LOTR IS LOL PT2 PT1

I have a confession. I was half way through the 3rd LOTR when about 15 minutes into it I realized it wasn't the second.

So here we go

The lord of the rings 2 the two towers. Kind of a bad decision to name this movie like this. Especially in 2002. Especially when there's no attention drawn to the towers. Really gorgeous opening scene in the mountains but then they ruin it by going back to the movie. New Zealand is a gorgeous place I'd love to never go it. Anyways. They open up with Magneto fighting the big monster that's bigger than the other monsters. Anyways Donkey Kong falls and a minute later magneto falls. What sucks though is despite Donkey Kong being much bigger and made out of stone magneto somehow catches up to him during the plummet into the....inner mountain abyss? Anyway he catches up and fights Donkey Kong in mid air and they both hit the ground and die. I realized at this point that the movie doesn't give a shit about the concrete reality of dying but now physics can just go fuck itself too.

Nothings happening right now so I'll type this here. Lord of the Rings? Rings? More than one? I only see one ring. What is this about? Its bad enough this movie was named just to taunt dead fireman (The Two Towers, released in 2002) now they have to add in an unnecessary pluralization? Its uncomfortable and it sticks out like the height and weight difference in face/off between Travolta and Cage. How did his wife not notice that her husband no longer had tits? Or grew half a foot? Or was gay? Or was somehow less talented despite being void of talent to begin with?

So then back to this shit and back to the most boring part of the movie which unfortunately involves the main character, Rudy and Gummy Bear capture a badly done CGI Monkey. Its the second movie now and they haven't made any attempt to give any back story other than they're short and they found a ring so now they're making up for it by giving me way too fucking much of it. CGI Monkey calls the ring precious and does so many times that it starts to make me ache for the boring scenes that aren't them. Anyways Gummy Bear trusts the CGI Monkey and Rudy doesn't. Rudy seems to be right based on the monkeys constant attempts at MURDERING THEM.

So the evil wizard guy who will be known as DraculaWizard is amassing an army of Worf's from Star Trek the Next Generation. And a big eye is overseeing it. The bad guy of these movies by the way is an eye. Kind of ....not intimidating. The worlds great evil is subject to demise from sand and cum shots. The evil ruler of the world could just be ignored and walked away from? Not having a physical form is a big mistake, with out there being an ultimate evil personified this movie really is just reduced to Worfs, pterodactyl riding ghost knights and CGI Monkey.

Ok so they're concentrating on the Girl Elf the Unfunny troll and Eastern Promises. They're running, which is good because Rudy and Gummy Bear are just walking and to be honest are kind of half assing it. Still running...I'm half expecting them to get to the ocean and turn around. So they run to the other ocean and turn around. When they got tired they slept. When they got hungry they ate. When they had to........you know.



They went.

I'm not even half way through this fucking shitpile.

Veruca Re-Salt

Salt. Again.
I tend to obsess on a movie or an idea for a week so bear with me on this one. And for those of you who are rolling their eyes fuck you. This movie was packaged as a smart thinking thriller action movie and its fucking clown shoes stupid. It is build a ramp stupid.

Moving along at a snails pace the worst part to Salt in retrospect other than the name of the movie, the marketing campaign, the bad story line that was basically stolen from Bourne Identity then slapchopped into a shit salsa, the casting of nobodies, her stale acting on top of her refusal to get naked, the complete lack of a twist in a twist ending and the shitty typical cliffhanger ending for the "just in case its a hit we can pump out sequels" Hollywood. THE WORST PART is the lack of respect and foresight for the people they were writing this movie for.

The ideal conditions by the writers would be to have the audience be questioning "What side is she on?" "Why kill the president?" "Was he in on it" "is she a body double?" "is her husband behind this?". The idea is to have the audience guessing and pondering the inevitable twist. But no. Everyone is sitting in the audience is just shifting in their seats thinking "oh god to what length of fucking bullshit will they go to explain this?" "Just get to her being a good guy again" "that president better not just suddenly not be dead later in the movie" "why haven't I seen her fucking tits yet?"

cool shirt dick, now GTFO

That blinding lack of understanding for the audience is the part of the movie where we are supposed to believe that she's actually Russian spy doing harm to America, killing the Russian President, knocking off CIA agents, plotting to kill the President of the USA. The fact the writers talked about doing this, said yes, spent days(or as i assume 45 minutes) hashing out the details of it and never asked: "Don't you think the audience will know they didn't pay 10$ to see a movie where Angelina Jolie actually is a Russian spy who kills people? Won't they know she's just acting like she is to get in deeper with the villains so she can foil it at the very top?" "Don't you think its a bit much for her to watch her husband get shot right in front of her and have a poker face over it?"(that actually happens she watches the guy she is in love with and is on run from the CIA to rescue get capped and then acts like it doesn't bother her. Brains on the wall, and she looks like she just ordered a sandwich from Panera all to keep her cover. She Forrest Gump faces it like oh well no used crying over spilt brain containing membrane and fucking fluid.)

What type of a movie would we be watching then? Besides an original movie that actually did something different. Then again it'd be hard to market a hero to America that kills the President of America....well maybe 12 years ago it would've been not so much now or with Bush but whatever. We would be watching a fucking disaster. It would be too controversial for theaters, at least with an A list talent in it. If some straight to dvd movie starring Amy Smart or Mena Suvari (holy shit remember her?) did this no one would care. When a legitimate star(WHY IS SHE A LEGITIMATE STAR)does something like this its huge. Demi Moore shaved her head and it was apparently so big the Mayans saw it coming.

When you get the entire audience to groan in misery at what you think is a great story arch you're writing a bad movie. The levees have broke and the audience is drowning in your cum. Your story has a million fucking holes in it and your movie stopped being a movie and became a visual chore. When the entire audience knows where the story is going you don't have a movie anymore. When the entire fucking audience is just counting the minutes hoping to see your hero's tits you've lost them. When you lose the entire fucking audience at the end of a movie its just a stupid movie with a bad ending, like Cast Away or Identity or Law Abiding Citizen (I'll get into that soon). Then its forgivable. But to lose your audience 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie and you know they're watching for another hour its fucking selfish and its shitty its something a conniving sociopath does when they aren't in control of themselves and can't help but to spread their shit all over everyone's Panera sandwich I'm hungry. Like when Valerie fucked her step-dad THE NIGHT BEFORE HIS AND HER MOM'S WEDDING just to do it. Its that bad, except i fucking bet the writer doesn't look anything like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen so its forgivable because you'd throw your mom into an alligator tank just to wash her dishes. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen by the way is much better looking than stupid Angelina Jolie AND even just with 90210, Saved by the Bell and Son in Law eclipsed Angelina Jolie's entire fucking body of work. There is nothing about Jolie that is superior in any way outside of lips current husband and hype that beats T-A T.

its upsetting it even gets discussed.

To lose yourself 30 minutes into a 90 minute movie just because the writers are lazy is like going for a walk with an elderly man up a mountain and back down it again. It wouldn't be so bad at first. You go your pace and he goes his. You run up the mountain while he walks slowly then you run down passing him while he's about half way up saying hello and being courteous. But then you get to the bottom and you realize he has the car keys. So you sit there hating the old man for going so slow and hating yourself for going fast. You sit there blaming yourself for not being stupid enough for Salt.

So salt expects people to wait the 40 minutes it takes to get to the finish we all know its coming. Its like when the Macho Man Randy Savage was a good guy. We all know with Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior as good guys that the bad guys needed a big name especially with an Aging Andre the Giant.(personally I think a young Rick Rude and Curt Henning with the pending addition of Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon could've handled the work load as bad guys but were so buried by Hogan at the time that they never got their shot.) We all know you're a bad guy Randy, so just be a fucking bad guy. Except in Salt's case its in reverse. This movie's story is so fucking bad and plaid out its subject to 1987 WWF comparisons. Except they don't have the Elizabeth Jake the Snake Roberts/Undertaker story to get you to like Macho Man first. There is no Summerslam Wedding with Salt, there is no Mega-Power (savage and Hogan) tag team with Salt. There is no Intercontinental Title Feud against Steamboat or Tito Santana with Salt. Theres just fuck you I'm here, I'm not, fooled you guys I'm here. Its a shitty practical joke by someone who isn't funny.

mom and dad

In this movie you're introduced to salt and 8 seconds later she's a villain? Is she? Its not like hey everybody I'd like you to meet Macho Man Randy Savage, he is now your friend and then BANG 2 seconds later he's teaming with Zeus to take on The Mega-Maniacs (Brutus and Hogan) and is a total villain now AREN'T YOU SHOCKED? At first you got used to him as being a good guy, for years he was a good guy, it was over fucking time where the story line built. He and Hogan were giving each other odd looks backstage and then it of course boiled over into the great Elizabeth conflict between he and Hogan. Now obviously Savage started out as a dick being mean to Elizabeth and whatever but obviously we skip ahead to when him and Hogan were teaming up together to take on Mega-Bucks(Million-Dollar Man Ted Dibiase and Andre the Giant)

Just wanted an excuse to post this picture.



This was Savage's peak and there is no fucking denying that and I'm disgusted any of you would say otherwise. To fucking sit around and waste time talking about pre-87 Macho Man is like talking about George Clooney before E.R Cam Neely before he was traded to the Bruins or Sasha Grey before Share My Cock 4, its a waste of time and no one discusses it.


You guys aren't gonna believe this but I found another better looking person who has a more respectable career than Angelina Jolie.



So in the movie i guess you're supposed to be in suspension of disbelief mode, like you are in any other movie but in all honesty I don't know this pig(back to Salt again sorry for the confusion this review is about Salt). She could be a Russian or an American loyalist what do I know? I don't know anything about this woman or her past you introduced me to her as "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" so at the end of the movie when she is "Salt the American CIA operative/spy" I kind of feel like i just got milked for no reason other than someone's sporadic idea to be a fucking dickhead. Its not a growth story when the person ends up exactly the same on the other side, its just an opening paragraph, here is Macho Man and sure enough 90 minutes later here is the same Macho Man. This is like meeting your friend's roommate's girlfriend. And then suddenly discovering she is a racist and then the big reveal that she isn't. Is it shocking? A little? barely? kinda? I mean you're facebook friends with her MAYBE at most. You don't know her last name or what her parents look like but you know what town she is from and maybe what she drives or a loose background about her job if it was in your field at all because if it isn't interesting to any degree you block it out. Is that shocking? An iota, but not as much as when you see a swastika tattoo on your moms chest when you walk in on her in the shower. What's insulting is when you know your friend's roommate's girlfriend isn't racist but she insists you don't know that and carries on like she is. Then later does a TADA and tells you she isn't racist and she's only pretending to be (shut up the analogy works).

So there you are. Over your friends apartment listening to some douche bag in a college sweatshirt she might have gone to that you don't know and could die tonight for all you care; Yell about the Jews when you know she doesn't mean it. Or your mom burns crosses in your neighbor's yard or drags their children behind her minivan. Oh plus you've seen your mom's tits. Unlike Angelina fucking Jolie in this movie.

into the mystic...

a brief vacation from all the rape and go into the nice light topic of race wars.

"Hey Chuck its your cousin Marvin. Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you've been looking for well listen to this."

And just like that whitey pulled the rug out from under the blacks for a billionth time.

Basically if you remember the plot Marty is stuffed into a trunk by Biff's gang of cronies. Who I always thought deserved a name. Anyways he's almost immediately freed by the band playing the enchantment under the sea dance(only after being called "spooks") and in doing so the guitarist hurts his hand and can't play. Marty fills in on guitar plays a cover of the penguins earth angel and then plays his own song. Now in his own song he covers Chuck Berry's Johnny Be Good and that would be all fine and dandy if it wasn't for the guitarist then picking up the phone backstage and calling his cousin, who we are to believe to be Chuck "shit on a glass table while i jerk off" Berry himself. And it is Marvin who shows Chuck the inspiration for what Chuck would create in the form of Rock n Roll. I mean the writing even implied that Berry stole the song outright too. Not even the sound, they're not implying a standard zeppelining they're going for the full blown carbon copy ripoff.



For years the knock against Elvis was oh he just stole rock n roll from the blacks but the writers of BTTF take that all back with one quick sucker punch. In what would be the inaugural time traveling movie and basically the prototype for thousand of stupid string theory arguments about time tributaries and all sorts of horseshit I will touch on way too many times. But in other go into the past movies the travelers alter the future greatly and there's all sorts of consequences. Marty to have altered the future in two ways. Firstly when he arrived in the future he knocked over a tree so the name of the future mall would be "Lone Pine Mall" instead of "Twin Pines Mall" and secondly he gave rock n roll to the black man.



Now in what I've learned of the space time continuum you can't go back in time and effect your own present but you'd be effecting a different dimension. And when Marty set the course for his parents meeting off course all he did was touch off a series of events in an irrelevant dimension that Marty would never be a part of unless he stayed there. So I understand this but you have to go by this movie's rules for reality and the effects there in.

A point of pride for blacks has always been that Elvis stole his songs from the black man and he had undeserved fame and fortune that was made from other people's sweat. And they'd be 100% right. So to take this from them is just kind of disgusting. The unmitigated gall of the writers of BTTF to use the benefit of altered reality and the space time continuum to bring about a chick/egg scenario with rock n roll. Did McFly give rock n roll to Chuck Berry or did Chuck give it to America and thus to McFly. What racist douche bags the writers are of this movie to have McFly's one "Gump like" alteration of pop culture and history alike be a backhand to black musicians and pretty much black culture.

Now I love LOVE Michael J Fox. So I'd like to point this out to people that before this critique. The idea, that some pukey highschooler who plays bad bendy metal solos with his shitty high school band would create the spark. The spark that gave birth to an American phenomenon and what could be our best gift to the world outside of medicinal works, automobiles and Katy Perry's tits in rock n roll: is just offensive. To spit in Chuck Berry, Little Richard and i'll even take it into blues and name guys that would hate my guts for naming them in a shitty blog review of a Disney movie but fuck it i wanna show my music dick LEADBELLY AND ROBERT JOHNSON's collective face is nothing but sheer Disney bigotry.