so i got a job

http://www.thecasualheroes.com/

i'll be there until further notice
thanks guys

Vexed.

I don't know if I'm more embarrassed I ever masturbated to Mena Suvari or that I thought 'American Beauty' was a very good movie.

Dredd

I hate positive reviews but let me just say this movie is to action as Scott Pilgrim Vs The World was to comic book movies. It's the severely under panned under appreciated gem of its respective genre that didn't get the audience it deserves because its audience is too busy making a big deal out of the Nolan Batmans to notice far better movies around them.

The fact this movie will just be a kicked around DVD that people will have to make their friends watch only legitimizes it to me. Those make up most of my favorite movies. This one is no exception. Whoever made this movie. Good work sorry no one noticed.

Best Director. Spielberg, Tarantino, PTA, Wes Anderson, Kathryn Bigelow, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Snubs for days.

Kathryn Bigelow

Paul Thomas Anderson

Wes Anderson.

Quintin Tarantino.

Ben Affleck

I get depressed thinking that the Oscar won't be won by one of these people, they're actually with the inclusion Michael Haneke that rounds out my top 5-6 of picks for who I thought deserved it. The more I read about film direction the more I'm convinced I know more than I actually do and the more I start to believe my phony bologna opinion. David O'Russel makes fantastic movies and Ang Lee really made an entertaining movie, but neither were considered by anyone to be top 5 movies of the year. Its just kind of disarming to see Beasts of the Southern Wild on this list, I guess its their "see we're still cool" nomination by picking a first time movie maker for his extremely overwrought attempt. I mean the movie really was just a phenomenal acting job of a five year old who didn't know what was around her was a complete mess. The film is like drunk college girl sloppy. It just seems the Hole of movies, it feels like its connected to something great, but it just feels like too many contrived hands have touched it and when you finally get your hands on it it just smells like a handful of really well travelled and handled coins.

The inclusion of Spielberg just seems like a nod to his name. I guess Lincoln is set to sweep but it really shouldn't. The worst part about Lincoln was the point of view and pacing. The two things I can really determine what a director does. And that movie was unbalanced and milquetoast period piece that everyone saw in the mid 90s.

This is my first Oscars where the story isn't who wins it was who isn't nominated. Ben Affleck wins the Golden Globe but isn't nominated for an Oscar? I don't understand that. I understand which carries more weight but is anyone else surprised at how that comes off? Kathryn Bigelow gets some heat for her movie that depicts actual events not having a spin on it to condemn torture more. Like she should've changed the story to help the Hollywood agenda. And I'm not some anti-Hollywood down with liberals guy but to act like a movie that didn't carry the social message you subscribe to is somehow evil now and the returning Best Director from 2 years ago who is back with a bigger better movie is a fucking crime against art.

Whatever. Bigelow Anderson Affleck PTA Tarantino Haneke in that order. So good luck Mike. Anyone but Spielberg would make me happy,

I feel like Ice Cube has disgraced us.

Cable tv shows with the Dragging Tattoo

I guess everyone is mad at Homeland for its nonsensical direction and as much as I agree with them I just can't fully commit to the idea that suspension of logic for the sake of filling a plot hole means nothing.

Homeland took some chances this year and to not give the audience what they want without it being self serving of their own indulgences to make the show something it isn't is refreshing. That being said they really took their time with some stuff and rushed others. The drama with the daughter hit and run was more upsetting and inappropriately balanced you'd think it was the sodomy rape scene in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The episode where Ginger Al Qaeda murders the Vice President was more rushed than whatever cohesion element and scenes that were missing from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to make it the movie people rank it an 8 on imdb.

I don't even like anyone on The Walking Dead as much as I like my secondary pick on who i want to win an episode of Chopped. There was less transition between these two paragraphs than The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.... That should be the last of those references. Well not so quick. I hate when an actor or actress goes through a physical transformation and is automatically considered giving a great acting performance. Rooney Mara got nipple rings and a frumpy hair cut and suddenly now she is Deniro in Raging Bull? I won't secede this point. She doesn't emote through out the entire movie. She basically did what Christian Bale did in The Machinist and hope the absence of their reserved self torture shows through the fact they don't look like their Wikipedia photo. I almost feel like Charlize Theron and Robert Deniro unknowingly opened a pandora a box for marginal work to be unendingly praised.

So does anyone find the rotating door of characters in the Walking Dead to start to feel more like an assembly line of zombie testing dummies and less like a cast of characters. Black guy 1 lasted a while. 2.45 seasons before he is eaten. But then there is black guy 2. He overlaps black guy 1 by about 2 episodes. But he eats a shotgun blast to the tits so he is gone. And just when you think the show has gone all New Hampshire they introduce another black guy.

I'm starting to feel like the show just gives you people to kill them. And if that is the case and all we really attach to is the father and son who effectively won't die then what are we watching? It's a recipe for feeding zombies. I guess I'll partake. I guess.

Story time.

I went to a pet shop/zoo in Providence one time. Guy had alligators monitor lizards snapping turtles. I asked the gentleman what's the thing you want to be bit by the least. He pulls out a coffee tin and gets a feeder mouse. Drops the mouse in and tilts the can towards me.

I was expecting a dinosaur or a thousand scorpions made out of barb wire. I look in and see a centipede bite the tiny mouse and hang on. I was like. 'Cute bug'. The mouse proceeds to melt from the inside out like it stared into the Arc of the Covenant and it was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.

I've since thought about that bug biting my hand or my ankle and just feeling my tissue dissolve. Tendons, arteries even bone just become a green mush and how devastating that would be. Achilles' tendon just corroding down to paste.

What an awful little pile of shit that centipede was.

Disney buys Star Wars.

I don't understand how a bunch of 25-40 year old men complain about a movie studio/toy company who's purpose is to sell to children buying a franchise that was made for children.

This is like everyone being mad if Disney bought Nintendo, when I was a kid Nintendo was great, I'm an adult now I don't blame Nintendo for having kids games, they're not for me anymore I didn't expect Nintendo to mature with me much like I didn't expect Sesame Street or The Muppet Babies and the way Star Wars fans shouldn't be upset that their franchise didn't mature for them. Children like Jar Jar Binks. Kids loved him, like the fan boys all liked Chewbacca. Have some fucking self awareness you fucking pricks. It's not for you. It's time to grow up and move on to overrate another mediocre franchise that will haunt me the rest of my life.

Try The Dark Knight. I hear there's plenty of mundane shit in that movie to debate forever.

Newrosis

When Neurosis submitted their album for review(me downloading it illegally off a blogsite) I figured here we go, another installment from my favorite band. And it's funny because I never gave myself a chance to really explore Given To The Rising. Which is fine that album only came out a couple years agFIVE!?!? THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO?

Ok first song. I love neurosis however I find it extremely presumptive of Scott Kelly to say we ALL rage in blood. Speak for yourself mister.

I sometimes think that Scott and Steve just try to see what an ass the other one is acting like, and tries to out do it. Like a pissing contest. It's like a game of dickhead chicken and neither of them is going to pull up and admit that the other won. Like oh you wrote about walking through snow fields that go on forever? Ok well let me compound it and scream more about wolves some more. Fuck he made the reference to blistered hands now what? I got it I'll bring up unending darkness.

I don't get it. Will the new world be cold or will it be too warm? They talk about deserts and snow so much I really don't even think they know what's going to happen. I wonder if they are doomsday prep-ers. Neurosis needs a reality show so bad. I bet they spent all their mercy money on a desalinization tank.

That's a really long verse to begin an album, it was kind of just a run on sentence. 18 bars is asking a lot of someone who listens to pop-rap but they've still got me. I mean of course they do. I love this band and I'm so happy to have more music from them. I'm a Neurosis apologist. I claim everything they've done after 1994 is gold. I even like their side projects, or ignore them if they suck.

Ahhhh it's Steve's turn. I love neurosis formula, it's a formula and it feels completely different every time. God do these lyrics make no sense at all to anyone but them. Whoever says these guys lyrics are great are just trying to fit in. Steve loves to hold notes. He's like a little Celine Dion in black jeans and a beard. Was that a vague heroin reference? Are heroin references ever not vague...other than that Baroness song about 'heroin what have you done with my friend'. God was that hilarious.


For a world with no people and just selected cults and nomadic wondered looking for berries and sustenance there sure is a shit ton of battles. There's 30 people left alive why are we fighting each other?

More of my favorite music. More lyrics that make no sense. Can't wait until Neurosis lets us into their little club where their lyrics don't just seem like a man listing things that seem not fun to go through and talk about being tired from walking a lot.

It gets to a point where I genuinely wonder about neurosis' life. Does anyone in neurosis own a copy of Up on DVD? Which member laughs at the other's lyrics behind their back the most? Do they rent? Own? What's their bathroom look like? Did they have any strong opinions on Chris Benoit? Christmas trees? Do they have kids that go to school or do they just wear cloaks around the house and practice with their scythe?

Yessss the slow starting song that eventually breaks after 4 minutes and turns into rifftits.... I guess that's every song. But fuck you. I need this. Iron? He brought up iron? Who is harvesting this iron? God the apocalypse just seems like too much work. I have no skills really. If the world ends will there be a band I can make fun of? Or will they battle me? I'm just not a fighter for survival type. And I'm one of the billions really. Only four or five of the 101 Dalmatians really fought for their lives if you think about it. The rest just ran behind the others and made sarcastic comments.

This song I guess is about starving. Which is fine. But it would be like me writing a song about hang gliding. Neurosis aren't exactly svelte and trim. Gaping wounds? Pass! He's yelling about shadow worlds. I assume this is a Zelda reference.

Just went to the bathroom and Scott is still yelling about a shadow world. Just use the mirror dude you'll go back to light world maybe that's the desert they're talking about? They talk about 'a mountain' 'a desert' Hyrule? My mind is blown.

I've always felt like X-Men First Class was a more enjoyable holocaust movie than Schindler's List.....what brought that up? This guitar part is lasting a while I guess haha.

walken dead

Can anyone tell me what is likable about the horrible pirate hoarders the cast of the Walking Dead have become? I didn't really care if they died to begin with and now that they show no sign of being human I'm completely disconnected from everyone on the show.

Resident Evil Six

So like me you forgot how disappointing 5 was and still have your hard on for 4 and you bought 6. To be honest with you I don't understand how this series still exists. 8 something average games, 5 worse movies all held up by partial Jovovich nudity and a game cube game that came out 7 years ago that featured a quick time jet ski event as the final level. Well its too late, you surrendered your money anyways and its time to be underwhelmed like you were at a metal festival, you're surrounded by mouth breathing zombies that look ghastly and you're out 60$(insert your gross currency conversion here) and it appears to be hours before you get to feel safe again. If you are tired of the formula of the last couple games well then you're in luck you didn't just purchase a typical Resident Evil game, which is great, because you get tired of doing the same repetitive things and you long for a new format or at least a twist on what you've been playing in the last couple games. So here it is Resident Evil....meets Gears of War. What? You didn't want that? No one was asking for that? Well too bad.

Actually I understand changing the game around and Gears of War and Call of Duty sell a lot of units so as disappointed as I am with the decision to become a ultra-linear piss based duck and cover, push up the line, rail shooter. Updated formula I guess, don't want to go stale right? I play these games trying to figure out who is the Fifth Element girl and it never happens so what the piss do I know. But the duck and cover fire around corner way of playing this game is just boring, also pointless considering many times you are dumped into a huge room with bad guys spread out. So if you velcro your back to a wall you are probably about to get your neck bitten by a pale Asian man with blood dripping from his mouth. Which would be alarming if there was no such thing as porn tube sites.

I really don't know the characters, Leon is from 4, Chris is from 5, and everyone else is just a blur. The funniest part about the game is its assumption you care enough to remember its mythology, my favorite thing about comic books is when it catches you up during the story in a seamless transition, if you missed Thor 22, Thor 23 will do a reasonably acceptable job of letting you in on whats going on. Resident Evil assumes you are its biggest fan and they are above explaining anything to you. Just kind of hit the ground running, more importantly though it doesn't really matter does it? Leon is paired with some girl named Helena who you never get attached to or love like you do Ashley from 4. Chris has Piers, lol Piers. Jake and Sherry.... no idea. And eventually you play as Ada, Ada has the batman grappling hook that you don't really get to use that much and for the first 3 campaigns she is pretty much just a cock.

Speaking of outdated, why not abandon the whole stupid herb system? I'm getting rockets fired at me by militia henchmen and a gas has turned men into indestructable flesh eating giant mutants with Cyberdine arms, why am I finding potted plants and eating them to feel better? Why do I have to equip the plant and then hit the button to use it? Why don't I just use it out of my inventory? Maybe I should just be happy the duck and cover health regen system isn't in use. Lets talk about the modernized additions to the game...

New additions:

HUD/NAV Point!!! Well one is a constant NAV point on my HUD telling me where to go, constant. At no point is it not on the screen for the first couple chapters, Even if there is one door in a room, it will remind you that to progress, one must go through it. The ammo is always on the screen shown by twinkly lights, and when you fire an automatic weapon its incredibly distracting. The health Bar is always on the screen and apparently a stamina bar, which is impossible to run out of especially when you exchange trinkets for upgrades, which no one would ever do, except me.

Sliding!!!! They added the ability to run and slide on your ass and be able to fire from the ground. This is a great addition because mobility is something you don't need when fighting a room full of zombies, neither is the ability to not be pig piled on by zombies that are behind you(you can't turn around quickly when you're on the ground) so basically they added a feature that is for the bored and adventurous who want to see why nobody has ever won a boxing match in the prone position.

Swimming!!! Was swimming the missing element? The bane of my existence is the swimming parts in video games, never could get past the swimming part in NES Ninja Turtles, no one goes back to the swimming levels in Mario 64 for a fun review of the water mechanics, games are involving enough I don't know why I have to deal with the responsibility of my players blasted breathing. Granted you swim for about 2 minutes total but as you can tell it was a rather taxing 2 minutes on me. But seriously you know why there has never been a action underwater game where you have really great advanced swim physics? Because swimming is like watching your loved ones die in front of you.

Weapons!!!!!!! You store 20 different weapons in your back pocket. It becomes a little silly that by the end of the campaigns I have 4 assault rifles on me at all times, and never enough ammo. You can upgrade your weapons and skills as you go along by collecting trinkets that though barely having any value in reality but in a post apocalyptic time you can exchange them for the ability to kick harder and make bullets hurt more. The weapons gradually get bigger so the further you go into the game switching guns becomes more and more comedic and like a cartoon.

Gameplay:

Your partner is just a hindrance, much like in parts of 4 when you had to protect Ashley, and all of 5. They go down needing to be picked back up, they never can cover for you in battle the way you need. Why is the single player game sacrificed for the need of a co-op campaign mode? Why would a zombie based horror thrill action game assume anyone has friends? Also it feels exactly like Medal of Honor when you are reduced to playing push up the front line over and over against the.... pro-zombie mercenary/henchmen? Anyone care to explain how evil someone can be so as to accept a check in return for supporting a gentleman who's main goal seems to be the death of 5.97 billion men women children tits and dolphins? You people are somehow worse than Nazis.

The weapon use is all the same everything has a laser site but you have the option for a retical if you need one, and if you do I recommend having someone come over and beat the game for you and sleep with your girlfriend because you are a knob. One great thing about this game is that the melee system is the best combat method, way superior to firing shotguns into zombies chests, which makes me think a ball was dropped here, and kicked down a hallway into the silly room. Shouldn't melee be a last line of defense? Whoever spent the time on the melee mechanics and art development had some sway with the final product, because the best way to confront a body armor wearing zombie firing a m4 at you from across a rooftop is to charge at them while they go through cycled animations of them yelling and pointing at you, get close enough to them and hit the L button to kick them in the chest or break their neck. After you've done the same melee moves 10 times each you get kind of tired of them, which is funny because then you get to say the sentence that just proves the myopic nature of this combat system "I'll think I'll challenge myself and use the firearms instead".

This game glitchy, my partner gets stuck in all doors, every little door has a tiny none shall pass Gandhalf reference within. Your partner also will either run away from you or stand in your way, there is no middle ground. Zombies that get in close to you can not be hit by bullets, there is no aiming system with anything within 4 feet, you will just miss, center-mass non-headshots are like peeing on a 10 story inferno. In fact the best way to kill these zombies is the one feature the game lacks the most, a back pedal option. If you're far enough away from an enemy it doesn't know its on camera and will just sit there waiting for its cue. You can repeat skull snipe them for as many hits as it takes(multiple head shots from sniper rifles are necessary apparently) and they won't move, they'll just take repeat beatings and sit there like an Irish woman until they die.

Camera system just aims into walls when it wants, there is no control there is just anarchy, back up into a wall and its like the camera man fell over something behind him and next thing you know some upside down man scorpion has mounted you. The controls are funnier than Neurosis lyrics at times, especially when you're close and combative, when you need them the most. They'll just point at a wall or you will disappear and if you expect the AI of your partner to help you in those spots they'll just get stuck on a texture at that point and basically you're stuck in a tailspin until a zombie mercifully decides to hit you and you fall on your ass and the camera repositions, unless you fall on your ass right next to a wall, then you're in for a special kind of hell.

Visual:

The scale has gone way up but that's not an art, its just masturbation. its nothing but texture work like the quick time events to open doors become grinding out your time devoted to something that doesn't love you back. I have signed up to play a video game, why do you need to turn this into a job? The game is obviously visually stunning, the scale of bosses is remarkable, there are building collapses plane crashes, massive explosions, towers being toppled and it all is done really well. Visually this game is a 9 and I'm really only holding it back a point because I never played Skyrim and that's all anyone talked about. The levels seem huge but they're linear, cars locked doors and chairs... chairs block you from exploring which is kind of disappointing, I understand Resident Evil can't be a sand box game because that would be fun but does it have to feel like I'm being dragged behind a boat like I'm water skiing?

The interface/menu/HUD/inventory are all really impressive, I mean they're gorgeous but just confusing to no end and they mean nothing to me in any way and the only way I figure anything out is to click everything multiple times and just really hope things work out.

Catacombs... there are an awful lot in these games don't you think? Couple that with underground bunkers medical labs and Eastern European castles, you have every setting you can guess you would end up at. Plus the metropolitan cityscape that look like every multiplayer level in Call of Duty.

The game is dark though, I hate to admit this but I am a coward so I had to turn the brightness up a couple levels just so I could see better, and it turned out I ended up playing the entire game in a dusk lighting mode that probably completely kept me from immersing myself into the game, which is stupid, and made the game exponentially easier. I didn't miss a crate or a hidden walkway at that point. The backgrounds are breath taking but its a Resident Evil game, to give out points for that is like giving points for spelling your name right on the SAT test.

Story:

To complain that a game is too short is one thing, 5 was short, 6 is not short, 6 is long, long because it is a movie that you control between cinematic events.
The dialogue between the characters while you're walking around in between battle stuff is supposed to tie the story along right? But really I just have to ignore it because of the constant quick time events that if you do not complete you die. I can't listen to my partner talk about the next objective or whoever Simmons is because I'm constantly afraid the floor is going to drop out and I will have to hit two buttons consecutively to the metronome or I'm going to die. The game developers have to know this right?

Different stories bring different environments and different enemies which is cool, but though individually different from story to story they do get repetitive. Leon and Helena(these names will eventually mean something to you) fight standard Zombies. Chris and Piers fight mercenaries and sword armed fiddler crab zombies, who are sometimes armed, which I'm sure was explained but, during the explanation I was probably waiting for a QTE and didn't hear it. Jake and Sherry fight henchmen with hilariously poor aim and have a constant chapter ending battle with another video game boss(more on this later).

In closing:

Every boss is the same as every mini boss really, its a big stupid bio-scorpion arachnid thing with independently glowing appendages that you shoot when told to, its the same from the last couple games. The final boss for Leon is a half giraffe half German Shepard and a non-playable character kills it while you hang off the edge of a building like a stupid Flying Wallenda before it turns into the Brundle Fly. Jake and Sherry fight a mother from Bioshock(not kidding) and Chris and Piers the constant homo-eroticism between them throughout their storyline. I hear there are a lot of really great gruesome death scenes in this game, but I didn't really see any, because I'm not a fucking rookie. 5.375 out of 10. Oh wait there are animated tits...5.2/10.

casting mis-step

why couldn't jason statham be in the longest yard? he could be the English soccer player turned field goal kicker.

this just makes too much sense on so many levels. He gets all excited to play football, gets outside and sees its American football and acts all dejected about it finally after some convincing he joins and everyone accepts him.

It would even give the soundtrack a chance to play a random song from The Who.

Beta Testing For Bane

actual footage of Thomas Hardy's transition into finding the voice of the mercanary turned terrorist turned dictator Bane.

Green and or Yellow

WARNING THERE ARE A LOT OF OBSCURE METAL REFERENCES INSIDE, ANY BANDS I MENTION PROBABLY SUCK SO DON'T LOOK THEM UP.


Track by Track Mario style, heeeeere we go!!!!!!!!!

Unable to shake the mold of "uncreative metal act" the release starts out with a stupid instrumental build up track of non-coincidental noise that no one could possibly enjoy. It's like E Honda's moves in Street Fighter, they're stupid and repetitive and no one wants to ever see one again.

oh what a delight you are with your....multiple face palms? seriously what a chick you are

look out, for the top of his vulnerable head!!

first you hit me with your chin, which any boxer will tell you is a brilliant strategy, then of course yeah dude attack me with your ass, thats just fantastic

Ok right off the bat the second track first actual song of the album is really enjoyable, mostly because on this listen I'm not paying attention to the lyrics like I did the first time, whoops, paid attention. "DID YOU TURRRRRRN THE OTHER WAAAAAY" I know judging an album from a snippet is cheap(like E Honda's moves in Street Fighter) but how bad is that? Don't worry they get worse. Take My Bones Away sounds like a Rob Zombie song name and I mean that can either be a really tremendous thing or a really stupid thing. The song is completely different than Baroness' last release which is the highest praise any Baroness album can receive. Its like referring to any of Dale Earnhardt's races as "that one you didn't fucking die on national tv during".

Now seems like a good time to address the vocals, they sound EXACTLY like the short lived much hyped nu-grunge/metal act called CKY, which of course had the CKY video series as one of their brothers was Bam Margera. Now I guess this is where I should shred the band for this and the aforementioned CKY, but honestly, I've always enjoyed the band's work and I won't even call it a guilty pleasure, I will say they have 10 or so songs I legitimately enjoy and I'll say the bands sound is unique(until now lol) and I'll stand with this opinion, so whatever.
Vocal similarity comparison:
Baroness.

cky

tell me that's not incredibly similar.

MORE TO THE POINT, similar(identical) vocals aside, wow are they enhanced. They are the Coco of vocals.

Thanks to the new Baroness record metal fans can no longer make fun of pop vocals for being all studio enhanced. Katy Perry has as much cred as Lemmy and every uncreative argument about successful music with mass appeal is null and void to the bearded constituency.

The guitars sound a lot like Radiohead on various solos that the band has done. More on this later.

My god we're only at the third track. March into the Sea for some shocking reason shares the name with one of the few Pelican songs I'll admit to liking, even more shocking is I specifically enjoy the JK Broderick remix of the song, this entire paragraph belongs in 2004 or moreover the waste bin. Again, song sounds a lot like CKY vocals with Radiohead guitars, and that honestly is not a bad combination. Now lets concentrate on the lyrics. "Heroin where did you take my friend". Jesus that is some remedial stuff, maybe its heartfelt though, I just really feel like its Layne Staley cover act material. "when will you let me go" This is one of those depressing heroin songs that for some reason get instant legitimacy from me having dealt with substance abuse problems and friends of mine dying. However if I ever wrote "heroin where did you take my friend" I'd fully expect to be mocked.

On to what could be the worst track on the entire album, definitely is. Straight out of a Puddle of Mud record "Little Things" is just the worst. It sounds like some mid 2000s bad radio act, it sounds like Lit. It sounds like the band Lit, it sounds like the band Lit with echoed Eve6 vocals. I don't know what the song is about as no one could possibly have any connection with the vocals, but it sounds like he is blaming a girl for being sneaky and for some reason greasy, I'm sure it gets deeper than this but no one will ever find that out, its like a guy reaching into a ball pit and instantly finding a piece of shit, you're not going to go back digging in the ball pit for ANY reason despite what anyone says about further down in the ball pit there is something wonderful. Also calling someone or something "a sneaky little thing" just sounds ridiculous.

The next song is basically a 'A Perfect Circle' song with more echo vocals than a chanting monk cd. It also features about the same dynamics and range as one of those cds as well. It sounds like that stupid Sol Invictus song that no one really likes. Whatever its 2 minutes and honestly is a nice cohesive transition track between song 6 and 3 considering I will be deleting track 4. The 'A Perfect Circle' comparison is really the band I was thinking of when I first started writing this review for the comparison, unfortunately I don't know anything about that band or their sound so just hang on for some comic book references and me calling things "dumb"

Track 6! 2/3rds through! Its called Cocainium, which is either where Marvin Gaye played basketball or the periodic element found in Kate Moss' brain stem. Two up to date references, very proud of myself. This song is really weird.

Track 7 is really out of nowhere, the entire album sounds the same I think with the exception of this song, and wow does it sound a lot like Paranoid Android. Like exactly like it. To the point where if someone told me this song was recorded in the room Paranoid Android was recorded in 20 minutes after Radiohead left and no one touched any of the dials and used the same instruments and referred to the first recording as "the blue print" I wouldn't be surprised. The vocals at this point become numbing, they all have the same sound, all pretty much delivered through the entire album with the same cadence and it even gets to a wierd point where I'm convinced he's used the term "windowsill" in every song. awful 30 second electronic ambience at the end of this song, I guess as a build for the next song, but why not have it at the beginning of the next song, its like the opening credits for Return of the Jedi rolling at the end of Empire. I did that reference solely for Jaci.

So along with the echoed distortion added to the vocals now theres some weird electronic tinny sound being added on. I can not tell you how much the vocals sound like CKY. They sound like someone lamenting through the voice enhancing settings used for Apocalypse during the X-men Animated series that took itself way too seriously for its tween audience. You know, if the X-men were really into Radiohead. Hilarious lyric moment when "theres no difference between poison and the cure" is said, not because its bad songwriting, but because of how I instantly think of the bands Poison and The Cure and what a sad looking fat fuck hobbit Robert Smith is now.

Finally the closing track "Eula. Ok...this is a really good song. Its clearly coming from a legit bout of depression and suicidal thoughts and honestly if the entire album was like this I think I would love it, maybe I just need to try and get into the rest of the album like I can this song, not because I'm a sad pussy but because it just seems like they have a real connection with this one. I mean its funny how I feel about this song compared to the other songs on this album and I grant this one legitimacy....oh wait they just completely stole the guitar sound from the solo in Just by Radiohead. I cant blame a band for having the unfortunate circumstances of having heard Kylesa and Cult of Luna before they knew of Radiohead but come on guys. get a fucking sound. In their defense, Radiohead has more different sounds than just about any band so I will give them a brief reprieve when I say that its hard to say that they've copied the guitar work of that band. That being said Radiohead have sold more records than just about anyone and to act like their sound has eluded you is kind of silly.

I don't want to attack this band for having the idea to create something. I give this band all the credit in the world for doing something better than their last idea to release a 'better' sludge metal lp. So fuck it they put on Icarus wings and took a flight and whether or not it worked out at the very least you can say it sounds nothing like Rebreather. Which at this point in my life is the biggest compliment I can give. But in closing.

New Baroness = Paranoid Android arrangement + CKY vocals + Def Leppard vox effects + Alice in Chains lyrics + Radiohead guitar tones on solos + ANOTHER FUCKING DISC OF THE SAME THING .

I was planning on doing a live review of the new Baroness record thoroughly smashing it. Unfortunately I think I like it. Sorry for the cock tease.

What the Crap is Burn Notice?

Has anyone seriously watched Burn Notice? I would be shocked it's still on the air but seriously it's on the USA network and I don't really know what to say about that. 

Well it features a former operative who I guess works free lance now? I don't understand it and I honestly would be shocked if anyone expects me to. The funny thing is the main character  is fucking dreadful at acting. He goes into character at least once a show. He can't even do his own voice and he does like Boston accents and French accents about as effectively as you would assume 'The Situation' could. 

His accents aside are bad enough but forget that. He has the funniest over done facial expressions ever I would be shocked if he had a face before being cast in this show. In fact I'm almost positive the face is a mask and they just give him different ones for the scene. I'm not sure he's ever had a conversation before either. This episode he is doing a southern accent and I also would like to parlay my never having a face bet with never ever speaking to another adult before. I swear to fucking god I'm waiting for him to say "Tarnations!!". I think he's trying to be an oil baron. Those are owned by major corporations now what year do the writers think this is? Why not just be a slave owner? 

So he has two friends and basically a new enemy every episode. The enemy is whoever the enemy is of the person who pays him. So basically the enemy  is really just a matter of perspective. 

He has two friends. One is Ash, Ash from Evil Dead is apparently on a cable show. How is that not a bigger deal then it is? I mean I guess it isn't really a big deal. I could pretend it is. But honestly who even gives a shit about him anymore. Dude was in 3 good (for its genre no one who can be taken seriously would take Evil Dead trilogy over a good serious drama) movies almost 20 years ago. I'd say 'what happened' but really he's not a very good actor so why even speak of him. In the show he plays a sidekick/best bud who apparently drinks beer a lot is a womanizer and wears Tommy Bahama shirts. So basically you sit around all episode hoping he dies. 

Secondly is some girl who plays the girlfriend/also sidekick who is shockingly really really good at acting. Like pretty good. For USA network she is unapproachable. And she is out and out gorgeous....when she wears all over the face sunglasses. When she doesn't yikes. Well it's nice to see a girl get work from just acting merit. She's like the opposite of Scarlet Johansson. And too bad this is basically as successful as you can be as a not so attractive actress. The USA Network. 

getting deep with thrones.

Why does the show think that the hound quitting the war means anything to me? You've spent no time explaining him to anyone how do I know he wouldn't do something like that? Your show is spread too fucking thin and I don't know who this jerk off is or why he quit or if him quitting was fuck all expected or not. You spent 8 episodes getting me ready for a 35 minute war how dare you say winter was fucking coming when it shows up at the end of the last episode 20 seconds before credits. People draw comparisons to lotr and this show and they're right. They both made you sit through 9 hours of set up to see a short war that you thought was brief but ended with an army you don't care about showing up and beating everyone off camera.

It's funny when you read about the budget restraints on this show and what they did to save money. They really did a brilliant job of stretching a buck at parts and then having the scenes in New Zealand look so great spending millions there. But really, this was just a set up season. There was one great part of one show and the rest has just asked more of the viewers. There was no progress in a lot of story lines. 15 minutes devoted to the Dragon Girl. Maybe double that for the Night's Watch. Why even have them?

How can the story they end the last season with mean nothing this season? If season 3 is anything like season 2 the snow zombies will be a 15 minute sub plot that is killed off in the final episode before anyone really has time to think about what they are/were to the overall story.

Games on Games on Games

I've decided to complain again about a cable tv show for being over praised. Now before I do the whole Walking Dead thing I will say this, Game of Thrones is not a poorly written action show that people just enjoy because of the action content and the exclusive elements of gore and sex. I'm not sure its written at all.

I understand it is a novel that tons of teenagers, virgins and socially awkward women have loved for years upon months now, but this show is about as easy to follow as Nightcrawler free running parkour style through midtown Manhattan circa .

Why does a 5 front mega war need more going on in it other than the war? Adding to it is kind of ridiculous right now isn't it? A war in itself can be confusing, especially when all the characters look like Amon Amarth. To take a war of one army spread out in three parts against 3 different sieging families only really referred to as "The Northerners" is really fucking confusion, but add to that a civil war between one of "The Northerners" only distinguished by the slightest of idiosyncrasies and of course, which way the deer is facing on their emblems you can't really get a good look at at any time. A civil war between two deer clans that you by the way have no idea who is right and wrong. They both make claims for the throne, what throne by the way I'm not sure, because they're trying to kill each other and not the guy who has a throne that I actually need to see the person inhabiting killed otherwise I won't be able to fucking live with myself.

Add to that 3 different groups of people have altercations involving 3 different mythical creatures. I admittedly hate the fantasy aspect of the show and the thought of dragons and walking zombie werewolves is enough, but adding an unexplained smoke monster to the ordeal and losing him for the next two episodes with no mention of him in anyway is pretty fucking cruel, even for a show featuring baby wars. Unexplained smoke monsters by the way always the sign of a lazy show that is disgustingly overpraised by fan boys who should just be watching Batman movies crying about their inaccuracies to a comic book the movie is not based on. Which by the way shares a hilarious similarity with this show. If you want the books, read the books. This is different. Also, has anyone explained who impregnated Tori Amos with Venom? And why that whole situation has miraculously disappeared from the show?

God fucking dammit there are pirates, which were made a deal about for about....20 minutes. Then never discussed. A supposed Naval Armada battle against a Kingdom protected by its impenetrable walls(finally a story with a kingdom with impenetrable walls). Dragon lady vs The villain from Harry Potter and Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation's love child who can do the Multiple Man trick. Who stole 3 cat sized dragons who are supposed to be powerful and bring Blondy Naked Lady to her rightful(not explained) spot on the throne. Which gets about 40 seconds a week to unfold.

Not fucking done. Add a separate sub-story involving two different kids, one you don't care about who is crippled and had what could be the worst non-twist in any story line ever. He's dead at the end of one episode, and everyone goes "nah he's probably not dead". And at the end of the next episode is SURPRISE HE'S ALIVE to which EVERYONE watching at home goes "yeah dude we know". Then add someone you actually give a fuck about and have her have the thrilling life of being a waitress/maid/bug eye giver at every situation she is in.

Its like its a silent movie she over does the facial expressions,

look away from the tv you can actually hear her make the faces.

As for how convoluted the show can be. It's like watching Lord of the Rings on an iPad in a movie theater while they play Braveheart while someone next to you is reading you the script to All the Presidents Men and every 15 minutes you have to watch 2 minutes of Finding Nemo with two different fish. Then throw in 4 love triangles and a couple different starting love stories none of which really get going because they have to focus ON THE FUCKING WAR. Then...again, try and read a novel of a man sent away by his family to go live on a wall in the middle of nowhere and just constantly elude to a mythical werewolf that you haven't seen since the first episode as he has run ins with 3 different clans of people who's origins intentions and way of life is never explained, also add in a love story with him that is actually different than the others and somewhat interesting, but you only get about 3 minutes a week to tell his story. Of course because its on hbo you have to add in brief soft core interludes of uncomfortable sex between a hideous looking man and a girl who either looks like Florence and the Machines or a sickly version of the bi girl on House. Some of which featuring incest, So much fucking incest. I guess there was incest back then, but you don't have to feature it every other episode. Its like pointing out that black people were called different terms in a series by having a segment every show called "the spook minute". We get it, stop founding a monument on the fucking thing. I think the series is kind of like the opposite of any other on tv, rather than have a lot happen to a couple characters they have decided to have a little happen to about 60.


That last paragraph was convoluted and confusing. Now imagine 70% of the characters in those movies all look like this.

Tim Burton. Eh.