LOTR IS LOL part1

So I'm going to try and point out how stupid and really mundane the lotr movies are by just writing a general summary. And to do this I'm subjecting myself to 12 hours of a movie that I genuinely don't like. If I repeat myself its not to be redundant but only because the events described happens more than once. Which isn't shocking because 3 3hour+ movies have the same shit over and over.

So we open on a stupid gummy bear village with stumpy trolls who have haircuts like they're in shitty interpol cover acts. This fuckpot of a place looks like a bad renaissance fair. This looks like a nightmare to live in. I'd fucking eat glass if I was born in these times. Living in hills and being goat height. Fucking miserable pricks. Anyways I'm dragging on about something the producers and art direction spent maybe 40 minutes on setting up. So let's move on to the actual set up of this movie.

The set up!! One of the gummy bears finds a ring. And that's it by chance a ring is found. There you go. A ring. So anyways an electric wizard comes across the gummy bear and recognizes the ring. Apparently the ring is haunted and they have to bring said ring to a volcano to destroy it. The volcano is really really far away and the only way to get there is to walk. Horses are out of the question apparently. But then again they need to stretch out a movie out of a introductory book where nothing really happens. I can't believe anyone made it to the second book. Or the second star wars.

Gummy bear is of course upset about this immeasurable task and is completely overwhelmed by the scale of it, magneto convinces him to do it in about 40 seconds, magneto then reveals after that wizard won't help him right away, or get them a horse or even a sword or a magic spell and makes a defenseless gummy bear walk a really long distance to some shitty bar. While on the way to the shitty bar the gummy bear and his gummy pals(Rudy, band guy from lost, and the other) almost get caught, but don't thus avoiding something happening.

Anyway once they get to the bar they run into a guide, sent by no one and his very appearance is kind of strange, or maybe he was sent to protect the gummy bear. Either way its a waste of time. So after they fake out some evil ghosts with pillows they walk a really long distance. To an elf castle. While on the way to the elf castle the gummy bear suffers a fatal stabbing but lives....for no reason.

Anyways while at the elf castle David Bowie elf tells gummy bear, the magneto and gang that...yeah they gotta go throw the ring into the volcano. To get there they'd have to travel over some mountains and stuff. Not realizing between the 17 of them that mountain travel can be pretty heavy in a climatic they walk a really long distance just to turn around. They then decide to take the subway. While in the subway they run into a pile of yet another small race of subhumans that I will call gremlins and they have resident evil 4 giants.



One of the giants even kills the gummy bear. But for no real apparent reason he lives, thus pretty much defeating the value of any of the adversaries in this movie as killable pieces of shit that even when they kill you it doesn't matter because you'll live. Oh well. The gummy bear has died more times than Hugh Jackman did in the prestige. Despite being armed with no rocket launchers the crew eventually kill the fuck out of the re4 giants and start killing some of the gremlins. But then there's a bigger giant that they're supposed to not be able to kill despite killing the last giants pretty easily. And while they're running away magneto dies.

So they get out of the subway and they meet up with a lady who for some reason wasn't casted as Tilda Swinton. Who by the way must be the least attractive woman I've masturbated to multiple times.



Wow this one elf at elf endor looks like a combination of John Lovitz and Tomas Kaberle. Funniest quote of the movie so far is when draculawizard is trying to motivate the army of worf from star trek the next generations "YOU WILL TASTE MAN FLESH" If I directed this movie I'd have one orc in pink garb go "thweet"

So then they're attacked by a gang of worf from the next generations after a thrilling canooeing scene. And in the magnificently over in 2 minutes fight Trevalin from GoldenEye and GoldenEye64 is killed and it would suck if you had any idea who the guy was had he been introduced or explained given any back story or maybe god forbid had more than 4 speaking lines and how he was at all different then the other guy who looked just like him that was in eastern promises but fuck you he's dead DEEEEEEEEEAL with it.

Anyways they split up. 9 guys go one way and Rudy and gummy bear go another. It makes no sense why they only have like 9 guys. The fate of the world depends on killing the ring you'd think there would be armies but there aren't. And even with out the army maybe 5 guys could've gone with the gummy bear that's already been fatally stabbed twice. But hey what do I know. Apparently I'm just a dickhead.