LOTR IS LOL part1

So I'm going to try and point out how stupid and really mundane the lotr movies are by just writing a general summary. And to do this I'm subjecting myself to 12 hours of a movie that I genuinely don't like. If I repeat myself its not to be redundant but only because the events described happens more than once. Which isn't shocking because 3 3hour+ movies have the same shit over and over.

So we open on a stupid gummy bear village with stumpy trolls who have haircuts like they're in shitty interpol cover acts. This fuckpot of a place looks like a bad renaissance fair. This looks like a nightmare to live in. I'd fucking eat glass if I was born in these times. Living in hills and being goat height. Fucking miserable pricks. Anyways I'm dragging on about something the producers and art direction spent maybe 40 minutes on setting up. So let's move on to the actual set up of this movie.

The set up!! One of the gummy bears finds a ring. And that's it by chance a ring is found. There you go. A ring. So anyways an electric wizard comes across the gummy bear and recognizes the ring. Apparently the ring is haunted and they have to bring said ring to a volcano to destroy it. The volcano is really really far away and the only way to get there is to walk. Horses are out of the question apparently. But then again they need to stretch out a movie out of a introductory book where nothing really happens. I can't believe anyone made it to the second book. Or the second star wars.

Gummy bear is of course upset about this immeasurable task and is completely overwhelmed by the scale of it, magneto convinces him to do it in about 40 seconds, magneto then reveals after that wizard won't help him right away, or get them a horse or even a sword or a magic spell and makes a defenseless gummy bear walk a really long distance to some shitty bar. While on the way to the shitty bar the gummy bear and his gummy pals(Rudy, band guy from lost, and the other) almost get caught, but don't thus avoiding something happening.

Anyway once they get to the bar they run into a guide, sent by no one and his very appearance is kind of strange, or maybe he was sent to protect the gummy bear. Either way its a waste of time. So after they fake out some evil ghosts with pillows they walk a really long distance. To an elf castle. While on the way to the elf castle the gummy bear suffers a fatal stabbing but lives....for no reason.

Anyways while at the elf castle David Bowie elf tells gummy bear, the magneto and gang that...yeah they gotta go throw the ring into the volcano. To get there they'd have to travel over some mountains and stuff. Not realizing between the 17 of them that mountain travel can be pretty heavy in a climatic they walk a really long distance just to turn around. They then decide to take the subway. While in the subway they run into a pile of yet another small race of subhumans that I will call gremlins and they have resident evil 4 giants.



One of the giants even kills the gummy bear. But for no real apparent reason he lives, thus pretty much defeating the value of any of the adversaries in this movie as killable pieces of shit that even when they kill you it doesn't matter because you'll live. Oh well. The gummy bear has died more times than Hugh Jackman did in the prestige. Despite being armed with no rocket launchers the crew eventually kill the fuck out of the re4 giants and start killing some of the gremlins. But then there's a bigger giant that they're supposed to not be able to kill despite killing the last giants pretty easily. And while they're running away magneto dies.

So they get out of the subway and they meet up with a lady who for some reason wasn't casted as Tilda Swinton. Who by the way must be the least attractive woman I've masturbated to multiple times.



Wow this one elf at elf endor looks like a combination of John Lovitz and Tomas Kaberle. Funniest quote of the movie so far is when draculawizard is trying to motivate the army of worf from star trek the next generations "YOU WILL TASTE MAN FLESH" If I directed this movie I'd have one orc in pink garb go "thweet"

So then they're attacked by a gang of worf from the next generations after a thrilling canooeing scene. And in the magnificently over in 2 minutes fight Trevalin from GoldenEye and GoldenEye64 is killed and it would suck if you had any idea who the guy was had he been introduced or explained given any back story or maybe god forbid had more than 4 speaking lines and how he was at all different then the other guy who looked just like him that was in eastern promises but fuck you he's dead DEEEEEEEEEAL with it.

Anyways they split up. 9 guys go one way and Rudy and gummy bear go another. It makes no sense why they only have like 9 guys. The fate of the world depends on killing the ring you'd think there would be armies but there aren't. And even with out the army maybe 5 guys could've gone with the gummy bear that's already been fatally stabbed twice. But hey what do I know. Apparently I'm just a dickhead.

soon my brain became stained with the horror.

part two of my not yet determined total of number of ideas to fix horror movies is here. after 0 await here we go.

2 familiarized monsters/antagonists becoming sympathetic protagonists and understanding their plight.

After a while they just become Freddy and Jason and by the 4th time you see them your totally disassociated with the fact their evil and blah you end up rooting for them. Its like Jurassic park 3. By this point you don't care if anyone but the t-rex lives just have something happen on what I think is a movie screen. I hate to go back to Final Destination but when a movie gets you to do nothing but hope the protagonist fail. Then what do you have? You've reversed antagonist and protagonist into a movie where you want the bad guy to kill the people you are supposed to be identifying with. So in theory, modern horror movies have forced their audiences to want themselves to die. Disaster movies don't even achieve that with the new movies. With the exception of Dante's Inferno, which i still fall for constantly when its on tv, nothing worse than expecting an account for one of the most carefully written stories of all time and finding Pierce Brosnan saving people's life with not just his resources in his mind but with brute force and practical application of survival techniques. This movie was so miscast I'm surprised Denise Richards wasn't added in as the respectable nuclear physicist like she was in that fucking James Bond movie from the 90s. Speaking of which do you think if someone gave you 10 days notice an unimaginable amount of resources and cash do you think you could find Denise Richards career?

GAH!!!


Anyways back to the topic, just kidding, more Pierce Brosnan bashing. How could a handsome well spoken British man still miss being charming? He's such an embarrassment to humanity, he's like Europe's version of Hasselhoff. He's so unlikable its remarkable how he missed his calling as an 80s bad guy, my world's exposure to Pierce Brosnan should've started and stopped with Steven Segal or JCVD killing him off by flare gun to propane pipe rupture. I read an interview one time with Pierce where he referred to himself as "anti-Hollywood" and "an old lion that no one wants to approach because I can pick my projects now" this was after he announced he was retiring from the Bond franchise. But in all reality was him covering the fact that he took Halle Berry after her biggest movie role(not the last boyscout) in Monster's Ball and killed 1/3rd of her momentum, the other 1/3rd being her picking comic book movies as follow ups and then eventually destroying it with Gothika. Anyways Berry wins an Oscar as the best actress of the year, when really it was a "you showed your saggy feeders" award.
get a hold of yourself grandma tits

And its true, her boobs are amazing in bras and when free standing they are hilarious. Remember folks you read it here first, Halle Berry has horrendous tits.

as not evidenced here.


Ok back to horror, the horror that was Die Another Day, James Bond's all time worse movie, plot, cast and action sequences. As some of you will remember this movie featured invisible cars that could drive up walls with spike tires, a car that avoided a missile(while upside down sliding on the ice) by popping the ejector seat barrel rolling itself right side up. In the movie Bond also beats an Olympic level fencer in a fencing match that evolved into a sword fight in a fencing club that people just allowed. A high society fencing club full of well to do's just allowed two men to start kicking over knight armor and furniture so two men could do battle with real swords.


This next sentence is so embarrassing that I'm bolding it so people can read it correctly.


Die Another Day also involved Bond para-sailing on a title wave of melted glacier water on a snowmobile ski and a parachute which he rides back to the bad guys lair. Which in itself is offensive, if it was the only surfing sequence in the movie, but it isn't. Bond leads a navy seal like team into North Korea to begin with via aquatic assault from surfing insertion team of a British counterintelligence team, that of course climaxing in a hovercraft chase scene which ends when he jumps from a full throttle hover craft grabbing a bell when the craft goes off the cliff with a bad guy. That right there is pathetic enough but it goes on. Freshly off of the bell debacle Bond races to Antarctica(no seriously) dealing with an evil satellite (no not like golden eye or Under Siege 2) By the way the villain had an electric suit like he was a spiderman villain for fucks sake and his henchman had diamonds infused into his face like he was... a spiderman villain for fucks sake. I add that sentence with a "by the way" because thats exactly how the movie did it. Oh by the way the villain? Super Suit. No lead into the suit, just hey whats up how are you? How's work been? I hear that man, Yeah fucking A man my life's been the same way ever since I got the electric doom suit. See how that sticks out? Die Another Day is beneath Nia Long, Die Another Day was beneath Stacey Dash, let alone Halle Berry at that moment fresh off of an Oscar. That would be like Daniel Day Lewis winning an Oscar and then signing on to be in Fantastic Four.



Now I'm already over-Salt-ing this movie, especially when the post wasn't even supposed to be about the movie in the first place. But in closing the most unbelievable plot was that Bond was held capture by a Korean prisoner camp was tortured with scorpions and all sorts of unspeakable methods of getting info out of him and he never cracked. Pierce Brosnan was too tough to break. Die Another Day was worse than Catwoman. It was that bad. It was as bad as Swordfish, it was as bad as having to pretend John Travolta and Hugh Jackman didn't just wanna rip each others designer jeans off and keep up the illusion that they are two massively closeted homosexuals acting like hetero men through the entire movie of Swordfish(or any movie where they don't play gays) Nothing against gays, its just that those two guys are so clearly gay and do nothing for the community by living lies.

Google but don't hit search "John Travolta" and see what the first search option is, in no surprise it is the second search option when you search "Hugh Jackman".





Swordfish was so gay Halle Berry's tits couldn't even distract from the gay tension between Jackman and Travolta.
Even the cars and stuntmen in Swordfish loved dick.
Swordfish was so gay it should have been called "Swordfights" and featured a scene where Travolta and Jackman rub their corduroy covered erections against each other until a fire started.
Swordfish was so gay Travolta should have done the smoking the cigarette thing that he likes and demands is in his contract in movies(seriously)and then slow danced with Jackman really close until they both start crying and licking each others faces clear of tears.
Swordfish was so gay that it should have featured them passing a maraschino cherry back between each others mouth for the entire 90 minutes.
Swordfish was so gay Nathan Lane should have been in it as the "Jim the heterosexual neighbor".
Swordfish was so gay it should have been called "There is a Swordfish in our fucking gay asses".
Swordfish was so gay it felt like someone brushed 5 o'clock shadow on my neck every day after i saw it for 3 weeks.
Swordfish was so gay marlins asked to be distanced from the product for fear of backlash from conservative christians.
Swordfish was so gay John Travolta AND Hugh Jackman were in it.




wait... this was supposed to be about horror.