I have no idea how the Oscars whiffed this bad on selecting hosts. Usually when I see Anne Hathaway struggle this badly to captivate an audience she has the decency to pull a titty out. Dear lord this is like trying to jerk a horse off while its running. Oscars yearly do a good job of making me like Hollywood less and less. They mock their audience and praise themselves for doing a really superfluous duty. No one needs you to be millionaires stop mocking the people that support you.
James Franco being a host goes up my ass. Ricky Gervais took shots at the brotherhood of self obsessed dickheads and he got destroyed for it. Now this dick neck is up there trying to trick me into thinking his squinty handsomeness is somehow charming they can fuck themselves. He's terrible at ad-libbing. And that's fine. I can't act or take down pussy like he can. I'm convinced Hollywood thinks they can hang glide with out taking lessons if they just wear a nice a tux and wink to people.
Hathaway is unapproachably gorgeous. But watching her try and punch up Franco's dead jokes is grossssssssssssss. Kirk Douglas' ears look like bat wings. Mila Kunis just licked her lips. Best part of the night here. Why is Justin Timberlake presenting an Oscar? Isn't that like Jason Statham presenting a Grammy? Why is he mocking Kirk Douglas? Justin just tried sneaking a joke in while he was opening the envelope. Can I just honestly say that no one in this building is genuinely funny?
I've seen about 4 acceptances now, and all 4 have been better than the pre-written dialogs between Hathaway and fuckbolts. Hathaway really does look good. She's wearing a terrible sequined dress that looks like a Tap Out shirt and still is all time attractive. She's dressed like snooki and somehow looks classic beauty. I love Mark Wahlberg but how does he not know how to do a Boston accent?
The King's Speech will go down as the greatest "good" movie of all time. Its not bad at all and its certainly better than Crash and Slumdog but I mean. I've never seen a movie be so head above its competition and not be "great". Whatever. True Grit deserved a nomination at worse. I think it deserves the Oscar. But whatever I love westerns, the Coen bros, Bridges and greatness.
Anne Hathaway is dragging Franco to the finish here. Eventually the producers need to cut their losses and replace him. They did it to Spiderman they can do it to the replacement green goblin. He's dressed in drag and is still getting no reaction and is somehow still unnoticed. He could walk out dressed like George Clinton with fireworks and and a light show and people still would just...be there. Wow. A Charlie Sheen joke. How risky.
Russel Brand is just spooky looking. And I'm sure he has funny inside him somewhere and I just haven't seen it yet. Christian Bale just won Jeremy Renner's Oscar. Why is The Fighter so praised? Its another underdog boxing story that wasn't even the best one. Renner was tremendous. Jesus. Renner made his movie. I didn't even have a strong feeling on any of the best actor or actress, I always like supporting more.
Now out comes the academy president to babble about themselves. Gross. Anne Hathaway just said Jackman could "sing dance act and was an action star" its really offensive. Trent Reznor just won an Oscar. I hope someone brings up how funny industrial is to him. Hey Trent remember when you were spooky and rented the Sharon Tate murder house? Ooooooh I'm scary you guys! Trent's hair is hilariously black. Its worse than Liam Neeson's hair in Taken. It looks like fucking shoe polish.
A six degrees to Kevin Bacon joke just happened. Jesus who is writing this polite horse shit? Scarlet Johansson and Matthew McConaughey presenting together. I have too many jokes at once. Do you think if the two of them were in a movie that she still would get horribly out acted?
The Wolf Man just got nominated. Wow. I forgot that hunk of fucky shit existed. Annnnnnd the guy accepting has a pony tail. Where is Tom Savini? What a shitty movie this was. They put a lot into it too. Benecio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, classic story, big market, lots of money, vampire movies hitting. They had 5 stars going into the movie and they just shit on the horses back rather than ride it into the sunset. Wow they won one. If you told me during it that it would win an Oscar my mind would shut off. Like apparently Franco's has. This is like watching weekend at Bernie with Hathaway playing the two undeads.
Kevin Spacey was a top 5 actor in the world 8 years ago what the fuck even happened? Why is Jake Gyllenhaal even allowed to be here? Anne Hathaway just made a joke about her dress having tassels or something. Did I say she was good and Franco stunk? I'm kidding. Oprah is presenting now. This is probably the first time I've ever seen her actually speak. They cut to Tim Burton looking bored and looking around for his keys or something. Pretty hilarious. I only saw one of the documentaries and it didn't win and I'd have to say it didn't get robbed. Street Art is cool for like 8 minutes. The winner for the documentary had a heavy handed message about society. Jesus Christ. When is enough enough you just made a 2 hour movie preaching your message now you gotta get on stage and fart about it?
ABC finally putting out a medical examiner show with a tough to love doctor. They should just call it CSI always sucked and House has sucked for a while give us a shot. Billy Crystal is out and the funniest thing of the night is his hair being black without a hint of gray. Dude is almost 70. I already made reference to Liam Neeson's hair but good god, someone intervene here. Robert Downey JR is out with Jude Law again. Jude holds his own for once. Wish the stupid Sherlock Holmes movie was at all comparable.
Best editing award? How does anyone know who deserves this without seeing what they cut out? I'm sure fans of editing are tipping their screens over to cover them in rage piss but seriously what gives? What if the social network people cut out key plot twist that would explain to me why everyone thought it was so good?
Gwyneth Paltrow singing. Wow. This song is poison and her delivery is worst. Randy Newman won. He's hilarious and always good at writing family poppery, I just wish he didn't write the same song for all 20 of his nominations. Now comes the standard dead people parade. I always laugh when some people get more claps than others based on fame. Spoke too soon. There is no clapping. Holy shit Dennis Hopper died? Who is Susan York? She was gorgeous. Halle Berry looks good. Too bad she's like 40 pounds of orangutan crazy in a 10 pound bag not intended for Orangutans.
I'm kind of out of the Oscars now. I've been back and forthing between the Knicks game. The awards are all technical and editing now. Really boring shit right now. Francis Ford Copolla accepting a lifetime Oscar thing. Kind of gross that he didn't get his 20 years ago. Apocalypse Now skull fucks these movies. Why is everyone praising Eisenberg so much? He did a really good job of being flat and unemotional. Is that acting or just being a void? Natalie Portman won Black Swan and she doesn't seem overwhelmed at all. Its kind of weird. Its like they called her name for take out food was ready at panda express. I wouldn't have given her the oscar but whatever what do I know. I thought Jennifer Lawrence or Michelle Williams were better. Or maybe they were just in better movies or something. I'm not really good at separating very good from exceptional just shit from bad. And she was good.
How many paragraphs is this? Now Anne Hathaway is wearing a diving suit dress. Is it pleather? Jesus. Now she's dressed like fucking Jwow. Sandra Bullock looks really pretty awful, still shocked she won an award for playing Erin Brockovich. Javier Bardem is so fucking handsome. Didn't see the movie he was in. So already my opinion is garbage. 127 hours was good and if I didn't see him suck so bad in this awards show I'd wanna see him win. But he seriously fucking poisoned me. Wow Colin Firth won. Now this motherfucker is charming. I liked the King's Speech a lot. I have 0 objections. I liked a Single Man more last year. He was really strong. 8 sentences now with no joke. Nice stretch here. Great speech too. He's so incredibly humble about this. If I won I'd never get cast in a movie again. I'd spike the Oscar and immediately start Ric Flairing on people. WOOOOOOOOO! Telling people my shoes cost more than their house. Telling women in the audience they could ride space mountain.
OK here we go. Best fuck all picture. Steven Spielberg presenting is kind of funny. I mean I loved Jaws. But I mean. Overall? Eh. Winter's Bone was too upsetting for me to consider to be great. Oh shit true grit was nominated? What an uninformed douche I am. I've seen all these movies actually except Toy Story 3 because I'm not 11 and if I had to rank them.
1 true grit
2 the king's speech
3 winter's bone
4 social network
5 inception
6 the kids are all right
7 black swan
8 the fighter
And yeah. The worlds worst kept secret came true. I liked it a lot. Unlike these Oscars. I hate that Britains won this award you floofy twats.
rantings of a person who has no reason to be as sure of himself as he is.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
not you jason, not you
Now I know the point of this blog is to run attractive women down and knock movies everyone knows is good just to be an asshole. But I am reviewing a new movie as a favor to you to treat this movie like a jacket made of cobras and stay away.
When you agree to see a movie with Jason Statham you're kind of surrendering your right to complain about the story and the acting but that's not where I'm going.
But while I'm here.
I've always kind of thought hitman movies were stupid. How am I supposed to like a character who murders people for money? He's a fucking parasite on humanity and I'm supposed to be sad when he's sad? Its a harder road block to get by then the fact that all the girls in The Craft were supposed to be high school seniors are all in their mid to late 30s.
Also where the fuck is Neve Campbell now? And did she ever have the nickname soup?
So you meet a hitman, with literally no past. You don't know where he came from, why he has an English accent in an unnamed southern state with jazz clubs. A hitman who kills someone you have no idea if they did anything wrong in the first place OTHER than he wronged a guy with enough money and connections to be killed. So people use the term "character you don't care about" a lot but in this case it really does matter. For my next run on sentence that goes nowhere I'd like to bring up the xmen, thank you in advance for your patience. Jason, Jason has a CIA contact and a liaison between him and the contact. The Liaison is Donald Sutherland who at this point is right next to De Niro and Michael Cain as actors who used to be great who will now jerk a horse off on film for the paycheck. Liaison has a past with Statham, non any writer is willing to let you in on, apparently the cohesion of this movie is a private party between the writers and editors. So the one relationship they establish is between Statham and Sutherland, and let me tell you when they are on screen together its like seeing Brando and Pacino together, the force of the moment is captivating. Its really thrilling to see these two be supposed life long friends and yet have the mannerisms and conversation pace like they met each other 8 minutes before the filming.
So CIA contact calls Statham and tells him his life long friend(maybe who knows) is on the take and is jeopardizing missions or whatever and after Statham puts up a vehement and directed 40 second argument defending what is supposed to be his best friend's life he reluctantly agrees to kill him.
So heres how the x-men fits in. Imagine you meet Cyclops, and in the first 8 boxes Cyclops kills someone for money. Then you find out that Cyclops' mentor is Professor X. Enter Magneto, Magneto tells Cyclops, hey your best friend and mentor Charles is a dick and taking money, so you have to kill him, so Cyclops kills him. Cyclops blasts Professor X into being dead and now you are left in a story where you're supposed to like Cyclops. And the analogy is perfect because like Professor X in this movie Donald Liaison Sutherland is in a fucking wheelchair and Statham shoots him in the chest and fucking leaves him in a garage to fucking rot.
So thats all the set up. Statham kills his mentor in the opening of the movie because he was offered money to do it by a guy he has virtually no relationship to and that is your hero of this movie, a murderer of a handicapped man for money.
Enter Ben Foster. Ben plays Sutherlands misbegotten bastardized ne'erdowell of a kid. BF asks Statham to take him under his wing much like his father did. So after a convincing 20 seconds of rejection Statham agrees to do so and training begins. They murder people and who gives a shit about it.
A startlingly hilarious turn of events however is when Statham has Foster murder another hitman who just so happens to live in the same town as Statham. What are the odds? So anyways in no shock CIA/Magneto turns out to be not a credible success and Statham realizes that he killed Sutherland for no reason and Sutherland was a square guy all along. What is upsetting however is he figures it out when he sees a hitman he believes to be dead due to Sutherland's misdoings alive...at the bus station... in the same town that Statham lives in. Again what are the odds? What are the odds 3 international high profile professional fucking killers all live in the same fucking town. Its kind of insulting to write this out so simply.
To sum up the story Foster eventually learns that Statham killed his father and in a nice revenge subplot to the movie after Statham gets revenge on the CIA contact Foster.......is murdered after trying to exact revenge for his father's death. You think the movie is going to be satisfying in any way and it ends like it was a real movie. It has a No Country for Old Men ending in a fucking Jason Statham fuckpile of a movie. The whole movie goes nowhere and in the process doesn't include any sort of jumping roundhouse kicks.
you expect this
and get this
The reason I am doing this is because when you see a Statham movie you throw expectations of a good cohesive easy to follow story with character depth and wither a moral/statement or a movie that challenges you as a viewer. And in exchange for your sense of worth you get..............cool things. Ax fights, car chases, guys being killed by ladders, dudes kicking fire hoses into peoples faces. TITS! And so on. Other than tits none of that happened. I accidentally saw a really bad Nicolas Cage/Casper Van Dien movie(and thats the level cage is at now) thinking I was going to see a Jason Statham movie. The mechanic is a deal breaker with Statham. We worked something out and now he's thrown a wrench into the gears. This movie threw out the story which is to be expected. But then it did something I didn't see coming. It decided to not be exciting either. Which to me is the shocker.
So you watch a movie with no real gun fights or standoffs no characters you care about. And that's just not something people say. You literally learn nothing about Statham in this movie. He has no past you don't know where he came from or his family or training....anything. Its actually pretty amazing. You learn more about the kid who shot Omar than you do Statham. You learn more about the aliens in War of the Worlds. You learn more about Zed in Pulp Fiction.
So there it is. A stranger you don't know or care about kills a man in a wheelchair, later cons his son into killing some people including a man who's family you meet and then kills the son. Fuck your feelings. I started like 5 paragraphs with "so"
When you agree to see a movie with Jason Statham you're kind of surrendering your right to complain about the story and the acting but that's not where I'm going.
But while I'm here.
I've always kind of thought hitman movies were stupid. How am I supposed to like a character who murders people for money? He's a fucking parasite on humanity and I'm supposed to be sad when he's sad? Its a harder road block to get by then the fact that all the girls in The Craft were supposed to be high school seniors are all in their mid to late 30s.
Also where the fuck is Neve Campbell now? And did she ever have the nickname soup?
So you meet a hitman, with literally no past. You don't know where he came from, why he has an English accent in an unnamed southern state with jazz clubs. A hitman who kills someone you have no idea if they did anything wrong in the first place OTHER than he wronged a guy with enough money and connections to be killed. So people use the term "character you don't care about" a lot but in this case it really does matter. For my next run on sentence that goes nowhere I'd like to bring up the xmen, thank you in advance for your patience. Jason, Jason has a CIA contact and a liaison between him and the contact. The Liaison is Donald Sutherland who at this point is right next to De Niro and Michael Cain as actors who used to be great who will now jerk a horse off on film for the paycheck. Liaison has a past with Statham, non any writer is willing to let you in on, apparently the cohesion of this movie is a private party between the writers and editors. So the one relationship they establish is between Statham and Sutherland, and let me tell you when they are on screen together its like seeing Brando and Pacino together, the force of the moment is captivating. Its really thrilling to see these two be supposed life long friends and yet have the mannerisms and conversation pace like they met each other 8 minutes before the filming.
So CIA contact calls Statham and tells him his life long friend(maybe who knows) is on the take and is jeopardizing missions or whatever and after Statham puts up a vehement and directed 40 second argument defending what is supposed to be his best friend's life he reluctantly agrees to kill him.
So heres how the x-men fits in. Imagine you meet Cyclops, and in the first 8 boxes Cyclops kills someone for money. Then you find out that Cyclops' mentor is Professor X. Enter Magneto, Magneto tells Cyclops, hey your best friend and mentor Charles is a dick and taking money, so you have to kill him, so Cyclops kills him. Cyclops blasts Professor X into being dead and now you are left in a story where you're supposed to like Cyclops. And the analogy is perfect because like Professor X in this movie Donald Liaison Sutherland is in a fucking wheelchair and Statham shoots him in the chest and fucking leaves him in a garage to fucking rot.
So thats all the set up. Statham kills his mentor in the opening of the movie because he was offered money to do it by a guy he has virtually no relationship to and that is your hero of this movie, a murderer of a handicapped man for money.
Enter Ben Foster. Ben plays Sutherlands misbegotten bastardized ne'erdowell of a kid. BF asks Statham to take him under his wing much like his father did. So after a convincing 20 seconds of rejection Statham agrees to do so and training begins. They murder people and who gives a shit about it.
A startlingly hilarious turn of events however is when Statham has Foster murder another hitman who just so happens to live in the same town as Statham. What are the odds? So anyways in no shock CIA/Magneto turns out to be not a credible success and Statham realizes that he killed Sutherland for no reason and Sutherland was a square guy all along. What is upsetting however is he figures it out when he sees a hitman he believes to be dead due to Sutherland's misdoings alive...at the bus station... in the same town that Statham lives in. Again what are the odds? What are the odds 3 international high profile professional fucking killers all live in the same fucking town. Its kind of insulting to write this out so simply.
To sum up the story Foster eventually learns that Statham killed his father and in a nice revenge subplot to the movie after Statham gets revenge on the CIA contact Foster.......is murdered after trying to exact revenge for his father's death. You think the movie is going to be satisfying in any way and it ends like it was a real movie. It has a No Country for Old Men ending in a fucking Jason Statham fuckpile of a movie. The whole movie goes nowhere and in the process doesn't include any sort of jumping roundhouse kicks.
and get thisThe reason I am doing this is because when you see a Statham movie you throw expectations of a good cohesive easy to follow story with character depth and wither a moral/statement or a movie that challenges you as a viewer. And in exchange for your sense of worth you get..............cool things. Ax fights, car chases, guys being killed by ladders, dudes kicking fire hoses into peoples faces. TITS! And so on. Other than tits none of that happened. I accidentally saw a really bad Nicolas Cage/Casper Van Dien movie(and thats the level cage is at now) thinking I was going to see a Jason Statham movie. The mechanic is a deal breaker with Statham. We worked something out and now he's thrown a wrench into the gears. This movie threw out the story which is to be expected. But then it did something I didn't see coming. It decided to not be exciting either. Which to me is the shocker.
So you watch a movie with no real gun fights or standoffs no characters you care about. And that's just not something people say. You literally learn nothing about Statham in this movie. He has no past you don't know where he came from or his family or training....anything. Its actually pretty amazing. You learn more about the kid who shot Omar than you do Statham. You learn more about the aliens in War of the Worlds. You learn more about Zed in Pulp Fiction.
So there it is. A stranger you don't know or care about kills a man in a wheelchair, later cons his son into killing some people including a man who's family you meet and then kills the son. Fuck your feelings. I started like 5 paragraphs with "so"
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