woody...hahahahaha get it?

You ever lay down at night and realize your opening thought is about to cost you an hour of sleep? Like you took a sip of fourloko and now you're gonna be up and above all completely illogical in your thinking for the next several minutes slugging your self esteem with a shovel.

Wait....disregard that whole fucking thing.

Writing about Woody Allen movies at this point is kind of disgusting. Especially when my launching point is Manhattan and Annie Hall, these are basically the only two. But in all actuality it extends to the common question/punchline brought up in Woody Allen movies. Why does small unattractive Woody always get really attractive younger woman. And the answer is simple.

He is a Millionaire Jew living in Manhattan with a fucking career in show business. The women he is fucking in these movies are beneath him! I don't get why people get on Woody for always casting himself to be the counterpart to a beautiful woman. I'm honestly trying to figure out why he wouldn't be banging a young attractive woman. Dude has apartments in Manhattan for fucks sake, as far as i know thats like owning Pepsi at this point.


anyways lets get to why I really broke like this.

Vicky Christina Barcelona makes me feel like such an inadequate piece of fuckslop.Vicky Christina Barcelona believe it or not takes place in fucking god damn it Barcelona, and involves what could be the pinnacle of everything every uncultured American piece of garbage like me hates. A well read, well to do, Spanish painter living in an antique breath taking Spanish sprawling villa. Meanwhile I watch hockey and I watched that entire movie thinking "wow this sucks thank god I will never be there."

WHAT HUMAN BEING DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO SPAIN?!?!?!?
I really am an inferior piece of shit in every way to Javier Bardem. Jesus Christ you fucking baby. So well there's nothing better for me to do in a situation like this than to completely slag an attractive woman.

Penelope Cruz could be the most attractive girl on this shitty rock of fuck called Earth and on top of it is a fantastic actress. So now you're thinking, I thought you would be smashing an attractive woman, well guess what dick there is another A list set of tits in this movie, The other set unfortunately is not nearly of talented. This is why Allen is brilliant, what better way to spike Cruz's effort in this movie as the beautiful and fiery Spanish woman than to pair her with what could be the flattest actress in modern cinema, Scarlett Johansson. This pairing did so little for Scarlett Johansson After the world saw her in this movie she basically get blown off the screen consistently over and over by Cruz. She packed in the idea of her as an indy thrill and immediately gave up the heavy acting scene and booked Iron Man 2.

Watching her be all angry in Spanish is just crazy and a major turn on and I can only assume for an American woman helps her feel just as obsolete compared to how Javier Bardem makes me feel.

Its ironic I watch this movie while my lady friend is in Europe, it coincides perfectly with me obsessing that she is doing nothing but fucking Spanish and Italian men while I sit here in my ocean of inadequacy writing about fucking Woody Allen movies. Which I couldn't blame her. If I was her I'd fuck European guys. I'm sitting here too tired to play xbox. What type of piece of garbage is too tired to play xbox? And not even well mind you, I have a fucking .89 k/d ratio last fucking match. Why do people sign up to play Domination if they are not going to commit to the game type. Fluffing their K/Ds in objective games is the truest sign of a fucking child. Its easy to shoot people when they're laying down prone next to a flag for 50 seconds. Right now Javier Bardem is drinking 30 year old wine while I'm toiling away on Call of who gives a fucksduty.
>


Scarlett is so over her head in these movies its fucking crazy. These are heavy character driven stories and she is so flat that its beyond ironic her body is so not flat. Scarlett Johansson is an atrocious inarticulate actress. And as bad as completely overshadowed Johansson is by Cruz Johansson overshadows Rebecca Hall. Hall is the Vicky in the story. As bad at depth and the illusion of thought that Johansson has Hall surpasses it with complete staleness and inability to deliver lines to sound like a human being. She seems like she's reading off of cue cards the entire time, Johansson looks like she belongs in the story and doesn't take anything away from it, she's just crushingly boring in it. Its kind of funny that the movie is called Vicky Christina and both of them turn into afterthoughts in their title roles. It would be like Robocop being about Murphy's friend that you meet 35 minutes into the movie, and then in the final hour Murphy's friend completely steals the movie from Murphy and ED-209.




Anyways this post comes from frustration and inadequacy.
And because I realize if I was ever in a situation like this I wouldn't be Cruz, I wouldn't be Johansson, I'd be boring as life Hall.

This is a cave in.

Julianne Moore is such a douchebag and inferior doctor in the fugitive. She also could be the most attractive redhead of all time.

Demi Moore is a better actress than she was getting credit for back in the mid 90s. Too bad she never had the body of work. Except for her fucken tits dude daha

Jurassic Park 4 part whaterver

So the team that John Hammond Jr. (Nicolas Cage) assembles has to be pretty thick in numbers and varying fields. Reasoning:



1. This is a massive profit margin they could have so the investors and Ingen would send a gigantic team
2 Its a massive undertaking to do upkeep remodeling heard up dinos start making new ones and protect everyone involved
3 some have to be girls so we can see their stupid tits.
4 All these people have to die in entertaining ways

Before you have any problem with any of these actors don't worry. They're going to die.

So the Hero of my movie is Ian Mckay played by Luke Perry, for those of you who think Luke Perry's career is done and its time to pick someone else I say EXACTLY! Luke Perry is undeniable and is destined to rise to the top again and I want to be the Tarantino to his Travolta. Except not as gay. P.S. Swordfish was so gay it was originally pitched as a sequel to Batman Forever.

Anyways Ian along with his dad Dylan. Get it? Dylan Mckay? Luke's name in 90210? The least clever reference ever? YES! Anyway Ian is an animal wrangler in Texas and he will be deemed to be the leader of taking over the emancipated animals and re-caging them. Kind of like the GOP.(get it?) ooof. Moving on, Ian obviously is over his head but since they don't have a lot of people trained in dinosaur breaking and wrangling, we'll suspend disbelief for the time being. And later when he kills a raptor with plasma cutter.

Leading. Man.

Also I'm finding roles for Brian Austin Greene and Ian Ziering.


Anyways every popcorn movie needs a woman supporting actor to wisecrack and challenge gender stereotypes when she can stand up for herself, kind of like how Michelle Rodriguez has over done through out her filmography which has to be amidst its death rattle. So through out my life I've casted the female role of the animal expert "Dr. Sue Aulogeus" a thousand different times. Tiffani-Amber Theisen being the first and most logical. But alas I assume she died in a car accident years ago. Taking with her other hopefulls for this role Rose Mcgowan, Neve Campbell, Shannen Doherty, Katie Holmes, Susan Ward, Fat Jennifer Love Hewitt, Eliza Dushku, Jenna Haze, Alyssa Milano and the one that hurt the most Shannyn Sossamon.

I miss you, please come back.

So with modern day movies and pop culture all thats left is whoever was in Twilight that I couldn't name, whoever Blake Lively is, and Scarlett Johansson who is an atrocious actress who's salary would be waaaay too much for a movie where I'm already paying Nicolas Cage AND Luke Perry and with two A list actors we could have an obscure woman in the movie So with that being said I'd like to resurrect a career that I personally fear is 90% dead in Rosario Dawson. All the above mentioned were people I thought would be around forever, and slowly every single one of their careers exploded into nothingness and I'm out and out shocked they are nowhere to be seen anymore. Occasionally I'll see their name in the summary under

Along with the lead in Ian and the supporting woman with Rosario there has to be a comedic element, now usually I despise comedic relief but this movie needs it because to draw people into a fantasy dinosaur movie and have them obliterated immediately by heavy messages and animal rape and everything crazy and violent the people in the audience will need a laugh. So I'm casting Dave Attell as Dr. Paul Lentaligist. Attell to me is the second funniest human being alive and I would want his first take every time he delivered a line, I'd also demand he ad-lib constantly and give me tips on how to make the movie better. I'm prepared to make a movie with Attell as my Brando.

Paul could play the role of constantly hitting on Sue and making the situation unprofessional. Peaking in a scene where he pulls his dick out and asks her "the deliciousaurus got out of its cage". Here's part of the only dialogue I've settled on lately.


Paul Lentaligist: I'm Paul
Sue Aulogeus: I met you last year at a conference
P: oh I'm sorry I've met so many people over the past couple years I can't remember anyone
S: yeah you were shelling your book
P: which one I have 4 best sellers. Have you ever read one?
S: no I don't read fiction
P: Ouch, that was mean, who's that? *pointing to picture of old man sue just pulled out of her bag*
S: my father
P: *takes picture from her*
*crumbles it up*
*throws it at her*
S: GASP!
P:4 BEST SELLERS YOU SLOB!
*walks off*
S: *cries uncontrollably*


I should spend more time on this. It seems too fucking amazing to not make.

oh wait I brought up Scarlet Johansson so I'm justified in posting this.

soon my brain became stained with the horror.

part two of my not yet determined total of number of ideas to fix horror movies is here. after 0 await here we go.

2 familiarized monsters/antagonists becoming sympathetic protagonists and understanding their plight.

After a while they just become Freddy and Jason and by the 4th time you see them your totally disassociated with the fact their evil and blah you end up rooting for them. Its like Jurassic park 3. By this point you don't care if anyone but the t-rex lives just have something happen on what I think is a movie screen. I hate to go back to Final Destination but when a movie gets you to do nothing but hope the protagonist fail. Then what do you have? You've reversed antagonist and protagonist into a movie where you want the bad guy to kill the people you are supposed to be identifying with. So in theory, modern horror movies have forced their audiences to want themselves to die. Disaster movies don't even achieve that with the new movies. With the exception of Dante's Inferno, which i still fall for constantly when its on tv, nothing worse than expecting an account for one of the most carefully written stories of all time and finding Pierce Brosnan saving people's life with not just his resources in his mind but with brute force and practical application of survival techniques. This movie was so miscast I'm surprised Denise Richards wasn't added in as the respectable nuclear physicist like she was in that fucking James Bond movie from the 90s. Speaking of which do you think if someone gave you 10 days notice an unimaginable amount of resources and cash do you think you could find Denise Richards career?

GAH!!!


Anyways back to the topic, just kidding, more Pierce Brosnan bashing. How could a handsome well spoken British man still miss being charming? He's such an embarrassment to humanity, he's like Europe's version of Hasselhoff. He's so unlikable its remarkable how he missed his calling as an 80s bad guy, my world's exposure to Pierce Brosnan should've started and stopped with Steven Segal or JCVD killing him off by flare gun to propane pipe rupture. I read an interview one time with Pierce where he referred to himself as "anti-Hollywood" and "an old lion that no one wants to approach because I can pick my projects now" this was after he announced he was retiring from the Bond franchise. But in all reality was him covering the fact that he took Halle Berry after her biggest movie role(not the last boyscout) in Monster's Ball and killed 1/3rd of her momentum, the other 1/3rd being her picking comic book movies as follow ups and then eventually destroying it with Gothika. Anyways Berry wins an Oscar as the best actress of the year, when really it was a "you showed your saggy feeders" award.
get a hold of yourself grandma tits

And its true, her boobs are amazing in bras and when free standing they are hilarious. Remember folks you read it here first, Halle Berry has horrendous tits.

as not evidenced here.


Ok back to horror, the horror that was Die Another Day, James Bond's all time worse movie, plot, cast and action sequences. As some of you will remember this movie featured invisible cars that could drive up walls with spike tires, a car that avoided a missile(while upside down sliding on the ice) by popping the ejector seat barrel rolling itself right side up. In the movie Bond also beats an Olympic level fencer in a fencing match that evolved into a sword fight in a fencing club that people just allowed. A high society fencing club full of well to do's just allowed two men to start kicking over knight armor and furniture so two men could do battle with real swords.


This next sentence is so embarrassing that I'm bolding it so people can read it correctly.


Die Another Day also involved Bond para-sailing on a title wave of melted glacier water on a snowmobile ski and a parachute which he rides back to the bad guys lair. Which in itself is offensive, if it was the only surfing sequence in the movie, but it isn't. Bond leads a navy seal like team into North Korea to begin with via aquatic assault from surfing insertion team of a British counterintelligence team, that of course climaxing in a hovercraft chase scene which ends when he jumps from a full throttle hover craft grabbing a bell when the craft goes off the cliff with a bad guy. That right there is pathetic enough but it goes on. Freshly off of the bell debacle Bond races to Antarctica(no seriously) dealing with an evil satellite (no not like golden eye or Under Siege 2) By the way the villain had an electric suit like he was a spiderman villain for fucks sake and his henchman had diamonds infused into his face like he was... a spiderman villain for fucks sake. I add that sentence with a "by the way" because thats exactly how the movie did it. Oh by the way the villain? Super Suit. No lead into the suit, just hey whats up how are you? How's work been? I hear that man, Yeah fucking A man my life's been the same way ever since I got the electric doom suit. See how that sticks out? Die Another Day is beneath Nia Long, Die Another Day was beneath Stacey Dash, let alone Halle Berry at that moment fresh off of an Oscar. That would be like Daniel Day Lewis winning an Oscar and then signing on to be in Fantastic Four.



Now I'm already over-Salt-ing this movie, especially when the post wasn't even supposed to be about the movie in the first place. But in closing the most unbelievable plot was that Bond was held capture by a Korean prisoner camp was tortured with scorpions and all sorts of unspeakable methods of getting info out of him and he never cracked. Pierce Brosnan was too tough to break. Die Another Day was worse than Catwoman. It was that bad. It was as bad as Swordfish, it was as bad as having to pretend John Travolta and Hugh Jackman didn't just wanna rip each others designer jeans off and keep up the illusion that they are two massively closeted homosexuals acting like hetero men through the entire movie of Swordfish(or any movie where they don't play gays) Nothing against gays, its just that those two guys are so clearly gay and do nothing for the community by living lies.

Google but don't hit search "John Travolta" and see what the first search option is, in no surprise it is the second search option when you search "Hugh Jackman".





Swordfish was so gay Halle Berry's tits couldn't even distract from the gay tension between Jackman and Travolta.
Even the cars and stuntmen in Swordfish loved dick.
Swordfish was so gay it should have been called "Swordfights" and featured a scene where Travolta and Jackman rub their corduroy covered erections against each other until a fire started.
Swordfish was so gay Travolta should have done the smoking the cigarette thing that he likes and demands is in his contract in movies(seriously)and then slow danced with Jackman really close until they both start crying and licking each others faces clear of tears.
Swordfish was so gay that it should have featured them passing a maraschino cherry back between each others mouth for the entire 90 minutes.
Swordfish was so gay Nathan Lane should have been in it as the "Jim the heterosexual neighbor".
Swordfish was so gay it should have been called "There is a Swordfish in our fucking gay asses".
Swordfish was so gay it felt like someone brushed 5 o'clock shadow on my neck every day after i saw it for 3 weeks.
Swordfish was so gay marlins asked to be distanced from the product for fear of backlash from conservative christians.
Swordfish was so gay John Travolta AND Hugh Jackman were in it.




wait... this was supposed to be about horror.

Horror Business 1! 2! 3!

Ok as I said like 2 weeks ago I'm going to start giving ideas as to how I would fix modern day horror movies. Just for the sake of this discussion we are going to go with the last 30 years of movies. Obviously the Hitchcock movies have a lot to teach us but those have been discussed at nausea. So 30 year cap. Starting. Now!

1 Suspense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actual suspense!!!! Not the Hollywood version of this in the 21st century. The void of happening. The consequence-free filler. Not having anything happen. Characters pressing pause on themselves and the story line is not suspense. Fuck modern horror movies for even selling that. You don't want the audience sitting around going "holy shit do something" when the whole point of a movie is to take the audience with you on a magic journey of wonderment. When you let a movie kind of just stop and sit there in the absence of anything of anything you've stopped watching a movie and you are now just watching flashing lights that oddly correspond to make images on a wall. To really address suspense you have to go to The Thing.


In The Thing you were hoping shit would stop happening. I actually wished for a quick fix and end the movie an hour sooner than needed. People would get infected spaceship unearthed and you're starting to beg for them to get on a helicopter and drop a nuke. I remember distinctly not even 30 minutes into the movie after already seeing it 3 times hoping they'd just quarantine the parasite successfully host seeker thing and go about maintaining the base for the remaining hour just to avoid my mind having to deal with the stimulation of my terror clit. A horror movie succeeds when you sit there wishing you rented a documentary about a dull military base in the south pole. Its like watching Dune and thinking, I hope there's enough spice for everyone to be happy. The very heat of conflict itself is enough to turn your stomach.

A perfect example of failure to build suspense was when I saw Jason in Space I got mad the title and opening credits took so long because that could've been more Jason killing stuff time. Jason in Space is an awful example of modern horror movies but when the first 20 minutes of a movie seem like a chore in order to get to the conflict you've achieved what I have deemed the Salt wormhole where you've time traveled to the future and you're bullshit the movie hasn't caught up to you.
especially when jason is swinging a girl in a sleeping bag into a tree


The Thing and the original Halloween did an exceptional job of building suspense and they didn't do it in the modern horror sense of just having nothing happen. Like in Final destination having a screw loosen itself slowly when things like that happen you're just building anticipation while you quietly hope someone will die then you realize "holy shit I'm watching a movie where literally nothing is happening." Other than me wanting characters that strive to survive through a horrible ordeal (the point of the movie) to fail and to die.

No matter how obvious they are no one under the age of 35 gets my arthur references.

I love annie hall but whenever alvy addresses the camera in active 4th wall breaking naration I'm like "well I'm just watching a fucking movie"

Jurrasic Park 4 pt2 of way too many

Ok lets just do a basic outline of the script real quick.

WHERE

For the sake of this story we are pretending that 1 was the only JP movie as it is to most people to begin with. Of course it doesn't matter that the bastard son of JP, JP2 happened it really had no impact on anything unless that was the movie where the t-rex came back to the mainland in which case we have to pretend that didn't happen. With out a doubt we have to forget that 3 happened. I wish I could forget it too. That way the idea of re-visiting the park wouldn't have the stench of past failure and lost money....kind of like the existing sequels.


So the majority of this movie takes place but where else....ON THE FUCKING ISLAND because no one gives a shit about the other islands where back up dinosaurs were made. And with all due respect to the Jurassic Park 3 writing staff (who obviously know what you're doing anyway taking a huge franchise and fucking destroying it completely killing the money printing machine and any heat a potential 4th movie could have had ANY MONEY I COULD HAVE MADE OFF THIS MOVIE HAS BEEN SLASHED BY A 5TH BY THESE FUCKING JERK OFFS) anyways, as an aside to the JP3 writers, you're a disgrace for not even involving the original island and it was nothing but being fucking lazy to not involve it. They had no reasoning to move to a second Beta Island, other than needing an excuse to have boats to be able to land on said island with out it without anyone in the audience saying "why would anyone go there?". The nerve of JP3 writers going "fuck it dude, new island?" What's the difference? Why couldn't people just have gotten off course and fucking....Anyways. The setting : the fucking park that is Jurassic.
plus can you imagine how much pussy I could get if I brought a broad to this place on a movie shoot?




Plot!!!:
Why go back? Hammond is dead (evolved since I saw jp2 from Hammond wants to go back) and his son John Hammond the second played by Nicolas Cage(steady now) wants to try and re-imagine the park and make it shittier and try and sell toys (movie critique inside movie BRILLIANT!!). So he gathers investors and workers in the first 8 minutes of the movie leading to he and his 100+ man team show up to take over the island put lizards in cages. Rebuild. Promote. Produce. Always Be Closing.


Anyways you just probably spit on your monitor but if I may answer your question: why Nicolas Cage?!?

4 reasons.

1. Nic Cage is the perfect age to be Hammond's son and the father of the two kids from the first one.

2. Say what you will about Cage, homeboy can play neurotic eccentric billionaire buffoon who didn't earn anything so much as just hit the DNA lottery.

3. You have to want the character to be unlikable. And no one likes Cage and thus when raptors jump on him gut his stomach and a trex bites his torso off at the nipples the crowd will douse each other with popcorn out of excitement.

4. We're not exactly making A Clockwork Orange or 8 1/2. We're making a fucking sequel to a movie about dinosaur zoo.

come on!! he's so in.


Nic is one of the few characters/actors who I've had cast since I was 15 or whatever and didn't remove because I realized he was just me taking a character from literature or changed the actor because that person is no longer in the class to appear in a movie like this(like Neve Campbell falling off the face of the earth). He just kind of makes sense in a movie like this, not too serious of a movie but won't do the whole thing a disservice by being attached to it. He can be unlikable(which is key here) and he can carry a big budget movie(into the ground where I plan on driving this movie and whatever movie company that is dumb enough to hire me for this). I don't HATE Nic Cage but I'm certainly not completely in love with him.

So JH2 assembles a team of rustlers/former armed forces guys/zoologists/wranglers/animal controllers/misc people. All in all a team of loosely 100 go to the island now the high number is key. It has to be a high number and for some of you who are wondering why so many people? Won't that be a clusterfuck? We're going to over saturate the story line with humans!!!

All relevant point until I give you the reasoning. I need a lot of people in this movie because, I want a lot of people to die on this island.

Oh by the way its a rated R horror film featuring full frontal nudity, violence, adult language racism, consumption of human flesh, sexism, bigotry, gore, automatic weapons, explosions, tits, severe anatomical disassembling of humans and probably male rape by a triceratops.