Horror Business 1! 2!

To me the horror genre has kind of been in neutral for a while revving its engine that pale douche bags with the video game and message board depleted social skills of mr Bean insist is a 552 big block but really is a golf cart engine. Now its funny for me to call out fan boys when I collect comics and play fantasy sports and would rather watch Hong Kong action movies than have the burden of fucking a girl present itself. But I don't really fall into any fan boy columns, not that I'm an individual. I'm just too afraid of commitment. Art house movies are too pretentious, comic book movies are always letdowns, anime movies are for children who hate their genitals horror movies are all over-hyped piles of garbage. I'm shocked these movies still make money. If I wasn't already disgusted with the American public and teenagers I'd be really upset with this.

When it comes to horror I like the psychological ones like The Shining and The Thing. So right away I've pretty much just said "I like thrillers" but lets just say they're horror movies just to give horror a fighting chance(don't worry if this is a stretch for you later I'm gonna include Predator) The problem is those movies are almost 30 years old and aside from some intentionally campy movies I've pretty much thought horror as a genre is the biggest failure ever. I loved Shawn of the Dead like everyone else did, actually I've never even seen it. But I'm trying to say I have some appreciation for it I guess. But I really don't because I can't bring myself to watch it. So what am I even typing. "I like the idea of Shawn of the Dead"? I really liked the Evil Dead trilogy and in all honesty thats about as serious as i could take a horror movie thats been made since the early 1980s.


Its always a cheap to say "My favorite horror movies were the Evil Dead" but I do it for a different reason, I say it because I've liked maybe 5 non-Evil Dead horror movies in the last 30 years. No one cares about obscure movies from the 50s and 60s so go fucking call rob zombie and dig fucken ditches and burn through witches with him because no one gives a shit about Zombi with an I and if you do your so fucking full of shit and Bad Boys 2 is better than any of those obscure pieces of shit so go fuck yourself and listen to afi and cosplay with a fat girl.

I have a couple friends really into horror movies and they have to do one of several excuses for the movies before I see them. They always have the same arguments for the gigantic vast chasm of substance in the horror genre. "Japan still makes good horror movies". And right away you're already excusing and needing help from elsewhere to bail out the sinking ship. Its like buying a Toyota and still insisting American Cars deserve a chance. And this will sound like a shitty thing to say but to me at least suspense can't build when I'm reading dialogue at the bottom of a screen, maybe thats why the twist in Old Boy surprised me so much, because I was so disconnected with the plot that when it finally happened I was like "MY LIFE WAS A LIE!!!"

Also with the advent 3d I'm convinced I'll never like a horror movie again. I liked Piranha 3d obviously, but there was a reason. It was a comedy movie, I just don't think a movie with strong 3d ties can ever EVER be taken seriously. Its just impossible for me to suspend disbelief, invest myself in the characters and let the movie rest its delicious balls on my face nothing can take me out of it than ooooh look the shovel is coming at you!!! Its like going to see an opera and the singer mentioning the hometown team. If I saw Luciano Pavorati at the Boston opera house and he yells "GO SOX YANKEES SUCK" I'd be in my car before the next song starts. When a movie plays itself up for the sake of doing it in 3d its just as cheap and stupid and then I sit there thinking "these people are actors" and "this movie sucks dick".

Ok I have a couple plans to rebuild the genre, and it will be a rebuilding process. We have to blow the whole thing up, retire all old characters and ideas and grow together. Now who better to fix a failing franchise than someone who doesn't have the nostalgia problems and won't think "oh but the Saw franchise started out so promising" or "Eli Roth is so likable". So yeah next post will be my first idea out of 3 or 4 to save whats left of this shitfest.