so pitted.

To Die Another Day is on cable. Its fucking disgusting. Brosnan and Halle Berry have the on screen chemistry of two cardboard boxes stacked at a offsetting angles in a musky warehouse. Alas, rather than hammer a shit movie into the ground I'd rather knock a good one.

Brad Pitts acting in Inglorious Basterds missed tongue and cheek campy and just went on to distracting and poor. I can't believe Eli Roth was better at making the jewbear who yelled out about "Teddy Ball Game" and "Fenway Fucken Pahhhhk" seem more believable than Pitt did with a hardened army platoon leader. Pitt's been such a great actor in the past too that this came as a real surprise. I think he has at least, maybe he hasn't, I don't know. Just about everybody in this fuck movie out does Pitt, people I never heard of or saw before make Pitt look like an overdone asshole. The fucking shit from The American Office shines next to him, its not even fair to bring up "The Jew Hunter" in comparison but for fuck sakes the german actress lady and the british agent blow Pitt out of the water. It gets to the point where you begin to resent Tarantino for letting it go on. But then I noticed that in parts it becomes less overbearing and awful.

The first scene when he says he would like to get his nat-zee scalps is fucking piss poor. Its Pierce Brosnan bad, if not worse. It crushes the movie at parts. It just undoes your ability to fall into a movie like in any part of the movie like when a phone number has 555 in it or when a movie has a voice over which is another outdated lazy way of making a movie. If you can't articulate through scenes what you're trying to convey then just fucking don't make movies. However later in the movie the whole act kind of gets watered down a little, I like to think Tarantino had a talk with Pitt. Much like the one he had to have with Travolta, except he asked Pitt to stop sucking on film and HERE COMES A GAY JOKE ABOUT TRAVOLTA. I know movies are seldom filmed chronologically but it seems like the longer the movie went the less and less the accent and diction was a problem.

I realize no one else may share my views on things but its so fucking distracting when you try to accept another reality and someone does something to remind you that you're just looking at light and sound. Brad Pitt kept knocking me out of being able to suspend belief. Now it seems like I'm knocking Pitt but I never watch Daniel Day Lewis movies and go "dude thats fucken ddl" when he's acting. Every time Pitt talked it seemed like I was saying "heres brad again being a dick". When I watched scary movies as a kid my cousin told me "its only a movie they're actors I never get scared" and I wondered what the fuck is the point of watching movies then? If you can defeat the whole point of immersion than why bother watching anything in the fuck first place?! I always thought the whole point of a movie was to get into the idea of a story taking place and you were looking in on it. When you just think "I'm looking at actors doing their job" to me its just worthless. Its almost as unfortunate as Heather Graham's career after she thought that she didn't have to show her tits anymore.

And to answer your question YES I decided to attack Pitt based on his relationship with Clydesdale Jolie. And to answer your other question Swordfish is openly celebrating the repeal on don't ask don't tell. This will make like 8 posts in a row with the Swordfish tag.

Speaking of out of control flying homosexuality.

For those of you who didn't see this Hugh Jackman got hurt while ziplining in to Oprah.

What it doesn't say in this report is that the professionals who set up the rig weren't to blame for the lack of brakes but it was a cruel joke by one of them for saying "theres a big dick at the bottom" Jackman was worked up into a froth and went recklessly down the zipline with no caution in what Oprah producers referred to as "cock fever".

yes i could have worded all that better but its like 2 and i'm fucking spent

soon my brain became stained with the horror.

part two of my not yet determined total of number of ideas to fix horror movies is here. after 0 await here we go.

2 familiarized monsters/antagonists becoming sympathetic protagonists and understanding their plight.

After a while they just become Freddy and Jason and by the 4th time you see them your totally disassociated with the fact their evil and blah you end up rooting for them. Its like Jurassic park 3. By this point you don't care if anyone but the t-rex lives just have something happen on what I think is a movie screen. I hate to go back to Final Destination but when a movie gets you to do nothing but hope the protagonist fail. Then what do you have? You've reversed antagonist and protagonist into a movie where you want the bad guy to kill the people you are supposed to be identifying with. So in theory, modern horror movies have forced their audiences to want themselves to die. Disaster movies don't even achieve that with the new movies. With the exception of Dante's Inferno, which i still fall for constantly when its on tv, nothing worse than expecting an account for one of the most carefully written stories of all time and finding Pierce Brosnan saving people's life with not just his resources in his mind but with brute force and practical application of survival techniques. This movie was so miscast I'm surprised Denise Richards wasn't added in as the respectable nuclear physicist like she was in that fucking James Bond movie from the 90s. Speaking of which do you think if someone gave you 10 days notice an unimaginable amount of resources and cash do you think you could find Denise Richards career?

GAH!!!


Anyways back to the topic, just kidding, more Pierce Brosnan bashing. How could a handsome well spoken British man still miss being charming? He's such an embarrassment to humanity, he's like Europe's version of Hasselhoff. He's so unlikable its remarkable how he missed his calling as an 80s bad guy, my world's exposure to Pierce Brosnan should've started and stopped with Steven Segal or JCVD killing him off by flare gun to propane pipe rupture. I read an interview one time with Pierce where he referred to himself as "anti-Hollywood" and "an old lion that no one wants to approach because I can pick my projects now" this was after he announced he was retiring from the Bond franchise. But in all reality was him covering the fact that he took Halle Berry after her biggest movie role(not the last boyscout) in Monster's Ball and killed 1/3rd of her momentum, the other 1/3rd being her picking comic book movies as follow ups and then eventually destroying it with Gothika. Anyways Berry wins an Oscar as the best actress of the year, when really it was a "you showed your saggy feeders" award.
get a hold of yourself grandma tits

And its true, her boobs are amazing in bras and when free standing they are hilarious. Remember folks you read it here first, Halle Berry has horrendous tits.

as not evidenced here.


Ok back to horror, the horror that was Die Another Day, James Bond's all time worse movie, plot, cast and action sequences. As some of you will remember this movie featured invisible cars that could drive up walls with spike tires, a car that avoided a missile(while upside down sliding on the ice) by popping the ejector seat barrel rolling itself right side up. In the movie Bond also beats an Olympic level fencer in a fencing match that evolved into a sword fight in a fencing club that people just allowed. A high society fencing club full of well to do's just allowed two men to start kicking over knight armor and furniture so two men could do battle with real swords.


This next sentence is so embarrassing that I'm bolding it so people can read it correctly.


Die Another Day also involved Bond para-sailing on a title wave of melted glacier water on a snowmobile ski and a parachute which he rides back to the bad guys lair. Which in itself is offensive, if it was the only surfing sequence in the movie, but it isn't. Bond leads a navy seal like team into North Korea to begin with via aquatic assault from surfing insertion team of a British counterintelligence team, that of course climaxing in a hovercraft chase scene which ends when he jumps from a full throttle hover craft grabbing a bell when the craft goes off the cliff with a bad guy. That right there is pathetic enough but it goes on. Freshly off of the bell debacle Bond races to Antarctica(no seriously) dealing with an evil satellite (no not like golden eye or Under Siege 2) By the way the villain had an electric suit like he was a spiderman villain for fucks sake and his henchman had diamonds infused into his face like he was... a spiderman villain for fucks sake. I add that sentence with a "by the way" because thats exactly how the movie did it. Oh by the way the villain? Super Suit. No lead into the suit, just hey whats up how are you? How's work been? I hear that man, Yeah fucking A man my life's been the same way ever since I got the electric doom suit. See how that sticks out? Die Another Day is beneath Nia Long, Die Another Day was beneath Stacey Dash, let alone Halle Berry at that moment fresh off of an Oscar. That would be like Daniel Day Lewis winning an Oscar and then signing on to be in Fantastic Four.



Now I'm already over-Salt-ing this movie, especially when the post wasn't even supposed to be about the movie in the first place. But in closing the most unbelievable plot was that Bond was held capture by a Korean prisoner camp was tortured with scorpions and all sorts of unspeakable methods of getting info out of him and he never cracked. Pierce Brosnan was too tough to break. Die Another Day was worse than Catwoman. It was that bad. It was as bad as Swordfish, it was as bad as having to pretend John Travolta and Hugh Jackman didn't just wanna rip each others designer jeans off and keep up the illusion that they are two massively closeted homosexuals acting like hetero men through the entire movie of Swordfish(or any movie where they don't play gays) Nothing against gays, its just that those two guys are so clearly gay and do nothing for the community by living lies.

Google but don't hit search "John Travolta" and see what the first search option is, in no surprise it is the second search option when you search "Hugh Jackman".





Swordfish was so gay Halle Berry's tits couldn't even distract from the gay tension between Jackman and Travolta.
Even the cars and stuntmen in Swordfish loved dick.
Swordfish was so gay it should have been called "Swordfights" and featured a scene where Travolta and Jackman rub their corduroy covered erections against each other until a fire started.
Swordfish was so gay Travolta should have done the smoking the cigarette thing that he likes and demands is in his contract in movies(seriously)and then slow danced with Jackman really close until they both start crying and licking each others faces clear of tears.
Swordfish was so gay that it should have featured them passing a maraschino cherry back between each others mouth for the entire 90 minutes.
Swordfish was so gay Nathan Lane should have been in it as the "Jim the heterosexual neighbor".
Swordfish was so gay it should have been called "There is a Swordfish in our fucking gay asses".
Swordfish was so gay it felt like someone brushed 5 o'clock shadow on my neck every day after i saw it for 3 weeks.
Swordfish was so gay marlins asked to be distanced from the product for fear of backlash from conservative christians.
Swordfish was so gay John Travolta AND Hugh Jackman were in it.




wait... this was supposed to be about horror.