Green and or Yellow

WARNING THERE ARE A LOT OF OBSCURE METAL REFERENCES INSIDE, ANY BANDS I MENTION PROBABLY SUCK SO DON'T LOOK THEM UP.


Track by Track Mario style, heeeeere we go!!!!!!!!!

Unable to shake the mold of "uncreative metal act" the release starts out with a stupid instrumental build up track of non-coincidental noise that no one could possibly enjoy. It's like E Honda's moves in Street Fighter, they're stupid and repetitive and no one wants to ever see one again.

oh what a delight you are with your....multiple face palms? seriously what a chick you are

look out, for the top of his vulnerable head!!

first you hit me with your chin, which any boxer will tell you is a brilliant strategy, then of course yeah dude attack me with your ass, thats just fantastic

Ok right off the bat the second track first actual song of the album is really enjoyable, mostly because on this listen I'm not paying attention to the lyrics like I did the first time, whoops, paid attention. "DID YOU TURRRRRRN THE OTHER WAAAAAY" I know judging an album from a snippet is cheap(like E Honda's moves in Street Fighter) but how bad is that? Don't worry they get worse. Take My Bones Away sounds like a Rob Zombie song name and I mean that can either be a really tremendous thing or a really stupid thing. The song is completely different than Baroness' last release which is the highest praise any Baroness album can receive. Its like referring to any of Dale Earnhardt's races as "that one you didn't fucking die on national tv during".

Now seems like a good time to address the vocals, they sound EXACTLY like the short lived much hyped nu-grunge/metal act called CKY, which of course had the CKY video series as one of their brothers was Bam Margera. Now I guess this is where I should shred the band for this and the aforementioned CKY, but honestly, I've always enjoyed the band's work and I won't even call it a guilty pleasure, I will say they have 10 or so songs I legitimately enjoy and I'll say the bands sound is unique(until now lol) and I'll stand with this opinion, so whatever.
Vocal similarity comparison:
Baroness.

cky

tell me that's not incredibly similar.

MORE TO THE POINT, similar(identical) vocals aside, wow are they enhanced. They are the Coco of vocals.

Thanks to the new Baroness record metal fans can no longer make fun of pop vocals for being all studio enhanced. Katy Perry has as much cred as Lemmy and every uncreative argument about successful music with mass appeal is null and void to the bearded constituency.

The guitars sound a lot like Radiohead on various solos that the band has done. More on this later.

My god we're only at the third track. March into the Sea for some shocking reason shares the name with one of the few Pelican songs I'll admit to liking, even more shocking is I specifically enjoy the JK Broderick remix of the song, this entire paragraph belongs in 2004 or moreover the waste bin. Again, song sounds a lot like CKY vocals with Radiohead guitars, and that honestly is not a bad combination. Now lets concentrate on the lyrics. "Heroin where did you take my friend". Jesus that is some remedial stuff, maybe its heartfelt though, I just really feel like its Layne Staley cover act material. "when will you let me go" This is one of those depressing heroin songs that for some reason get instant legitimacy from me having dealt with substance abuse problems and friends of mine dying. However if I ever wrote "heroin where did you take my friend" I'd fully expect to be mocked.

On to what could be the worst track on the entire album, definitely is. Straight out of a Puddle of Mud record "Little Things" is just the worst. It sounds like some mid 2000s bad radio act, it sounds like Lit. It sounds like the band Lit, it sounds like the band Lit with echoed Eve6 vocals. I don't know what the song is about as no one could possibly have any connection with the vocals, but it sounds like he is blaming a girl for being sneaky and for some reason greasy, I'm sure it gets deeper than this but no one will ever find that out, its like a guy reaching into a ball pit and instantly finding a piece of shit, you're not going to go back digging in the ball pit for ANY reason despite what anyone says about further down in the ball pit there is something wonderful. Also calling someone or something "a sneaky little thing" just sounds ridiculous.

The next song is basically a 'A Perfect Circle' song with more echo vocals than a chanting monk cd. It also features about the same dynamics and range as one of those cds as well. It sounds like that stupid Sol Invictus song that no one really likes. Whatever its 2 minutes and honestly is a nice cohesive transition track between song 6 and 3 considering I will be deleting track 4. The 'A Perfect Circle' comparison is really the band I was thinking of when I first started writing this review for the comparison, unfortunately I don't know anything about that band or their sound so just hang on for some comic book references and me calling things "dumb"

Track 6! 2/3rds through! Its called Cocainium, which is either where Marvin Gaye played basketball or the periodic element found in Kate Moss' brain stem. Two up to date references, very proud of myself. This song is really weird.

Track 7 is really out of nowhere, the entire album sounds the same I think with the exception of this song, and wow does it sound a lot like Paranoid Android. Like exactly like it. To the point where if someone told me this song was recorded in the room Paranoid Android was recorded in 20 minutes after Radiohead left and no one touched any of the dials and used the same instruments and referred to the first recording as "the blue print" I wouldn't be surprised. The vocals at this point become numbing, they all have the same sound, all pretty much delivered through the entire album with the same cadence and it even gets to a wierd point where I'm convinced he's used the term "windowsill" in every song. awful 30 second electronic ambience at the end of this song, I guess as a build for the next song, but why not have it at the beginning of the next song, its like the opening credits for Return of the Jedi rolling at the end of Empire. I did that reference solely for Jaci.

So along with the echoed distortion added to the vocals now theres some weird electronic tinny sound being added on. I can not tell you how much the vocals sound like CKY. They sound like someone lamenting through the voice enhancing settings used for Apocalypse during the X-men Animated series that took itself way too seriously for its tween audience. You know, if the X-men were really into Radiohead. Hilarious lyric moment when "theres no difference between poison and the cure" is said, not because its bad songwriting, but because of how I instantly think of the bands Poison and The Cure and what a sad looking fat fuck hobbit Robert Smith is now.

Finally the closing track "Eula. Ok...this is a really good song. Its clearly coming from a legit bout of depression and suicidal thoughts and honestly if the entire album was like this I think I would love it, maybe I just need to try and get into the rest of the album like I can this song, not because I'm a sad pussy but because it just seems like they have a real connection with this one. I mean its funny how I feel about this song compared to the other songs on this album and I grant this one legitimacy....oh wait they just completely stole the guitar sound from the solo in Just by Radiohead. I cant blame a band for having the unfortunate circumstances of having heard Kylesa and Cult of Luna before they knew of Radiohead but come on guys. get a fucking sound. In their defense, Radiohead has more different sounds than just about any band so I will give them a brief reprieve when I say that its hard to say that they've copied the guitar work of that band. That being said Radiohead have sold more records than just about anyone and to act like their sound has eluded you is kind of silly.

I don't want to attack this band for having the idea to create something. I give this band all the credit in the world for doing something better than their last idea to release a 'better' sludge metal lp. So fuck it they put on Icarus wings and took a flight and whether or not it worked out at the very least you can say it sounds nothing like Rebreather. Which at this point in my life is the biggest compliment I can give. But in closing.

New Baroness = Paranoid Android arrangement + CKY vocals + Def Leppard vox effects + Alice in Chains lyrics + Radiohead guitar tones on solos + ANOTHER FUCKING DISC OF THE SAME THING .

I was planning on doing a live review of the new Baroness record thoroughly smashing it. Unfortunately I think I like it. Sorry for the cock tease.

What the Crap is Burn Notice?

Has anyone seriously watched Burn Notice? I would be shocked it's still on the air but seriously it's on the USA network and I don't really know what to say about that. 

Well it features a former operative who I guess works free lance now? I don't understand it and I honestly would be shocked if anyone expects me to. The funny thing is the main character  is fucking dreadful at acting. He goes into character at least once a show. He can't even do his own voice and he does like Boston accents and French accents about as effectively as you would assume 'The Situation' could. 

His accents aside are bad enough but forget that. He has the funniest over done facial expressions ever I would be shocked if he had a face before being cast in this show. In fact I'm almost positive the face is a mask and they just give him different ones for the scene. I'm not sure he's ever had a conversation before either. This episode he is doing a southern accent and I also would like to parlay my never having a face bet with never ever speaking to another adult before. I swear to fucking god I'm waiting for him to say "Tarnations!!". I think he's trying to be an oil baron. Those are owned by major corporations now what year do the writers think this is? Why not just be a slave owner? 

So he has two friends and basically a new enemy every episode. The enemy is whoever the enemy is of the person who pays him. So basically the enemy  is really just a matter of perspective. 

He has two friends. One is Ash, Ash from Evil Dead is apparently on a cable show. How is that not a bigger deal then it is? I mean I guess it isn't really a big deal. I could pretend it is. But honestly who even gives a shit about him anymore. Dude was in 3 good (for its genre no one who can be taken seriously would take Evil Dead trilogy over a good serious drama) movies almost 20 years ago. I'd say 'what happened' but really he's not a very good actor so why even speak of him. In the show he plays a sidekick/best bud who apparently drinks beer a lot is a womanizer and wears Tommy Bahama shirts. So basically you sit around all episode hoping he dies. 

Secondly is some girl who plays the girlfriend/also sidekick who is shockingly really really good at acting. Like pretty good. For USA network she is unapproachable. And she is out and out gorgeous....when she wears all over the face sunglasses. When she doesn't yikes. Well it's nice to see a girl get work from just acting merit. She's like the opposite of Scarlet Johansson. And too bad this is basically as successful as you can be as a not so attractive actress. The USA Network. 

getting deep with thrones.

Why does the show think that the hound quitting the war means anything to me? You've spent no time explaining him to anyone how do I know he wouldn't do something like that? Your show is spread too fucking thin and I don't know who this jerk off is or why he quit or if him quitting was fuck all expected or not. You spent 8 episodes getting me ready for a 35 minute war how dare you say winter was fucking coming when it shows up at the end of the last episode 20 seconds before credits. People draw comparisons to lotr and this show and they're right. They both made you sit through 9 hours of set up to see a short war that you thought was brief but ended with an army you don't care about showing up and beating everyone off camera.

It's funny when you read about the budget restraints on this show and what they did to save money. They really did a brilliant job of stretching a buck at parts and then having the scenes in New Zealand look so great spending millions there. But really, this was just a set up season. There was one great part of one show and the rest has just asked more of the viewers. There was no progress in a lot of story lines. 15 minutes devoted to the Dragon Girl. Maybe double that for the Night's Watch. Why even have them?

How can the story they end the last season with mean nothing this season? If season 3 is anything like season 2 the snow zombies will be a 15 minute sub plot that is killed off in the final episode before anyone really has time to think about what they are/were to the overall story.

Games on Games on Games

I've decided to complain again about a cable tv show for being over praised. Now before I do the whole Walking Dead thing I will say this, Game of Thrones is not a poorly written action show that people just enjoy because of the action content and the exclusive elements of gore and sex. I'm not sure its written at all.

I understand it is a novel that tons of teenagers, virgins and socially awkward women have loved for years upon months now, but this show is about as easy to follow as Nightcrawler free running parkour style through midtown Manhattan circa .

Why does a 5 front mega war need more going on in it other than the war? Adding to it is kind of ridiculous right now isn't it? A war in itself can be confusing, especially when all the characters look like Amon Amarth. To take a war of one army spread out in three parts against 3 different sieging families only really referred to as "The Northerners" is really fucking confusion, but add to that a civil war between one of "The Northerners" only distinguished by the slightest of idiosyncrasies and of course, which way the deer is facing on their emblems you can't really get a good look at at any time. A civil war between two deer clans that you by the way have no idea who is right and wrong. They both make claims for the throne, what throne by the way I'm not sure, because they're trying to kill each other and not the guy who has a throne that I actually need to see the person inhabiting killed otherwise I won't be able to fucking live with myself.

Add to that 3 different groups of people have altercations involving 3 different mythical creatures. I admittedly hate the fantasy aspect of the show and the thought of dragons and walking zombie werewolves is enough, but adding an unexplained smoke monster to the ordeal and losing him for the next two episodes with no mention of him in anyway is pretty fucking cruel, even for a show featuring baby wars. Unexplained smoke monsters by the way always the sign of a lazy show that is disgustingly overpraised by fan boys who should just be watching Batman movies crying about their inaccuracies to a comic book the movie is not based on. Which by the way shares a hilarious similarity with this show. If you want the books, read the books. This is different. Also, has anyone explained who impregnated Tori Amos with Venom? And why that whole situation has miraculously disappeared from the show?

God fucking dammit there are pirates, which were made a deal about for about....20 minutes. Then never discussed. A supposed Naval Armada battle against a Kingdom protected by its impenetrable walls(finally a story with a kingdom with impenetrable walls). Dragon lady vs The villain from Harry Potter and Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation's love child who can do the Multiple Man trick. Who stole 3 cat sized dragons who are supposed to be powerful and bring Blondy Naked Lady to her rightful(not explained) spot on the throne. Which gets about 40 seconds a week to unfold.

Not fucking done. Add a separate sub-story involving two different kids, one you don't care about who is crippled and had what could be the worst non-twist in any story line ever. He's dead at the end of one episode, and everyone goes "nah he's probably not dead". And at the end of the next episode is SURPRISE HE'S ALIVE to which EVERYONE watching at home goes "yeah dude we know". Then add someone you actually give a fuck about and have her have the thrilling life of being a waitress/maid/bug eye giver at every situation she is in.

Its like its a silent movie she over does the facial expressions,

look away from the tv you can actually hear her make the faces.

As for how convoluted the show can be. It's like watching Lord of the Rings on an iPad in a movie theater while they play Braveheart while someone next to you is reading you the script to All the Presidents Men and every 15 minutes you have to watch 2 minutes of Finding Nemo with two different fish. Then throw in 4 love triangles and a couple different starting love stories none of which really get going because they have to focus ON THE FUCKING WAR. Then...again, try and read a novel of a man sent away by his family to go live on a wall in the middle of nowhere and just constantly elude to a mythical werewolf that you haven't seen since the first episode as he has run ins with 3 different clans of people who's origins intentions and way of life is never explained, also add in a love story with him that is actually different than the others and somewhat interesting, but you only get about 3 minutes a week to tell his story. Of course because its on hbo you have to add in brief soft core interludes of uncomfortable sex between a hideous looking man and a girl who either looks like Florence and the Machines or a sickly version of the bi girl on House. Some of which featuring incest, So much fucking incest. I guess there was incest back then, but you don't have to feature it every other episode. Its like pointing out that black people were called different terms in a series by having a segment every show called "the spook minute". We get it, stop founding a monument on the fucking thing. I think the series is kind of like the opposite of any other on tv, rather than have a lot happen to a couple characters they have decided to have a little happen to about 60.


That last paragraph was convoluted and confusing. Now imagine 70% of the characters in those movies all look like this.

Tim Burton. Eh.