Horror Business 1! 2! 3!

Ok as I said like 2 weeks ago I'm going to start giving ideas as to how I would fix modern day horror movies. Just for the sake of this discussion we are going to go with the last 30 years of movies. Obviously the Hitchcock movies have a lot to teach us but those have been discussed at nausea. So 30 year cap. Starting. Now!

1 Suspense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actual suspense!!!! Not the Hollywood version of this in the 21st century. The void of happening. The consequence-free filler. Not having anything happen. Characters pressing pause on themselves and the story line is not suspense. Fuck modern horror movies for even selling that. You don't want the audience sitting around going "holy shit do something" when the whole point of a movie is to take the audience with you on a magic journey of wonderment. When you let a movie kind of just stop and sit there in the absence of anything of anything you've stopped watching a movie and you are now just watching flashing lights that oddly correspond to make images on a wall. To really address suspense you have to go to The Thing.


In The Thing you were hoping shit would stop happening. I actually wished for a quick fix and end the movie an hour sooner than needed. People would get infected spaceship unearthed and you're starting to beg for them to get on a helicopter and drop a nuke. I remember distinctly not even 30 minutes into the movie after already seeing it 3 times hoping they'd just quarantine the parasite successfully host seeker thing and go about maintaining the base for the remaining hour just to avoid my mind having to deal with the stimulation of my terror clit. A horror movie succeeds when you sit there wishing you rented a documentary about a dull military base in the south pole. Its like watching Dune and thinking, I hope there's enough spice for everyone to be happy. The very heat of conflict itself is enough to turn your stomach.

A perfect example of failure to build suspense was when I saw Jason in Space I got mad the title and opening credits took so long because that could've been more Jason killing stuff time. Jason in Space is an awful example of modern horror movies but when the first 20 minutes of a movie seem like a chore in order to get to the conflict you've achieved what I have deemed the Salt wormhole where you've time traveled to the future and you're bullshit the movie hasn't caught up to you.
especially when jason is swinging a girl in a sleeping bag into a tree


The Thing and the original Halloween did an exceptional job of building suspense and they didn't do it in the modern horror sense of just having nothing happen. Like in Final destination having a screw loosen itself slowly when things like that happen you're just building anticipation while you quietly hope someone will die then you realize "holy shit I'm watching a movie where literally nothing is happening." Other than me wanting characters that strive to survive through a horrible ordeal (the point of the movie) to fail and to die.

Veruca Re-Salt

Salt. Again.
I tend to obsess on a movie or an idea for a week so bear with me on this one. And for those of you who are rolling their eyes fuck you. This movie was packaged as a smart thinking thriller action movie and its fucking clown shoes stupid. It is build a ramp stupid.

Moving along at a snails pace the worst part to Salt in retrospect other than the name of the movie, the marketing campaign, the bad story line that was basically stolen from Bourne Identity then slapchopped into a shit salsa, the casting of nobodies, her stale acting on top of her refusal to get naked, the complete lack of a twist in a twist ending and the shitty typical cliffhanger ending for the "just in case its a hit we can pump out sequels" Hollywood. THE WORST PART is the lack of respect and foresight for the people they were writing this movie for.

The ideal conditions by the writers would be to have the audience be questioning "What side is she on?" "Why kill the president?" "Was he in on it" "is she a body double?" "is her husband behind this?". The idea is to have the audience guessing and pondering the inevitable twist. But no. Everyone is sitting in the audience is just shifting in their seats thinking "oh god to what length of fucking bullshit will they go to explain this?" "Just get to her being a good guy again" "that president better not just suddenly not be dead later in the movie" "why haven't I seen her fucking tits yet?"

cool shirt dick, now GTFO

That blinding lack of understanding for the audience is the part of the movie where we are supposed to believe that she's actually Russian spy doing harm to America, killing the Russian President, knocking off CIA agents, plotting to kill the President of the USA. The fact the writers talked about doing this, said yes, spent days(or as i assume 45 minutes) hashing out the details of it and never asked: "Don't you think the audience will know they didn't pay 10$ to see a movie where Angelina Jolie actually is a Russian spy who kills people? Won't they know she's just acting like she is to get in deeper with the villains so she can foil it at the very top?" "Don't you think its a bit much for her to watch her husband get shot right in front of her and have a poker face over it?"(that actually happens she watches the guy she is in love with and is on run from the CIA to rescue get capped and then acts like it doesn't bother her. Brains on the wall, and she looks like she just ordered a sandwich from Panera all to keep her cover. She Forrest Gump faces it like oh well no used crying over spilt brain containing membrane and fucking fluid.)

What type of a movie would we be watching then? Besides an original movie that actually did something different. Then again it'd be hard to market a hero to America that kills the President of America....well maybe 12 years ago it would've been not so much now or with Bush but whatever. We would be watching a fucking disaster. It would be too controversial for theaters, at least with an A list talent in it. If some straight to dvd movie starring Amy Smart or Mena Suvari (holy shit remember her?) did this no one would care. When a legitimate star(WHY IS SHE A LEGITIMATE STAR)does something like this its huge. Demi Moore shaved her head and it was apparently so big the Mayans saw it coming.

When you get the entire audience to groan in misery at what you think is a great story arch you're writing a bad movie. The levees have broke and the audience is drowning in your cum. Your story has a million fucking holes in it and your movie stopped being a movie and became a visual chore. When the entire audience knows where the story is going you don't have a movie anymore. When the entire fucking audience is just counting the minutes hoping to see your hero's tits you've lost them. When you lose the entire fucking audience at the end of a movie its just a stupid movie with a bad ending, like Cast Away or Identity or Law Abiding Citizen (I'll get into that soon). Then its forgivable. But to lose your audience 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie and you know they're watching for another hour its fucking selfish and its shitty its something a conniving sociopath does when they aren't in control of themselves and can't help but to spread their shit all over everyone's Panera sandwich I'm hungry. Like when Valerie fucked her step-dad THE NIGHT BEFORE HIS AND HER MOM'S WEDDING just to do it. Its that bad, except i fucking bet the writer doesn't look anything like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen so its forgivable because you'd throw your mom into an alligator tank just to wash her dishes. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen by the way is much better looking than stupid Angelina Jolie AND even just with 90210, Saved by the Bell and Son in Law eclipsed Angelina Jolie's entire fucking body of work. There is nothing about Jolie that is superior in any way outside of lips current husband and hype that beats T-A T.

its upsetting it even gets discussed.

To lose yourself 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie just because the writers are lazy is like going for a walk with an elderly man up a mountain and back down it again. It wouldn't be so bad at first. You go your pace and he goes his. You run up the mountain while he walks slowly then you run down passing him while he's about half way up saying hello and being courteous. But then you get to the bottom and you realize he has the car keys. So you sit there hating the old man for going so slow and hating yourself for going fast. You sit there blaming yourself for not being stupid enough for Salt.

So salt expects people to wait the 40 minutes it takes to get to the finish we all know its coming. Its like when the Macho Man Randy Savage was a good guy. We all know with Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior as good guys that the bad guys needed a big name especially with an Aging Andre the Giant.(personally I think a young Rick Rude and Curt Henning with the pending addition of Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon could've handled the work load as bad guys but were so buried by Hogan at the time that they never got their shot.) We all know you're a bad guy Randy, so just be a fucking bad guy. Except in Salt's case its in reverse. This movie's story is so fucking bad and plaid out its subject to 1987 WWF comparisons. Except they don't have the Elizabeth Jake the Snake Roberts/Undertaker story to get you to like Macho Man first. There is no Summerslam Wedding with Salt, there is no Mega-Power (savage and Hogan) tag team with Salt. There is no Intercontinental Title Feud against Steamboat or Tito Santana with Salt. Theres just fuck you I'm here, I'm not, fooled you guys I'm here. Its a shitty practical joke by someone who isn't funny.

mom and dad

In this movie you're introduced to salt and 8 seconds later she's a villain? Is she? Its not like hey everybody I'd like you to meet Macho Man Randy Savage, he is now your friend and then BANG 2 seconds later he's teaming with Zeus to take on The Mega-Maniacs (Brutus and Hogan) and is a total villain now AREN'T YOU SHOCKED? At first you got used to him as being a good guy, for years he was a good guy, it was over fucking time where the story line built. He and Hogan were giving each other odd looks backstage and then it of course boiled over into the great Elizabeth conflict between he and Hogan. Now obviously Savage started out as a dick being mean to Elizabeth and whatever but obviously we skip ahead to when him and Hogan were teaming up together to take on Mega-Bucks(Million-Dollar Man Ted Dibiase and Andre the Giant)

Just wanted an excuse to post this picture.



This was Savage's peak and there is no fucking denying that and I'm disgusted any of you would say otherwise. To fucking sit around and waste time talking about pre-87 Macho Man is like talking about George Clooney before E.R Cam Neely before he was traded to the Bruins or Sasha Grey before Share My Cock 4, its a waste of time and no one discusses it.


You guys aren't gonna believe this but I found another better looking person who has a more respectable career than Angelina Jolie.



So in the movie i guess you're supposed to be in suspension of disbelief mode, like you are in any other movie but in all honesty I don't know this pig(back to Salt again sorry for the confusion this review is about Salt). She could be a Russian or an American loyalist what do I know? I don't know anything about this woman or her past you introduced me to her as "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" so at the end of the movie when she is "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" I kind of feel like i just got milked for no reason other than someone's sporadic idea to be a fucking dickhead. Its not a growth story when the person ends up exactly the same on the other side, its just an opening paragraph, here is Macho Man and sure enough 90 minutes later here is the same Macho Man. This is like meeting your friend's roommate's girlfriend. And then suddenly discovering she is a racist and then the big reveal that she isn't. Is it shocking? A little? barely? kinda? I mean you're facebook friends with her MAYBE at most. You don't know her last name or what her parents look like but you know what town she is from and maybe what she drives or a loose background about her job if it was in your field at all because if it isn't interesting to any degree you block it out. Is that shocking? An iota, but not as much as when you see a swastika tattoo on your moms chest when you walk in on her in the shower. What's insulting is when you know your friend's roommate's girlfriend isn't racist but she insists you don't know that and carries on like she is. Then later does a TADA and tells you she isn't racist and she's only pretending to be (shut up the analogy works).

So there you are. Over your friends apartment listening to some douche bag in a college sweatshirt she might have gone to that you don't know and could die tonight for all you care; Yell about the Jews when you know she doesn't mean it. Or your mom burns crosses in your neighbor's yard or drags their children behind her minivan. Oh plus you've seen your mom's tits. Unlike Angelina fucking Jolie in this movie.

In-salt to injury

Salt is so bad.
Its so bad I'm about to type a fucking thesis paper about it to hand it over to nobody to read it.


We will revisit Salt as a movie obviously but lets just skip to the hilarity that this movie was even made to begin with and the preconceived notions going into this movie that there is something special about Angelina Jolie.

put your tits away mom

Her personal life is of no concern to me because I'm not a housewife and I don't care about celebrities lives outside of what they do on tv. So I won't get into it but more importantly lets talk about her looks. Now its a given I as any man would have awful sex with her. I would line up to be the worst lay of her life. Having said that, her face, her gibbony face. I don't find her to be the end all be all of attractive female actress and maybe that means something in this discussion as i trash her as an actress but whatever its my shit blog. That being said her tattoos are hilarious and belong on a stripper with a c-scar.


Moving on to her as a celebrity. Who decided she was cool and should be looked up to? What makes her socially acceptable over Kate Hudson or Jennifer Garner? No one looks up to shitty action movie women and thinks they are a staple of modern society yet this slob has transcended from trashy slut who fucked Slingblade in a limo to Mrs. America. To address her place in this world i have to bring up the movie Salt so with out getting into it lets just explain the type of movie it is.


Salt is a piece of unrelenting recycled horseshit from bad James Bond movies. What's upsetting is this is not a movie an A lister makes unless they're known for it.(Schwarzenegger Stallone action types are the only forgivable ones this movie would end Will Smith's career) This movie was a rough draft of Bourne Identity before it was reworked to make it "less wet thai food shit" This would be a movie Kate Beckinsale made as a final goodbye to her career like Excess Baggage was to Alicia Silverstone. Now lets really think about this, why is Kate Beckinsale on a lower level than Jolie? Other than Jolie fucking Brad Pitt(which I'm sure Beckinsale has done) there is nothing better or maybe even as impressive on Jolie's career as Beckinsale's. Theron got ugly and got nominated so Jolie did it several times, and was laughed at.

You can't look at Kate Beckinsale and say she is less attractive Angelina Jolie to the point where she should be that far behind her on the cultural relevance scale and you ABSOLUTELY can't say

That being said if my attractive ranking system equated fame Gina Gershon would be on our currency.

would ptf


Jolie's career has been filled with popcorn movies with no challenging acting or massive massive fucking bombs. To save time I'm only going to get into movies she is listed as the top billed/co billed person in.


Changeling (Clint's worst movie hands down)
Salt (awful)
Mr and Mrs Smith (charming)
Wanted (awful)
Tomb Raider 1 (awful)
Tomb Raider 2 (awful 2)
Add to this list of tragedy supporting roles in:
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (awful)
Gone in 60 Seconds (awful)
Alexander (one of the biggest letdowns in cinematic history and crowned the end of both Oliver Stone and Colin Farell's Career)
Taking Lives(awful)

You're going to tell me that collection of absolute shit is better than Underworld 1 and 2, Pear Harbor, The Aviatar (co supporting actress), Serendipity and Van Helsing? Beckinsale has been in just as many miserable movies as Jolie. She's just been in less of them. The two of these women use their career like a paintbrush of diarrhea. I find Beckinsale 10xs more attractive and forgiving as a human being. Jolie's hype is Jolie's life. Jolie is the female version of Nicolas Cage, its just that Cage doesn't have a strong audience of men who want to fuck him.

Ok back to this miserable piece of shit of a movie.

Salt has physics and action sequences so super human it should be a transporter or x-men movie. Kung-Fu Hustle(awesome movie) has more believable action scenes , including the one where the man is killed by music notes turning into swords. Salt is so bad Milla Jovovich should have played Salt if it was Salt vs zombies giving way to the tag line of zombies = slugs to kill them just add SALT. Michelle Rodriguez should've played Salt if Salt hated men was from a hardened neighborhood and had a background of being a tomboy(dyke). Jean Claude Van Damme should have played Salt if the goal was to peak on the USA network at 2am on a Saturday. Jason Sthatham should have played Salt if the movie had 2 more car chases and my interest.If this was 1994 Geena Davis would have played Salt. Salt's script is so bad I think it would be a reworked sequel for Pamela Anderson's BarbWire. Jennifer Love Hewitt should have played Salt and Brandy should have played her counterpart and vice squad partner Pepper. Salt isn't a 70 million dollar movie with Angelina Jolie it should have been a really deep plot line for the movie Alias. Salt's story is so bad that it could have been a sequel to Ultra Violet, Catwoman or an episode of House after season 4. The script to Salt was so bad that Salt from Salt n' Peppa should've turned it down. This movie was so bad Morgan Freeman should've played the President.

The turns in Salt story line require a bigger suspension of belief and reason than a Scientology pitch. I'd need a fucking jet pack to make these leaps of faith. It features a man able to con his way all the way to CIA director. A man in place to kill the president and set off warheads. To review, a spy, all the way to the President's right hand man/lead intelligence guy. She uses spider venom to fake kill someone. Oh yeah she fucks a Spiderist in this movie. Eat a bowl of fuck and think about that, a CIA operative spy who has killed dozens upon dozens of people is fucking an Entomologist, and his job later factors into the movie. This movie made Wanted look like it was done by Fellini. A curved bullet would've made more sense than her fake assassination. Thats right, fake assassination, of a Russian President and then the disappearing reappearing ink like revelation within the fake assassination, in which she convinced that she killed the president of Russia but only put him into a coma with her spider venom, I'm not kidding, a whole team of doctors and CIA agents were fooled by a lil' venom.

She, Salt, later then allows herself to be captured. Much like the first villain in the movie walks into CIA headquarters allowing himself to be captured all the while knowing he had a way of escaping. Stabbing people with his shoe knife and running out the front door of the CIA headquarters. The CIA takes a hit in this movie, being fooled multiple times by its own operative and allowing its headquarters to allow 2 people to escape the premises roughly 10 minutes from each other.

Also, its 2010, WHY ARE WE STILL MAKING MOVIES ABOUT FUCKING RUSSIAN SPIES? The cold war has BEEN done. We are now at war with an entirely different type of people now and for the last 5 years there have maybe been 10 fictional movies with Middle Easterns as enemies. The last over the top action movie with a Arab villain was fucking True Lies.


There's a part in the movie where she sneaks into the White House dressed as a man. Its so incredibly unconvincing. She looks like a combination of the following




Prince from the Dirty Mind album cover


Ralph Macchio as Johnny from the Outsiders

One of the guys


Labamba


C Thomas Howell as soul man.


George from Otto and George.


By now the movie is fucking lost so I'm completely rooting for her to die especially after watching a guy rush at the president shooting at him while she did nothing but watch. At this point in the movie you don't know she fake killed the Russian President so in your head you're thinking "is she a bad guy?" but you're not because you know she's the hero in this shit pile despite her onlooking as a guy almost MURDERS the president just to keep her who gives a shit cover. Now as a sad side note: Why are all the presidents closest body guards like 6'1 in movies? Haven't movie makers seen henchmen? You need at least a team of 7 foot monsters around you? Whatever back to this shit show.

She then breaks into the White House bunker(killing no guards while jumping down an elevator shaft from floor to floor via steel I beams like spiderman before sliding down the wall like spiderman2 getting to the bottom and the whole fucking thing turns into a wash of horseshit climaxes that leaves you wondering who thought the audience would reach for this ending like spiderman 3.

She gets to the War room way too easily and breaks into it using of course the very clever and CIA trained way of entering a secured room by shooting through a concrete wall with an M-60 and opening the door only to get apprehended JUST AS SHE SAVES THE WORLD FROM NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST WITH ONE SECOND LEFT for her several dozen body count including attempts on the Presidents of two major nations and the director of the fucking CIA who was a planted spy who was already foiled from his sadly unironic doomsday missile Russian crisis like Dr. Strangelove except instead of being enjoyable I actually routed for my house to get hit by a warhead. Then freshly after saving the day (unbeknowst to those stupid CIA agents who still think she's the bad guy) gets detained but in the end the agent bringing her in has a point break cliffhanger ending where she jumps out of a helicoCONVOLUTED PIECE OF SHIT ENDING!!!!

Now that we have established that the movie is shit, lets look at the actors. Well for starters the villain of the movie is.... Liev Schreiber. Yep, thats right, sabretooth from xmen 4(i refuse to call it by its real name). American Vinnie Jones himself Liev Schreiber. The star power of this movie goes like this. Jolie, and now I'm not kidding, Schreiber, the nazi in the bar scene from Inglorious Basterds, a role actor you've seen in 100 movies who's name you don't know, 40 people you've never seen before, a younger version of Morris Chestnut. The drop off there is so startling Xander Cage couldn't jump safely and land it with a snowboard and a parachute.

Another unforgiving element missing in Salt is the lack of Jolie being not very clothed at any time. She was never even in her underwear. At least tease us with bad fake Hollywood almost nudity. She's offensively poor as an actress. Liev Schreiber blows her off the screen. An actor who plays sabretooth blows her off the screen. If she was a guy and was this overshadowed by average actors she would be on entourage. Jolie unlike her awesome completely covered tits is beyond flat through this entire movie. It was with out a doubt the worst movie i saw in 2010. TITS OR GTFO salt, and you chose GTFO.