x-meh

a real quick one because its agonizing when the two longer column opinion thingies whatevers I've written in the last 2 weeks have been about comic book movies but I saw the new X-men movie and it was definitely a movie. Anyways they had a cameo of Wolverine in the movie and he tells Charles and Eric to "go fuck yourselves" and I was in the theater enjoying the movie when I thought to myself:

Why is wolverine allowed to be wolverine in this movie and Hugh Jackman in others? He is horrendous in the Wolverine movie and then in this movie in 8 seconds they actually get the character that Wolverine should be and would be if Hugh Jackman wasn't producing the movies. Hugh got the rights to make the movie and just made a sappy bad convoluted movie with random characters in a slapdash story line where like in every movie with a huge let down of a failure, the voiceless nemesis of the entire movie was introduced 20 seconds before the final confusing fight scene, after a bad twist that came 10 minutes after another bad twist.

When you make a movie building up on a villain and a dead wife murdered and in the final 10 minutes of the movie you reveal that the wife wasn't dead and the murderer of the wife really was a good guy just before a big fight with laser beam eyed ninjas you have successfully fucked a movie up in such a silly way that i assume that instead of cum you had to have shot fish heads out of a dick wearing pilot goggles.

A big mistake I made was I forgot that Hugh Jackman COULD play Wolverine, He just hasn't gotten the chance. Part his fault, part FOX, part the over praised Bryan Singer, part writers, part a million other things NO ONE including me should give a shit about. My lack of seeing movies like The Fountain and The Prestige allowed me to forget that Hugh Jackman is a good actor and I can't believe it based on only seeing him in the X-men movies, and of course...Swordfish. A movie that was so gay that it will be in the next real world cast saying "picked to live in a houthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh".




As for the movie.

If you're like me and you loved the first class comics well throw that all away, and any Xmen knowledge, or any reference in the first 3 movies where Xavier says Scott and Jean were his first students. But unlike other fanmen I'm not upset about it, its a movie, if I wanted the comic I'd read the comic.

It was a really good cast aside from January Jones outside of her tits. It was ok, and widescreen, I suggest sitting in the back, I don't know who shot this fucking thing but he got every inch out of the screen. Fuck it. January Jones keeps the streak alive of Mad Men characters completely sucking in movie roles. I realize saying January Jones wasn't a good actress in _______ is about as shocking as Hugh Jackman liking dry humping and rubbing 5 o'clock shadows.



But between Sterling, Jones and Draper these guys are becoming the ER and NYPD blue of the 2010s. When it comes to striking out in big screen roles. I hold judgement for Christina Hendricks because I feel like she's good enough of an actress where she can suspend the audience's belief in any sort of a storyliAHHAHAHAHAHA TITS.nice dress dick

In-salt to injury

Salt is so bad.
Its so bad I'm about to type a fucking thesis paper about it to hand it over to nobody to read it.


We will revisit Salt as a movie obviously but lets just skip to the hilarity that this movie was even made to begin with and the preconceived notions going into this movie that there is something special about Angelina Jolie.

put your tits away mom

Her personal life is of no concern to me because I'm not a housewife and I don't care about celebrities lives outside of what they do on tv. So I won't get into it but more importantly lets talk about her looks. Now its a given I as any man would have awful sex with her. I would line up to be the worst lay of her life. Having said that, her face, her gibbony face. I don't find her to be the end all be all of attractive female actress and maybe that means something in this discussion as i trash her as an actress but whatever its my shit blog. That being said her tattoos are hilarious and belong on a stripper with a c-scar.


Moving on to her as a celebrity. Who decided she was cool and should be looked up to? What makes her socially acceptable over Kate Hudson or Jennifer Garner? No one looks up to shitty action movie women and thinks they are a staple of modern society yet this slob has transcended from trashy slut who fucked Slingblade in a limo to Mrs. America. To address her place in this world i have to bring up the movie Salt so with out getting into it lets just explain the type of movie it is.


Salt is a piece of unrelenting recycled horseshit from bad James Bond movies. What's upsetting is this is not a movie an A lister makes unless they're known for it.(Schwarzenegger Stallone action types are the only forgivable ones this movie would end Will Smith's career) This movie was a rough draft of Bourne Identity before it was reworked to make it "less wet thai food shit" This would be a movie Kate Beckinsale made as a final goodbye to her career like Excess Baggage was to Alicia Silverstone. Now lets really think about this, why is Kate Beckinsale on a lower level than Jolie? Other than Jolie fucking Brad Pitt(which I'm sure Beckinsale has done) there is nothing better or maybe even as impressive on Jolie's career as Beckinsale's. Theron got ugly and got nominated so Jolie did it several times, and was laughed at.

You can't look at Kate Beckinsale and say she is less attractive Angelina Jolie to the point where she should be that far behind her on the cultural relevance scale and you ABSOLUTELY can't say

That being said if my attractive ranking system equated fame Gina Gershon would be on our currency.

would ptf


Jolie's career has been filled with popcorn movies with no challenging acting or massive massive fucking bombs. To save time I'm only going to get into movies she is listed as the top billed/co billed person in.


Changeling (Clint's worst movie hands down)
Salt (awful)
Mr and Mrs Smith (charming)
Wanted (awful)
Tomb Raider 1 (awful)
Tomb Raider 2 (awful 2)
Add to this list of tragedy supporting roles in:
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (awful)
Gone in 60 Seconds (awful)
Alexander (one of the biggest letdowns in cinematic history and crowned the end of both Oliver Stone and Colin Farell's Career)
Taking Lives(awful)

You're going to tell me that collection of absolute shit is better than Underworld 1 and 2, Pear Harbor, The Aviatar (co supporting actress), Serendipity and Van Helsing? Beckinsale has been in just as many miserable movies as Jolie. She's just been in less of them. The two of these women use their career like a paintbrush of diarrhea. I find Beckinsale 10xs more attractive and forgiving as a human being. Jolie's hype is Jolie's life. Jolie is the female version of Nicolas Cage, its just that Cage doesn't have a strong audience of men who want to fuck him.

Ok back to this miserable piece of shit of a movie.

Salt has physics and action sequences so super human it should be a transporter or x-men movie. Kung-Fu Hustle(awesome movie) has more believable action scenes , including the one where the man is killed by music notes turning into swords. Salt is so bad Milla Jovovich should have played Salt if it was Salt vs zombies giving way to the tag line of zombies = slugs to kill them just add SALT. Michelle Rodriguez should've played Salt if Salt hated men was from a hardened neighborhood and had a background of being a tomboy(dyke). Jean Claude Van Damme should have played Salt if the goal was to peak on the USA network at 2am on a Saturday. Jason Sthatham should have played Salt if the movie had 2 more car chases and my interest.If this was 1994 Geena Davis would have played Salt. Salt's script is so bad I think it would be a reworked sequel for Pamela Anderson's BarbWire. Jennifer Love Hewitt should have played Salt and Brandy should have played her counterpart and vice squad partner Pepper. Salt isn't a 70 million dollar movie with Angelina Jolie it should have been a really deep plot line for the movie Alias. Salt's story is so bad that it could have been a sequel to Ultra Violet, Catwoman or an episode of House after season 4. The script to Salt was so bad that Salt from Salt n' Peppa should've turned it down. This movie was so bad Morgan Freeman should've played the President.

The turns in Salt story line require a bigger suspension of belief and reason than a Scientology pitch. I'd need a fucking jet pack to make these leaps of faith. It features a man able to con his way all the way to CIA director. A man in place to kill the president and set off warheads. To review, a spy, all the way to the President's right hand man/lead intelligence guy. She uses spider venom to fake kill someone. Oh yeah she fucks a Spiderist in this movie. Eat a bowl of fuck and think about that, a CIA operative spy who has killed dozens upon dozens of people is fucking an Entomologist, and his job later factors into the movie. This movie made Wanted look like it was done by Fellini. A curved bullet would've made more sense than her fake assassination. Thats right, fake assassination, of a Russian President and then the disappearing reappearing ink like revelation within the fake assassination, in which she convinced that she killed the president of Russia but only put him into a coma with her spider venom, I'm not kidding, a whole team of doctors and CIA agents were fooled by a lil' venom.

She, Salt, later then allows herself to be captured. Much like the first villain in the movie walks into CIA headquarters allowing himself to be captured all the while knowing he had a way of escaping. Stabbing people with his shoe knife and running out the front door of the CIA headquarters. The CIA takes a hit in this movie, being fooled multiple times by its own operative and allowing its headquarters to allow 2 people to escape the premises roughly 10 minutes from each other.

Also, its 2010, WHY ARE WE STILL MAKING MOVIES ABOUT FUCKING RUSSIAN SPIES? The cold war has BEEN done. We are now at war with an entirely different type of people now and for the last 5 years there have maybe been 10 fictional movies with Middle Easterns as enemies. The last over the top action movie with a Arab villain was fucking True Lies.


There's a part in the movie where she sneaks into the White House dressed as a man. Its so incredibly unconvincing. She looks like a combination of the following




Prince from the Dirty Mind album cover


Ralph Macchio as Johnny from the Outsiders

One of the guys


Labamba


C Thomas Howell as soul man.


George from Otto and George.


By now the movie is fucking lost so I'm completely rooting for her to die especially after watching a guy rush at the president shooting at him while she did nothing but watch. At this point in the movie you don't know she fake killed the Russian President so in your head you're thinking "is she a bad guy?" but you're not because you know she's the hero in this shit pile despite her onlooking as a guy almost MURDERS the president just to keep her who gives a shit cover. Now as a sad side note: Why are all the presidents closest body guards like 6'1 in movies? Haven't movie makers seen henchmen? You need at least a team of 7 foot monsters around you? Whatever back to this shit show.

She then breaks into the White House bunker(killing no guards while jumping down an elevator shaft from floor to floor via steel I beams like spiderman before sliding down the wall like spiderman2 getting to the bottom and the whole fucking thing turns into a wash of horseshit climaxes that leaves you wondering who thought the audience would reach for this ending like spiderman 3.

She gets to the War room way too easily and breaks into it using of course the very clever and CIA trained way of entering a secured room by shooting through a concrete wall with an M-60 and opening the door only to get apprehended JUST AS SHE SAVES THE WORLD FROM NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST WITH ONE SECOND LEFT for her several dozen body count including attempts on the Presidents of two major nations and the director of the fucking CIA who was a planted spy who was already foiled from his sadly unironic doomsday missile Russian crisis like Dr. Strangelove except instead of being enjoyable I actually routed for my house to get hit by a warhead. Then freshly after saving the day (unbeknowst to those stupid CIA agents who still think she's the bad guy) gets detained but in the end the agent bringing her in has a point break cliffhanger ending where she jumps out of a helicoCONVOLUTED PIECE OF SHIT ENDING!!!!

Now that we have established that the movie is shit, lets look at the actors. Well for starters the villain of the movie is.... Liev Schreiber. Yep, thats right, sabretooth from xmen 4(i refuse to call it by its real name). American Vinnie Jones himself Liev Schreiber. The star power of this movie goes like this. Jolie, and now I'm not kidding, Schreiber, the nazi in the bar scene from Inglorious Basterds, a role actor you've seen in 100 movies who's name you don't know, 40 people you've never seen before, a younger version of Morris Chestnut. The drop off there is so startling Xander Cage couldn't jump safely and land it with a snowboard and a parachute.

Another unforgiving element missing in Salt is the lack of Jolie being not very clothed at any time. She was never even in her underwear. At least tease us with bad fake Hollywood almost nudity. She's offensively poor as an actress. Liev Schreiber blows her off the screen. An actor who plays sabretooth blows her off the screen. If she was a guy and was this overshadowed by average actors she would be on entourage. Jolie unlike her awesome completely covered tits is beyond flat through this entire movie. It was with out a doubt the worst movie i saw in 2010. TITS OR GTFO salt, and you chose GTFO.