goodbye.

I'd like to ask you now to press play on the youtube video and read the following, I heavily edited out 3 different attacks on women to match time of reading to time of the video.

The death rattle for Jersey Shore obviously happened with the addition of Dina. Now I know hopping on and off fads is disgusting. But the reason I am typing this is to truly express how bad I feel for Vinny and Paulie. Always dignant always relative and self aware they filled their role perfectly. They were betrayed by their supporting cast, which ironically were the real stars of the show. Snookie became a cartoon and now has the over exposure of every top row center of Hollywood Squares.

see:

Jwoww was like skynet and was a great idea until she became self aware and stopped being a joke. Next thing you knew she had a hit clothing line that you could find at both her facebook page and personal website.

Ronny and Sammy's bickering became a punchline like "I know people like them who always fight" except they were apart of people's lives. This was supposed to be entertaining, and theres nothing fun about this face 4 times an episode followed up by 100 times.

I've watched her cry now more than I've seen anyone else cry. That is difficult to even wrap my head around. Its like seeing saying I've seen this person shit themselves and denounce their family 100 times on tv.

Lastly we visit the one that hurts the most. I have to admit I find no joy in Mike "the situation" anymore. His one liners and general candid shamelessness really just added up into me watching a famous person fuck girls I would not fuck, and if I were famous I would not speak to. I used to love Mike but he is just now the douchey guy at the party with the sales job who polarizes the entire room.

I looked forward to the second season with fondness. Now I just found out they are on Episode two of the 5th season and I still haven't seen the final to their second time back in Jersey.

jersey the 2nd exit.

I was wrong about Jwow. I hate feta cheese peanuts and chocolate and I've always been right about that. However. Jwow appears to be back in a big way. Whoever fixed Sammi's tits in the off season must have talked to Jwow because she's primed for a great season for several reasons!

1 New tits! Still horrendous, she still clomps around like a fucking clydesdale and walks like fucking frankenstein. But she's mixing it up! and thats what was needed right? she was more stale than me coming up with analogies.

2 She's battling with boyfriend which means she's on pace to embarrass him and her via fucking. Probably by fucking random people and maybe not so random. Maybe Ronnie? I'm hoping just to run Sammi off. Either way she'll either cheat on him. Which means either she will tell him and fall out. Or not so we can all roll our eyes. OR! She will blow up the relationship before they go out on a specific yet incredibly embarrassing mission for cock and THEN go back to him.

3 She's already throwing right crosses GRANTED she's missing wildly like every broad but she's still throwing them. She even took the fake punch set up and went with it.

4 New attitude. I think she's been humbled like I would humble all of you in 2002 NHL hitz. I hope she's been broken. There's always the possibility she's been spoken to by the producers about what a total fucking drag she was last year to watch. The most likely is that she watched the show and saw how fucking awful she came across. Either way she seems more personable and belonging to the crew. Maybe the millions of undeserved dollars she gets off of Snooki and Mikey's work.


back to this.

Its fun having my friends back. I see Situations awful clothes and Vinny's broken smile and Paulie's I've grown out of this haircut but I still need to have it otherwise I lose my gimmick face. I realize I have my friends back. Mikes already a scum bag, Paulie is already completely underestimating the producer created hostility and is completely shocked by everything, and Vinny is....still likable? He's useless but I love him.

Ronnie is back full force and just when I thought we were stuck in a bad Ronnie and Sammi I love you cause you're my girlfriend rut; he goes and saves the best for last like Vanessa Williams. The Sammi and Ronnie vs Snooki Deena and Jwow is amazing. Its like The Road Warriors vs Demolition. It already yielded what I assume will be the line of the season and to me the best quote of the two follow up seasons.

"You're a loser from Poughkeepsie and everyone knows it".

I've not yet begun to defile myself.

Now admittedly I love reality tv, and like all reality fans I'm a fan of The Jersey Shore and I have my favorites and I have my villains in the show. I never misunderstand the purpose of villains in the show and for me I can't stand Angelina and the reasoning is well understood and there is no reason to get into it. Everyone on the show is polarizing except for Vinny he's generally purposeless but likable and in the very least ate shit with that girl in Miami in front of all of us on tv making us all feel better about ourselves. Plus Vinny plays the straight man that everyone thinks isn't a complete wretch. So that just leaves Jwow.

You look at the girls. Each one of them has brought something to the show. Snooki is a mess who got decked. Sammi though a fucking pylon in the first season has become the person we all laugh at. Angelina started all out wars in the house. Which is the most underrated part of any hose beast on a reality show. She started panic in the house and I'll always want her back for that. Plus she fucked and was a total slob. When you look at Jwow there is no shit stirring. The only thing she brings to the show is the weekly shot of her adjusting her tits in the mirror. Now it may seem like I can only knock Jwow for being boring but theres so much more. She carries just about all of the show's short comings on her tremendously hilarious to look at masculine shoulders.

One thing that Jwow does that's definitely a negative is she gets Snooki out of the house and goes to eat monster salads. This seclusion of Snooki kills things. It rarely leads to anything other than that letter to Sammi that everyone thought was fake. When you take Snooki away from Mike Paul and Vinnie it just means less time for the 4 most camera valuable people together. Addition by subtraction. Unlike her horrendous tits. Which was subtraction by addition. Its like when Metallica finally got rid of Burton via that staged bus accident and brought in Newstead and then "accidently" released their best album. ...And Justice For My Ears!

With new self aware Jwow she doesn't go out as much, she lays in her bed every other night now and just calls him and even 30 second excerpts of their discussions are so vapid and boring that I can't imagine what they're editing out. When she doesn't go out theres nothing to laugh at anymore. She's not shouting at people, she's not fighting anyone or a part of any nightly hijinx. She certainly isn't fucking anyone so I can laugh at how like Angelina and Snooki she will meet someone and advertise to the world that she fucks after meeting you in a club on a fucking TV show where MILLIONS of people watch. Jwow to me is the most self aware of herself next to Mikey, the difference is that Mikey plays it up and acts like a shithead so people will watch.

Another thing about Jwow is she's just embarrassing. She has horrendous fake tits. I have recently had an experience with fake tits, now this has no bearing on this post but I just wanted to brag about touching boobies.
two balls of dull horseshit. She also looks like DanziFUCK THERES A SPIDER ON MY LEG no its my phone charger...Danzig. oooooof.

She talks about herself and her clothing line like anyone is interested. In the first episode of the new season she and Snooki were in a lingerie store and she holds something up and says "this is so my style I need this on my line". I fucking groaned at home. She sells herself constantly, she makes horrendous public appearances including fucking wrestling on SpikeTV. SpikeTV couldn't get any worse than it already was, so they grabbed the least compelling shore member.
this is in no way any more embarrassing than anything Angelina ever did on tv


But at least there she won a fight. Which is more than you can say about her at the house. Fucking girl sells herself as Chuck Lidell, and then in her one chance to drop bombs comes annnnnnd what happens? AT BEST a draw. Thats best case. I think she lost. My friend Vin insists it was a tie. But I don't see it. Fight started by Sammi, only clean shots landed? Sammi. Embarrassing post fight water bottle save face attempt but in reality announce yourself as the bitter loser? Jwow. It would be one thing to come on the show and sell yourself as Clubber Lang and then lose to Snooki, we all know she can take a punch. Maybe Angelina, Maybe. But Sammi? Sammi was really bad to lose to on top of things because the entire world pitied her for what was going on with Ronnie. When you lose to a victim you look like an even bigger loser.

Not sold yet? OK. Jwow smokes Newports. That in it of itself is unforgivable. She refuses to either be the joke or be a part of the joke consistently. So what the fuck are you then? You're on a white water raft refusing to fall off for the hilarity purpose or fucking paddle to move the raft along. If she was on Wild N Crazy Kids she'd be the timid to get wet/covered in whatever fluid is in the water balloons the kids are dropping and she is fucking costing the yellow team!

Another major problem is this show won't film for 2 months ever again. Thats a problem for the entire cast but it goes back to her. The kids all want 6 figures for 2 weeks now. So they have to take so much less time to make 10 episodes out of and there's just not enough content when people like Jwow do nothing for an entire season besides gets stomped on in a fight and then fake break up with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend by the way no one knows anything about. So its like a sitcom character breaking up with their extra/bit player spouse and expecting the audience to react. We don't know Jwow the girlfriend so who gives a shit if she is single or not. We know her as Jwow the hot mess who I'm supposed to look at and feel better about myself. Also i can't help but notice if Jwow and Snooki were combined they would be Amber from Teenage Moms.

The reunion was a miserable failure. If there is no fight it shouldn't be aired. I hate reunions mostly for the "stuff we didn't show" part. Which is ALWAYS filled with shit I would've rather seen than every 2nd and 5th episode of the season. "stuff we didn't show" is code for stuff we couldn't obviously edit into filling in one of our lacking episodes and it took place during one where we had too much going on. Copy pasting is always a show's friend but the producers obviously panicked last off season and added a firecracker shithead to the cast to make up for the loss of Angelina. The new broad by the way is also a friend of Snooki, they're trying so hard to separate Snooki from Jwow so fucking hard its like when HBK had to split with Jannety back in the early 90s. Snooki needs to throw Jwow through the barbershop window and go her own way. Except Jwow isn't Jannety, she's fucking Chyna with more questionable genitalia situation. She looks like an intimidating Bond Villain chief henchmen, in a Pierce Brosnan Bond movie by the way. Because she sucks and so does he. They should get married have kids and fucking suffocate them.

Jwow is the dude from Hurt Locker to Mtv's awesome-bomb. If the Jersey Shore was a Slip N' Slide or Crocodile Mile, Jwow would be the mom yelling from inside the house "THATS ENOUGH WATER" thanks mom. I guess theres such a thing as too much fun. Way to scale it back for me. Now I can't pretend I'm sliding into second base or diving into a foxhole to avoid the robot missile you piece of shit. Go fuck yourself and let me enjoy my made up world and stop drying up my fucking C-mile.


nope one more.

If Mtv had a great plan to sneak off some dinosaur dna inside a barbosal can to sell it off to Dodson when Hammond got cheap on them, Jwow would be the tropical storm killing your 15 minute window, the knocked over road sign, the waterfall and of course the Dilophosaurus waiting in Mtv's jeep for Mtv to get back in it and try the whole thing a 3rd time. And she is going to end up fucking killing them.