so pitted.

To Die Another Day is on cable. Its fucking disgusting. Brosnan and Halle Berry have the on screen chemistry of two cardboard boxes stacked at a offsetting angles in a musky warehouse. Alas, rather than hammer a shit movie into the ground I'd rather knock a good one.

Brad Pitts acting in Inglorious Basterds missed tongue and cheek campy and just went on to distracting and poor. I can't believe Eli Roth was better at making the jewbear who yelled out about "Teddy Ball Game" and "Fenway Fucken Pahhhhk" seem more believable than Pitt did with a hardened army platoon leader. Pitt's been such a great actor in the past too that this came as a real surprise. I think he has at least, maybe he hasn't, I don't know. Just about everybody in this fuck movie out does Pitt, people I never heard of or saw before make Pitt look like an overdone asshole. The fucking shit from The American Office shines next to him, its not even fair to bring up "The Jew Hunter" in comparison but for fuck sakes the german actress lady and the british agent blow Pitt out of the water. It gets to the point where you begin to resent Tarantino for letting it go on. But then I noticed that in parts it becomes less overbearing and awful.

The first scene when he says he would like to get his nat-zee scalps is fucking piss poor. Its Pierce Brosnan bad, if not worse. It crushes the movie at parts. It just undoes your ability to fall into a movie like in any part of the movie like when a phone number has 555 in it or when a movie has a voice over which is another outdated lazy way of making a movie. If you can't articulate through scenes what you're trying to convey then just fucking don't make movies. However later in the movie the whole act kind of gets watered down a little, I like to think Tarantino had a talk with Pitt. Much like the one he had to have with Travolta, except he asked Pitt to stop sucking on film and HERE COMES A GAY JOKE ABOUT TRAVOLTA. I know movies are seldom filmed chronologically but it seems like the longer the movie went the less and less the accent and diction was a problem.

I realize no one else may share my views on things but its so fucking distracting when you try to accept another reality and someone does something to remind you that you're just looking at light and sound. Brad Pitt kept knocking me out of being able to suspend belief. Now it seems like I'm knocking Pitt but I never watch Daniel Day Lewis movies and go "dude thats fucken ddl" when he's acting. Every time Pitt talked it seemed like I was saying "heres brad again being a dick". When I watched scary movies as a kid my cousin told me "its only a movie they're actors I never get scared" and I wondered what the fuck is the point of watching movies then? If you can defeat the whole point of immersion than why bother watching anything in the fuck first place?! I always thought the whole point of a movie was to get into the idea of a story taking place and you were looking in on it. When you just think "I'm looking at actors doing their job" to me its just worthless. Its almost as unfortunate as Heather Graham's career after she thought that she didn't have to show her tits anymore.

And to answer your question YES I decided to attack Pitt based on his relationship with Clydesdale Jolie. And to answer your other question Swordfish is openly celebrating the repeal on don't ask don't tell. This will make like 8 posts in a row with the Swordfish tag.

Speaking of out of control flying homosexuality.

For those of you who didn't see this Hugh Jackman got hurt while ziplining in to Oprah.

What it doesn't say in this report is that the professionals who set up the rig weren't to blame for the lack of brakes but it was a cruel joke by one of them for saying "theres a big dick at the bottom" Jackman was worked up into a froth and went recklessly down the zipline with no caution in what Oprah producers referred to as "cock fever".

yes i could have worded all that better but its like 2 and i'm fucking spent

Sherlock Holmes

I'm now typing this review or synopsis or complaint in real time as the movie goes, wanted to try this for a while.


not a good start.


Now I love Downey JR but its movies like this that make me think he wasted a couple months where he could've been filming something wonderful. I suppose I'll feel the same way when I have to see due date. OK this is my second time watching this movie.....and I have no fucking clue what its about.

Downey does a great English accent and I wish I dressed like every man in this movie and had their mustaches. Is this bad guy Stanley Tucci? He looks just like him. Kind of happy his teeth are horrendous. I'm glad another movie wasn't scared enough to bring back the drug a human as to fool a medical professional into thinking they are dead only to secretly be in a coma...or movie or...WHY DO PEOPLE WRITE THIS SHIT. It happening in a fun tongue and cheek semi-comedy semi-action semi-history piece movie like this a fake death can happen without me feeling like a shitfiend. But in Salt a movie I'm supposed to take seriously its just fucking offensive.

Rachel McAdams by the way does a wonderful job of convincing everyone that she is alive even though obviously she is dead. I like to think that Rachel McAdams is cast as an American woman because she couldn't possibly do the entire movie in an English accent. Especially when she can barely do an American one. She is very attractive lady. Annnnnnnd that's about it. She is so utterly replaceable and frankly out of place in this movie a muppet would've stuck out less. The guy who cast her as "the mystique clever femme semi-fatal who may be playing both sides" is such a poor fucking choice. I could talk her into fucking me. I'd just open up recent photos and a list of work of Jennifer Love Hewitt and look at her and say, "this is your future". She would become so instantly depressed and manic that she'd almost have to fuck me just so she doesn't feel sad anymore, well its either fuck me or burn herself with a cigarette lighter, right then.

I guess if Jude Law wasn't standing next to RDjr throughout this entire movie he would be charming and handsome. This was a bad movie choice for Law. He might never be cast again after this fucking blunder. What is he going to bill himself as now? He does the 2nd best English accent in this movie(to an American). He is the second most charming English man in this movie (to an American). He is the second most attractive man(to an American). I can picture his manager and agent picking up phone calls for people who are looking to cast "unlikable Ewen McGregor" or "snarky younger less talented douchier Gary Oldman".

At some point the fucking scientist who finalized the movie script assumed the entire audience would be chemists. What the fuck are these people talking about? Stop making references to powders and compounds like I'm a 19th century alchemist. I could watch this movie pausing to get filled in by Bill Nye and still miss gigantic plot points. The fact that I can't name another(or an actual) chemist is kind of disheartening.

Are you sure the bad guy isn't Stanley Tucci?

Mark Strong, not Stanley Tucci
Stanley Tucci not Mark Strong

Does anyone understand this secret order free masony sub plot? My nose whistles when I breathe out, its the most entertaining part about this movie right now. I sit around killing time until RDjr is back on screen the guy is a complete delight. I love the band saw scene. He's about to cut Rachel Mcadams in half via a fucking bandsaw in a slaughter house. Makes me think that the guy is just dastardly. Later he's gonna tie her to train tracks or hand cuff her next to a bomb with a long fuse, then he's gonna enter the Wacky Races with his dog Mutly.



Its the ending of this movie that's so offensive. What the fuck even happens? They try to summarize things up in a rush of flashbacks but it just becomes fucking confusing. When a writer of a movie buries you under boxes of questions it sucks when you don't get to open them individually and enjoy the answers. Instead the movie just rips you from under the pile and says "dude fuck those boxes who needz em?!" Now you're out of the boxes and suddenly the credits are rolling and you're left with 0 answers other than the cliffhanger ending. Which is tremendous for me. Because now I refuse to see the sequel.

This is why this movie is a disappointment. RDjr is one of the best actors of all time and he's in a movie with an ok cast and a great plot to a movie being a period piece of a brilliant quirky detective foiling a plot to over throw a government. And when it lands hot piss short of it its as upsetting as seeing that Bruce Willis' version of 'Under the Board Walk' making a Best of Motown compilation multi-disc set. This movie had Marvin Gaye for an actor and The Funk Brothers for a setting and plot and then had Ke$ha for a story execution. I'm fucking freezing.

I love the chase scene in point break. It single handedly inspired my pitbull tossing policy. See a pitbull. Toss it at someone. Run. Brilliant.

Angelina Jolie finishes second all time in the list of celebrities people tell me are attractive but really aren't. JUST behind the winner Tina Turner and a distant 3rd being Uma Thurman.

If I could draw. All day every day I'd draw dinosaurs fucking. Or sharks. Sharks fucking dinos. Dinosaurs wearing snorkels just to get fucked by sharks.

Horror Business 1! 2! redux

Ok i got side tracked last time lets give this another shot.

simple changes i would give to the horror genre in an attempt to salvage itself from the factory of shit it has become.


2 new ghoulies that are actually scary that the audience does not end up rooting for.


I have to say predator deserves some if not all of the blame here

I feel like I'm over stepping the horror genre by adding in movies like Predator but to be honest horror is a really really bad genre and the theory of a Predator is 100xs scarier than any ghost toddler. Ant-jawed space hunter who kills for sport with advanced technology with no room for reasoning or bargaining with. He's like a pit bull that can turn invisible and laser beam you or gut you via wrist sword. He probably has the shotgun/sword combo too that's like virtually unbeatable. Now compare that to some kid who died on a farm. Not as scary. In fact I feel like any kid ghost could easily defeated.

I'm also at the point now in my life where I don't find the new incarnate of ghosts scary. cold looking children with dethklok makeup in shitty hipstery clothes aren't scary and their recycled use at this point is just overkill. There's only so many times a movie about "evil experiments" before that jetski has run aground.

Ring
Sarah michelle key movie
That movie with the farm house thing
Quarantined
The Others
Orphanage
the movie with Rogue in the darkness thing
Silent Hill
The movie with the kid in the basement and the dentist chair

I hate to give any credit to the shitty Rob Zombie movies but those two hunks of shit and The Strangers had a good concept of "some people are just fucked and evil" Now I say I hate to give Rob Zombie credit because his movies were at best Texas Chainsaw remakes with a awful hot topic twist that did away with tension and replaced it with batshit. But they knew their audience, they gave their audience (teens) the best reasoning for the homicidal rage that the audience experience every day are up against. None. No reason to act the way they do and no reason for them to have the grief put upon them is damaging to think about. Its different when people go into a cave or the woods or an abandoned camp or scenarios you know you'll never be a part of. But in that movie The Strangers it was just people in a house that were killed just because they were there. Now granted that movie sucked shit and there was no real suspense in it because everything was rushed to get to the climax and the climax itself was kind of chilling in a way but still lacked on a great finish. Or it didn't and I'm just a prick. I don't mean to knock the movie but the premise of bored teenagers just killing people because they were home and torturing them could really be terrifying if done well. Which it wasn't.where the fuck am i?

its amaaaaaaaazing.

Now the glaring problem with my comparison is that for anyone who wants a monster as scary as the Predator there is the fact that no one on this earth is anti-Predator.
In predator and especially Predator 2 the Predator couldn't kill enough humans. There literally is not enough death to dispense evenly around LA gangs, drug lords, cops with mustaches, people on trains no one was likable and all I wanted was blood. I don't care if my family was on screen I wanted tri-lasers to their faces and arm swords through their miserable carcasses. How dare my friends and family stand in the way of my mandible Christ.

So thats what needs to happen, I'm not helping much by saying this but, you need a new scary monster that gets people to root against him to win. By the time the new Jason and Freddy movies came around I was just going to see them kill people. If possible I would've liked to skip the story all together and just concentrate on the murders.