rape would be Marla whatever but then you gotta ask the question would it be rape? Marla is already fucking Jack's body. So suspending that you know they're the same person you're given a great existential debate here. Rape within the parameters of betrayed consensual sex. Its like a pair of identical twins fucking the same girl with out her knowledge. Then is it rape? She said "yes" in the simplest sense of the word. So the answer is by default no. He couldn't rape her so the very paradox of him not being able to rape Marla blows up the whole scenario before it starts. Or does it? Could Jack have gotten away with fucking Marla after he realizes Tyler is a part of him? Say he meets Marla takes her to the diner so the singer from Live can give them clean food. Jack pulls his dick out under the table, Marla isn't saying no to that dick. She doesn't know its the same dick but to a different brain. I'm at a loss for what is rape and what is just sneaky sex. So I am jack's dismissal from this debate.

Luke: now the Luke rape scenario is going to be immediately qualified by me for two reasons.
1) I love Paul Newman and Luke is my favorite character of all time unless you count "shark" from jaws.
2) no woman in 1967 married single or freshly widowed is saying no to Paul Newman. Most men would say yes for Christs sakes he's enchanting.
3) Luke's heart was outside the prison and he was trying to get back to it. Taking it from another free person makes no sense.
Now the rape scenario is the lady that washed the car in front of the work gang taunting them with her big fat wet tits. (Already assigning blame) so Dragline and Loudmouth overpower the guards and Luke walks over to the girl and makes sweet love to the her. Ok see rape isn't possible, she wants it half as bad as I do. Newman is too dreamy. #37 is out.

Lets move the topic of rape from the past into the future.

Johnny Rico: now this is a scenario I can get behind. Johnny left to join the global federation of earth infantry and his girlfriend from high school Carmen Ibanez joins to be a g.f.e. pilot. So she dumps him via webcam and immediately starts sucking pilot instructor cock. Meanwhile johnny after learning his whole home town is destroyed including his family and dog and other football game teammates thing is seeing his friends and instructors die he ALMOST dies and his girl dumps him for inferiority and obvious lack o' height. The possible rape is of course when they run into each other at hq and johnny still has blood on him and his sweet laser tattoo. And carmen still has her pilot instructors semenal fluids so Rico is overwhelmed with the feeling of him being a pawn coupled with the feeling of being forgotten about by the girl he loved and pretty much only had one love left, and that was the corps. So why not remind Ibanez what she's missing out on, that night after the dance where mazzy star played she took it there. The problem is Denise Richards is an unattractive sow of a woman and i can't imagine him actually fucking her when the other option in his life is much more attractive in Dina Meyer. So even if the anger and hopelessness is there the sheer will to do it isn't there. His balls are drained and he's getting his aggression out on those god damn bugs. Rico is out of this conversation and debate would you like to know more?


Corbin Dallas - Multipass. Well let's agree he has the typical once was a decorated veteran now he finds himself in a life that wasn't as good as where he thought he was headed. He has horrendous dyed blonde hair. He was fired from his lowly job as a cab driver. And what falls from the sky but what could be the most attractive woman of all time in Lelu Dallas Milla Jovovich. So the opportunity is there, the nothing to lose let's suck these tits now mentality is there. He kisses her while passed out so that asks the question. Is "it" there. And it just isn't. As incredibly rapeable as Lelu is she could kick the shit out of any man who tries. Hell maybe even me. So maybe the desire of kissing Lelu wasn't gonna turn into dicking and even if it did she'd probably kick him in the face 10 times in 2 seconds. Plus later in the movie Corbin is in love with her as we all are and there is no chance of raping her at that point. I'll visit this point later in the discussion but like Jean Claude and Segal obviously Bruce Willis doesn't have to rape. Dallas is out.

expanding on rape

So I'm sitting at work now pondering adding the character trait of "aggravated rapist" to various movie heroes and who would it most stand out as an oddity with but more to the point.
Which movie hero could get away with rape and have it not greatly affect the story. Rape to me is a horrible crime and its nothing funny about it but we are talking about movie rape so its as serious as any other crime in movie form. My mom thinks rapists should be put to death and like most people who are anti death penalty I'm stuck when people say "why do these people deserve to live" so yeah I'm not promoting rape by any means if anything I'm proving how rape could ruin our view of movie heroes.

Now I could be crass and make the predictable shock humor jokes of I'd like kindergarten cop more if there was rape in it but its hack and lazy. So let's lean into this more.

lets start with two of my favorites.

Mad max: when I think of heroes I think of champion of the weak coming from a background of loss. So having his wife killed and child killed right in front of him could maybe excuse (hahaha I'm excusing rape in my first example) his feverish rage rape. I mean he set a guy on fire slowly. Is that any worse than rape? There is a level of masochism with some of the kills in movies where you wsay "fuck I think I'd rather just be raped." Had Max grabbed one of the post apocalyptic crazy rail mother fuckers and just took the anger out on her. Like if she was a cartwheeling rascally flame thrower girl? I'm basically saying "if mad max raped Cheetara" so this discussion is already lost. Then the whole movie is undone and you just cost yourself what could be the perfect example on how to ruin a great movie with a shit trilogy. Max while having the mean streak and he past of unending pain and deserved anger towards the world that has been evolved into a neurosis song. He certainly does not have the malevolence to commit to rape. Especially with the frequent flashbacks of his wife's face and his insistence to help strangers. So like MasterBlaster and The Mighty Humongous Max is out.

John Rambo: (obviously first blood): Ok here is my second example and already my second case of rape excuse, but to make this discussion you have to placate rape into being less than obviously what it is; But seriously, 'Nam fucked him up and he came back to an entire country of people who dislike him and now have no use for the guy that they let go fight a war he had nothing to do with to begin!!! For those of you who haven't seen the first blood movie than you are GREATLY underestimating 1 how good of an actor Stallone could be in theory 2 how good the Rambo series could have been. Anyways Rambo wronged by his country used to be in charge of million dollar equipment now he can't hold a job parking cars. He comes back to the country drifting from town to town as a vagrant similar to other homeless vets you see on the street. And for the sake of committing to a rape storyline in this movie some hippy broad starts spitting on him calling him a baby killer and all kinds of vile crap. Rambo who is by no means a bad guy just had enough of being an afterthought and on top of it a mascot for a lost war and punches her boyfriend(who I envision to be jenny's abusive boyfriend in Forrest Gump) and he forces himself on her. But in doing so you immediately lose your sympathy for a cop murdering dog slaughtering psycho. He stops being the lovable loner who deserved better annnnd becomes a fucking rapist. Rambo went to a foreign land to kill people for a government and country that forgot him when he came back, the anger is there, the reason to take is there because he hasn't been given an iota of what he has earned. Then you find yourself rooting for Brian Dennehy, David Caruso and the guy who Rambo stole the dirt bike from. Jesus dude just go to the left or the right and Rambo doesn't get a hand on you you're on a 3 stroke, people throttle them over 200 foot gaps and you couldn't out maneuver a fucking mid 30s white man with over 100 feet of options, gun it you pussy. Rambo is out of this discussion but always in my heart.


Those two are perfect characters who later were raped by the poor writing of the trilogy. Lets pick a one and done vigilante to tie it all together.

Travis Bickle: All right now we're getting into people who have the potential to commit to the crime of rape. The potential victim list is slim at best. Iris was down for dick so obviously it'd be "if Travis raped Betsy" now Bickle is our first anti-hero a character seldom done well until Vince McMahon came up with Stone Cold Steve Austin and was able to package it onto t shirts and now Jason Statham plays one in every movie. But ok, Travis had a rough go of it we assume Vietnam wasn't a fun time for Travis and again he comes back to a world that's forgotten him which at the time was an awesome basis for some of the best movies ever made. Now where Rambo felt displaced and ultimately ruled unseemly by his country Travis tried to belong to this new world and it didn't go well. Now I assume the rape would happen after the phone call to Betsy where he tries to get another date or as we all know it "the most uncomfortable moment in cinema history". So he gets Betsy coming from the campaign HQ annnnnnnnnnnnnd well Travis is already a psycho so if you can forgive him for murdering of a pimp and the shootout at the end and everything then maybe. MAYBE. If he went to take something back from the world that forgot him MAYBE you could forgive him for being an armed lunatic giving shit to his passengers MAYBE you can forgive him for his menacing look and construction of weapon accessories then MAYBE he could put his dick in a campaign manager who had 0 respect for his plight and humiliated him several times. But of course you absolutely can't. Suspending any knowledge knowing Betsy was nice to Travis and wasn't by any means a bad person and 100% did not deserve rape. So there it is. Qualified acceptance of a rapist protagonist. I love Bickle but it'd be a different movie after he commits to a horrible crime like that. Bickle wanted to fix the world not ruin it. So Travis is out and likely dead. Suck on this!


Those are 3 good examples of guys who feel betrayed by society who have experienced great loss and feel like they've given more to the world than was given back to them. So lets remove anger from the situation. Lets look into the often rapey world of sports.

Rocky:- so you're telling me a meat head guinea athlete from Philadelphia hasn't committed several cases of rape both standard date rape AND statutory but we can't account for non-movie timeline actions. So lets all agree that the most likely to rape Rocky is Rocky I Rocky. The push-over has been southpaw from WEST PHILADELPHIA BORN AND RAISED who was called upon just to get smashed out by Creed. So the anger isn't there, however there is always the Italian undeserved sense of confidence. But Rocky is far from a mean guy, and even though he's a stuttering muttering douche he's still got the whole gentle side as was established in the ice skating scene, and no guy who takes a girl ice skating is capable of rape, rocky would at worst dry hump Adrienne. Rocky 2 and 3 Rocky was in love with Adrienne therefor incapable of anger passion. In 4 Nielson is a horrible soviet whore reminding me of every awful stripper but with the speech at the end of Rocky 4 about maybe the U.S. and Russia can like each other,




at this point Rocky is soft and easy, he beat Drago, his greatest adversaries Creed and Lang are dead and MIA. And by the time 5 and 6 came around Rocky was too old to sustain an erection. So sadly, finally you can count Rocky out.

Charlie Conway:- ok lets clear this up once and for all using of course the best control for all discussions and basically the barometer of modern day society, the 1998-2000 Detroit Red Wings. Now it may cheapen the greatness of comparing the Red Wings hockey team to a movie about hockey in The Mighty Ducks but its worth it to introduce these means of comparison are designed for you to pick it up quickly and with easy parallels. Especially because it is an easy comparison to make but a hard one to master.

Charlie = Steve Yzerman (the captain, the heart and soul of the team it goes nowhere with out him)
Adam Banks = Sergei Federov (the blazing talent, the speed, the flash although necessary its never really "his" team )
Jesse Hall = Brandon Shannahan (the rough and tumbled goal scorer who never shies from mixing it up)
Fulton Reed = Darren McCarty/Marty Lapointe the enforcer strength add Lidstrom's shot from the crease and you've got Fulton down pat.

So when they're winning games and people are realizing the value of Charlie and his heart there is no excuse for Connie to not to have wanted to fuck. BUT SHE DOESN'T even the figure skater girl is in with fucking of all people Guy. GUY?!? Guy Germaine at best is Larionov. AT BEST!!! For the girls to overlook young Charlie while he's diving on pucks, blocking shots, taking hits, doing the little things, all the while he is dropping hawks and scoring the winning goal!!! He lives the dream. The figure skating girl would be lucky to have Charlie jerk off on her now. In a way I'm glad Charlie didn't lower himself to shitty local Minnesotan pussy. So lets just point out the various reasons why Charlie could never do it.

1 NICENESS he's got the nice guy curse of always doing the work but always watching the girl he wants kiss the douche(like Guy Germaine)
2 IMMATURITY he's too young and doesn't realize what he deserves.
Later in the trilogy he gives up his spot in the series not knowing that he deserves the spot over any of the other kids, no reason to play the Spanish Speedster Mendoza over Charlie.
3 PUBERTY he was too young then and his tiny genitals probably couldn't work and any rape rage back then would probably be replaced with pushing a girl down on the playground.
4 PROMISE he's Joshua Jackson for christs sakes, he'd later play Pacey in Dawson's Creek. For fucks sake he was the 2000s answer to Dylan McKay. He backed his way into more pussy than any other of the ducks put together. Plus he has the option to have the initials "JJ".

Why take when the world is tripping over itself to give to you?
So charlie is also out and is concentrating on coaching.

I'm gonna regroup and think of more heroes.

high plains drifter (1973)

So after for a few dollars more, a fistful of dollars, hang em high and the good the bad the ugly(ignoring paint your wagon and two mules for sister sarah for musical and horrible co-star female scene stealing attempts) clint was bar none the best movie star of all timed named clint supplanting clint walker and peter cushing. Going into the early mid 70s any movie with the words "eastwood" and "western" was instant hype and pretty much bankable gold. So when this movie pulled an elephant dick out in the first 5 minutes and never explained it it kind of left you wondering "what the fuck just happened".



HAPPENED

Ok so the movie is just like any of the unnamed series. Blondie stranger rolls into town. Establishes he's a bad ass by murdering petty criminals and bullies and sticks up for the littleman. Except in this movie the littleman is actually a midget, and before you let that ruin the movie for you let me throw this in as a quick detour. The hero of the movie commits aggrevated rape 10 minutes into it.

For those of you who haven't seen this movie you're likely thinking "fuck are you serious?" And for those of you who have you're saying "fuuuck that was odd". Now many of you are thinking well surely there will be resolution to that and you're just wrong. Anyways the town rallies around ol' rapeypants and starts training for a returning gang of ne'erdowells. Many of you will recognize that plot from countless stories (magnificent seven, the three amigos) all of course except the woman clint eastwood angrily raped who is foiled of revenge when a townsman takes a gun from her when she tries to kill him.
Now as for the gang returning. Well they were arrested in the town and want to get revenge on it. You know. Like all criminals who want to kill the cops who arrest them. I never understood this logic. Fires never want to kill the fire fighters that put them out. Oh wait backdraft sucked. So in the first 20 seconds of meeting the gang the movie of course makes you hate them and establishes them as villains byyyyy revealing they were mistreated in prison? Yep. They were made to eat their own horses. For months. Well so far you're 1/3rd into the movie and the biggest assholes in it are.

1 the hero
2 the people he is protecting
3 the jailers

Eventually you're made to dislike the gang but not in the way you'd think. They keep cutting back to them for really worthless character establishing segments. Once they kill some other drifting scumbags, another time they kill a horse. By the time they get to the town you realize all you know about these guys is if this was a little different they'd be the heroes and eastwood would be the villain. The townsmen themselves are rape hiding racist scumbags who treat the poor like animals, at one point I swear one of them was wearing a philadelphia eagles shirt.

At one point during the movie I found myself wishing the whole town burns down with everyone killed and the records don't make it out of the fire.

I submit you could never really like the hero of the movie and with good reason. He steals from the townsmen. Rips their barns down. Takes their goods they sold in their shops and worst of all is accompanied by the midget who I assume is only kept around for comic relief, of which he supplies none. I hate comic relief in movies. I don't need to be bailed out. I've agreed to see your movie stop giving me air when I went into this agreement knowing I had to hold my breath.


clint and comedic death.
I remembered this movie to be a lot more bad ass. But it just was odd and unfunny. Clint is cold(which is expected) but somehow he didn't have anything that made him likable or seem bothered by his past. He had muiltiple flashbacks to a really badly acted torture scene but by the time you figure out his role in it you already hate his guts.

All in all this has to be clint's worst western and it was a shocker that he rebounded so well after with josey and unforgiven(maybe because they didn't have him fucking rape a woman before the credits were done). Clint is on my mt rushmore of acting and it sucks he's so old because he could be one of my favorite directors and I'd love to see him keep going for another 30 years of making movies. He has in himself the best no right answer debate. Clint the actor vs clint the director. Maybe clint isn't the best actor but he is a phenomenal movie star. Now obviously this blog will be a great success and clint will read this so. I love you Clint Eastwood.



Ps at the end of the movie he rapes again. Not kidding. Multiple rapes multiple victims. Hero.

a quick aside

i have no interface or designing skills, so this will have to do
and i love the fish thing fuck you its adorable
sorry in advance.