Oscars...boo.

I have no idea how the Oscars whiffed this bad on selecting hosts. Usually when I see Anne Hathaway struggle this badly to captivate an audience she has the decency to pull a titty out. Dear lord this is like trying to jerk a horse off while its running. Oscars yearly do a good job of making me like Hollywood less and less. They mock their audience and praise themselves for doing a really superfluous duty. No one needs you to be millionaires stop mocking the people that support you.

James Franco being a host goes up my ass. Ricky Gervais took shots at the brotherhood of self obsessed dickheads and he got destroyed for it. Now this dick neck is up there trying to trick me into thinking his squinty handsomeness is somehow charming they can fuck themselves. He's terrible at ad-libbing. And that's fine. I can't act or take down pussy like he can. I'm convinced Hollywood thinks they can hang glide with out taking lessons if they just wear a nice a tux and wink to people.

Hathaway is unapproachably gorgeous. But watching her try and punch up Franco's dead jokes is grossssssssssssss. Kirk Douglas' ears look like bat wings. Mila Kunis just licked her lips. Best part of the night here. Why is Justin Timberlake presenting an Oscar? Isn't that like Jason Statham presenting a Grammy? Why is he mocking Kirk Douglas? Justin just tried sneaking a joke in while he was opening the envelope. Can I just honestly say that no one in this building is genuinely funny?

I've seen about 4 acceptances now, and all 4 have been better than the pre-written dialogs between Hathaway and fuckbolts. Hathaway really does look good. She's wearing a terrible sequined dress that looks like a Tap Out shirt and still is all time attractive. She's dressed like snooki and somehow looks classic beauty. I love Mark Wahlberg but how does he not know how to do a Boston accent?

The King's Speech will go down as the greatest "good" movie of all time. Its not bad at all and its certainly better than Crash and Slumdog but I mean. I've never seen a movie be so head above its competition and not be "great". Whatever. True Grit deserved a nomination at worse. I think it deserves the Oscar. But whatever I love westerns, the Coen bros, Bridges and greatness.

Anne Hathaway is dragging Franco to the finish here. Eventually the producers need to cut their losses and replace him. They did it to Spiderman they can do it to the replacement green goblin. He's dressed in drag and is still getting no reaction and is somehow still unnoticed. He could walk out dressed like George Clinton with fireworks and and a light show and people still would just...be there. Wow. A Charlie Sheen joke. How risky.

Russel Brand is just spooky looking. And I'm sure he has funny inside him somewhere and I just haven't seen it yet. Christian Bale just won Jeremy Renner's Oscar. Why is The Fighter so praised? Its another underdog boxing story that wasn't even the best one. Renner was tremendous. Jesus. Renner made his movie. I didn't even have a strong feeling on any of the best actor or actress, I always like supporting more.

Now out comes the academy president to babble about themselves. Gross. Anne Hathaway just said Jackman could "sing dance act and was an action star" its really offensive. Trent Reznor just won an Oscar. I hope someone brings up how funny industrial is to him. Hey Trent remember when you were spooky and rented the Sharon Tate murder house? Ooooooh I'm scary you guys! Trent's hair is hilariously black. Its worse than Liam Neeson's hair in Taken. It looks like fucking shoe polish.

A six degrees to Kevin Bacon joke just happened. Jesus who is writing this polite horse shit? Scarlet Johansson and Matthew McConaughey presenting together. I have too many jokes at once. Do you think if the two of them were in a movie that she still would get horribly out acted?

The Wolf Man just got nominated. Wow. I forgot that hunk of fucky shit existed. Annnnnnd the guy accepting has a pony tail. Where is Tom Savini? What a shitty movie this was. They put a lot into it too. Benecio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, classic story, big market, lots of money, vampire movies hitting. They had 5 stars going into the movie and they just shit on the horses back rather than ride it into the sunset. Wow they won one. If you told me during it that it would win an Oscar my mind would shut off. Like apparently Franco's has. This is like watching weekend at Bernie with Hathaway playing the two undeads.

Kevin Spacey was a top 5 actor in the world 8 years ago what the fuck even happened? Why is Jake Gyllenhaal even allowed to be here? Anne Hathaway just made a joke about her dress having tassels or something. Did I say she was good and Franco stunk? I'm kidding. Oprah is presenting now. This is probably the first time I've ever seen her actually speak. They cut to Tim Burton looking bored and looking around for his keys or something. Pretty hilarious. I only saw one of the documentaries and it didn't win and I'd have to say it didn't get robbed. Street Art is cool for like 8 minutes. The winner for the documentary had a heavy handed message about society. Jesus Christ. When is enough enough you just made a 2 hour movie preaching your message now you gotta get on stage and fart about it?

ABC finally putting out a medical examiner show with a tough to love doctor. They should just call it CSI always sucked and House has sucked for a while give us a shot. Billy Crystal is out and the funniest thing of the night is his hair being black without a hint of gray. Dude is almost 70. I already made reference to Liam Neeson's hair but good god, someone intervene here. Robert Downey JR is out with Jude Law again. Jude holds his own for once. Wish the stupid Sherlock Holmes movie was at all comparable.

Best editing award? How does anyone know who deserves this without seeing what they cut out? I'm sure fans of editing are tipping their screens over to cover them in rage piss but seriously what gives? What if the social network people cut out key plot twist that would explain to me why everyone thought it was so good?

Gwyneth Paltrow singing. Wow. This song is poison and her delivery is worst. Randy Newman won. He's hilarious and always good at writing family poppery, I just wish he didn't write the same song for all 20 of his nominations. Now comes the standard dead people parade. I always laugh when some people get more claps than others based on fame. Spoke too soon. There is no clapping. Holy shit Dennis Hopper died? Who is Susan York? She was gorgeous. Halle Berry looks good. Too bad she's like 40 pounds of orangutan crazy in a 10 pound bag not intended for Orangutans.

I'm kind of out of the Oscars now. I've been back and forthing between the Knicks game. The awards are all technical and editing now. Really boring shit right now. Francis Ford Copolla accepting a lifetime Oscar thing. Kind of gross that he didn't get his 20 years ago. Apocalypse Now skull fucks these movies. Why is everyone praising Eisenberg so much? He did a really good job of being flat and unemotional. Is that acting or just being a void? Natalie Portman won Black Swan and she doesn't seem overwhelmed at all. Its kind of weird. Its like they called her name for take out food was ready at panda express. I wouldn't have given her the oscar but whatever what do I know. I thought Jennifer Lawrence or Michelle Williams were better. Or maybe they were just in better movies or something. I'm not really good at separating very good from exceptional just shit from bad. And she was good.

How many paragraphs is this? Now Anne Hathaway is wearing a diving suit dress. Is it pleather? Jesus. Now she's dressed like fucking Jwow. Sandra Bullock looks really pretty awful, still shocked she won an award for playing Erin Brockovich. Javier Bardem is so fucking handsome. Didn't see the movie he was in. So already my opinion is garbage. 127 hours was good and if I didn't see him suck so bad in this awards show I'd wanna see him win. But he seriously fucking poisoned me. Wow Colin Firth won. Now this motherfucker is charming. I liked the King's Speech a lot. I have 0 objections. I liked a Single Man more last year. He was really strong. 8 sentences now with no joke. Nice stretch here. Great speech too. He's so incredibly humble about this. If I won I'd never get cast in a movie again. I'd spike the Oscar and immediately start Ric Flairing on people. WOOOOOOOOO! Telling people my shoes cost more than their house. Telling women in the audience they could ride space mountain.

OK here we go. Best fuck all picture. Steven Spielberg presenting is kind of funny. I mean I loved Jaws. But I mean. Overall? Eh. Winter's Bone was too upsetting for me to consider to be great. Oh shit true grit was nominated? What an uninformed douche I am. I've seen all these movies actually except Toy Story 3 because I'm not 11 and if I had to rank them.
1 true grit
2 the king's speech
3 winter's bone
4 social network
5 inception
6 the kids are all right
7 black swan
8 the fighter

And yeah. The worlds worst kept secret came true. I liked it a lot. Unlike these Oscars. I hate that Britains won this award you floofy twats.

I've not yet begun to defile myself.

Now admittedly I love reality tv, and like all reality fans I'm a fan of The Jersey Shore and I have my favorites and I have my villains in the show. I never misunderstand the purpose of villains in the show and for me I can't stand Angelina and the reasoning is well understood and there is no reason to get into it. Everyone on the show is polarizing except for Vinny he's generally purposeless but likable and in the very least ate shit with that girl in Miami in front of all of us on tv making us all feel better about ourselves. Plus Vinny plays the straight man that everyone thinks isn't a complete wretch. So that just leaves Jwow.

You look at the girls. Each one of them has brought something to the show. Snooki is a mess who got decked. Sammi though a fucking pylon in the first season has become the person we all laugh at. Angelina started all out wars in the house. Which is the most underrated part of any hose beast on a reality show. She started panic in the house and I'll always want her back for that. Plus she fucked and was a total slob. When you look at Jwow there is no shit stirring. The only thing she brings to the show is the weekly shot of her adjusting her tits in the mirror. Now it may seem like I can only knock Jwow for being boring but theres so much more. She carries just about all of the show's short comings on her tremendously hilarious to look at masculine shoulders.

One thing that Jwow does that's definitely a negative is she gets Snooki out of the house and goes to eat monster salads. This seclusion of Snooki kills things. It rarely leads to anything other than that letter to Sammi that everyone thought was fake. When you take Snooki away from Mike Paul and Vinnie it just means less time for the 4 most camera valuable people together. Addition by subtraction. Unlike her horrendous tits. Which was subtraction by addition. Its like when Metallica finally got rid of Burton via that staged bus accident and brought in Newstead and then "accidently" released their best album. ...And Justice For My Ears!

With new self aware Jwow she doesn't go out as much, she lays in her bed every other night now and just calls him and even 30 second excerpts of their discussions are so vapid and boring that I can't imagine what they're editing out. When she doesn't go out theres nothing to laugh at anymore. She's not shouting at people, she's not fighting anyone or a part of any nightly hijinx. She certainly isn't fucking anyone so I can laugh at how like Angelina and Snooki she will meet someone and advertise to the world that she fucks after meeting you in a club on a fucking TV show where MILLIONS of people watch. Jwow to me is the most self aware of herself next to Mikey, the difference is that Mikey plays it up and acts like a shithead so people will watch.

Another thing about Jwow is she's just embarrassing. She has horrendous fake tits. I have recently had an experience with fake tits, now this has no bearing on this post but I just wanted to brag about touching boobies.
two balls of dull horseshit. She also looks like DanziFUCK THERES A SPIDER ON MY LEG no its my phone charger...Danzig. oooooof.

She talks about herself and her clothing line like anyone is interested. In the first episode of the new season she and Snooki were in a lingerie store and she holds something up and says "this is so my style I need this on my line". I fucking groaned at home. She sells herself constantly, she makes horrendous public appearances including fucking wrestling on SpikeTV. SpikeTV couldn't get any worse than it already was, so they grabbed the least compelling shore member.
this is in no way any more embarrassing than anything Angelina ever did on tv


But at least there she won a fight. Which is more than you can say about her at the house. Fucking girl sells herself as Chuck Lidell, and then in her one chance to drop bombs comes annnnnnd what happens? AT BEST a draw. Thats best case. I think she lost. My friend Vin insists it was a tie. But I don't see it. Fight started by Sammi, only clean shots landed? Sammi. Embarrassing post fight water bottle save face attempt but in reality announce yourself as the bitter loser? Jwow. It would be one thing to come on the show and sell yourself as Clubber Lang and then lose to Snooki, we all know she can take a punch. Maybe Angelina, Maybe. But Sammi? Sammi was really bad to lose to on top of things because the entire world pitied her for what was going on with Ronnie. When you lose to a victim you look like an even bigger loser.

Not sold yet? OK. Jwow smokes Newports. That in it of itself is unforgivable. She refuses to either be the joke or be a part of the joke consistently. So what the fuck are you then? You're on a white water raft refusing to fall off for the hilarity purpose or fucking paddle to move the raft along. If she was on Wild N Crazy Kids she'd be the timid to get wet/covered in whatever fluid is in the water balloons the kids are dropping and she is fucking costing the yellow team!

Another major problem is this show won't film for 2 months ever again. Thats a problem for the entire cast but it goes back to her. The kids all want 6 figures for 2 weeks now. So they have to take so much less time to make 10 episodes out of and there's just not enough content when people like Jwow do nothing for an entire season besides gets stomped on in a fight and then fake break up with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend by the way no one knows anything about. So its like a sitcom character breaking up with their extra/bit player spouse and expecting the audience to react. We don't know Jwow the girlfriend so who gives a shit if she is single or not. We know her as Jwow the hot mess who I'm supposed to look at and feel better about myself. Also i can't help but notice if Jwow and Snooki were combined they would be Amber from Teenage Moms.

The reunion was a miserable failure. If there is no fight it shouldn't be aired. I hate reunions mostly for the "stuff we didn't show" part. Which is ALWAYS filled with shit I would've rather seen than every 2nd and 5th episode of the season. "stuff we didn't show" is code for stuff we couldn't obviously edit into filling in one of our lacking episodes and it took place during one where we had too much going on. Copy pasting is always a show's friend but the producers obviously panicked last off season and added a firecracker shithead to the cast to make up for the loss of Angelina. The new broad by the way is also a friend of Snooki, they're trying so hard to separate Snooki from Jwow so fucking hard its like when HBK had to split with Jannety back in the early 90s. Snooki needs to throw Jwow through the barbershop window and go her own way. Except Jwow isn't Jannety, she's fucking Chyna with more questionable genitalia situation. She looks like an intimidating Bond Villain chief henchmen, in a Pierce Brosnan Bond movie by the way. Because she sucks and so does he. They should get married have kids and fucking suffocate them.

Jwow is the dude from Hurt Locker to Mtv's awesome-bomb. If the Jersey Shore was a Slip N' Slide or Crocodile Mile, Jwow would be the mom yelling from inside the house "THATS ENOUGH WATER" thanks mom. I guess theres such a thing as too much fun. Way to scale it back for me. Now I can't pretend I'm sliding into second base or diving into a foxhole to avoid the robot missile you piece of shit. Go fuck yourself and let me enjoy my made up world and stop drying up my fucking C-mile.


nope one more.

If Mtv had a great plan to sneak off some dinosaur dna inside a barbosal can to sell it off to Dodson when Hammond got cheap on them, Jwow would be the tropical storm killing your 15 minute window, the knocked over road sign, the waterfall and of course the Dilophosaurus waiting in Mtv's jeep for Mtv to get back in it and try the whole thing a 3rd time. And she is going to end up fucking killing them.

Veruca Re-Salt

Salt. Again.
I tend to obsess on a movie or an idea for a week so bear with me on this one. And for those of you who are rolling their eyes fuck you. This movie was packaged as a smart thinking thriller action movie and its fucking clown shoes stupid. It is build a ramp stupid.

Moving along at a snails pace the worst part to Salt in retrospect other than the name of the movie, the marketing campaign, the bad story line that was basically stolen from Bourne Identity then slapchopped into a shit salsa, the casting of nobodies, her stale acting on top of her refusal to get naked, the complete lack of a twist in a twist ending and the shitty typical cliffhanger ending for the "just in case its a hit we can pump out sequels" Hollywood. THE WORST PART is the lack of respect and foresight for the people they were writing this movie for.

The ideal conditions by the writers would be to have the audience be questioning "What side is she on?" "Why kill the president?" "Was he in on it" "is she a body double?" "is her husband behind this?". The idea is to have the audience guessing and pondering the inevitable twist. But no. Everyone is sitting in the audience is just shifting in their seats thinking "oh god to what length of fucking bullshit will they go to explain this?" "Just get to her being a good guy again" "that president better not just suddenly not be dead later in the movie" "why haven't I seen her fucking tits yet?"

cool shirt dick, now GTFO

That blinding lack of understanding for the audience is the part of the movie where we are supposed to believe that she's actually Russian spy doing harm to America, killing the Russian President, knocking off CIA agents, plotting to kill the President of the USA. The fact the writers talked about doing this, said yes, spent days(or as i assume 45 minutes) hashing out the details of it and never asked: "Don't you think the audience will know they didn't pay 10$ to see a movie where Angelina Jolie actually is a Russian spy who kills people? Won't they know she's just acting like she is to get in deeper with the villains so she can foil it at the very top?" "Don't you think its a bit much for her to watch her husband get shot right in front of her and have a poker face over it?"(that actually happens she watches the guy she is in love with and is on run from the CIA to rescue get capped and then acts like it doesn't bother her. Brains on the wall, and she looks like she just ordered a sandwich from Panera all to keep her cover. She Forrest Gump faces it like oh well no used crying over spilt brain containing membrane and fucking fluid.)

What type of a movie would we be watching then? Besides an original movie that actually did something different. Then again it'd be hard to market a hero to America that kills the President of America....well maybe 12 years ago it would've been not so much now or with Bush but whatever. We would be watching a fucking disaster. It would be too controversial for theaters, at least with an A list talent in it. If some straight to dvd movie starring Amy Smart or Mena Suvari (holy shit remember her?) did this no one would care. When a legitimate star(WHY IS SHE A LEGITIMATE STAR)does something like this its huge. Demi Moore shaved her head and it was apparently so big the Mayans saw it coming.

When you get the entire audience to groan in misery at what you think is a great story arch you're writing a bad movie. The levees have broke and the audience is drowning in your cum. Your story has a million fucking holes in it and your movie stopped being a movie and became a visual chore. When the entire audience knows where the story is going you don't have a movie anymore. When the entire fucking audience is just counting the minutes hoping to see your hero's tits you've lost them. When you lose the entire fucking audience at the end of a movie its just a stupid movie with a bad ending, like Cast Away or Identity or Law Abiding Citizen (I'll get into that soon). Then its forgivable. But to lose your audience 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie and you know they're watching for another hour its fucking selfish and its shitty its something a conniving sociopath does when they aren't in control of themselves and can't help but to spread their shit all over everyone's Panera sandwich I'm hungry. Like when Valerie fucked her step-dad THE NIGHT BEFORE HIS AND HER MOM'S WEDDING just to do it. Its that bad, except i fucking bet the writer doesn't look anything like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen so its forgivable because you'd throw your mom into an alligator tank just to wash her dishes. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen by the way is much better looking than stupid Angelina Jolie AND even just with 90210, Saved by the Bell and Son in Law eclipsed Angelina Jolie's entire fucking body of work. There is nothing about Jolie that is superior in any way outside of lips current husband and hype that beats T-A T.

its upsetting it even gets discussed.

To lose yourself 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie just because the writers are lazy is like going for a walk with an elderly man up a mountain and back down it again. It wouldn't be so bad at first. You go your pace and he goes his. You run up the mountain while he walks slowly then you run down passing him while he's about half way up saying hello and being courteous. But then you get to the bottom and you realize he has the car keys. So you sit there hating the old man for going so slow and hating yourself for going fast. You sit there blaming yourself for not being stupid enough for Salt.

So salt expects people to wait the 40 minutes it takes to get to the finish we all know its coming. Its like when the Macho Man Randy Savage was a good guy. We all know with Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior as good guys that the bad guys needed a big name especially with an Aging Andre the Giant.(personally I think a young Rick Rude and Curt Henning with the pending addition of Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon could've handled the work load as bad guys but were so buried by Hogan at the time that they never got their shot.) We all know you're a bad guy Randy, so just be a fucking bad guy. Except in Salt's case its in reverse. This movie's story is so fucking bad and plaid out its subject to 1987 WWF comparisons. Except they don't have the Elizabeth Jake the Snake Roberts/Undertaker story to get you to like Macho Man first. There is no Summerslam Wedding with Salt, there is no Mega-Power (savage and Hogan) tag team with Salt. There is no Intercontinental Title Feud against Steamboat or Tito Santana with Salt. Theres just fuck you I'm here, I'm not, fooled you guys I'm here. Its a shitty practical joke by someone who isn't funny.

mom and dad

In this movie you're introduced to salt and 8 seconds later she's a villain? Is she? Its not like hey everybody I'd like you to meet Macho Man Randy Savage, he is now your friend and then BANG 2 seconds later he's teaming with Zeus to take on The Mega-Maniacs (Brutus and Hogan) and is a total villain now AREN'T YOU SHOCKED? At first you got used to him as being a good guy, for years he was a good guy, it was over fucking time where the story line built. He and Hogan were giving each other odd looks backstage and then it of course boiled over into the great Elizabeth conflict between he and Hogan. Now obviously Savage started out as a dick being mean to Elizabeth and whatever but obviously we skip ahead to when him and Hogan were teaming up together to take on Mega-Bucks(Million-Dollar Man Ted Dibiase and Andre the Giant)

Just wanted an excuse to post this picture.



This was Savage's peak and there is no fucking denying that and I'm disgusted any of you would say otherwise. To fucking sit around and waste time talking about pre-87 Macho Man is like talking about George Clooney before E.R Cam Neely before he was traded to the Bruins or Sasha Grey before Share My Cock 4, its a waste of time and no one discusses it.


You guys aren't gonna believe this but I found another better looking person who has a more respectable career than Angelina Jolie.



So in the movie i guess you're supposed to be in suspension of disbelief mode, like you are in any other movie but in all honesty I don't know this pig(back to Salt again sorry for the confusion this review is about Salt). She could be a Russian or an American loyalist what do I know? I don't know anything about this woman or her past you introduced me to her as "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" so at the end of the movie when she is "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" I kind of feel like i just got milked for no reason other than someone's sporadic idea to be a fucking dickhead. Its not a growth story when the person ends up exactly the same on the other side, its just an opening paragraph, here is Macho Man and sure enough 90 minutes later here is the same Macho Man. This is like meeting your friend's roommate's girlfriend. And then suddenly discovering she is a racist and then the big reveal that she isn't. Is it shocking? A little? barely? kinda? I mean you're facebook friends with her MAYBE at most. You don't know her last name or what her parents look like but you know what town she is from and maybe what she drives or a loose background about her job if it was in your field at all because if it isn't interesting to any degree you block it out. Is that shocking? An iota, but not as much as when you see a swastika tattoo on your moms chest when you walk in on her in the shower. What's insulting is when you know your friend's roommate's girlfriend isn't racist but she insists you don't know that and carries on like she is. Then later does a TADA and tells you she isn't racist and she's only pretending to be (shut up the analogy works).

So there you are. Over your friends apartment listening to some douche bag in a college sweatshirt she might have gone to that you don't know and could die tonight for all you care; Yell about the Jews when you know she doesn't mean it. Or your mom burns crosses in your neighbor's yard or drags their children behind her minivan. Oh plus you've seen your mom's tits. Unlike Angelina fucking Jolie in this movie.