so pitted.

To Die Another Day is on cable. Its fucking disgusting. Brosnan and Halle Berry have the on screen chemistry of two cardboard boxes stacked at a offsetting angles in a musky warehouse. Alas, rather than hammer a shit movie into the ground I'd rather knock a good one.

Brad Pitts acting in Inglorious Basterds missed tongue and cheek campy and just went on to distracting and poor. I can't believe Eli Roth was better at making the jewbear who yelled out about "Teddy Ball Game" and "Fenway Fucken Pahhhhk" seem more believable than Pitt did with a hardened army platoon leader. Pitt's been such a great actor in the past too that this came as a real surprise. I think he has at least, maybe he hasn't, I don't know. Just about everybody in this fuck movie out does Pitt, people I never heard of or saw before make Pitt look like an overdone asshole. The fucking shit from The American Office shines next to him, its not even fair to bring up "The Jew Hunter" in comparison but for fuck sakes the german actress lady and the british agent blow Pitt out of the water. It gets to the point where you begin to resent Tarantino for letting it go on. But then I noticed that in parts it becomes less overbearing and awful.

The first scene when he says he would like to get his nat-zee scalps is fucking piss poor. Its Pierce Brosnan bad, if not worse. It crushes the movie at parts. It just undoes your ability to fall into a movie like in any part of the movie like when a phone number has 555 in it or when a movie has a voice over which is another outdated lazy way of making a movie. If you can't articulate through scenes what you're trying to convey then just fucking don't make movies. However later in the movie the whole act kind of gets watered down a little, I like to think Tarantino had a talk with Pitt. Much like the one he had to have with Travolta, except he asked Pitt to stop sucking on film and HERE COMES A GAY JOKE ABOUT TRAVOLTA. I know movies are seldom filmed chronologically but it seems like the longer the movie went the less and less the accent and diction was a problem.

I realize no one else may share my views on things but its so fucking distracting when you try to accept another reality and someone does something to remind you that you're just looking at light and sound. Brad Pitt kept knocking me out of being able to suspend belief. Now it seems like I'm knocking Pitt but I never watch Daniel Day Lewis movies and go "dude thats fucken ddl" when he's acting. Every time Pitt talked it seemed like I was saying "heres brad again being a dick". When I watched scary movies as a kid my cousin told me "its only a movie they're actors I never get scared" and I wondered what the fuck is the point of watching movies then? If you can defeat the whole point of immersion than why bother watching anything in the fuck first place?! I always thought the whole point of a movie was to get into the idea of a story taking place and you were looking in on it. When you just think "I'm looking at actors doing their job" to me its just worthless. Its almost as unfortunate as Heather Graham's career after she thought that she didn't have to show her tits anymore.

And to answer your question YES I decided to attack Pitt based on his relationship with Clydesdale Jolie. And to answer your other question Swordfish is openly celebrating the repeal on don't ask don't tell. This will make like 8 posts in a row with the Swordfish tag.

Speaking of out of control flying homosexuality.

For those of you who didn't see this Hugh Jackman got hurt while ziplining in to Oprah.

What it doesn't say in this report is that the professionals who set up the rig weren't to blame for the lack of brakes but it was a cruel joke by one of them for saying "theres a big dick at the bottom" Jackman was worked up into a froth and went recklessly down the zipline with no caution in what Oprah producers referred to as "cock fever".

yes i could have worded all that better but its like 2 and i'm fucking spent

Sherlock Holmes

I'm now typing this review or synopsis or complaint in real time as the movie goes, wanted to try this for a while.


not a good start.


Now I love Downey JR but its movies like this that make me think he wasted a couple months where he could've been filming something wonderful. I suppose I'll feel the same way when I have to see due date. OK this is my second time watching this movie.....and I have no fucking clue what its about.

Downey does a great English accent and I wish I dressed like every man in this movie and had their mustaches. Is this bad guy Stanley Tucci? He looks just like him. Kind of happy his teeth are horrendous. I'm glad another movie wasn't scared enough to bring back the drug a human as to fool a medical professional into thinking they are dead only to secretly be in a coma...or movie or...WHY DO PEOPLE WRITE THIS SHIT. It happening in a fun tongue and cheek semi-comedy semi-action semi-history piece movie like this a fake death can happen without me feeling like a shitfiend. But in Salt a movie I'm supposed to take seriously its just fucking offensive.

Rachel McAdams by the way does a wonderful job of convincing everyone that she is alive even though obviously she is dead. I like to think that Rachel McAdams is cast as an American woman because she couldn't possibly do the entire movie in an English accent. Especially when she can barely do an American one. She is very attractive lady. Annnnnnnd that's about it. She is so utterly replaceable and frankly out of place in this movie a muppet would've stuck out less. The guy who cast her as "the mystique clever femme semi-fatal who may be playing both sides" is such a poor fucking choice. I could talk her into fucking me. I'd just open up recent photos and a list of work of Jennifer Love Hewitt and look at her and say, "this is your future". She would become so instantly depressed and manic that she'd almost have to fuck me just so she doesn't feel sad anymore, well its either fuck me or burn herself with a cigarette lighter, right then.

I guess if Jude Law wasn't standing next to RDjr throughout this entire movie he would be charming and handsome. This was a bad movie choice for Law. He might never be cast again after this fucking blunder. What is he going to bill himself as now? He does the 2nd best English accent in this movie(to an American). He is the second most charming English man in this movie (to an American). He is the second most attractive man(to an American). I can picture his manager and agent picking up phone calls for people who are looking to cast "unlikable Ewen McGregor" or "snarky younger less talented douchier Gary Oldman".

At some point the fucking scientist who finalized the movie script assumed the entire audience would be chemists. What the fuck are these people talking about? Stop making references to powders and compounds like I'm a 19th century alchemist. I could watch this movie pausing to get filled in by Bill Nye and still miss gigantic plot points. The fact that I can't name another(or an actual) chemist is kind of disheartening.

Are you sure the bad guy isn't Stanley Tucci?

Mark Strong, not Stanley Tucci
Stanley Tucci not Mark Strong

Does anyone understand this secret order free masony sub plot? My nose whistles when I breathe out, its the most entertaining part about this movie right now. I sit around killing time until RDjr is back on screen the guy is a complete delight. I love the band saw scene. He's about to cut Rachel Mcadams in half via a fucking bandsaw in a slaughter house. Makes me think that the guy is just dastardly. Later he's gonna tie her to train tracks or hand cuff her next to a bomb with a long fuse, then he's gonna enter the Wacky Races with his dog Mutly.



Its the ending of this movie that's so offensive. What the fuck even happens? They try to summarize things up in a rush of flashbacks but it just becomes fucking confusing. When a writer of a movie buries you under boxes of questions it sucks when you don't get to open them individually and enjoy the answers. Instead the movie just rips you from under the pile and says "dude fuck those boxes who needz em?!" Now you're out of the boxes and suddenly the credits are rolling and you're left with 0 answers other than the cliffhanger ending. Which is tremendous for me. Because now I refuse to see the sequel.

This is why this movie is a disappointment. RDjr is one of the best actors of all time and he's in a movie with an ok cast and a great plot to a movie being a period piece of a brilliant quirky detective foiling a plot to over throw a government. And when it lands hot piss short of it its as upsetting as seeing that Bruce Willis' version of 'Under the Board Walk' making a Best of Motown compilation multi-disc set. This movie had Marvin Gaye for an actor and The Funk Brothers for a setting and plot and then had Ke$ha for a story execution. I'm fucking freezing.

I love the chase scene in point break. It single handedly inspired my pitbull tossing policy. See a pitbull. Toss it at someone. Run. Brilliant.

Angelina Jolie finishes second all time in the list of celebrities people tell me are attractive but really aren't. JUST behind the winner Tina Turner and a distant 3rd being Uma Thurman.

If I could draw. All day every day I'd draw dinosaurs fucking. Or sharks. Sharks fucking dinos. Dinosaurs wearing snorkels just to get fucked by sharks.

Horror Business 1! 2! redux

Ok i got side tracked last time lets give this another shot.

simple changes i would give to the horror genre in an attempt to salvage itself from the factory of shit it has become.


2 new ghoulies that are actually scary that the audience does not end up rooting for.


I have to say predator deserves some if not all of the blame here

I feel like I'm over stepping the horror genre by adding in movies like Predator but to be honest horror is a really really bad genre and the theory of a Predator is 100xs scarier than any ghost toddler. Ant-jawed space hunter who kills for sport with advanced technology with no room for reasoning or bargaining with. He's like a pit bull that can turn invisible and laser beam you or gut you via wrist sword. He probably has the shotgun/sword combo too that's like virtually unbeatable. Now compare that to some kid who died on a farm. Not as scary. In fact I feel like any kid ghost could easily defeated.

I'm also at the point now in my life where I don't find the new incarnate of ghosts scary. cold looking children with dethklok makeup in shitty hipstery clothes aren't scary and their recycled use at this point is just overkill. There's only so many times a movie about "evil experiments" before that jetski has run aground.

Ring
Sarah michelle key movie
That movie with the farm house thing
Quarantined
The Others
Orphanage
the movie with Rogue in the darkness thing
Silent Hill
The movie with the kid in the basement and the dentist chair

I hate to give any credit to the shitty Rob Zombie movies but those two hunks of shit and The Strangers had a good concept of "some people are just fucked and evil" Now I say I hate to give Rob Zombie credit because his movies were at best Texas Chainsaw remakes with a awful hot topic twist that did away with tension and replaced it with batshit. But they knew their audience, they gave their audience (teens) the best reasoning for the homicidal rage that the audience experience every day are up against. None. No reason to act the way they do and no reason for them to have the grief put upon them is damaging to think about. Its different when people go into a cave or the woods or an abandoned camp or scenarios you know you'll never be a part of. But in that movie The Strangers it was just people in a house that were killed just because they were there. Now granted that movie sucked shit and there was no real suspense in it because everything was rushed to get to the climax and the climax itself was kind of chilling in a way but still lacked on a great finish. Or it didn't and I'm just a prick. I don't mean to knock the movie but the premise of bored teenagers just killing people because they were home and torturing them could really be terrifying if done well. Which it wasn't.where the fuck am i?

its amaaaaaaaazing.

Now the glaring problem with my comparison is that for anyone who wants a monster as scary as the Predator there is the fact that no one on this earth is anti-Predator.
In predator and especially Predator 2 the Predator couldn't kill enough humans. There literally is not enough death to dispense evenly around LA gangs, drug lords, cops with mustaches, people on trains no one was likable and all I wanted was blood. I don't care if my family was on screen I wanted tri-lasers to their faces and arm swords through their miserable carcasses. How dare my friends and family stand in the way of my mandible Christ.

So thats what needs to happen, I'm not helping much by saying this but, you need a new scary monster that gets people to root against him to win. By the time the new Jason and Freddy movies came around I was just going to see them kill people. If possible I would've liked to skip the story all together and just concentrate on the murders.

woody...hahahahaha get it?

You ever lay down at night and realize your opening thought is about to cost you an hour of sleep? Like you took a sip of fourloko and now you're gonna be up and above all completely illogical in your thinking for the next several minutes slugging your self esteem with a shovel.

Wait....disregard that whole fucking thing.

Writing about Woody Allen movies at this point is kind of disgusting. Especially when my launching point is Manhattan and Annie Hall, these are basically the only two. But in all actuality it extends to the common question/punchline brought up in Woody Allen movies. Why does small unattractive Woody always get really attractive younger woman. And the answer is simple.

He is a Millionaire Jew living in Manhattan with a fucking career in show business. The women he is fucking in these movies are beneath him! I don't get why people get on Woody for always casting himself to be the counterpart to a beautiful woman. I'm honestly trying to figure out why he wouldn't be banging a young attractive woman. Dude has apartments in Manhattan for fucks sake, as far as i know thats like owning Pepsi at this point.


anyways lets get to why I really broke like this.

Vicky Christina Barcelona makes me feel like such an inadequate piece of fuckslop.Vicky Christina Barcelona believe it or not takes place in fucking god damn it Barcelona, and involves what could be the pinnacle of everything every uncultured American piece of garbage like me hates. A well read, well to do, Spanish painter living in an antique breath taking Spanish sprawling villa. Meanwhile I watch hockey and I watched that entire movie thinking "wow this sucks thank god I will never be there."

WHAT HUMAN BEING DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO SPAIN?!?!?!?
I really am an inferior piece of shit in every way to Javier Bardem. Jesus Christ you fucking baby. So well there's nothing better for me to do in a situation like this than to completely slag an attractive woman.

Penelope Cruz could be the most attractive girl on this shitty rock of fuck called Earth and on top of it is a fantastic actress. So now you're thinking, I thought you would be smashing an attractive woman, well guess what dick there is another A list set of tits in this movie, The other set unfortunately is not nearly of talented. This is why Allen is brilliant, what better way to spike Cruz's effort in this movie as the beautiful and fiery Spanish woman than to pair her with what could be the flattest actress in modern cinema, Scarlett Johansson. This pairing did so little for Scarlett Johansson After the world saw her in this movie she basically get blown off the screen consistently over and over by Cruz. She packed in the idea of her as an indy thrill and immediately gave up the heavy acting scene and booked Iron Man 2.

Watching her be all angry in Spanish is just crazy and a major turn on and I can only assume for an American woman helps her feel just as obsolete compared to how Javier Bardem makes me feel.

Its ironic I watch this movie while my lady friend is in Europe, it coincides perfectly with me obsessing that she is doing nothing but fucking Spanish and Italian men while I sit here in my ocean of inadequacy writing about fucking Woody Allen movies. Which I couldn't blame her. If I was her I'd fuck European guys. I'm sitting here too tired to play xbox. What type of piece of garbage is too tired to play xbox? And not even well mind you, I have a fucking .89 k/d ratio last fucking match. Why do people sign up to play Domination if they are not going to commit to the game type. Fluffing their K/Ds in objective games is the truest sign of a fucking child. Its easy to shoot people when they're laying down prone next to a flag for 50 seconds. Right now Javier Bardem is drinking 30 year old wine while I'm toiling away on Call of who gives a fucksduty.
>


Scarlett is so over her head in these movies its fucking crazy. These are heavy character driven stories and she is so flat that its beyond ironic her body is so not flat. Scarlett Johansson is an atrocious inarticulate actress. And as bad as completely overshadowed Johansson is by Cruz Johansson overshadows Rebecca Hall. Hall is the Vicky in the story. As bad at depth and the illusion of thought that Johansson has Hall surpasses it with complete staleness and inability to deliver lines to sound like a human being. She seems like she's reading off of cue cards the entire time, Johansson looks like she belongs in the story and doesn't take anything away from it, she's just crushingly boring in it. Its kind of funny that the movie is called Vicky Christina and both of them turn into afterthoughts in their title roles. It would be like Robocop being about Murphy's friend that you meet 35 minutes into the movie, and then in the final hour Murphy's friend completely steals the movie from Murphy and ED-209.




Anyways this post comes from frustration and inadequacy.
And because I realize if I was ever in a situation like this I wouldn't be Cruz, I wouldn't be Johansson, I'd be boring as life Hall.

This is a cave in.

Julianne Moore is such a douchebag and inferior doctor in the fugitive. She also could be the most attractive redhead of all time.

Demi Moore is a better actress than she was getting credit for back in the mid 90s. Too bad she never had the body of work. Except for her fucken tits dude daha

Jurassic Park 4 part whaterver

So the team that John Hammond Jr. (Nicolas Cage) assembles has to be pretty thick in numbers and varying fields. Reasoning:



1. This is a massive profit margin they could have so the investors and Ingen would send a gigantic team
2 Its a massive undertaking to do upkeep remodeling heard up dinos start making new ones and protect everyone involved
3 some have to be girls so we can see their stupid tits.
4 All these people have to die in entertaining ways

Before you have any problem with any of these actors don't worry. They're going to die.

So the Hero of my movie is Ian Mckay played by Luke Perry, for those of you who think Luke Perry's career is done and its time to pick someone else I say EXACTLY! Luke Perry is undeniable and is destined to rise to the top again and I want to be the Tarantino to his Travolta. Except not as gay. P.S. Swordfish was so gay it was originally pitched as a sequel to Batman Forever.

Anyways Ian along with his dad Dylan. Get it? Dylan Mckay? Luke's name in 90210? The least clever reference ever? YES! Anyway Ian is an animal wrangler in Texas and he will be deemed to be the leader of taking over the emancipated animals and re-caging them. Kind of like the GOP.(get it?) ooof. Moving on, Ian obviously is over his head but since they don't have a lot of people trained in dinosaur breaking and wrangling, we'll suspend disbelief for the time being. And later when he kills a raptor with plasma cutter.

Leading. Man.

Also I'm finding roles for Brian Austin Greene and Ian Ziering.


Anyways every popcorn movie needs a woman supporting actor to wisecrack and challenge gender stereotypes when she can stand up for herself, kind of like how Michelle Rodriguez has over done through out her filmography which has to be amidst its death rattle. So through out my life I've casted the female role of the animal expert "Dr. Sue Aulogeus" a thousand different times. Tiffani-Amber Theisen being the first and most logical. But alas I assume she died in a car accident years ago. Taking with her other hopefulls for this role Rose Mcgowan, Neve Campbell, Shannen Doherty, Katie Holmes, Susan Ward, Fat Jennifer Love Hewitt, Eliza Dushku, Jenna Haze, Alyssa Milano and the one that hurt the most Shannyn Sossamon.

I miss you, please come back.

So with modern day movies and pop culture all thats left is whoever was in Twilight that I couldn't name, whoever Blake Lively is, and Scarlett Johansson who is an atrocious actress who's salary would be waaaay too much for a movie where I'm already paying Nicolas Cage AND Luke Perry and with two A list actors we could have an obscure woman in the movie So with that being said I'd like to resurrect a career that I personally fear is 90% dead in Rosario Dawson. All the above mentioned were people I thought would be around forever, and slowly every single one of their careers exploded into nothingness and I'm out and out shocked they are nowhere to be seen anymore. Occasionally I'll see their name in the summary under

Along with the lead in Ian and the supporting woman with Rosario there has to be a comedic element, now usually I despise comedic relief but this movie needs it because to draw people into a fantasy dinosaur movie and have them obliterated immediately by heavy messages and animal rape and everything crazy and violent the people in the audience will need a laugh. So I'm casting Dave Attell as Dr. Paul Lentaligist. Attell to me is the second funniest human being alive and I would want his first take every time he delivered a line, I'd also demand he ad-lib constantly and give me tips on how to make the movie better. I'm prepared to make a movie with Attell as my Brando.

Paul could play the role of constantly hitting on Sue and making the situation unprofessional. Peaking in a scene where he pulls his dick out and asks her "the deliciousaurus got out of its cage". Here's part of the only dialogue I've settled on lately.


Paul Lentaligist: I'm Paul
Sue Aulogeus: I met you last year at a conference
P: oh I'm sorry I've met so many people over the past couple years I can't remember anyone
S: yeah you were shelling your book
P: which one I have 4 best sellers. Have you ever read one?
S: no I don't read fiction
P: Ouch, that was mean, who's that? *pointing to picture of old man sue just pulled out of her bag*
S: my father
P: *takes picture from her*
*crumbles it up*
*throws it at her*
S: GASP!
P:4 BEST SELLERS YOU SLOB!
*walks off*
S: *cries uncontrollably*


I should spend more time on this. It seems too fucking amazing to not make.

oh wait I brought up Scarlet Johansson so I'm justified in posting this.

soon my brain became stained with the horror.

part two of my not yet determined total of number of ideas to fix horror movies is here. after 0 await here we go.

2 familiarized monsters/antagonists becoming sympathetic protagonists and understanding their plight.

After a while they just become Freddy and Jason and by the 4th time you see them your totally disassociated with the fact their evil and blah you end up rooting for them. Its like Jurassic park 3. By this point you don't care if anyone but the t-rex lives just have something happen on what I think is a movie screen. I hate to go back to Final Destination but when a movie gets you to do nothing but hope the protagonist fail. Then what do you have? You've reversed antagonist and protagonist into a movie where you want the bad guy to kill the people you are supposed to be identifying with. So in theory, modern horror movies have forced their audiences to want themselves to die. Disaster movies don't even achieve that with the new movies. With the exception of Dante's Inferno, which i still fall for constantly when its on tv, nothing worse than expecting an account for one of the most carefully written stories of all time and finding Pierce Brosnan saving people's life with not just his resources in his mind but with brute force and practical application of survival techniques. This movie was so miscast I'm surprised Denise Richards wasn't added in as the respectable nuclear physicist like she was in that fucking James Bond movie from the 90s. Speaking of which do you think if someone gave you 10 days notice an unimaginable amount of resources and cash do you think you could find Denise Richards career?

GAH!!!


Anyways back to the topic, just kidding, more Pierce Brosnan bashing. How could a handsome well spoken British man still miss being charming? He's such an embarrassment to humanity, he's like Europe's version of Hasselhoff. He's so unlikable its remarkable how he missed his calling as an 80s bad guy, my world's exposure to Pierce Brosnan should've started and stopped with Steven Segal or JCVD killing him off by flare gun to propane pipe rupture. I read an interview one time with Pierce where he referred to himself as "anti-Hollywood" and "an old lion that no one wants to approach because I can pick my projects now" this was after he announced he was retiring from the Bond franchise. But in all reality was him covering the fact that he took Halle Berry after her biggest movie role(not the last boyscout) in Monster's Ball and killed 1/3rd of her momentum, the other 1/3rd being her picking comic book movies as follow ups and then eventually destroying it with Gothika. Anyways Berry wins an Oscar as the best actress of the year, when really it was a "you showed your saggy feeders" award.
get a hold of yourself grandma tits

And its true, her boobs are amazing in bras and when free standing they are hilarious. Remember folks you read it here first, Halle Berry has horrendous tits.

as not evidenced here.


Ok back to horror, the horror that was Die Another Day, James Bond's all time worse movie, plot, cast and action sequences. As some of you will remember this movie featured invisible cars that could drive up walls with spike tires, a car that avoided a missile(while upside down sliding on the ice) by popping the ejector seat barrel rolling itself right side up. In the movie Bond also beats an Olympic level fencer in a fencing match that evolved into a sword fight in a fencing club that people just allowed. A high society fencing club full of well to do's just allowed two men to start kicking over knight armor and furniture so two men could do battle with real swords.


This next sentence is so embarrassing that I'm bolding it so people can read it correctly.


Die Another Day also involved Bond para-sailing on a title wave of melted glacier water on a snowmobile ski and a parachute which he rides back to the bad guys lair. Which in itself is offensive, if it was the only surfing sequence in the movie, but it isn't. Bond leads a navy seal like team into North Korea to begin with via aquatic assault from surfing insertion team of a British counterintelligence team, that of course climaxing in a hovercraft chase scene which ends when he jumps from a full throttle hover craft grabbing a bell when the craft goes off the cliff with a bad guy. That right there is pathetic enough but it goes on. Freshly off of the bell debacle Bond races to Antarctica(no seriously) dealing with an evil satellite (no not like golden eye or Under Siege 2) By the way the villain had an electric suit like he was a spiderman villain for fucks sake and his henchman had diamonds infused into his face like he was... a spiderman villain for fucks sake. I add that sentence with a "by the way" because thats exactly how the movie did it. Oh by the way the villain? Super Suit. No lead into the suit, just hey whats up how are you? How's work been? I hear that man, Yeah fucking A man my life's been the same way ever since I got the electric doom suit. See how that sticks out? Die Another Day is beneath Nia Long, Die Another Day was beneath Stacey Dash, let alone Halle Berry at that moment fresh off of an Oscar. That would be like Daniel Day Lewis winning an Oscar and then signing on to be in Fantastic Four.



Now I'm already over-Salt-ing this movie, especially when the post wasn't even supposed to be about the movie in the first place. But in closing the most unbelievable plot was that Bond was held capture by a Korean prisoner camp was tortured with scorpions and all sorts of unspeakable methods of getting info out of him and he never cracked. Pierce Brosnan was too tough to break. Die Another Day was worse than Catwoman. It was that bad. It was as bad as Swordfish, it was as bad as having to pretend John Travolta and Hugh Jackman didn't just wanna rip each others designer jeans off and keep up the illusion that they are two massively closeted homosexuals acting like hetero men through the entire movie of Swordfish(or any movie where they don't play gays) Nothing against gays, its just that those two guys are so clearly gay and do nothing for the community by living lies.

Google but don't hit search "John Travolta" and see what the first search option is, in no surprise it is the second search option when you search "Hugh Jackman".





Swordfish was so gay Halle Berry's tits couldn't even distract from the gay tension between Jackman and Travolta.
Even the cars and stuntmen in Swordfish loved dick.
Swordfish was so gay it should have been called "Swordfights" and featured a scene where Travolta and Jackman rub their corduroy covered erections against each other until a fire started.
Swordfish was so gay Travolta should have done the smoking the cigarette thing that he likes and demands is in his contract in movies(seriously)and then slow danced with Jackman really close until they both start crying and licking each others faces clear of tears.
Swordfish was so gay that it should have featured them passing a maraschino cherry back between each others mouth for the entire 90 minutes.
Swordfish was so gay Nathan Lane should have been in it as the "Jim the heterosexual neighbor".
Swordfish was so gay it should have been called "There is a Swordfish in our fucking gay asses".
Swordfish was so gay it felt like someone brushed 5 o'clock shadow on my neck every day after i saw it for 3 weeks.
Swordfish was so gay marlins asked to be distanced from the product for fear of backlash from conservative christians.
Swordfish was so gay John Travolta AND Hugh Jackman were in it.




wait... this was supposed to be about horror.

Horror Business 1! 2! 3!

Ok as I said like 2 weeks ago I'm going to start giving ideas as to how I would fix modern day horror movies. Just for the sake of this discussion we are going to go with the last 30 years of movies. Obviously the Hitchcock movies have a lot to teach us but those have been discussed at nausea. So 30 year cap. Starting. Now!

1 Suspense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actual suspense!!!! Not the Hollywood version of this in the 21st century. The void of happening. The consequence-free filler. Not having anything happen. Characters pressing pause on themselves and the story line is not suspense. Fuck modern horror movies for even selling that. You don't want the audience sitting around going "holy shit do something" when the whole point of a movie is to take the audience with you on a magic journey of wonderment. When you let a movie kind of just stop and sit there in the absence of anything of anything you've stopped watching a movie and you are now just watching flashing lights that oddly correspond to make images on a wall. To really address suspense you have to go to The Thing.


In The Thing you were hoping shit would stop happening. I actually wished for a quick fix and end the movie an hour sooner than needed. People would get infected spaceship unearthed and you're starting to beg for them to get on a helicopter and drop a nuke. I remember distinctly not even 30 minutes into the movie after already seeing it 3 times hoping they'd just quarantine the parasite successfully host seeker thing and go about maintaining the base for the remaining hour just to avoid my mind having to deal with the stimulation of my terror clit. A horror movie succeeds when you sit there wishing you rented a documentary about a dull military base in the south pole. Its like watching Dune and thinking, I hope there's enough spice for everyone to be happy. The very heat of conflict itself is enough to turn your stomach.

A perfect example of failure to build suspense was when I saw Jason in Space I got mad the title and opening credits took so long because that could've been more Jason killing stuff time. Jason in Space is an awful example of modern horror movies but when the first 20 minutes of a movie seem like a chore in order to get to the conflict you've achieved what I have deemed the Salt wormhole where you've time traveled to the future and you're bullshit the movie hasn't caught up to you.
especially when jason is swinging a girl in a sleeping bag into a tree


The Thing and the original Halloween did an exceptional job of building suspense and they didn't do it in the modern horror sense of just having nothing happen. Like in Final destination having a screw loosen itself slowly when things like that happen you're just building anticipation while you quietly hope someone will die then you realize "holy shit I'm watching a movie where literally nothing is happening." Other than me wanting characters that strive to survive through a horrible ordeal (the point of the movie) to fail and to die.

No matter how obvious they are no one under the age of 35 gets my arthur references.

I love annie hall but whenever alvy addresses the camera in active 4th wall breaking naration I'm like "well I'm just watching a fucking movie"

Jurrasic Park 4 pt2 of way too many

Ok lets just do a basic outline of the script real quick.

WHERE

For the sake of this story we are pretending that 1 was the only JP movie as it is to most people to begin with. Of course it doesn't matter that the bastard son of JP, JP2 happened it really had no impact on anything unless that was the movie where the t-rex came back to the mainland in which case we have to pretend that didn't happen. With out a doubt we have to forget that 3 happened. I wish I could forget it too. That way the idea of re-visiting the park wouldn't have the stench of past failure and lost money....kind of like the existing sequels.


So the majority of this movie takes place but where else....ON THE FUCKING ISLAND because no one gives a shit about the other islands where back up dinosaurs were made. And with all due respect to the Jurassic Park 3 writing staff (who obviously know what you're doing anyway taking a huge franchise and fucking destroying it completely killing the money printing machine and any heat a potential 4th movie could have had ANY MONEY I COULD HAVE MADE OFF THIS MOVIE HAS BEEN SLASHED BY A 5TH BY THESE FUCKING JERK OFFS) anyways, as an aside to the JP3 writers, you're a disgrace for not even involving the original island and it was nothing but being fucking lazy to not involve it. They had no reasoning to move to a second Beta Island, other than needing an excuse to have boats to be able to land on said island with out it without anyone in the audience saying "why would anyone go there?". The nerve of JP3 writers going "fuck it dude, new island?" What's the difference? Why couldn't people just have gotten off course and fucking....Anyways. The setting : the fucking park that is Jurassic.
plus can you imagine how much pussy I could get if I brought a broad to this place on a movie shoot?




Plot!!!:
Why go back? Hammond is dead (evolved since I saw jp2 from Hammond wants to go back) and his son John Hammond the second played by Nicolas Cage(steady now) wants to try and re-imagine the park and make it shittier and try and sell toys (movie critique inside movie BRILLIANT!!). So he gathers investors and workers in the first 8 minutes of the movie leading to he and his 100+ man team show up to take over the island put lizards in cages. Rebuild. Promote. Produce. Always Be Closing.


Anyways you just probably spit on your monitor but if I may answer your question: why Nicolas Cage?!?

4 reasons.

1. Nic Cage is the perfect age to be Hammond's son and the father of the two kids from the first one.

2. Say what you will about Cage, homeboy can play neurotic eccentric billionaire buffoon who didn't earn anything so much as just hit the DNA lottery.

3. You have to want the character to be unlikable. And no one likes Cage and thus when raptors jump on him gut his stomach and a trex bites his torso off at the nipples the crowd will douse each other with popcorn out of excitement.

4. We're not exactly making A Clockwork Orange or 8 1/2. We're making a fucking sequel to a movie about dinosaur zoo.

come on!! he's so in.


Nic is one of the few characters/actors who I've had cast since I was 15 or whatever and didn't remove because I realized he was just me taking a character from literature or changed the actor because that person is no longer in the class to appear in a movie like this(like Neve Campbell falling off the face of the earth). He just kind of makes sense in a movie like this, not too serious of a movie but won't do the whole thing a disservice by being attached to it. He can be unlikable(which is key here) and he can carry a big budget movie(into the ground where I plan on driving this movie and whatever movie company that is dumb enough to hire me for this). I don't HATE Nic Cage but I'm certainly not completely in love with him.

So JH2 assembles a team of rustlers/former armed forces guys/zoologists/wranglers/animal controllers/misc people. All in all a team of loosely 100 go to the island now the high number is key. It has to be a high number and for some of you who are wondering why so many people? Won't that be a clusterfuck? We're going to over saturate the story line with humans!!!

All relevant point until I give you the reasoning. I need a lot of people in this movie because, I want a lot of people to die on this island.

Oh by the way its a rated R horror film featuring full frontal nudity, violence, adult language racism, consumption of human flesh, sexism, bigotry, gore, automatic weapons, explosions, tits, severe anatomical disassembling of humans and probably male rape by a triceratops.

Horror Business 1! 2!

To me the horror genre has kind of been in neutral for a while revving its engine that pale douche bags with the video game and message board depleted social skills of mr Bean insist is a 552 big block but really is a golf cart engine. Now its funny for me to call out fan boys when I collect comics and play fantasy sports and would rather watch Hong Kong action movies than have the burden of fucking a girl present itself. But I don't really fall into any fan boy columns, not that I'm an individual. I'm just too afraid of commitment. Art house movies are too pretentious, comic book movies are always letdowns, anime movies are for children who hate their genitals horror movies are all over-hyped piles of garbage. I'm shocked these movies still make money. If I wasn't already disgusted with the American public and teenagers I'd be really upset with this.

When it comes to horror I like the psychological ones like The Shining and The Thing. So right away I've pretty much just said "I like thrillers" but lets just say they're horror movies just to give horror a fighting chance(don't worry if this is a stretch for you later I'm gonna include Predator) The problem is those movies are almost 30 years old and aside from some intentionally campy movies I've pretty much thought horror as a genre is the biggest failure ever. I loved Shawn of the Dead like everyone else did, actually I've never even seen it. But I'm trying to say I have some appreciation for it I guess. But I really don't because I can't bring myself to watch it. So what am I even typing. "I like the idea of Shawn of the Dead"? I really liked the Evil Dead trilogy and in all honesty thats about as serious as i could take a horror movie thats been made since the early 1980s.


Its always a cheap to say "My favorite horror movies were the Evil Dead" but I do it for a different reason, I say it because I've liked maybe 5 non-Evil Dead horror movies in the last 30 years. No one cares about obscure movies from the 50s and 60s so go fucking call rob zombie and dig fucken ditches and burn through witches with him because no one gives a shit about Zombi with an I and if you do your so fucking full of shit and Bad Boys 2 is better than any of those obscure pieces of shit so go fuck yourself and listen to afi and cosplay with a fat girl.

I have a couple friends really into horror movies and they have to do one of several excuses for the movies before I see them. They always have the same arguments for the gigantic vast chasm of substance in the horror genre. "Japan still makes good horror movies". And right away you're already excusing and needing help from elsewhere to bail out the sinking ship. Its like buying a Toyota and still insisting American Cars deserve a chance. And this will sound like a shitty thing to say but to me at least suspense can't build when I'm reading dialogue at the bottom of a screen, maybe thats why the twist in Old Boy surprised me so much, because I was so disconnected with the plot that when it finally happened I was like "MY LIFE WAS A LIE!!!"

Also with the advent 3d I'm convinced I'll never like a horror movie again. I liked Piranha 3d obviously, but there was a reason. It was a comedy movie, I just don't think a movie with strong 3d ties can ever EVER be taken seriously. Its just impossible for me to suspend disbelief, invest myself in the characters and let the movie rest its delicious balls on my face nothing can take me out of it than ooooh look the shovel is coming at you!!! Its like going to see an opera and the singer mentioning the hometown team. If I saw Luciano Pavorati at the Boston opera house and he yells "GO SOX YANKEES SUCK" I'd be in my car before the next song starts. When a movie plays itself up for the sake of doing it in 3d its just as cheap and stupid and then I sit there thinking "these people are actors" and "this movie sucks dick".

Ok I have a couple plans to rebuild the genre, and it will be a rebuilding process. We have to blow the whole thing up, retire all old characters and ideas and grow together. Now who better to fix a failing franchise than someone who doesn't have the nostalgia problems and won't think "oh but the Saw franchise started out so promising" or "Eli Roth is so likable". So yeah next post will be my first idea out of 3 or 4 to save whats left of this shitfest.

Jurrasic Park 4 pt1 of too many

So its time for me to take something back from Hollywood that its always owed us. People talk about Lucas and Spielberg like they are animals for ruining Star Wars and Indiana Jones and whatever else, not like there was much to ruin about Star Wars, they were a stupid movie for kids made to sell toys with borrowed premises that you've seen 100 times before and they've stayed that way. But to me the biggest sin Spielberg did besides what happened to Jaws after he didn't do the sequels or more over not allow them to be made in the first place was what happened to Jurassic Park. He had a great idea, dinosaurs on earth today and only made one and .25 good movies out of it.

clever girl


So ever since 8th grade or so I've thought about Jurassic Park 2, then eventually 3, then now 4. While other students were talking about various girls and their pussies or whatever guys talk about I was dreaming about Deinonychus and how they compare to Velociraptors. What if there was a D vs V brawl? Who would win? And of course that's a stupid question because Velociraptors are like 2/3rds the size of Deinonychus. What about Allosaurus?!? What about Dinosaur vs Dinosaur fights. And of course in 2005 with the discovery of Mapusaurus and the previous Giganotosaurus. Two Carnivores bigger than the t-rex. And of course the Spinosaurus showed up in JP3 but who even gave a shit at that point? And further more how would anyone explain that a dinosaur was made by InGen that was never accounted for or discussed in either movie before and oh by the way its bigger than a t-rex. To write this story you have to fight the inner dino-demand to be a total dino-geek adding in all sorts of dinosaurs from various eras and then have InGen have no idea they would be there. How were people shocked by a 40 foot tall carnivore? How do people "forget" about the most powerful animal on earth? It snapped the fucking t-rex's neck for fuck sake.



A paleontologist said that "tyrannosaurs are likely to have been scavengers and rarely would hunt and kill where Spinosaurus were the great hunters of the era thousands of miles west of the tyrannosaurs and likely never ran into each other" he'd go on to say that Santa Clause wasn't real and your parents like to fuck each other. What a fucking buzzkill to read that, so like any good movie, I'm going to ignore science.

Obviously I have the whole movie planned out with actors and actresses with an evolving cast since I've been a kid. The female lead started out as Nee Campbell and worked its way up past stints as Rose Mcgowan and whatever other big titted brunet i fell in love with for a short period of time that no one has seen in 3 years. Now I'm not gonna make Gummo with dinosaurs so i played for conventional movie Hero, Woman(who doesn't need saving all the time but reluctantly needs the hero), Evil dude, other good guys, other bad guys, people you don't get to know and will just eventually die. I'll get into casting in the next post, then eventually story line.

Would it be rude of me to mail hugh jackman a running lawnmower hat and hope he puts it on

Jwow haiku. Clothing line will fail. All you do is lay in bed. more pauly, less you

Public Enemies. Almost a great movie.

Is Public Enemies the biggest collection of a wasted opportunity ever? Think about it. What could be one of the better time piece re-interpretations. 1920s America was kicking. Prohibition, bootlegging, automatic weapons, corruption, what my racist uncle called "the good ol' days" add to that a bank robber lead character avoiding the cops with shootouts and getaways, he's banging broads giving money back, being loved and feared. Then you have the struggle of the lawman trying to arrest this guy while his life is tattered and the pressure from an iconic figure like J. Edgar Hoover. This time line touches on what could be the only time America was interesting with what could have been its last great outlaw.

Ok key to any movie ever leading actor. Johnny Depp. Bang! A 10/10 casting job for a charismatic anti-hero bank robber cultural phenomenon on the lamb. Beyond handsome almost to a devastating amount. Beyond likable. If it wouldn't make me throw up on myself I'd say he could be today's Luke Jackson. I'm not passionately in love with Depp as an actor but i do enjoy him as a movie star and it pains me to see that he made a movie with Jolie and its coming out this winter, you'll never guess it but she is playing a spy or something, really mixing it up for her. its about time Angelina Jolie played a role where she can hide any sort of depth in her character and keep it under the guise of "mysterious" when in all actuality we are dealing with a case of a dull fucking gorgon. She is like 48 now can't she let someone else be a spy? Her uterus is about to die and she is supposed to be seducing Johnny Depp?

So you have an immensely likable main character so what better to get with that then an unlikable frozen upset and miserable law man who at times seems over his head and wrought with pressure and a crumbling personal life and who better to cast for this than anyone but Christian Bale. Ok fine Christian Bale could work, the movie will be 70% focused on Depp anyways so Bale despite what i would call a limited skill set. Now clearly I'm not sold on Bale as an actor, I believe he could be the most overrated actor currently making major movies. Which is actually the proper use of overrated and not just a saying. Lots of people call Vin Diesel overrated but when no one rates him highly what is the fucking point? He can't be widely known as shit and still be overrated. Anyone could fall into his roles and no one would notice. Batman Begins does not get axed if Bale doesn't sign, in fact it probably would have been better with out him. I'll get into how thoroughly replaceable Bale is in movies in a post in November or so but in a big surprise no one would give a fuck if he died and the only great thing he's ever done was punish a director of photography over his unprofessionalism in a movie about a robot revolution in the future where he sends a guy to go into the past to cream pie his mom.

Ok two strong actors to play cop and robber. Now to add a director, and here is where i give the most slices of pizza to on the fail pie. With a movie like this you need a sure thing director who has made massively successful movies before. So when they put this in Michael Mann's hands I think the producers dropped the ball. But maybe it wasn't his fault. Michael Mann, ok, not Fellini, not Eastwood but this isn't supposed to be a piece of art. Its supposed to be a great GREAT movie movie. Think Shawshank Redemption. Movie movie seems like a term that I know exists but I absolutely can't prove means anything to anyone but myself at this moment, but I'm sure you guys can follow this.

Anyways a movie with a great setting and cast of characters is absolutely a movie that Michael Mann is very capable to turn into something fantastic. Last of the Mohicans The Insider and Heat are perfect examples of how this movie could have gone. The Insider being in a distant 3rd place but is a good movie, but when compared to two titans it clearly takes the bronze. Heat is one of the best crime dramas of all time and The Last of the Mohicans to me gave birth to several awesome things
1. the career of Daniel Day Lewis
2. war movies set in precolonial times from non-European viewpoints
3. Madeline Stowe's cheekbones.




Now many of you smell the pending backlash against Mann and deservingly so. If you look at Mann's filmography it has a lot of movies that should have been better than they were. He could very well be the king of "eh" The Kingdom, Collateral, Public Enemies, Miami Vice, Ali are some of the biggest let downs of my life. Even Hancock should have been better then it was and it should have sucked, he somehow skewed lower than suck. Michael Mann has taken some of the best movie premises in recent memory and directed them into being average flat forgettable flops of shit.

On top of poor directing instincts he has attached himself to some miserable failures of projects that could have killed anyone's career and even the best of creative teams behind the scenes couldn't rescue, and was a no win scenario for the actors in the roles and in Orlando Bloom's case destroyed their career. The Kingdom is one of the more ponderous movies of all time. Orlando Bloom fresh off of LOTR heat, which was a pile of shit movies but people liked them so whatever i file it under Forrest Gump as a movie i didn't like but people did so i don't know what to say about them other than "you're wrong you asshole it sucked". To me when people tell me that Forest Gump was a great movie I think that if they were in the live freestyle between Biggy and Tupac they'd cheer the loudest for the 10 year old kid Syheim(like every single fucking person in the crowd and since I heard that i realized I'll never respect the opinion of the masses because they're fucking fools).

Anyways we were talking about the death of Orlando Bloom, Bloom was the Luke Perry of the LOTR movies, the heart throb hero that stole the screen from the main character whilst winning over the tweens. When you get tweens behind you there's no excuse for a failure, and The Kingdom raced past failure on a jet ski that ran on bad ideas. A Braveheart/Gladiator like war movie that was light on the combat more on the sitting around between battles and also had the heavy handed message that Christianity stomps infidels, which to me was off putting. I mean I hate fundamental Islamics more than some people are comfortable saying but the whole movie was glorifying the crusades which is fucking insane to even watch, it'd be like the kid from Twilight going on to be the sympathetic lead in a movie about a Spanish inquisition-er who is in love with a girl and thinks about her longingly while he burns a child's face because they didn't pray correctly. I hate when people use the term of "too long" to dismiss a movie because they could just watch a sitcom if they wanted in and out. But this movie really dragged on with a lot of inconsequential scenes that had nothing to do with anything.

By the way we were talking about Michael Mann in his role as director/producer of Public Enemies, now i realize I got off on a tirade about how Mann crushed an actors career and it didn't really have anything to do with the point of this entry and it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with Public Enemies...so lets do it again.

Mann also directed Miami Vice which completely killed Colin Farrel's career. Colin was everywhere and his snarky rebel attitude was the new good looking Hollywood rebel. Then out came Miami Vice, a movie about drugs in Miami, with out knowing it made the unfun version of Bad Boys. Straight down to the "lets have the villain do something brutal in the first 10 minutes so we all know that he is a dick and lets have the cops do something selfless with a hint of cool so they are spoon fed into everyone's mouth as likable" Vice was such a fucking meh movie IMDB probably doesn't have a 1-10 rating for it because no one could sit through it. Foxx and Farrell were so big at the time it was like Michael Jordan and Mike Tyson creating a sport together, so many people loved them whatever came out would've been a hit. Mann somehow figured out how to make a cop buddy movie into such a boring 2 hour + shitfest that I honestly have no idea how it ended or what the plot really was other than coke in Miami, if Miami Vice was a band they would be Converge. Yes I know I saw and heard something, but to be honest i couldn't tell you what it was and what it meant to anyone other than it sucked. Miami Vice was so bad I'm convinced Colin Farrell is still at the premier somewhere staring at the screen wondering what the fuck just happened. Daredevil did more for Farrell's career. Farrell's sex tape left people feeling better and more fulfilled than Miami Vice did, and it probably made more money and was less embarrassing for Farrell's parents to see.

On top of Miami Vice Mann somehow was allowed to ruin a movie about the life of Muhammad Ali. M.A. could have been Black Elvis if Kool Keith didn't already take that title. I don't need to explain what M.A. meant to America and its culture but i can say that the movie Ali almost erased it. Ali could have ended Will Smith's career. Luckily however it didn't, which is good because despite Will being a Scientologist Will is incredibly likable human and i believe a talented actor. It was nice to see him escape a death sentence like Ali and I'm glad his career was not ruined, that was saved for Hancock, yet another Michael Mann movie. Ali was a colossal let down for a movie that was supposed to be "the biopic to end all biopics" in a movie where Will Smith was actually strong in too. It was just a boring dry movie, another "Mannsterpiece". Mann could be a very good cinematographer but he is just that. He can make movies look good but not be interesting, he's every girl i want to fuck. A total unending bore with no ability to keep your interest but yet has tits so I'll still sit through their horse shit

Anyways back to Public Enemies and lets look deeper into the cast, I guess. Who gives a shit at this point but fuck it I wanna type things. Public Enemies was such a let down even the rap group Public Enemy deserved a backlash for it.

I'd like to get back to the elements of this movie namely the cast. So in the words of a pedo-uncle "lets do some role play".

So you are a non-headlining second or third tier actor in Hollywood and you are pitched "Dillinger's death played by Depp with Bale and the director of Heat" now on paper that has a chance to win Oscars and become a part of America's culture for years, the problem is these actors(a lot who pick their roles carefully) didn't really think about what that meant. It attracted a pile of good actors to play supporting roles in parts they were too good for. Giovanni Ribisi who once had a great career so good that I'm shocked Michael Mann didn't try to kill it earlier. Billy Crudup who's last name sounds like a frog said it and who's dick is gigantic and blue and every girl I'll ever date would throw me into a volcano to make out with him. Even Stephen Dorff came out of his cave for this movie. Fucking Stephen Dorff!!! He's still alive!!! Blade didn't kill him! I thought this guy was going to be the next Christian Slater.... well it turns out he kinda was. Here for a second everything is going gooWHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO? I checked Dorff's filmography to see if I could place when he went away and it was either "Cecil B Demented" or "feardotcom" i can't believe one man could have those two movies in common. its like being involved in both 9/11 and........feardotcom. Feardotcom, the movie about a website that when you go to it you get killed. A website, that kills you. A....fucking.....website.......Tom Hanks could have made feardotcom after Gump Saving Private Ryan Philadelphia Apollo 13 Toy Story and A League of Their Own and it still would've destroyed him in the eyes of viewers, more than Castaway did.

Sorry back to the cast. My boy Lucas from Empire Records had a small role as a fed, and maybe expecting more from him was fruitless and i shouldn't have thought Mann could've gotten more from him. I guess he'll never be Lucas again but its not like Jack was ever McMurphy again and YES I AM COMPARING THE TWO. Moving back to the top again the film had a nice collection of two actresses who fit in perfectly, one was at her peak of popularity in fresh off an Oscar win for best actress Marion Cotillard, or as I know her, foreign attractive Maggie Gyllenhaal, and as everyone will know her "that girl who won an Oscar made shit movies and went away" IE: Halle Berry.
had to post something here with tits.

Cotillard however did a good job of acting but at times she kind of stole the story and this will sound sexist but a top tier leading lady tends to take away from a movie's chemistry, it stops being there's Dillinger and his broad lady and it becomes, oh look its Depp and Cameron Diaz or Depp and troglodyte Angelina Jolie. A strong leading lady tends to take some of the story and focus away from the leading man and it almost forces the movie to take into account other people's point of view that the movie didn't need. This works in a lot of movies and in some cases it sabotages the movie from the inside. But luckily in Public Enemies Mann was able to over saturate the story line taking into account both of the women's perspectives on top of 2 criminals and 2 cops. Its amazing when a dull drawn out movie can still manage to be a unsettled clusterfuck like this. Then the movie about Dillinger stops and it becomes another thing you have to sit through before they mercifully roll credits.

Casting
Continued.

They also went slumming and got a popular actor amongst the kids in Channing Tatum and in an upset Channing kept up his unthinkable streak of being in movies less and less interesting than "Step up" if I was a producer in L.A. and wanted to know if a movie would be good or not I'd call up Channing Tatum and if he says "Yeah sounds great" I'd throw the script out of my fucking window and fire whoever handed it to me and 3 people with similar names just to be safe.

In an odd turn of events one of my favorite fighters of all time Don Frye is in this movie complete with his mustache and horrendous eyebrows, its fun taunting a man like Frye from behind a keyboard as he'd punch me in the chest and my heart would explode like the death star.


also if you ever wanna see the best fight of all time


At this point you can tell I'm getting lazy with the casting but as a final statement about how stacked this movie was and how good the final product COULD habe been this guy guy who has the scariest fucking imdb photo ever was in it.

To sum up all the ingredients of this shit chili. A great story of one of America's most infamous human beings who has been both vilified and glorified by historians for years but was always regarded as fascinating and to go with a great story plot climax and ending an amazing cast of popular notoriety and skilled actors who for the most part were all peaking at the point of this movies release. A strong visual director who like every other director who released great movies had some shitty ones, but still absolutely had it in him to release a great movie. and with a great story you could take a visual director to really make the movie a masterpiece. Everything was going perfect for this. You had story and cast all you needed was to mix it together correctly and you have a delicious pile of fun. Instead it was slapdashed thrown together with no empathy for the audience. This is two movies in a row where I am accusing the writers producers and directors of going out of their way to punish the audience and i stand by my silly claim.

They had an audience a great cast a great story and they fucking threw it all away.

This movie is by no means an awful piece of shit like Salt. But it really really wasn't good, and especially compared to everyone's expectations it was a piece of fucking shit. Its just like 4 out of the 7 movies Mann has directed since 1992. Its a C movie with all the ingredients to have made an A movie. Its like a super group, This movie was the 03-04 Los Angeles Lakers, a finished product that was never the equal of its collected parts. Kobe Shaq both in their primes, Karl Malone, Gary Payton still very functionable and talented, Derek Fisher, Rick Fox off the bench. Phil Jackson coaching, it should have been automatic championship, but they discovered that paper wins you nothing. Just like this movie gave everyone nothing. This movie was so dry and dull it hurt. It wasn't even like a "that looks good" conversation before the movie started. It was a fuck whatever movie we just saw lets talk about how great that movie is going to be discussion that took place afterward.

This SHOULD have been a monster hit, but it just wasn't it was a fucking flop. i don't care what it did in the box office money wise and whether it supports or disproves my argument. I don't care how many people saw this movie or rented it the movie was just a bust. I guarantee no one ever watched the director commentary of this movie and was impressed, unless Mann says things like "here is when I said fuck the viewers i want an 7th shot of a sun setting for 40 seconds".

It should have been one of those movies that people acknowledge for years. It should have been as good or better than Once Upon a Time in America. See!!! Thats how highly I thought of what this movie could have been! I look at this movies trailer and I still think it could be good. Thats when you know you have been betrayed, when even after the incident you look back at it like, nah wait this could still work. Give it a shot!! In the trailer there's this really well shot iconic glimpse of Dillinger jumping over a counter with his Thompson and his overcoat is in the air like he was a superhero. And I'll always think about seeing that in a preview thinking, wow this movie is going to be phenomenal. He might as well have jumped over the counter into a fucking shark tank.

taunting animals part 3

Guys I'm worried. Its been about 3 years since I or anyone has seen Josh Hartnett. Is he ok? If you see him will you please tell him I'm worried sick!

Veruca Re-Salt

Salt. Again.
I tend to obsess on a movie or an idea for a week so bear with me on this one. And for those of you who are rolling their eyes fuck you. This movie was packaged as a smart thinking thriller action movie and its fucking clown shoes stupid. It is build a ramp stupid.

Moving along at a snails pace the worst part to Salt in retrospect other than the name of the movie, the marketing campaign, the bad story line that was basically stolen from Bourne Identity then slapchopped into a shit salsa, the casting of nobodies, her stale acting on top of her refusal to get naked, the complete lack of a twist in a twist ending and the shitty typical cliffhanger ending for the "just in case its a hit we can pump out sequels" Hollywood. THE WORST PART is the lack of respect and foresight for the people they were writing this movie for.

The ideal conditions by the writers would be to have the audience be questioning "What side is she on?" "Why kill the president?" "Was he in on it" "is she a body double?" "is her husband behind this?". The idea is to have the audience guessing and pondering the inevitable twist. But no. Everyone is sitting in the audience is just shifting in their seats thinking "oh god to what length of fucking bullshit will they go to explain this?" "Just get to her being a good guy again" "that president better not just suddenly not be dead later in the movie" "why haven't I seen her fucking tits yet?"

cool shirt dick, now GTFO

That blinding lack of understanding for the audience is the part of the movie where we are supposed to believe that she's actually Russian spy doing harm to America, killing the Russian President, knocking off CIA agents, plotting to kill the President of the USA. The fact the writers talked about doing this, said yes, spent days(or as i assume 45 minutes) hashing out the details of it and never asked: "Don't you think the audience will know they didn't pay 10$ to see a movie where Angelina Jolie actually is a Russian spy who kills people? Won't they know she's just acting like she is to get in deeper with the villains so she can foil it at the very top?" "Don't you think its a bit much for her to watch her husband get shot right in front of her and have a poker face over it?"(that actually happens she watches the guy she is in love with and is on run from the CIA to rescue get capped and then acts like it doesn't bother her. Brains on the wall, and she looks like she just ordered a sandwich from Panera all to keep her cover. She Forrest Gump faces it like oh well no used crying over spilt brain containing membrane and fucking fluid.)

What type of a movie would we be watching then? Besides an original movie that actually did something different. Then again it'd be hard to market a hero to America that kills the President of America....well maybe 12 years ago it would've been not so much now or with Bush but whatever. We would be watching a fucking disaster. It would be too controversial for theaters, at least with an A list talent in it. If some straight to dvd movie starring Amy Smart or Mena Suvari (holy shit remember her?) did this no one would care. When a legitimate star(WHY IS SHE A LEGITIMATE STAR)does something like this its huge. Demi Moore shaved her head and it was apparently so big the Mayans saw it coming.

When you get the entire audience to groan in misery at what you think is a great story arch you're writing a bad movie. The levees have broke and the audience is drowning in your cum. Your story has a million fucking holes in it and your movie stopped being a movie and became a visual chore. When the entire audience knows where the story is going you don't have a movie anymore. When the entire fucking audience is just counting the minutes hoping to see your hero's tits you've lost them. When you lose the entire fucking audience at the end of a movie its just a stupid movie with a bad ending, like Cast Away or Identity or Law Abiding Citizen (I'll get into that soon). Then its forgivable. But to lose your audience 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie and you know they're watching for another hour its fucking selfish and its shitty its something a conniving sociopath does when they aren't in control of themselves and can't help but to spread their shit all over everyone's Panera sandwich I'm hungry. Like when Valerie fucked her step-dad THE NIGHT BEFORE HIS AND HER MOM'S WEDDING just to do it. Its that bad, except i fucking bet the writer doesn't look anything like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen so its forgivable because you'd throw your mom into an alligator tank just to wash her dishes. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen by the way is much better looking than stupid Angelina Jolie AND even just with 90210, Saved by the Bell and Son in Law eclipsed Angelina Jolie's entire fucking body of work. There is nothing about Jolie that is superior in any way outside of lips current husband and hype that beats T-A T.

its upsetting it even gets discussed.

To lose yourself 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie just because the writers are lazy is like going for a walk with an elderly man up a mountain and back down it again. It wouldn't be so bad at first. You go your pace and he goes his. You run up the mountain while he walks slowly then you run down passing him while he's about half way up saying hello and being courteous. But then you get to the bottom and you realize he has the car keys. So you sit there hating the old man for going so slow and hating yourself for going fast. You sit there blaming yourself for not being stupid enough for Salt.

So salt expects people to wait the 40 minutes it takes to get to the finish we all know its coming. Its like when the Macho Man Randy Savage was a good guy. We all know with Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior as good guys that the bad guys needed a big name especially with an Aging Andre the Giant.(personally I think a young Rick Rude and Curt Henning with the pending addition of Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon could've handled the work load as bad guys but were so buried by Hogan at the time that they never got their shot.) We all know you're a bad guy Randy, so just be a fucking bad guy. Except in Salt's case its in reverse. This movie's story is so fucking bad and plaid out its subject to 1987 WWF comparisons. Except they don't have the Elizabeth Jake the Snake Roberts/Undertaker story to get you to like Macho Man first. There is no Summerslam Wedding with Salt, there is no Mega-Power (savage and Hogan) tag team with Salt. There is no Intercontinental Title Feud against Steamboat or Tito Santana with Salt. Theres just fuck you I'm here, I'm not, fooled you guys I'm here. Its a shitty practical joke by someone who isn't funny.

mom and dad

In this movie you're introduced to salt and 8 seconds later she's a villain? Is she? Its not like hey everybody I'd like you to meet Macho Man Randy Savage, he is now your friend and then BANG 2 seconds later he's teaming with Zeus to take on The Mega-Maniacs (Brutus and Hogan) and is a total villain now AREN'T YOU SHOCKED? At first you got used to him as being a good guy, for years he was a good guy, it was over fucking time where the story line built. He and Hogan were giving each other odd looks backstage and then it of course boiled over into the great Elizabeth conflict between he and Hogan. Now obviously Savage started out as a dick being mean to Elizabeth and whatever but obviously we skip ahead to when him and Hogan were teaming up together to take on Mega-Bucks(Million-Dollar Man Ted Dibiase and Andre the Giant)

Just wanted an excuse to post this picture.



This was Savage's peak and there is no fucking denying that and I'm disgusted any of you would say otherwise. To fucking sit around and waste time talking about pre-87 Macho Man is like talking about George Clooney before E.R Cam Neely before he was traded to the Bruins or Sasha Grey before Share My Cock 4, its a waste of time and no one discusses it.


You guys aren't gonna believe this but I found another better looking person who has a more respectable career than Angelina Jolie.



So in the movie i guess you're supposed to be in suspension of disbelief mode, like you are in any other movie but in all honesty I don't know this pig(back to Salt again sorry for the confusion this review is about Salt). She could be a Russian or an American loyalist what do I know? I don't know anything about this woman or her past you introduced me to her as "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" so at the end of the movie when she is "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" I kind of feel like i just got milked for no reason other than someone's sporadic idea to be a fucking dickhead. Its not a growth story when the person ends up exactly the same on the other side, its just an opening paragraph, here is Macho Man and sure enough 90 minutes later here is the same Macho Man. This is like meeting your friend's roommate's girlfriend. And then suddenly discovering she is a racist and then the big reveal that she isn't. Is it shocking? A little? barely? kinda? I mean you're facebook friends with her MAYBE at most. You don't know her last name or what her parents look like but you know what town she is from and maybe what she drives or a loose background about her job if it was in your field at all because if it isn't interesting to any degree you block it out. Is that shocking? An iota, but not as much as when you see a swastika tattoo on your moms chest when you walk in on her in the shower. What's insulting is when you know your friend's roommate's girlfriend isn't racist but she insists you don't know that and carries on like she is. Then later does a TADA and tells you she isn't racist and she's only pretending to be (shut up the analogy works).

So there you are. Over your friends apartment listening to some douche bag in a college sweatshirt she might have gone to that you don't know and could die tonight for all you care; Yell about the Jews when you know she doesn't mean it. Or your mom burns crosses in your neighbor's yard or drags their children behind her minivan. Oh plus you've seen your mom's tits. Unlike Angelina fucking Jolie in this movie.

Why do I lie to people and say I've seen Memento? I know the plot and ending, I have no interest in seeing it. Twist movies are so fucking disco at this point.

taunting animals part 2

In-salt to injury

Salt is so bad.
Its so bad I'm about to type a fucking thesis paper about it to hand it over to nobody to read it.


We will revisit Salt as a movie obviously but lets just skip to the hilarity that this movie was even made to begin with and the preconceived notions going into this movie that there is something special about Angelina Jolie.

put your tits away mom

Her personal life is of no concern to me because I'm not a housewife and I don't care about celebrities lives outside of what they do on tv. So I won't get into it but more importantly lets talk about her looks. Now its a given I as any man would have awful sex with her. I would line up to be the worst lay of her life. Having said that, her face, her gibbony face. I don't find her to be the end all be all of attractive female actress and maybe that means something in this discussion as i trash her as an actress but whatever its my shit blog. That being said her tattoos are hilarious and belong on a stripper with a c-scar.


Moving on to her as a celebrity. Who decided she was cool and should be looked up to? What makes her socially acceptable over Kate Hudson or Jennifer Garner? No one looks up to shitty action movie women and thinks they are a staple of modern society yet this slob has transcended from trashy slut who fucked Slingblade in a limo to Mrs. America. To address her place in this world i have to bring up the movie Salt so with out getting into it lets just explain the type of movie it is.


Salt is a piece of unrelenting recycled horseshit from bad James Bond movies. What's upsetting is this is not a movie an A lister makes unless they're known for it.(Schwarzenegger Stallone action types are the only forgivable ones this movie would end Will Smith's career) This movie was a rough draft of Bourne Identity before it was reworked to make it "less wet thai food shit" This would be a movie Kate Beckinsale made as a final goodbye to her career like Excess Baggage was to Alicia Silverstone. Now lets really think about this, why is Kate Beckinsale on a lower level than Jolie? Other than Jolie fucking Brad Pitt(which I'm sure Beckinsale has done) there is nothing better or maybe even as impressive on Jolie's career as Beckinsale's. Theron got ugly and got nominated so Jolie did it several times, and was laughed at.

You can't look at Kate Beckinsale and say she is less attractive Angelina Jolie to the point where she should be that far behind her on the cultural relevance scale and you ABSOLUTELY can't say

That being said if my attractive ranking system equated fame Gina Gershon would be on our currency.

would ptf


Jolie's career has been filled with popcorn movies with no challenging acting or massive massive fucking bombs. To save time I'm only going to get into movies she is listed as the top billed/co billed person in.


Changeling (Clint's worst movie hands down)
Salt (awful)
Mr and Mrs Smith (charming)
Wanted (awful)
Tomb Raider 1 (awful)
Tomb Raider 2 (awful 2)
Add to this list of tragedy supporting roles in:
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (awful)
Gone in 60 Seconds (awful)
Alexander (one of the biggest letdowns in cinematic history and crowned the end of both Oliver Stone and Colin Farell's Career)
Taking Lives(awful)

You're going to tell me that collection of absolute shit is better than Underworld 1 and 2, Pear Harbor, The Aviatar (co supporting actress), Serendipity and Van Helsing? Beckinsale has been in just as many miserable movies as Jolie. She's just been in less of them. The two of these women use their career like a paintbrush of diarrhea. I find Beckinsale 10xs more attractive and forgiving as a human being. Jolie's hype is Jolie's life. Jolie is the female version of Nicolas Cage, its just that Cage doesn't have a strong audience of men who want to fuck him.

Ok back to this miserable piece of shit of a movie.

Salt has physics and action sequences so super human it should be a transporter or x-men movie. Kung-Fu Hustle(awesome movie) has more believable action scenes , including the one where the man is killed by music notes turning into swords. Salt is so bad Milla Jovovich should have played Salt if it was Salt vs zombies giving way to the tag line of zombies = slugs to kill them just add SALT. Michelle Rodriguez should've played Salt if Salt hated men was from a hardened neighborhood and had a background of being a tomboy(dyke). Jean Claude Van Damme should have played Salt if the goal was to peak on the USA network at 2am on a Saturday. Jason Sthatham should have played Salt if the movie had 2 more car chases and my interest.If this was 1994 Geena Davis would have played Salt. Salt's script is so bad I think it would be a reworked sequel for Pamela Anderson's BarbWire. Jennifer Love Hewitt should have played Salt and Brandy should have played her counterpart and vice squad partner Pepper. Salt isn't a 70 million dollar movie with Angelina Jolie it should have been a really deep plot line for the movie Alias. Salt's story is so bad that it could have been a sequel to Ultra Violet, Catwoman or an episode of House after season 4. The script to Salt was so bad that Salt from Salt n' Peppa should've turned it down. This movie was so bad Morgan Freeman should've played the President.

The turns in Salt story line require a bigger suspension of belief and reason than a Scientology pitch. I'd need a fucking jet pack to make these leaps of faith. It features a man able to con his way all the way to CIA director. A man in place to kill the president and set off warheads. To review, a spy, all the way to the President's right hand man/lead intelligence guy. She uses spider venom to fake kill someone. Oh yeah she fucks a Spiderist in this movie. Eat a bowl of fuck and think about that, a CIA operative spy who has killed dozens upon dozens of people is fucking an Entomologist, and his job later factors into the movie. This movie made Wanted look like it was done by Fellini. A curved bullet would've made more sense than her fake assassination. Thats right, fake assassination, of a Russian President and then the disappearing reappearing ink like revelation within the fake assassination, in which she convinced that she killed the president of Russia but only put him into a coma with her spider venom, I'm not kidding, a whole team of doctors and CIA agents were fooled by a lil' venom.

She, Salt, later then allows herself to be captured. Much like the first villain in the movie walks into CIA headquarters allowing himself to be captured all the while knowing he had a way of escaping. Stabbing people with his shoe knife and running out the front door of the CIA headquarters. The CIA takes a hit in this movie, being fooled multiple times by its own operative and allowing its headquarters to allow 2 people to escape the premises roughly 10 minutes from each other.

Also, its 2010, WHY ARE WE STILL MAKING MOVIES ABOUT FUCKING RUSSIAN SPIES? The cold war has BEEN done. We are now at war with an entirely different type of people now and for the last 5 years there have maybe been 10 fictional movies with Middle Easterns as enemies. The last over the top action movie with a Arab villain was fucking True Lies.


There's a part in the movie where she sneaks into the White House dressed as a man. Its so incredibly unconvincing. She looks like a combination of the following




Prince from the Dirty Mind album cover


Ralph Macchio as Johnny from the Outsiders

One of the guys


Labamba


C Thomas Howell as soul man.


George from Otto and George.


By now the movie is fucking lost so I'm completely rooting for her to die especially after watching a guy rush at the president shooting at him while she did nothing but watch. At this point in the movie you don't know she fake killed the Russian President so in your head you're thinking "is she a bad guy?" but you're not because you know she's the hero in this shit pile despite her onlooking as a guy almost MURDERS the president just to keep her who gives a shit cover. Now as a sad side note: Why are all the presidents closest body guards like 6'1 in movies? Haven't movie makers seen henchmen? You need at least a team of 7 foot monsters around you? Whatever back to this shit show.

She then breaks into the White House bunker(killing no guards while jumping down an elevator shaft from floor to floor via steel I beams like spiderman before sliding down the wall like spiderman2 getting to the bottom and the whole fucking thing turns into a wash of horseshit climaxes that leaves you wondering who thought the audience would reach for this ending like spiderman 3.

She gets to the War room way too easily and breaks into it using of course the very clever and CIA trained way of entering a secured room by shooting through a concrete wall with an M-60 and opening the door only to get apprehended JUST AS SHE SAVES THE WORLD FROM NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST WITH ONE SECOND LEFT for her several dozen body count including attempts on the Presidents of two major nations and the director of the fucking CIA who was a planted spy who was already foiled from his sadly unironic doomsday missile Russian crisis like Dr. Strangelove except instead of being enjoyable I actually routed for my house to get hit by a warhead. Then freshly after saving the day (unbeknowst to those stupid CIA agents who still think she's the bad guy) gets detained but in the end the agent bringing her in has a point break cliffhanger ending where she jumps out of a helicoCONVOLUTED PIECE OF SHIT ENDING!!!!

Now that we have established that the movie is shit, lets look at the actors. Well for starters the villain of the movie is.... Liev Schreiber. Yep, thats right, sabretooth from xmen 4(i refuse to call it by its real name). American Vinnie Jones himself Liev Schreiber. The star power of this movie goes like this. Jolie, and now I'm not kidding, Schreiber, the nazi in the bar scene from Inglorious Basterds, a role actor you've seen in 100 movies who's name you don't know, 40 people you've never seen before, a younger version of Morris Chestnut. The drop off there is so startling Xander Cage couldn't jump safely and land it with a snowboard and a parachute.

Another unforgiving element missing in Salt is the lack of Jolie being not very clothed at any time. She was never even in her underwear. At least tease us with bad fake Hollywood almost nudity. She's offensively poor as an actress. Liev Schreiber blows her off the screen. An actor who plays sabretooth blows her off the screen. If she was a guy and was this overshadowed by average actors she would be on entourage. Jolie unlike her awesome completely covered tits is beyond flat through this entire movie. It was with out a doubt the worst movie i saw in 2010. TITS OR GTFO salt, and you chose GTFO.