woody...hahahahaha get it?

You ever lay down at night and realize your opening thought is about to cost you an hour of sleep? Like you took a sip of fourloko and now you're gonna be up and above all completely illogical in your thinking for the next several minutes slugging your self esteem with a shovel.

Wait....disregard that whole fucking thing.

Writing about Woody Allen movies at this point is kind of disgusting. Especially when my launching point is Manhattan and Annie Hall, these are basically the only two. But in all actuality it extends to the common question/punchline brought up in Woody Allen movies. Why does small unattractive Woody always get really attractive younger woman. And the answer is simple.

He is a Millionaire Jew living in Manhattan with a fucking career in show business. The women he is fucking in these movies are beneath him! I don't get why people get on Woody for always casting himself to be the counterpart to a beautiful woman. I'm honestly trying to figure out why he wouldn't be banging a young attractive woman. Dude has apartments in Manhattan for fucks sake, as far as i know thats like owning Pepsi at this point.


anyways lets get to why I really broke like this.

Vicky Christina Barcelona makes me feel like such an inadequate piece of fuckslop.Vicky Christina Barcelona believe it or not takes place in fucking god damn it Barcelona, and involves what could be the pinnacle of everything every uncultured American piece of garbage like me hates. A well read, well to do, Spanish painter living in an antique breath taking Spanish sprawling villa. Meanwhile I watch hockey and I watched that entire movie thinking "wow this sucks thank god I will never be there."

WHAT HUMAN BEING DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO SPAIN?!?!?!?
I really am an inferior piece of shit in every way to Javier Bardem. Jesus Christ you fucking baby. So well there's nothing better for me to do in a situation like this than to completely slag an attractive woman.

Penelope Cruz could be the most attractive girl on this shitty rock of fuck called Earth and on top of it is a fantastic actress. So now you're thinking, I thought you would be smashing an attractive woman, well guess what dick there is another A list set of tits in this movie, The other set unfortunately is not nearly of talented. This is why Allen is brilliant, what better way to spike Cruz's effort in this movie as the beautiful and fiery Spanish woman than to pair her with what could be the flattest actress in modern cinema, Scarlett Johansson. This pairing did so little for Scarlett Johansson After the world saw her in this movie she basically get blown off the screen consistently over and over by Cruz. She packed in the idea of her as an indy thrill and immediately gave up the heavy acting scene and booked Iron Man 2.

Watching her be all angry in Spanish is just crazy and a major turn on and I can only assume for an American woman helps her feel just as obsolete compared to how Javier Bardem makes me feel.

Its ironic I watch this movie while my lady friend is in Europe, it coincides perfectly with me obsessing that she is doing nothing but fucking Spanish and Italian men while I sit here in my ocean of inadequacy writing about fucking Woody Allen movies. Which I couldn't blame her. If I was her I'd fuck European guys. I'm sitting here too tired to play xbox. What type of piece of garbage is too tired to play xbox? And not even well mind you, I have a fucking .89 k/d ratio last fucking match. Why do people sign up to play Domination if they are not going to commit to the game type. Fluffing their K/Ds in objective games is the truest sign of a fucking child. Its easy to shoot people when they're laying down prone next to a flag for 50 seconds. Right now Javier Bardem is drinking 30 year old wine while I'm toiling away on Call of who gives a fucksduty.
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Scarlett is so over her head in these movies its fucking crazy. These are heavy character driven stories and she is so flat that its beyond ironic her body is so not flat. Scarlett Johansson is an atrocious inarticulate actress. And as bad as completely overshadowed Johansson is by Cruz Johansson overshadows Rebecca Hall. Hall is the Vicky in the story. As bad at depth and the illusion of thought that Johansson has Hall surpasses it with complete staleness and inability to deliver lines to sound like a human being. She seems like she's reading off of cue cards the entire time, Johansson looks like she belongs in the story and doesn't take anything away from it, she's just crushingly boring in it. Its kind of funny that the movie is called Vicky Christina and both of them turn into afterthoughts in their title roles. It would be like Robocop being about Murphy's friend that you meet 35 minutes into the movie, and then in the final hour Murphy's friend completely steals the movie from Murphy and ED-209.




Anyways this post comes from frustration and inadequacy.
And because I realize if I was ever in a situation like this I wouldn't be Cruz, I wouldn't be Johansson, I'd be boring as life Hall.

This is a cave in.