Sherlock Holmes

I'm now typing this review or synopsis or complaint in real time as the movie goes, wanted to try this for a while.


not a good start.


Now I love Downey JR but its movies like this that make me think he wasted a couple months where he could've been filming something wonderful. I suppose I'll feel the same way when I have to see due date. OK this is my second time watching this movie.....and I have no fucking clue what its about.

Downey does a great English accent and I wish I dressed like every man in this movie and had their mustaches. Is this bad guy Stanley Tucci? He looks just like him. Kind of happy his teeth are horrendous. I'm glad another movie wasn't scared enough to bring back the drug a human as to fool a medical professional into thinking they are dead only to secretly be in a coma...or movie or...WHY DO PEOPLE WRITE THIS SHIT. It happening in a fun tongue and cheek semi-comedy semi-action semi-history piece movie like this a fake death can happen without me feeling like a shitfiend. But in Salt a movie I'm supposed to take seriously its just fucking offensive.

Rachel McAdams by the way does a wonderful job of convincing everyone that she is alive even though obviously she is dead. I like to think that Rachel McAdams is cast as an American woman because she couldn't possibly do the entire movie in an English accent. Especially when she can barely do an American one. She is very attractive lady. Annnnnnnd that's about it. She is so utterly replaceable and frankly out of place in this movie a muppet would've stuck out less. The guy who cast her as "the mystique clever femme semi-fatal who may be playing both sides" is such a poor fucking choice. I could talk her into fucking me. I'd just open up recent photos and a list of work of Jennifer Love Hewitt and look at her and say, "this is your future". She would become so instantly depressed and manic that she'd almost have to fuck me just so she doesn't feel sad anymore, well its either fuck me or burn herself with a cigarette lighter, right then.

I guess if Jude Law wasn't standing next to RDjr throughout this entire movie he would be charming and handsome. This was a bad movie choice for Law. He might never be cast again after this fucking blunder. What is he going to bill himself as now? He does the 2nd best English accent in this movie(to an American). He is the second most charming English man in this movie (to an American). He is the second most attractive man(to an American). I can picture his manager and agent picking up phone calls for people who are looking to cast "unlikable Ewen McGregor" or "snarky younger less talented douchier Gary Oldman".

At some point the fucking scientist who finalized the movie script assumed the entire audience would be chemists. What the fuck are these people talking about? Stop making references to powders and compounds like I'm a 19th century alchemist. I could watch this movie pausing to get filled in by Bill Nye and still miss gigantic plot points. The fact that I can't name another(or an actual) chemist is kind of disheartening.

Are you sure the bad guy isn't Stanley Tucci?

Mark Strong, not Stanley Tucci
Stanley Tucci not Mark Strong

Does anyone understand this secret order free masony sub plot? My nose whistles when I breathe out, its the most entertaining part about this movie right now. I sit around killing time until RDjr is back on screen the guy is a complete delight. I love the band saw scene. He's about to cut Rachel Mcadams in half via a fucking bandsaw in a slaughter house. Makes me think that the guy is just dastardly. Later he's gonna tie her to train tracks or hand cuff her next to a bomb with a long fuse, then he's gonna enter the Wacky Races with his dog Mutly.



Its the ending of this movie that's so offensive. What the fuck even happens? They try to summarize things up in a rush of flashbacks but it just becomes fucking confusing. When a writer of a movie buries you under boxes of questions it sucks when you don't get to open them individually and enjoy the answers. Instead the movie just rips you from under the pile and says "dude fuck those boxes who needz em?!" Now you're out of the boxes and suddenly the credits are rolling and you're left with 0 answers other than the cliffhanger ending. Which is tremendous for me. Because now I refuse to see the sequel.

This is why this movie is a disappointment. RDjr is one of the best actors of all time and he's in a movie with an ok cast and a great plot to a movie being a period piece of a brilliant quirky detective foiling a plot to over throw a government. And when it lands hot piss short of it its as upsetting as seeing that Bruce Willis' version of 'Under the Board Walk' making a Best of Motown compilation multi-disc set. This movie had Marvin Gaye for an actor and The Funk Brothers for a setting and plot and then had Ke$ha for a story execution. I'm fucking freezing.