confessions of a reasonably safe mind

I have a confession. some of the best movies of the year are being released currently and this is when Oscar films are being pushed and i live with in reasonable driving distance of at least 20 theaters that show legit non-major release films that people would line up to see. movies that will be talked about for "best" of the year. and i went out by myself and saw "We Bought a Zoo".

I'm 28.

Anyway Matt is just great in about anything he is slowly becoming my answer for "who should play" over now too old Gary Oldman. Also its not really advantageous of me to tell you that Matt Damon is a good actor its a communal opinion that he is great or at least very very good and people who think otherwise are just fools.

ONWARD!!!!!!!!

I went into the movie wanting to have a good time. and then in the opening credits to my dismay and honest surprise Scarlett Johansson is in the movie. And it no longer became a movie I was trying to enjoy. The movie became my adversary and I officially wasted my 12$ on the ticket, I walked into the movie wanting to be happy and wanted to not think about much. Not like I'm stressed or I am miserable(jk) but since I don't have nostalgia for terrible 80s movies save 10 or so my rainy days are spent watching new movies. In this case one I wanted to like everyone in it. And I was refused entry to the party.

FUCK.

Septic and apoplectic I drudged on with my mind already made up. So we start the movie....and Matt Damon's wife dies. Fuck... already? He buys a house, surprise the house comes with a catch, you'll never guess what. Here is why I can never be taken seriously. At no point did I get into the movie, no fault to the movie, it actually was very pleasant looking, the sun was yellow the landscapes though limited were quite nice and generally I liked everything I took in visually. Until of course her.

this is pretty much what she did to the movie.

Doughy and boring Scarlett eats up the scenes she is in by not fitting in. She is unconnected to who she is in the movie. Its like the Mars Attacks alien dressed as a woman waving around looking at things and NOT STICKING OUT AT ALL. I don't mean to be a dick but Damon has a daughter in this movie who will go on to be better actress than Scarlett. That's not an insult, I'm just convinced whoever the girl is in this movie will win an award(s) in my lifetime.

Thomas Hayden Church and Dakota Fanning's sister are both in this movie as well. There is a sea of talent in this movie surrounding the desert island that is Johansson. They're so good and it really made up for the completely miscast Johansson; that's not just me calling her miscast because I dislike her. She really isn't the character she was supposed to be. She was cast as a girl who's looks aren't the focal part of her character. And that's shallow and all I know but its just what it is. She plays the Zoo worker who is just there. She's the learning curve for Matt and the stability and transition and whatever. She played the cohesion of the movie. And her inadequacy is such a sore thumb that its a discredit to everything I took in.

Now I know people insist she can act, not many, but until it shows up why not have her skip the roles written ideally for talented actresses who don't have to show side tit to not be acceptable for the fucking role? No one forced Yasmine Bleath into roles where she isn't praised and just looked at. If Scarlett is just the girl at the zoo than the zoo is on fucking Mars. We bought a zoo, with Natasha Henstridge. Basically the movie dropped a tuna in the middle of the screen and everyone had to walk around it and pretend it was just part of the carpet.

your average zoo keeper.

Cameron Crowe does nothing for me honestly. I never made it all the way through Almost Famous, no fault to the movie I just was never pulled in enough while its been on cable to finish it. I hated Jerry McGuire and Vanilla Sky and I honestly thought Tom Cruise was great in both of those movies. He should just be a music director for a film because he picks good soundtracks, but even then you can just google "safe classic rock songs" and you can fill it in just as well as he does. This will probably be written down as my favorite Cameron Crowe movie. But with no real second place its kind of like my favorite Duncan Jones movies. First place would be Moon, and I haven't seen Source Code, so.......

this wasn't a really funny review. but whatever.

also a girl I know has a facebook status of this....
"College is not for me. I need to travel the world and help the less fortunate. That's a better learning experience than spending thousands to learn stuff you can read about online."

Sherlock Holmes

I'm now typing this review or synopsis or complaint in real time as the movie goes, wanted to try this for a while.


not a good start.


Now I love Downey JR but its movies like this that make me think he wasted a couple months where he could've been filming something wonderful. I suppose I'll feel the same way when I have to see due date. OK this is my second time watching this movie.....and I have no fucking clue what its about.

Downey does a great English accent and I wish I dressed like every man in this movie and had their mustaches. Is this bad guy Stanley Tucci? He looks just like him. Kind of happy his teeth are horrendous. I'm glad another movie wasn't scared enough to bring back the drug a human as to fool a medical professional into thinking they are dead only to secretly be in a coma...or movie or...WHY DO PEOPLE WRITE THIS SHIT. It happening in a fun tongue and cheek semi-comedy semi-action semi-history piece movie like this a fake death can happen without me feeling like a shitfiend. But in Salt a movie I'm supposed to take seriously its just fucking offensive.

Rachel McAdams by the way does a wonderful job of convincing everyone that she is alive even though obviously she is dead. I like to think that Rachel McAdams is cast as an American woman because she couldn't possibly do the entire movie in an English accent. Especially when she can barely do an American one. She is very attractive lady. Annnnnnnd that's about it. She is so utterly replaceable and frankly out of place in this movie a muppet would've stuck out less. The guy who cast her as "the mystique clever femme semi-fatal who may be playing both sides" is such a poor fucking choice. I could talk her into fucking me. I'd just open up recent photos and a list of work of Jennifer Love Hewitt and look at her and say, "this is your future". She would become so instantly depressed and manic that she'd almost have to fuck me just so she doesn't feel sad anymore, well its either fuck me or burn herself with a cigarette lighter, right then.

I guess if Jude Law wasn't standing next to RDjr throughout this entire movie he would be charming and handsome. This was a bad movie choice for Law. He might never be cast again after this fucking blunder. What is he going to bill himself as now? He does the 2nd best English accent in this movie(to an American). He is the second most charming English man in this movie (to an American). He is the second most attractive man(to an American). I can picture his manager and agent picking up phone calls for people who are looking to cast "unlikable Ewen McGregor" or "snarky younger less talented douchier Gary Oldman".

At some point the fucking scientist who finalized the movie script assumed the entire audience would be chemists. What the fuck are these people talking about? Stop making references to powders and compounds like I'm a 19th century alchemist. I could watch this movie pausing to get filled in by Bill Nye and still miss gigantic plot points. The fact that I can't name another(or an actual) chemist is kind of disheartening.

Are you sure the bad guy isn't Stanley Tucci?

Mark Strong, not Stanley Tucci
Stanley Tucci not Mark Strong

Does anyone understand this secret order free masony sub plot? My nose whistles when I breathe out, its the most entertaining part about this movie right now. I sit around killing time until RDjr is back on screen the guy is a complete delight. I love the band saw scene. He's about to cut Rachel Mcadams in half via a fucking bandsaw in a slaughter house. Makes me think that the guy is just dastardly. Later he's gonna tie her to train tracks or hand cuff her next to a bomb with a long fuse, then he's gonna enter the Wacky Races with his dog Mutly.



Its the ending of this movie that's so offensive. What the fuck even happens? They try to summarize things up in a rush of flashbacks but it just becomes fucking confusing. When a writer of a movie buries you under boxes of questions it sucks when you don't get to open them individually and enjoy the answers. Instead the movie just rips you from under the pile and says "dude fuck those boxes who needz em?!" Now you're out of the boxes and suddenly the credits are rolling and you're left with 0 answers other than the cliffhanger ending. Which is tremendous for me. Because now I refuse to see the sequel.

This is why this movie is a disappointment. RDjr is one of the best actors of all time and he's in a movie with an ok cast and a great plot to a movie being a period piece of a brilliant quirky detective foiling a plot to over throw a government. And when it lands hot piss short of it its as upsetting as seeing that Bruce Willis' version of 'Under the Board Walk' making a Best of Motown compilation multi-disc set. This movie had Marvin Gaye for an actor and The Funk Brothers for a setting and plot and then had Ke$ha for a story execution. I'm fucking freezing.