For the life of me I can't tell you why S.W.A.T. was a bad movie, plot wasn't bad acting was good enough....execution? Fuck knows.

conspiracy theory

I can't prove this, but I've seen Katherine Heigl smoking electronic cigarettes so many times now on various celeb news websites that its becoming pretty obvious that she's been paid to be seen using the product, she even talked about it on Letterman.

If this is true is she the most despicable celebrity in Hollywood. I've always suspected some celebrities getting paid under the table money to promote smoking, I don't really care if they do it though, I just don't like Heigl. Or women.

gay people are so fucking gay

I have no ill-will towards gay people or their causes and if it was up to me it would be a federal law for them to have the same rights as straight people. I fully admit I use "faggot" and "homo" daily as insults and use the term "gay" to put things down but I don't subscribe to the "gay people are inferior" horse shit. I love Morrissey, Rufus Wainwright and David Bowie And I realize that is a really long lead in for something that isn't that offensive to begin with, but I have to say it.

Just because a movie is a big deal to gay people it doesn't make it good. There are 2 good songs in Hedwig. Tootsie was not a good movie. John Waters isn't particularly funny. Brokeback Mountain took forever to get going and Jake Gyllenhaal was TERRIBLE in it. Sean Penn's accent in Milk was hilarious and distracting. Denzel was better in Philadelphia than Hanks. Every movie now where dudes make out its suddenly a big deal, I just heard that Dicapprio and the twin guy from Social Network filmed their kissing scene. Why is this a big deal? Because gay people make it one.

Gay people need to stop making such a big deal about themselves, they are culturally significant but because they have big roles in the media they over blow it. They went through a lot but there are more people in this country that support them that don't and if they had the numbers they claim to then they would win every election.

That being said I'm Boston Irish and culturally we have contributed next to nothing outside of maybe 10 patents and an annual Academy nomination for an overdone accent. The 2 nicest houses in my town are owned by gay people and whenever I drive by them I am awestruck by their beauty. I wish everyone on my street were gay couples.

That also being said I find The Birdcage to be one of the funniest movies of all time and Robin Williams needs to come out.

Instead of redoing classics hollywood should start redoing movies with good plots that just didn't work out for whatever reason. And let's start with Alexander.

LOTR IS LOL PT2 PT2

Its like the movie knew I was rolling my eyes. Back to Rudy and The Gummy Bear. I put Rudy first because unlike gummy Rudy actually has dialog and is smart enough to not trust the horrible CGI Monkey. So they're walking still. That's about all I've picked up. Gummy Bear just had a seizure. Fell in the water. Wow. The cgi ghosts underwater is really bad. This movie is 8 years old not 28. The ghosts look like the smog thing from Ferngully. Its OK though I've seen this movie and they will never be seen or heard from again. CGI Monkey and Gummy Bear are talking. I guess this is when back story is revealed about the monkey. So I'm gonna go refreshen my drink.

So Magneto is back and....more walking I guess. Here's a slow-mo shot of a horse....this is fucking really stupid, its a 9 hour+ series of fucking movies how the fuck did this make the cut this is just padding. Its like a fucking Enya video. Its still going on. I don't know much about horses so maybe I'm missing something. But seriously who gives a shit about these faggot cowdogs. They have 5 stories going on at the same time and its not impossible to follow but it definitely doesn't have to be like this and any credit the director gets is really fucking misplaced. Another fucking jump back to Rudy and the CGI Monkey and Gummy Bear. I've decided to give Gummy Bear third billing because he flat out stopped talking at this point and replaced dialog with looking like he did frog heroin with his green skin and eyes closed constantly with the stumbling and the only fucking thing he does is keeps fucking dying. Bill Murray dying in Groundhog's Day meant more than this. The Worf army is marching and forming, guess this wasn't covered yet. If this movie took out the things that keep repeating it'd be fucking 45 minutes long and I'd probably like it. Honestly who likes these clusterfuck movies? They go nowhere and introduce characters like its the fucking Bad Girls Club, no regard for where we are in the story or who is where, hey heres 6 new people who's name you're supposed to know when other people reference them. I have no fucking clue what Eastern Promises name is how am I supposed to know the 3 kings fucking names and the cities they rule?

This broad has a five head, forehead is so big it is now a five head. Who? I don't know, I didn't know reading the fucking book was a prerequisite to get through this convoluted mass of shit. Instead of having 100 characters doing marginal things have fucking 7 do incredible things. Its a fantasy movie its ok if the Wizard casts a fucking spell that makes a difference, or the fucking asshole with the sword is one guy instead of fucking 19. The fucking King is still possessed?!?!?!? Fucking get this over with! The eastern promises crew + magneto are gonna try and talk to him. Fucking guy is crush goth. He looks like he could sing for Behemoth. 2 Behemouth references is a bit much but whatever it works. Lord Ov The Rings. So far still only one ring. Several lords. This exorcism is quite drawn out, OK enough already with the fucking power of Magneto compelling him just fucking get this over with. Goth Alan Rickman doesn't get killed for trying to kill the king? Really? Hang him or something, its the fucking Middle ages draw and quarter him! More of the Rudy crew observing military exercises. This movie is in a cycle of boring. At least play Slayer - War Ensemble. It was made for this fucking moment.

Cut to Eastern Promises and the gang. The troll fell off a horse. Was this supposed to be funny? Christopher Reeve isn't laughing you cock suckers! So eastern promises is dead. Fell off a cliff when a hyena tackled him or something. Oh wait no he didn't in what could be the least shocking reveal ever he's still alive. This movie refuses to kill off people. At this point life and death in this movie means less to me than VH1 telling me Tina Turner is attractive.

So they're setting up a big battle. And it must be a big one because its been about a half hour now of people sharpening swords and talking to each other about nothing. Annnd here comes a fight. I guess. Still fighting. Arrows and.... all sorts of shit I've seen in a million movies. The fight scene is nice but I mean. This is it. Its just a big fight and this is what the point of the movie and it took 2 hours to fucking get to and nothing happened before it and now they cut away from it to go back to the Rudy crew just walking and being tired, thats fine they can stay tired and walking, there is a mammoth scale battle going on I don't give a fuck about them and its your fucking fault. Every time you put them on I roll my fucking eyes. Its sticking out more than...yeah I'll do another Face/Off reference. Its getting to the point where I'm trying to like this movie and what its doing and its so fucking impossible to believe in like when Pollux Troy's interaction when his brother Castor(Cage on the outside Travolta on the inside) was asking him questions about their crimes in the past to incriminate them and Pollux had the foresight and intuition to be suspicious of the situation like he knew about a face transplant fucking surgery to his own fucking brother and partner in crime. A little wordy but it works. Pterodactyl attack kind of awesome. First time I've typed that in two movies, and looking like the last. Something really scary about Pterodactyls. Something pitch black didn't really get right and something Reign of Fire completely missed. Flying death creatures that don't have feathers or any reason to let you live are fucking terrifying.

Magneto is back again. For the 4th time. And he wipes out an army of 10k with 80 guys on horses. If this guy was so great why did he leave them in the first place? Seems like a couple thousand people died just so this queef can make an entrance. Now the trees are fighting. Who even gives a shit? This is some captain planet shit. Trees angry at deforestation. Why is no one alarmed that trees can talk and move? They run into these trees and act like its a given. Self pity party with Rudy and Gummy Bear. Write a fucking AFI song about it you two mopey bitches. They do have a point though, the biggest part of the movie at least in theory is these two fucking guys and I am out and out shocked no one is helping these pieces of shit. They have 8 races of things trying to fight these armies and fucking no one is even helping these stiffs besides a fucking bald gibbon who is trying to fuck them over every chance he fucking gets.


Haha here comes a montage! They're just replaying parts of the fights now while Rudy cries and tries to motivate Gummy Bear. Again, you are a 9 hour movie, and when you just fucking repeat the same scenes over and over its ridiculous. When you fucking stop the movie and replay a montage of past scenes its fucking insulting.

LOTR IS LOL PT2 PT1

I have a confession. I was half way through the 3rd LOTR when about 15 minutes into it I realized it wasn't the second.

So here we go

The lord of the rings 2 the two towers. Kind of a bad decision to name this movie like this. Especially in 2002. Especially when there's no attention drawn to the towers. Really gorgeous opening scene in the mountains but then they ruin it by going back to the movie. New Zealand is a gorgeous place I'd love to never go it. Anyways. They open up with Magneto fighting the big monster that's bigger than the other monsters. Anyways Donkey Kong falls and a minute later magneto falls. What sucks though is despite Donkey Kong being much bigger and made out of stone magneto somehow catches up to him during the plummet into the....inner mountain abyss? Anyway he catches up and fights Donkey Kong in mid air and they both hit the ground and die. I realized at this point that the movie doesn't give a shit about the concrete reality of dying but now physics can just go fuck itself too.

Nothings happening right now so I'll type this here. Lord of the Rings? Rings? More than one? I only see one ring. What is this about? Its bad enough this movie was named just to taunt dead fireman (The Two Towers, released in 2002) now they have to add in an unnecessary pluralization? Its uncomfortable and it sticks out like the height and weight difference in face/off between Travolta and Cage. How did his wife not notice that her husband no longer had tits? Or grew half a foot? Or was gay? Or was somehow less talented despite being void of talent to begin with?

So then back to this shit and back to the most boring part of the movie which unfortunately involves the main character, Rudy and Gummy Bear capture a badly done CGI Monkey. Its the second movie now and they haven't made any attempt to give any back story other than they're short and they found a ring so now they're making up for it by giving me way too fucking much of it. CGI Monkey calls the ring precious and does so many times that it starts to make me ache for the boring scenes that aren't them. Anyways Gummy Bear trusts the CGI Monkey and Rudy doesn't. Rudy seems to be right based on the monkeys constant attempts at MURDERING THEM.

So the evil wizard guy who will be known as DraculaWizard is amassing an army of Worf's from Star Trek the Next Generation. And a big eye is overseeing it. The bad guy of these movies by the way is an eye. Kind of ....not intimidating. The worlds great evil is subject to demise from sand and cum shots. The evil ruler of the world could just be ignored and walked away from? Not having a physical form is a big mistake, with out there being an ultimate evil personified this movie really is just reduced to Worfs, pterodactyl riding ghost knights and CGI Monkey.

Ok so they're concentrating on the Girl Elf the Unfunny troll and Eastern Promises. They're running, which is good because Rudy and Gummy Bear are just walking and to be honest are kind of half assing it. Still running...I'm half expecting them to get to the ocean and turn around. So they run to the other ocean and turn around. When they got tired they slept. When they got hungry they ate. When they had to........you know.



They went.

I'm not even half way through this fucking shitpile.

fleeting thought

Imagine your mom or wife works at a jewelry store and she's killed in a robbery when she didn't even trigger the alarm. A thief just loses his mind and shoots her.

Now that would suck in it of itself. What would be worse is learning that among the robbers was an undercover police officer who was armed and just watched the whole thing happen doing nothing to stop it. Your wife and several other innocent people is murdered and a cop and a entire police department did nothing to stop it despite knowing where the robbery was gonna be and were waiting outside to spring. But didn't wanna just arrest them before the robbery happened so they could prosecute the thieves for a longer sentence.

So instead of just blowing the whole thing up for conspiracy now your loved one is dead.


bleed out you son of a bitch

sean penn, benecio del torro, ryan reynolds, derek jeter, justin timberlake, josh hartnett, pete yorn, and to a lesser extent topher grace, patrick wilson, and jared leto, i guess talent isn't an std

LOTR IS LOL part1

So I'm going to try and point out how stupid and really mundane the lotr movies are by just writing a general summary. And to do this I'm subjecting myself to 12 hours of a movie that I genuinely don't like. If I repeat myself its not to be redundant but only because the events described happens more than once. Which isn't shocking because 3 3hour+ movies have the same shit over and over.

So we open on a stupid gummy bear village with stumpy trolls who have haircuts like they're in shitty interpol cover acts. This fuckpot of a place looks like a bad renaissance fair. This looks like a nightmare to live in. I'd fucking eat glass if I was born in these times. Living in hills and being goat height. Fucking miserable pricks. Anyways I'm dragging on about something the producers and art direction spent maybe 40 minutes on setting up. So let's move on to the actual set up of this movie.

The set up!! One of the gummy bears finds a ring. And that's it by chance a ring is found. There you go. A ring. So anyways an electric wizard comes across the gummy bear and recognizes the ring. Apparently the ring is haunted and they have to bring said ring to a volcano to destroy it. The volcano is really really far away and the only way to get there is to walk. Horses are out of the question apparently. But then again they need to stretch out a movie out of a introductory book where nothing really happens. I can't believe anyone made it to the second book. Or the second star wars.

Gummy bear is of course upset about this immeasurable task and is completely overwhelmed by the scale of it, magneto convinces him to do it in about 40 seconds, magneto then reveals after that wizard won't help him right away, or get them a horse or even a sword or a magic spell and makes a defenseless gummy bear walk a really long distance to some shitty bar. While on the way to the shitty bar the gummy bear and his gummy pals(Rudy, band guy from lost, and the other) almost get caught, but don't thus avoiding something happening.

Anyway once they get to the bar they run into a guide, sent by no one and his very appearance is kind of strange, or maybe he was sent to protect the gummy bear. Either way its a waste of time. So after they fake out some evil ghosts with pillows they walk a really long distance. To an elf castle. While on the way to the elf castle the gummy bear suffers a fatal stabbing but lives....for no reason.

Anyways while at the elf castle David Bowie elf tells gummy bear, the magneto and gang that...yeah they gotta go throw the ring into the volcano. To get there they'd have to travel over some mountains and stuff. Not realizing between the 17 of them that mountain travel can be pretty heavy in a climatic they walk a really long distance just to turn around. They then decide to take the subway. While in the subway they run into a pile of yet another small race of subhumans that I will call gremlins and they have resident evil 4 giants.



One of the giants even kills the gummy bear. But for no real apparent reason he lives, thus pretty much defeating the value of any of the adversaries in this movie as killable pieces of shit that even when they kill you it doesn't matter because you'll live. Oh well. The gummy bear has died more times than Hugh Jackman did in the prestige. Despite being armed with no rocket launchers the crew eventually kill the fuck out of the re4 giants and start killing some of the gremlins. But then there's a bigger giant that they're supposed to not be able to kill despite killing the last giants pretty easily. And while they're running away magneto dies.

So they get out of the subway and they meet up with a lady who for some reason wasn't casted as Tilda Swinton. Who by the way must be the least attractive woman I've masturbated to multiple times.



Wow this one elf at elf endor looks like a combination of John Lovitz and Tomas Kaberle. Funniest quote of the movie so far is when draculawizard is trying to motivate the army of worf from star trek the next generations "YOU WILL TASTE MAN FLESH" If I directed this movie I'd have one orc in pink garb go "thweet"

So then they're attacked by a gang of worf from the next generations after a thrilling canooeing scene. And in the magnificently over in 2 minutes fight Trevalin from GoldenEye and GoldenEye64 is killed and it would suck if you had any idea who the guy was had he been introduced or explained given any back story or maybe god forbid had more than 4 speaking lines and how he was at all different then the other guy who looked just like him that was in eastern promises but fuck you he's dead DEEEEEEEEEAL with it.

Anyways they split up. 9 guys go one way and Rudy and gummy bear go another. It makes no sense why they only have like 9 guys. The fate of the world depends on killing the ring you'd think there would be armies but there aren't. And even with out the army maybe 5 guys could've gone with the gummy bear that's already been fatally stabbed twice. But hey what do I know. Apparently I'm just a dickhead.